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Dancing, Disfigurement, Desperation and Divination by Eridanus
Chapter 1 : The Male Mind
 
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A/N: This story isn’t supposed to be canon, it’s just a short humour fic Based in what would have been the trio’s seventh year. Enjoy.


The Male Mind


The halls of Hogwarts were unusually silent; there was no mindless chatter, obnoxious giggling or high-pitched shrieks disrupting the peace in the castle and all because the seventh year girls were away, and had been for the past few days. The seventh year girls had gone to Beauxbatons for the week to experience some French culture, and while they were away they had been replaced by their male counterparts from Beauxbatons, much to the disappointment of the Hogwarts males. As much as they complained about the girls while they were here they made up a good portion of their conversation, and without them some houses were more at a loss for words than others. 
 


 The Gryffindors – The Boys Dorms
 


“So, lads,” questioned Seamus from where he sat on his bed, “What would you do if you were a girl for the day?”
 

“WHAT?!” screeched Ron, Harry, Neville and Dean together, sitting up quickly to see if Seamus was being serious.
 

“Well, I mean…I only meant if you had the chance, to you know, be a girl for a while isn’t there anything about them you would want to know…?” stuttered Seamus.
 

“I’d put on mascara,” Ron stated bluntly. “Maybe try on a skirt, see what the fuss is.”
 

Through fits of laughter Harry choked out, “Okay Ron, I suppose it’s all about personal choice. If you want to be a cross dresser, I’ll support you the whole way.” 
 

“That’s not what I meant and you know it!” exclaimed Ron, turning gradually redder as the others waited for his explanation. “It’s just that you know that little sticky thing looks like it could poke your eye out…”


“I’ve always wondered how they can possibly screech so loudly, you know like it’s supersonic or something? I’ve always wanted to try that myself…” Dean mused.
 

“Well I do wish I could dance better, girls seem to have that built in.” Harry said.


“I could teach you,” offered Neville. “You’ve got two left feet, but I think we can sort it out.”
 

Reluctant to get up and dance Harry glanced over at Ron for moral support. 
 

“You’re the one who wanted to, mate. Don’t look at me, if you’re too embarrassed just admit it,” chided Ron.
 

Never one to turn down a challenge Harry jumped up and soon enough all five of the seventh year gryffindors were waltzing around their dormitory.
 


The Slytherins – The Common Room


“Well, I for one am glad that the girls aren’t here this week. I have a bit of self control unlike the rest of you oafs.” Draco said imperiously to Theodore, Blaise, Crabbe and Goyle. 
 

“Mate, as if you would be saying that if Pansy hadn’t decided that being a Malfoy was her main goal in life, I must admit though announcing your ‘upcoming nuptials’ in the Daily Prophet was going a step too far…” drawled Blaise while the other three boys guffawed at Draco’s current predicament.
 

“Well at least I can get a girl, Zabini. It really is too bad that Ginny Weasley hasn’t noticed you after…what has it been now five months?” Draco shot back.
 

Then out of nowhere there was a loud crack and as they boys looked back at each other they burst out laughing.
 

“Wait,” said Theodore, “what are you all laughing at?”
 

“You!” they shouted back in unison pointing at each other, and then abruptly, the laughter that had previously been uproarious ceased.
 

As quickly as they could the five boys jumped up and scrambled over to the fireplace in the middle of the common room. They stared at themselves disgustedly in the mirror above the fireplace unable to take in what they were seeing, their faces were covered in bright green boils that were issuing pus at regular intervals and their noses had been completely disfigured.
 

“My face, my beautiful face,” whimpered Draco as he held his mangled head in his hands.
 

“Alright, what the bloody hell happened?!” Blaise demanded, whilst pacing up and down the common room.
 

Well, um, I uh didn’t mean to, but I thought I saw somebody watching us and so I, uh decided to petrify them and, er, well I’m not sure I did it properly.” Crabbe murmured.
 

“Sweet Salazar, Crabbe! How many times have we told you? You and Goyle aren’t to use your wands around other human beings,” reprimanded Theodore. “Right everyone get up, we’re going,” he then said as he stood up.
 

“What? Where are we going?” Goyle muttered confusedly, looking rather disgruntled at the prospect of being asked to walk further than the common room door.
 

“The Hospital Wing, you pillock, where else after the state you’ve got us in?” replied Blaise cuttingly.
 

“I can’t go out there! My reputation will go down the plughole,” lamented Draco, “Where’s Pansy when you need her!?” 
 


The Ravenclaws – In the Library
 


Terry, Michael, Stephen, Kevin and Anthony were all gathered around one of tables at the back of the library trying to avoid Madam Pince, because contrary to popular belief they didn’t actually idolise her – that much. 
 

Shaking himself out of a deep moment of contemplation Terry questioned his dorm mates, “I’m not really sure that blue’s my colour. I mean don’t get me wrong I love being a Ravenclaw, but don’t you think it makes me look really pasty?”
 

“I know how you feel,” sighed Kevin. “Although, I think you pull it off better than I do. Recently my self esteem hasn’t been the best because my hair has been looking very unkempt, no matter what I do it won’t stay in its middle parting.”
 

“Well don’t even get me started on my potions skills, they definitely aren’t up to my usual standards at the moment,” said Michael dejectedly. 
 

“Maybe, I would be more popular if I could ride a broomstick for at least 5 seconds without falling off…” Stephen trailed away.


"Those are all valid points, but which one of you couldn’t figure out the answer to the question at the door to the tower yesterday, and had to wait outside for two hours? I’m too stupid to even be in Ravenclaw.” Anthony muttered as he placed his head in his hands on the table top.
 

“I think that the best way to deal with these issues is to remember what everyone is feeling insecure about and just give each other compliments throughout the day, for moral support. Tell Terry what colours go well with his skin tone and reassure Stephen that flying isn’t the most important thing in life.” Kevin summarised after everyone had shared their problems.
 

“Okay, well I think that was a very productive meeting of the Ravenclaw Self-confidence Society, well done everyone. Next week we’ll be meeting back in our dorms as usual, because the girls will have returned from Beauxbatons, but if we can continue this progress I’m sure we’ll be able to cope with the real world at the end of term.” Michael concluded as he was rising out of his chair, “I must be going now; I’ve got to finish that ‘Potions for Squibs’ book in my room.”
 


The Hufflepuffs – During Divination
 

“I love divination,” Zacharias said contentedly as he took his seat on a particularly comfortable pouffe.
 

“That’s only because you fancy Trelawney,” Wayne replied sinking into the seat beside him.
 

Zacharias turned around to face Wayne with a look of outrage on his face, “Shuddup! That was back in bloody third year – and you swore not to bring it up again!”
 

Ernie and Justin, who’d taken the table facing them in the cluttered room, turned and chuckled along with Wayne.
 

“Don’t be embarrassed, Zach old chum. I can see where you’re coming from; I mean how could one resist those big googly eyes and the overwhelming stench of sherry?” Ernie added sarcastically. 
 

Just as the boys were recovering from another fit of laughter, Professor Trelawney herself emerged from a cloud of smoke at the front of the classroom. “Today we will be using crystal balls to try and determine our futures,” she announced in a deliberately slow, husky stage whisper. “This method of prediction has been used successfully for many years and I will be walking around the room to assess your efforts.”
 

“Is anybody else seeing a foggy glass ball, or is that just me?” Justin questioned after a minute of silent concentration.
 

“I think I’m getting something,” Zacharias answered excitedly.
 

“Are you sure it’s not just your reflection? You’ve never been much of a seer,” Wayne’s sceptical comment came from across the table.
 

“No really!”  Zacharias protested while the other boys shook with laughter. “I think I’m seeing something. It’s still a bit misty, but I’m seeing…three, yes definitely three figures lying on the ground. Wait, just wait, I think it’s… the three of you and you’re very still – probably dead. I think there’s more,” Zacharias smirked inwardly as he tried to make his vision believable, while the other three boys stared at him with horror and shock visible on their faces. “Yes, there’s a note and it says, ‘You got what you deserved…now bloody well stop slagging Zach’.


Before the boys could reply or Zacharias start laughing Professor Trelawney appeared as if from nowhere shrouded in her usual array of veils. “That sounded like a very accurate prophecy – have any of you spotted The Grim at all lately?” she asked with bated breath as Ernie, Justin, Wayne and Zacharias attempted to stifle their laughter.


10/8-Edited for typos etc.




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