I don’t know what to think of this chapter... I’m... nervous posting it.
I think it’s because I omitted something that was supposed to happen. I left it to happen at a later time... and I’m nervous of how it’s going to turn out because I had everything planned out for it to happen in this chapter... but once I started writing Sirius and Remus wanted to say other things, and well... it ended that it didn’t happen and now it kinda messes up my plans. But I’m always a great believer of letting the story write itself, let the character say what they want to say, so I’m going to post this now before I completely change it.
So um... yeah.
I hope this works out ok.
Comfort me? Tell me if it worked still anyway? Reviews=love :)
Eight Promises and Things Alike
I still felt slightly dizzy, my legs more than jello but definitely not sturdy enough to hold my body yet, so walking with him down the dark halls of the school was a task that I had to focus my entire mind on to complete. That was good for me though, because then I wasn’t focusing on the fact that the silence around us was heavy, one of the reasons I felt so much more weighted.
I was glad he had decided to stay silent though. I was glad he was being withdrawn like me, at least until we got to wherever we would talk. It meant I didn’t have to walk and talk and think at the same time. Walking and thinking was hard enough at the moment.
I stumbled silently, not even enough for him to notice, cursing myself just as quietly and brought my mind back to my feet. Step, step, step, careful, make sure to not let your knee bend so that it doesn’t give, step, step, step. Since when did walking become so complex?
I wished he would hurry up and decide on a place. I was feeling sick again. I wondered how long it would take the caretaker to notice if I threw up in one of the suits of armour.
Actually, I would probably be killed by the armour before I was finished relieving my stomach. It would be a better idea to just let it out on the floor if worst came to worst. I felt sicker thinking about it, and forced my mind blank again. Step, step, step.
We took a flight of stairs, ones that I didn’t recognize at first because I hadn’t been paying attention. But by the creak of the door I instantly connected the sound with that of the Astronomy tower. I couldn’t help but smile in the dark, wondering why I hadn’t realized this was where we were headed the whole time. This was our place. Or at least, after hours it was. When he couldn’t sleep, or when we needed time away from reality. Where we talked, or where we were silent.
Were we going to sully it with an argument? No, because we wouldn’t get that far. It was here he had decided on because he knew it would be the most likely place that I would open up to him willingly. Because here was another world. Anything spoken here was not spoken of again. That was the unwritten rule of our Astronomy tower.
I heard the first sound between us since we left the dorm room, a sigh passing his lips. It sounded like the wind did to my dog ears, on nights of the full moon. For some reason the sound made my lips feel warm, reminding me of how that sigh felt on them, and caused me to bring my fingers to them in the darkness discreetly. I moseyed by him, hiding a flush, and set myself sideways on one of the stone battlements so that I could look out over the grounds so far below. I wondered for a moment want it would be like to fall, then the cool air of the autumn night struck me softly and cleared my head as I breathed it in. I thanked it silently. He soon joined me. I pulled my knees closer to myself to allow him room to sit on the battlement as well.
He didn’t speak yet. He let me get rid of the sick feeling first and then let me watch him for a moment before he turned his eyes up from the floor and started.
“I don’t like hearing you like that Sirius.” I frowned. I was still too dizzy to understand that.
“I don’t like hearing a bottle of alcohol talk for you. I don’t like it when I see you but it’s not really you.”
“You see me every day when it’s not really me.” Our Place has made me speak without thinking. I couldn’t blame it on the alcohol anymore because I had thrown that up long ago. I bite on my tongue as punishment. I needed to keep my mind off of the comforting wind and the white of his scar, highlighted by the moon. I needed to focus on thoughts and my cover. I needed to focus on protecting my secret so I didn’t have to see pain in those chocolate eyes.
“I think I know that now.” He thinks it for another reason though. I know that. He thinks I’m in love with him. That I’ve always been, that it’s the secret I’ve been hiding, but the truth is, that kiss that had not happened, had been just as much of a shock to him as it had been to me. Sure, I thought he was perfect, enough so to be jealous of him, to envy his solemn persona and irresistible bookish exterior, but that didn’t mean I loved him. Just because I said it, doesn’t mean it’s true.
He should know that if he’s such a genius. If he’s figured me out than he should know that.
“No, you don’t know. Not yet.” Again, I spoke without thinking, this time because of my pride. I couldn’t let him think that it was because I had been sadly dying inside because we were not together. I am dying inside because of so many other, more important reasons. He was definitely not top priority.
“Then will you tell me?” His voice was timid, as if trying not to scare the revealing me away, but it wouldn’t have mattered how softly he asked it. I hadn’t needed to think about that reply either. The demons had screamed the answer.
“No.” I refrained from yelling it like they had, but simply put a stern warning in my tone. He was treading in unsafe territory now and he needed to know it. He might as well be poking an angry dragon with a very short stick.
He backed off, lowering his eyes and staying silent for a moment, like you would when trying to pet a stray, scared dog. He had reached out and I had growled so he withdrew, but stayed close. Stayed determined.
“Why haven’t you said anything about Regulus yet?” I narrowed my eyes as I looked out towards the lake, suspicious. I thought he would press the matter of our non-kiss. Why was he moving in a different direction?
“There’s nothing to say.” I replied, and he sighed. Again my lips felt warm. I bit at them.
“I know that you know Sirius. I know you heard the rumours too. Please don’t pretend that you’re clueless.” I could feel his frustration resonating off of him as he tried to control it. I would rather him attack me, because then maybe we could have a real male argument that involved fists and not words. It always bugged me that he had to use words.
He never used words when he’s a werewolf. He resolves problems by attacking them. And then I realized, that must be why. He used words to be less like what he was when then full moon shone. I inwardly took back my wish.
“If you knew why didn’t you say anything?” I shot back, and he paused, flicking his eyes up at me now that I had pulled my gaze back to him.
“James said I shouldn’t. James said I should just leave it be. That you would mention it if you wanted to talk.” I smiled bitterly.
“James knows me well.” I replied.
“Does he?” His brown eyes burned mine. He was no longer taking the timid, careful approach. He was taking the direct, holding ground approach. I still tried to figure out why he was asking this instead of other the questions that circled the back of my head while I tried to think about a good reply, which was harder than the thinking and walking earlier.
“I didn’t say anything, because, as I stated, there’s nothing to say. He’s going to be marked and I’m not happy about it.”
And it’s your fault. He’s only do it in spite of you Sirius.
“That’s your only reaction to it?” he couldn’t believe that, but I nodded none the less, even though the demons where laughing.
You failed to mention how deep you cut for him. How the mere idea of him being dragged into the life of a Death Eater ended in you bleeding for a good twenty minutes
I thought I was going to die that time
You almost did
I’m lucky I didn’t
I found myself looking out over the ledge again, holding back a shiver as the sick feeling came back and I suddenly was very thankful I was not alone. Remus would grab me if I ever got even just slightly too close to falling.
Stop. Don’t let them think that.
His sigh brought me back yet again. He would give up on that particular subject and move onto a new one I hoped. Back to us maybe? Back to an easier situation. He would ask ‘Why are you being so spiteful to Julia’ and I would reply ‘because you don’t like her’ and he would say ‘what makes you think that’ and I would end it with ‘because you kissed me.’ And then I would have the ball again.
I made a note that things were getting bad when I considered our situation the least complicated out of everything.
“James told me about this summer.” Wait. Instead of Julia I heard James. This summer. Where was all this coming from? He had been prying about me while I wasn’t around. James had went back on his word of keeping this summer between us. I felt mild annoyance for a moment.
Remus had been bluffing bringing me up here. Making me think this would be about what had happened, the reason I had been drinking. Or at least, the reason I was hoping he would think was cause of my drinking. But he was too perceptive. I should have never underestimated him. He had a dangerous hand that I had no idea about. Throwing down Aces one after another onto the table.
“About how depressed you were.” I continued to look at him in silence, to show him that I knew what he was talking about, but refusing to give him something to work off of. I watched him fiddle with his sleeve, noting that I was doing the same thing and stopped myself after pulling the sleeve down over the base of my palm.
“I think you haven’t got over whatever you felt that night yet. I think you let it eat at you, I think you learned to hide it, and now all these other things are happening, your fights with Regulus, and...” He stopped. I knew what he was referring too. The thing that I wished he would linger on but knew never would. He picked up as if the pause hadn’t happened.
“I think it’s tearing you up inside but you’re just not letting us see. I think your hiding from us as this thing eats you alive Sirius. And...” I was going to end it there and say he had nothing to be concerned about, that I was fine, but the addition made me hold back my words as I waiting silently for him to continue.
“I’m worried about you.” A whisper said through a tight throat. I swallowed hard after a moment, trying to get a little bit of moisture into my mouth. I stayed silent, as did the demons in my head, for even they were scared of saying something that might accidently slip from my lips and be heard by this boy who had managed to see through the character that every voice in my mind had thought was protecting me.
“You don’t have to worry about me Remus. You should set this determination on worrying about you and Julia.” I didn’t say it bitterly. I purposely held that back, hoping I could just get that diversion out carefully enough to have him distracted away from prodding into my mind deeper. He sighed, staring at me for a long moment to tell me that my plan hadn’t worked and he would still be prodding, but decided to reply to that.
“I don’t want to worry about Julia. She’s too high maintenance for my taste.” He had made a mistake. He left me an opening. And the demons pointed it out to me.
“Excuses excuses.” I said mildly, finding it easier to think and talk now. The dizziness was going away. He should have kept me in the dorm and given me another bottle if he had wanted honest answers out of me. Or had simply wanted me to stay off of his back. But now that I was sobering, I would fight back.
“What do you mean? It’s not an excuse. She’s immature. She doesn’t even read. She was in the library that day with her friend. She has no idea who Socrates is.” I smirked at his annoyance. I wished to point out that I didn’t know who Socrates was, but unfortunately I remembered the day he had spent telling me about the Greek (or was he Roman?) and reminded myself that if I pointed that out I wouldn’t only be lying, but would make him think I wasn’t listening and in turn upset him. I was always listening though.
I decided on pointing out another thing.
“I don’t read.” How he hadn’t seen that coming I wasn’t sure, but I was pleased I had managed to shut him up like he had for me. He had opened his mouth to add a complaint, but shut it quickly at my words and sent a glare at me. I felt the awkwardness seeping into the air around us.
“Yeah but, that’s different...” He was struggling to come up with something because he knew he couldn’t ignore it this time. I smirked again.
“Is it? Why?” Delicious sexual tension.
because you’re a boy
Because you’re his best friend
no, because I’m too much like him in every other ways.
“I... I don’t know.” He wasn’t glaring anymore, or looking at me all together, which let me watch him long enough to see the flush that invaded his neck and cheeks even though it was dark. I resisted from reaching out and touching it, and instead breathed my reply.
“I do.” I said, and he looked up quickly.
“I’m the only person to figure you out. I’m the only who realized how much you hate yourself. How unworthy you think you are. How truly depressed you are. You hide it well enough. People know it’s there sometimes, but generally you manage to stifle it enough to make it look like a small inconvenience. Like you only pity yourself every once in a while. But I know that’s not true. I know how constant it is. Don’t I?” I was pleased with my turn around. I was pleased that I had managed to bring this back to being about his problems and no longer my own, secret, sacred ones . I watched him fiddled with his sleeve again, then heard him chuckle.
“Yes. You know. But not because you figured it out. No. It’s because you’re the only person I’ve let figure me out.” He corrected, and I blinked in silence for a moment. I felt dumbfounded, but I didn’t know why. It was like he had struck me and the pain hadn’t settled in yet for me to feel it.
He looked up at me and the pain hit. Although, it didn’t hurt of course. The word pain was just being used as a literary device to represent a realization. I wasn’t yet sure what I was realizing though. All I caught was that by telling me what he just did, he had told me a secret. A secret that he was only now realizing he was hiding also.
“I told you willingly why I was angry. Even though it was in my rage does not mean it would have been impossible to lie if I had wanted to. I think I wanted to tell you, because I wanted you to help me. I knew that you wouldn’t judge me, and you had already helped me before, you had already been there for me when James and Peter just wouldn’t have. You’re always willing to help me, to follow me where I need to go. To listen to what I have to say with open ears and mind. I knew it would be easiest to tell you how I hated that I hurt everyone that I loved, that it was impossible to avoid hurting them. That it was even impossible to avoid hurting people when I was trying to protect them, like Julia. “ He paused, I shifted, letting one of my legs touch the floor and the other one fold down in front of me. I wanted to be closer to him. I wanted to see the words on his mouth more clearly, hear his tone better. I wanted to reach out and comfort him, apologize, but I refrained from that and satisfied myself with the bridge of distance. Perhaps he would feel my comfort through air waves somehow.
I didn’t say his name out loud but he looked up at me as if I had, turning away quickly when he was surprised at how I was no longer sheltering myself with my knees and suddenly close to him.
“You wanted me to stop pitying myself and get better because, you love me you said.” He stated it, but it came out like a question, like he was making sure. I nodded, wrapped up in his words, feeling pity for him even though I didn’t want to because I knew he wouldn’t want me too. That’s what I hadn’t wanted him to do, so why was I feeling it?
“Well, I want you to get better, because I love you.” I took in a sharp breath and he recovered quickly like I had that day, the day of our fight that didn’t end in a kiss.
“Just like I would want James or Peter to get better if they had a problem, because I love them. But, I need to help you, because, I would be lost if you were ever lost. You’re the only people to know me. Probably better than I know myself. And I don’t want you to slip away anymore because the more you slip away the more I do. I can’t sit and watch you slip away anymore.” He watched me as I moved, shifted to put both my feet on the floor, then turning my eyes into the darkness of the room as I thought.
Had I really been slipping away? To him it would seem so. I was being distant to him. More distant this year than any other year. I was acting out more, to cover up the torment behind my eyes. He was too observant. I should have realized that when he was watching me he wasn’t just trying to see, but actually seeing, seeing far more than I thought.
But he was still overlooking the biggest secret. The secret that I hid with my life but only covered with a layer of fabric. The secret he had come so close to finding and yet hasn’t found, hasn’t judge me for it.
I sighed. That’s what tore me up. That he would judge. I could handle anyone else’s looks, but I knew I would never be able to see the look in his eyes. Because, he wouldn’t understand. He was one of the only other people who knew what it was like to hide scars like me, hide them because if we didn’t people would judge, but he would never understand why I would put them there purposely. He would never be able to grasp why I marked myself, knowingly, willingly. Because, in that department we were different. So very different.
“I can’t tell you.” I said it and heard him sigh, then turned and looked at him, changing my mind when I saw the worry line between his eyebrows.
“Not now. Not tonight.” I added instead, and he flicked his brown eyes up to survey me with a slightly gap mouth.
“But, you will?” he asked. Hope in his tone. I bit my lip.
Would I? The demons growled threateningly at me, I felt sick, thinking of his reaction when he saw the marks I’ve put on my body willingly, feeling the dread down to my toes, but I knew what I had to do. I had to seal that promise. I had to even if it made him hate me in the end. Because, than at least I wouldn’t feel so bad every time I lied to him.
I sucked in a breath, then nodded.
“Yes. I will.” His arms were around my neck sooner than I could take in another breath. I sucked in that breath in surprise instead, and got his smell circling my mind.
“Thank you.” He sounded so relieved, words on the sigh he let escape into the air behind me, tightening his hold around my neck. I sighed too, dizzy, because of him this time. I couldn’t breathe, I would simply smell him again. I held my breath, only to hear him take in one, and then relax his grip around me, his upper body melting into mine in a way that made my own muscles unclench. And I knew that it was another one of those different times. Those times when being this close was no longer fine, no longer comfortable. He realized too and apologized before he suddenly withdrew.
“Sorry.” He muttered, startled with himself, and even more so when I grabbed the wrist of his arm which was the last thing he was pulling away from me. I wasn’t thinking much, those new demons (or should I even call them demons anymore?) that urged for his scent were thinking for me.
I wanted his sigh on my lips again. No. I needed.
I pulled his wrist and pinned it gently to the stone battlement we sat on, just holding it enough so that it was impossible for him to lean away, then moved to him, watching him suck in a breath before I pushed my lips onto his.
I left them there until he reacted, which took only a moment, long enough for him to realize that I wasn’t pulling away. He had soon enough pushed into me, quickly deepening my sudden kiss. I pulled away for a moment to take in a breath of slight surprise at him. I had been silently expecting him to fight it and slip away from me again, and was shocked at his advance instead. I found my grip loosening on his wrist as he grabbed my lips again, freeing his hand and following up the arm that had been holding it till it came to my shoulder where there was a big enough piece of fabric from my shirt to take a good hold of. I followed his lead and brought a hand to the front of his shirt, but took the initiative and pulled him closer with it. He sighed in reply and I felt the satisfaction of finally getting what I was craving for.
It reminded me of the feeling I got when I satisfied the other demons; the blood thirsty ones that were only satisfied for a small moment before making me feel hopeless once again. Only this time the satisfaction lasted.
A tongue across my lip and then flicking my teeth, his wild taste invaded me quickly and with nothing more than a quite sigh released from me, making his lips tug up at the corner as they took my lower and sucked slightly. I gulped and shuttered another breath and he sighed again.
And then I pulled away abruptly when his hand lingered over my forearm. The forearm.
I checked, making sure there was fabric between his fingers and my skin, and there was.
“I-.” I went to make an excuse but he cut me off with his lips, pulling away after I had silenced.
“Don’t.” He whispered firmly, forehead on mine as he brought that lingering hand up to my neck and into the hair at the base of my neck, causes an amazing tingle that started in my neck and moved to my pelvis. He used the hand to pull my lips to his again before finishing that thought.
“Don’t say anything. You’ll scare me away.” He tried to make me forget, make himself forget with another deep one, pushing into me rough. I noted my back reaching the side of the battlement. But I was suddenly numb, tuning into the truth behind his words. A truth he didn’t even know. And the satisfaction was gone.
“I will anyway though.” I muttered during a breathing moment and he stopped, staring at me with question in his heavy lidded brown eyes when I let mine opened.
“If I tell you what you want to know, when I tell you, you’ll run away from me.” He stared at me for a moment, letting his hand fall to my collar, piercing me with his gaze before speaking.
“Is that a promise?” I frowned, his forehead still held to mine so he felt it. A promise. Like I would promise him such a thing?
“No, it’s a fact.” I wanted him to know the seriousness of it. That I was hiding it for a good reason. His eyes realized that for a moment, but then he forced a smile.
“At least it’s not a promise. Then you won’t have to break it when I stick around.” I let out a breath, something like a laugh, although he didn’t know it was hopeless, I kissed him too soon after.
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