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Oh No! HELP!! by dramione 4 ever
Chapter 1 : Chapter 1
Rating: 15+Chapter Reviews: 37

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A/N : Chapter image: Alchemyfreak at TDA.My first humour story. On to it, then.....

Ladies And Gentlemen, the beautiful and the ugly, I am Draco Malfoy. The name alone should send shivers down your body, pleasurable shivers if you’re a girl and shivers out of fear if you are a guy. Check yourself for these symptoms according to your gender. If the above mentioned effect is prevalent on you, then you are a normal human being, otherwise you are barmy.

Well, you are normal anyway. I can see you almost drooling at the sight of me.

Anyway, coming to the point, as you can see it is almost nine in the morning and students are flocking down into the great hall for breakfast. If you ask me, some people act so weirdly during meal times. I know I’m not supposed to tell you this, but hey, you’re just innocent muggles, aren’t you? Sitting at home and amusing yourself at our expense. Well, let me entertain you for some time.

What?? Oh no! When I said entertain, I did'nt mean I would take off my clothes and dance for you. High hopes, some people have!!

Back to what I was saying, some people act so weird during meal times. I spend quiet some time observing people you know. I’m not sure how much you know about Hogwarts, but if anyone knew I was observing them, here at Hogwarts, they would not get sleep for a week. A month if they are even slightly like Pansy Parkinson.

Pansy Parkinson!! Don't even remind me of that girl.

Ah, now that you’ve got me started I must tell you about this girl, well a pug really, an abomination to womanhood,  who thinks she’s going to marry me. Well honestly speaking, nearly all the girls I meet think they are going to marry me, but this one is obsessed! She is one of the people who makes me wish I was not so devastatingly, devilishly, irresistibly, stunningly good-looking that I have every girl swooning at my feet.

I’m sorry, not every girl, though. There’s one girl who won’t even look at me twice. Now you must be wondering who this mad woman who can resist my charm is. You must be thinking that she must be blind, or mentally retarded, or some sort of a freak.

Unfortunately, my dear friends (don’t let my father know I’m addressing muggles as friends,please!! ), this one is a perfectly normal girl whose eyesight is as good as any of you.

Oh you want to take her to….what do you call them…..ah yes, a hospital? That won’t help.

This girl is the head girl of Hogwarts. Her name is Hermione Granger.

Now I’m going to tell you something no one knows, so don’t tell anyone yet. Of all the girls in this entire planet, who would agree to eat dragon dung for a day, in return of me falling in love with them, I had to fall for the one girl who won’t be with me even if I paid her galleons.

Ironic? Tragic? Unbelievable?

Oh ya, I forgot to mention. She is a member of my rival house. She is a mudblood, muggle-born that is. She is the best friend of my greatest enemy. She hates me with a passion. And as an icing on the cake, she is in love with a Weasel.

Have you heard of the phrase ‘love is blind’? Oh you must have, you are muggles. So forgetting all differences between us, I fell in love with her.

I, Draco Malfoy, slytherin prince, heir to the Malfoy fortune, heartthrob of Hogwarts fell in love with Hermione Granger, the Gryffindor bookworm.

What? Hey, what the hell? Why are you just sitting there calm and quiet?

Oh I forgot, you are not in Hogwarts. If you were a student here, your eyes would be thrice their normal size and your jaw would be touching the ground. Then you would shout and scream and run down the corridors telling everyone this news, behaving like a lunatic. And then the whole school would think I’m a looser, my friends would shun me, the Gryffindors would make my life a living hell and the girl in question would slap me hard on my cheek.

So now you understand why I told you to keep quiet about the whole matter.

Now that you know my secret, I’m going to let you on a plan. A plan I devised to make the mudblood mine forever.


Ummm…why are you cringing? You think it is evil? To make someone love you forcefully? Stop looking at me in disgust. You are feeling disgusted at me and thinking what a vile, selfish creature I am? Well, stop glaring. Here look at me, my delectable face, to make the anger curb away. There! That’s more like it.

Now straight to the plan. I have been working quite hard for the past couple of weeks. Spending hours alone in the room of requirement, carefully brewing the potion. It wouldn’t do to commit a mistake now, would it? Reading dozens of books I had come across this one.

Enarmorzia. Don’t look puzzled, I’m explaining. It is a love potion.

Now you understand!! I can almost see your face light up. And, you know why I chose this? It has somewhat different effects on the drinker than a normal love potion. After drinking it, Hermione will fall madly in love with me.

She will not leave me even for a second and if forced to do so the consequences will be bad. But I will not let that happen. I will stay with her, for as long as she wants me to. But the best part of this is, after the effects of the potion is gone, she will remember everything. She will remember the time we spent together, the wonderful time she had, and I will prove it that I love her.

Then she will love me back, without the potion invading her mind.

Now do you understand my plan fully? I don’t want her to love me forcefully but I will force her to love me. Confusing, huh?

And we will be together.

Today, I’m all set for action. She will walk in any moment now. I know her full routine.

Luckily, she is one of the early breakfasters so I won’t have much trouble in slipping the potion into her drink.

My two buddies, Crabbe and Goyle will help me but they wouldn’t even realize what I’m doing. Yes, that’s how much stupid they are. You could smuggle an entire dragon under their noses and they wouldn’t know. Well, why am I complaining? That’s the quality that is most beneficial to me.

Did I tell you about …….Ah, there she is! Look at her, as beautiful as ever. Have you ever seen anyone look so stunning and gorgeous in a uniform? And that’s her boyfriend, Weasley. Lucky man, I must say. Look at him, can you imagine any girl to choose that pathetic excuse of a boy over me, the unbelievably handsome…..oh I get it, you’ve heard enough about me already.

Look at that, just look at that! The awful Weasel is putting his dirty hand on her shoulder. How I hate it when he touches her.

They are sitting in a corner of the Gryffindor table, far from the other breakfasters.

Lucky enough for me, it makes it much easier to execute my plan.

I signal Crabbe and Goyle. I’ve already told them yesterday. I told those two dolts what to do and they didn’t even ask why. Can you imagine how lucky I am to have such duffers as friends?

Anyway, stop chatting and watch me. I’ll be giving you a running commentary.

I walk towards the couple who are in quiet conversation. Her eyes are sparkling because the Weasel is cracking some pathetic joke which would take ages to understand. But she laughs at his jokes. She likes to see him happy.


Ooops sorry, are you ears hurting? I do that when I get frustrated. Ya look, my goons are approaching them. I reach them as well.

“Hey Weasley, wash your hands after you touch the mudblood.” Crabbe said loudly.
See, Weasel king stiffened up. Just a bit more, boys.

“I wouldn’t mind touching the mudblood myself, but I would need holy water after that.” Goyle laughed in a maniacal way. He looks like a puffed up, overstuffed, ugly teddy bear.

Granger was clutching Weasel’s hand.

Urghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh……what? I told you I did that when I got angry. Stop stopping me and get earmuffs.

Look at Weasley’s red face. Looks like a tomato, a rotten tomato, dirty tomato, a……….an untasty, inedible tomato. But he resists getting up and punching those two buffoons. Because his girlfriend is muttering under her breath to ignore them.

Hey do you know, Hermione has got only dialogue whenever the trio encounters us.

Ignore him.
Ignore them.
Ignore the ferret.
Ignore him, Harry. He’s just jealous of you.
Ignore him, Ron. He’s just a stupid slytherin.

I wish she ignored everybody except me. Hmmmmm now that would be good wouldn’t it.

“Hey Weasley. I’ll give you a galleon if you tell us in details how the Mudblood is in Bed.”

Now that did it.

Mr. Ronald I’m-so-strong-I-could-bash-up-two-boys-double-my-size Weasley stood up fast, and walked towards my two beauties.

And Hermione stood up as well to stop him.

That gives me the chance I need. And while she holds him away and he looks menacingly at Crabbe and Goyle, as if they would be afraid and run for their mommies, I slip the potion into her glass of orange juice.

There, wasn’t that easy?

I finished my job so I walked towards the fighting group and smirked at Weasley.

“Don’t get yourself detention for a non-entity, boys. Let’s go.” I walk away with them following.

So what do you think? I did quite well didn’t I? Now let’s watch as Hermione leaves the Weasel and comes running into my arms.

Muahahahhahahahahahahhaaaaaaa…………….that was my evil laugh, in case you didn’t understand.

I bet I know what you are thinking right now. You’re on. Ten galleons if I guess right. You are thinking how utterly adorable I look even when I am all evil. Right? SEE… I told you. You owe me ten.

I sit in a place where I can clearly watch the lovebirds eating their food and drinking their drink. Ha ha ha …get it? Drinking their drink? Ha ha ha. Okay I’m getting nervous. I know, Draco Malfoy getting nervous is a very rare thing.

They sat down again. Weasley’s is still breathing deeply. Hermione strokes his hand lovingly.


Ya its over, take your hand out of your ears. Much as I hate to see her petting over him, I have to see it. She keeps muttering something. I know what she must be saying “Ron, sweetie, you have to ignore them. They are bloody Slytherins, what do you expect from them. They do that to put us in trouble and detention.”

She keeps stroking his arm. Then she lifts up her glass of orange juice and makes him sip it to calm him down. How I detest the sickeningly sweet gestures. He keeps taking sips out of her glass, out of her hand. I would say he is enjoying sipping her glass.

One sip.

Two sips.

Three sips.

Hey, I don’t want to see this. When is she going to…………..

Four sips.


Is that her glass of orange juice?

Five sips.


WEASLEY, NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Six sips.

I get up as I see his eyes glazing up.

Oh no, oh no, oh no.

I am such a horrible potion maker. I have got it all wrong, I am sure. I can never brew a correct potion in my life!

God, please, let it have gone wrong. Let him die, or sprout antlers, or turn into a hippogriff, or loose his genitals.

Please let the potion do anything other than it is supposed to be doing.

Weasley stops sipping. Ah, yes. He is going to shrivel up, become a hairy ball and die.

He stands up.

Maybe he will run off the astromy tower and jump off it.

Maybe, he'll become mad and force Hermione to marry me immediately.

He pushes Hermione’s hand off.

God will turn him into an old rusty broomstick and he'll fly away alone vnever to reurn again.

Maybe he'll loose all his hair and become even more hideously ugly than he is now!

I think he'll dance on top McGonagall's head and go and sit on Snape's lap. Or he may bash up potter and kill him.

Please. Please. Tell me it has gone wrong.

Weasley turns his eyes and looks at me. He has just realized that the drink was tampered with. He knows it’s me. He’ll just come and scream and shout at me and pick up a fight.

His face broadens into a BIG smile and he shrieks.“DRACIE, DARLING. THERE YOU ARE, MY LOVE.”

A/N : was it? I think I like it  a bit. But tell me what you think...
Hope I made you laugh. Review and tell me please! Guys, there are so many reads, but so few reviews! Please review and give me your feedbback.
Should I write a sequel???

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