Chapter 1 : Of Plans and Plans
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All a plant wants is some food, some light, and some love, and if a plant dies, it is your fault. A plant cannot lose it's mind, a plant cannot cry, a plant can't get confused or feel small, lost and alone. A plant never thinks it is inferior to the other plants, and it never worries that it will never be as good as the plant that bred it. No wonder plants are the only thing I am good with. A plant is just what I want to be. When you cut a plant apart, it doesnt feel the pain. It doesn't wonder about it's parents. It doesn't have to be anything but what it is.
I find I am compulsively smoothing a Drooble's Best Blowing Gum wrapper, and I stop myself. I can't help it though. It's all that she has ever given me, except for once. Once she gave me a picture she had drawn. It's nothing but lines and squiggles, looking like a two year old's art project, but it is framed and hung in my room anyways. Sometimes, I stare at it for hours, trying to see deeper into it, trying to see the meaning.
I felt it this past year you know. The Cruciatus Curse. That's why I have no real parents, just hollow shells. I felt the pain, and for a moment, I wished it would never leave, because I was almost there. I could almost understand the picture, almost see the meaning. I was so close, and then it ended. I said I was fine to Harry, but I wasn't. It wasn't the aftershocks of pain that bothered me. It was the fact that I wasn't even good enough to go insane, like my parents. I couldn't even manage that. But, I really couldn't think of that, Harry needed me.
Harry is the only person who has not treated me differently. When we had our D.A. meetings, he made me do the same spells as everyone else. He even partnered me with himself, and his best friends, while I was shooting spells at them. I could never tell him what that meant to me. No-one else will even be near me when I have my wand out, just knowing I will mess up. He didn't even seem to think of it. I just hope he doesn't hate me now.
I broke the prophecy. It was the reason that Sirus Black died, and I broke it. If I hadn't been there, it would have been fine. Sirus Black might even be fine. Harry would not look at everyone as if there was no color in the world, and everything smelled and tasted like ashes. I know, I screwed up again, and this time, I hurt the only person who didn't treat me with laughter, like most people, or concealed pity, like Hermione and Ginny.
A plant doesn't care who it hurts. I wonder if you can learn to transfigure yourself into a plant. And I wonder if you can become that plant. No feelings, no pain, no loss, never to screw anything up again. I would like to become a plant with healing properties I think, to hopefully erase some of the damage I have done. I think I heard once that an extinct plant could cure my parents, I should check into that. If only I am good enough just this once, I may make Gran proud. Just this once, let me be good enough. Please Merlin, let me be good enough.
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by Rae Carson