Chapter 5 : The Unforgettable News
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The Unforgettable News
I stood there facing him, my breath still coming unevenly. As moments passed it felt so surreal. All the emotion rushing through my veins was so strong; I could not even feel it anymore, except for the beating of my heart. That particular muscle was pounding so hard I felt I might burst. He didn’t say anything back to me. His grey eyes kept boring into my brown while Lily stood behind me, panic radiating off of her.
Sirius’ unfathomable express disappeared, changing into something more. I hadn’t see his eyes, his face, in so long, but I still knew everything; all the looks, glances, and words beneath words. I broke away from his stare and saw him breathing deeply, almost like he had been running. His eyes didn’t relax into surprise or confusion, instead he looked…
“Did you know I was here?” I asked anger bubbling up inside my stomach.
As soon as his eyes widened and full mouth opened to speak, the door flew open. A panic stricken and out of breath James stood beside Sirius and leaned up against the table.
“Lily,” James broke off panting and caught his breath, “I tried— to stop…”
“Dumbledore said you were still off on an Order mission.” Lily said a little shakily to Sirius, stepping somewhat in front of me.
“It was a false lead,” Sirius replied crossing his arms, “By the way, thanks for not postponing the wedding until the best man returned.”
I saw Lily pale visibly. “I had my reasons.” She gave James a meaningful look.
James stood up and grabbed Sirius by the shoulder. “Hey, how about we talk in the other room?” He moved towards the door but Sirius didn’t move. I could feel his eyes boring through Lily, directed at me. “Sirius.” James repeated more strongly.
“Right.” Sirius muttered and I heard the door close a little too loudly. That noise made me feel…hollow.
Lily’s red head whipped around. “Madysen, are you okay?”
“Yeah.” I nodded feebly. I felt sick.
“I don’t know what happened, I told James not to tell him. I thought he was gone.” Lily kept apologizing. It wasn’t her fault. It was never her fault. It was always mine, I ruined everything. I jumped when I heard a bang coming from the living room. What was that?
“Lily, I’m sorry,” My eyes were filling with tears, “I ruined everything.”
The tears came more when I heard yelling from the other room. “I need to talk to her!”
I felt the presence again as Sirius entered the kitchen once more. Lily and I turned to face him. We stood there silently while he stared. After a couple of minutes or maybe just 30 seconds, Sirius went ahead and started.
“I got back to headquarters and James was there. He made me promise I wouldn’t do anything rash or come here when he told me.” Lily started to look angry but Sirius stopped her, “Don’t be mad at him. He thought if he told me, it would make me not come at all. However, he was definitely wrong.” Sirius looked straight at me, but I kept my eyes on the wall. “He chased me to the apparition spot, trying to stop me.”
The silence started again and the tension thickened. I finally found my throat and voice.
“Maybe I should go,” I croaked.
“No,” Sirius and Lily said hastily at the same time. I couldn’t look at Sirius.
Lily continued. “You just got here. Maydsen, I haven’t seen you in forever. I miss you. Please stay.”
My heart was about to explode. Those damn green eyes.
I took a deep breath and finally turned to look at Sirius. His eyes were beautiful. I could appreciate that much while I was still here. I had to ask it, the inevitable question.
I looked Sirius straight in the eye. “What about Dorcas?” His eyes changed to something more. Pity.
Sirius finally moved his eyes off me and on to Lily. “I can’t tell her.”
I could hear Lily take a deep breath. “Sirius…”
“Please,” Sirius said quietly and looked sadly at me.
Lily grabbed my arm. “Dorcas is dead.” She said quietly.
Then I broke. Everything I had been holding in, everything for the past 5 five years it seemed like came out. I felt like I was going to collapse. I could barely see from the tears springing from eyes. I was shaking violently. How could this happen to Dorcas? She never did anything wrong. She didn’t fall in love with someone else’s boyfriend or have a messed up family or anything like that. She was perfect. She had a perfect life she was going to live. Dorcas didn’t deserve anything like that. I did.
I felt Lily wrap her arms around me as I sobbed. It felt so familiar; I don’t know how many times I had done this. I sobbed more until I felt like there was nothing left in body. Somehow, deep down, I knew it was my fault.
“I’m going to take her upstairs.” I heard Lily whisper. I felt her shake her head at Sirius. I still felt him. Was he trying to follow? I didn’t want him to see me like this…
Lily led me steadily up the stair to a small guest room. The walls were an odd green. She sat beside me on the bed.
“Are you going to be okay? I need to talk to James.”
I nodded numbly. She gave me one last hug before closing the door slowly and heading downstairs.
My eyes opened slowly. I put hand to my forehead and felt groggy. I must have fallen asleep. I got up and looked in the miniature mirror. My eyes were a still somewhat puffy from my breakdown and my dark brown hair was sticking up in the back. I patted it down and fixed it mostly.
“Your hair was always like that in the morning.” A deep voice came from behind me. I looked in the mirror and saw the tall, strong figure standing at my door.
“What do you want?” I asked nervously not turning around.
Sirius shrugged and walked inside. “To talk.” I still didn’t turn around. “You look good.”
“Thanks.” I replied feebly. I tried not to realize that those words made my heart jump.
“What have you been doing?” He tried asking conversationally.
“I moved to Paris.” I replied sharply. I didn’t want to think about that last day. I pushed it all back.
“Wow,” I could tell he was going to say more but I continued.
“What about you? How many girls have you had since Dorcas? Still a ladies man or have you slipped up a bit?”
He was silent. “None. You know Dorcas and I weren’t together after that day. Actually, we hadn’t been together for a while. Don’t you remember anything that I told you?” His words became harsh.
I took a deep breath and faced him. “How did Dorcas die?”
He became surprised by my change of attitude but went with it. “Deatheaters.” Sirius said solemnly.
Tears welled up in my eyes. “It’s all my fault isn’t it?” It was the first time I ever said it aloud. The words seemed to echo.
“No,” Sirius said angrily, “You need to stop blaming yourself for everything.”
Anger blazed in his eyes. “You had no part in her death…nor in your mother’s.”
“You don’t know anything about my mother.” I spat.
Sirius became incredulous. “Madysen—“
“No!” I stood up to face him. “You weren’t there! You weren’t there when it happened. You didn’t help me. You left me. You left me when I needed you!”
“I know I made mistakes,” Sirius said with emotion filling his eyes.
“You bet you did.”
“What was I supposed to do?!” He yelled.
“You were supposed to fight for me! You weren’t supposed to give up when you thought there was nothing you could do. I wanted you to say that there was no one else, that you’d rather be alone than be without me!”
Sirius grabbed me. “How was I supposed to know that?”
“You just are.” I whispered. Sirius let go and I turned away and my voice grew hoarse. “I don’t know who I am anymore or how I got here. I miss who I used to be.”
“What do you want me to do now?” He asked making me face him again. “Do you want me to beg? Do you want me to repeat what you just said?” Sirius’ face grew angrier when I didn’t respond. “What do you want? What do you want me to do!”
“I don’t want you to do anything.” I said flatly.
His grey eyes looked hurt and confused. My heart dropped. “What? Why?”
I grabbed my purse and pulled a silver ring with a purple stone that glimmered in the light. I place it on my fourth finger on my left hand and held it up to where Sirius could see it. “I’m engaged.”
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