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Being Lily by promise_me_rain
Chapter 21 : Utter Insanity
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 20

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Lisette rolled on top of Lily for the fourth time that night and Lily decided she could no longer take it. Shaking her friend awake, Lily whispered in Lisette’s ear, “I’m going back to the Heads’ Room just for the night, come get me early before she wakes up and I’ll be back to help.” 

“Yeah, yeah,” Lisette said, rolling back on her front. “Thank Merlin tomorrow’s a Saturday, eh?” 

Lily silently agreed as she made her way back to her bed. On the way, her anger towards Sirius came back, full swing, and she fumed and stomped the entire way there. 

Once she arrived in her common room, she had worked herself into a fiery anger so extreme she felt she would break the nose of the next person she spoke to. 

Unluckily, James had tried to wait up for Lily and he was asleep on the couch, snoring softly. 

“Do you realize?” Lily spat at him, waking him up. “How bloody heartbroken Merce must be now?” 

“Wha- oh, Lils, you’re back,” he said, jumping up. 

“How could Sirius do that to her?” Lily demanded. 

“Well, Lils, there’s a good explanation for it,” James said calmly as though he had expected her temper to rise. 

James’s tranquil face infuriated Lily all the more. 

“Oh, really? I didn’t realize that impregnating a girl while you’re dating another was excusable! I must have missed that memo!” 

By now Lily had marched all the way in front of James, standing in front of a chair while he sat calmly on the couch. 

“It’s not like that, Lils,” James said peacefully. 

“Yeah? Well explain it to me! I’m obviously missing something!” 

“Well, Lils, it’s like this-” James began in that hated calm manner. 

“Don’t-” Lily snapped through clenched teeth. “Call- me- Lils.” 

“Okay, Li-ly,” he said clearly articulating the last two syllables. “First of all, when Celosia and Sirius had sex, it was over Christmas break when he and Mercedes were not officially together and secondly, he’s scared of commitment.” 

Lily ignored the first statement completely. 

“What the hell, James? You knew he liked her! You knew he fancied her! You also knew she fancied him back! Don’t tell me you didn’t tell him,” she pointed a finger in James’s chest. “So what, even with that knowledge, he goes off a breaks some girl’s heart so he can have a quick shag?” 

“IT’S NOT LIKE THAT!” James was now on his feet; Lily had no idea why he was getting so worked up over Sirius’s problem. He had been so composed just a moment ago. “Imagine this one: your best friend for the past seven years has been shot down and trampled on by a girl he’s been in love with since he first laid eyes on her. You would learn that- oh, maybe it’s not such a good idea for me to get serious because maybe, if I do, I’ll wind up just like James who has been chasing after the same girl for SEVEN YEARS, LILY! Seven years!"- his voice dropped to nearly a whisper as he said, "and nothing has come of it.” 

Lily was so filled up with emotion and was quite terrified at being yelled at by James, tears began to drip silently down her face. 

“I cannot believe you are defending him!” It was a stupid thing to say, Lily knew, but she also knew she could not even wrap her brain around what James had just shot at her.

“I cannot believe how unreasonable you are!” 

“Me? Unreasonable? I’m not the one defending a jackass who just impregnated a girl he doesn’t give a shit about just so he can break another’s heart!” 

“Have you not listened to me at all, Lily?” James shouted. “Sirius learned from my mistake. My big, bloody mistake. It is a mistake that I’ve loved you for this long and, you know what’s my biggest flaw in this whole situation? I never learned from it! I never stopped loving you! I never could convince myself to stop it no matter how obvious it was to me that you would NEVER love me! At least somebody learned from my fuck-up if it couldn’t have been me.” 

There was a long, tense pause in which the two of them stared at each other with angry breaths overwhelming the silence. 

“I’m going to take a bath,” Lily concluded with as much dignity as she could. It had actually been on her mind before. She was disgusting and sweaty from the snowball fight and probably slightly covered with Mercedes’s sick but it really was no time for her to take a bath. She really just could not deal with what James was throwing at her. It almost seemed as though he was blaming her for Mercedes's broken heart.

Normally she would have stood her ground and argued her side until she was hoarse but not tonight. 

Not with James. 

Not about this. 

She could not do it. 

She turned on her heel, sniffed and walked through James’s bedroom door, which was closer than her own, and into the bathroom, ran nearly all the taps, stripped down, and climbed in. 

James had watched her go in silence and made no move to chase after her. 

Once her tears had finally begun to slow, she started to relax and began to shuffle through the memory of what had just happened, trying to decipher the argument in an objective manner. 

Suddenly, the door banged all the way open and James stormed in. Lily was about to protest that a) she was angry with him and he should fuck off and b) she was in the bath, but he began yelling before she could get a word out. 

“You are insuffrable! How can you just walk away like that?” James then proceeded to continue right where he had left off. “He’s noticed that falling hard for someone doesn’t work out so well, does it, Lily? I’ve been in love with you for SEVEN YEARS! And all I’ve ever gotten out of it were broken noses and expertly performed hexes! This year I have worked my ass off trying to do everything in my power to get you to love me back and IT JUST DOESN’T WORK! I’M STILL AT SQUARE ONE JUST SITTING AROUND WATCHING YOU, WISHING YOU WERE WITH ME! Hoping you would chose me,” he voice was lowered to a harsh whisper. “And you wouldn’t pick that other guy whose heart you’re messing with!” 

James paused panting; he was standing directly in front of Lily now who just began crying silently again and stared into the bubbles, miserable. 

James started up again. 


But James Potter never finished that sentence for Lily had stood up and without warning had placed her wet hands on the back of his head and put her mouth over his. 

James seemed taken aback for a moment before kissing her back fervently as she pulled him towards her, her wet body making stains on his clothes. 

Lily opened her mouth to deepen the kiss as James’s tongue darted in. They stood there, kissing, until Lily slowly sank back into the bathtub, James firmly attached to her. 

Soon James was lying half propped on top of Lily, still in his clothes which were now soaking wet from the bubbly water. 

James hands were running all over Lily’s soapy body and Lily laced her fingers through James’s untidy hair. 

Lily was soon overcome with emotion, not sadness but with complete and wild happiness: this boy who was lying on top of her, kissing her fervently, had loved her for seven years. That was longer than Lily had ever loved anybody and she knew that he had been growing, very quickly, on her all year long, even if she didn’t want to admit it to herself. 

James’s hands were inching up her skin, past her hips, over her stomach, cupping her breasts. Lily moaned and began moving her hands down James’s back so she could pull his soaking sweater and shirt off of him After they paused so that James’s tops could come off, he stayed away for a moment and ran his eyes over Lily. 

“Lily, you are without a doubt the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.” 

He then brought his head down to Lily’s neck and began kissing her under her jaw and down her throat. 

“Is that so?” she barely made out, she was breathing so quickly now. 

“Yes, it is,” he groaned against her skin, “The first day I saw you, when I was in your compartment on the train in our first year; I thought you were an Angel.” He began nipping and kissing a trail down to her collar bone. Lily moaned, somehow she knew, she just knew that James wasn’t making this up. It was almost too cheesy, she smiled to herself.

It was now her turn to tease him, she thought. She pushed him backwards so that he was lying on his back and she on top of him and began kissing him around the mouth and then down his neck. He moaned happily and she smiled against him as he played with her wet hair. 

She maneuvered her hands down the front of his stomach, feeling over his abs and down his hip bones. She began to undo his belt very slowly, kissing and nipping his neck all the while. 

“I want to do this right,” said James putting out a hand to stop her. She paused looking up at him curiously. Why the hell would he stop her now? 

“If we’re going to do this,” he said, looking intently at her, “I want it done right, I’ve waited for this moment since I was eleven.” 

Lily giggled and nipped his ear. 

“Are we doing this then?” he asked seriously. 

Lily paused for a moment, thinking quickly. 

“And Lily, I mean, for real,” he said, breathing heavily. “No more teasing.” 

She decided within moments. 

“Yes, Mister Potter,” she said kissing her way back until she reached his mouth, “I think I’ve finally made my decision.” 

James smiled. 

“And as for doing it properly,” she ran her tongue just along the inside of his lips, “just let me now what you want…” she lowered her voice to a whisper, “you can have it.” 

James groaned then sat up quickly, picked Lily up so that his hands were clasping her butt and her legs were hitched above his hips and carried her to his bedroom. 

They dripped a trail of water the whole way. 

Lily was giddy with excitement, she had thought about it, briefly, yes, but she felt it was the right decision. 

It was neither of their first times, she thought as she watched James flick his wand once so that the lights dimmed and then twice, obviously placing a Contraceptive Charm (hopefully one more effective than Sirius’s), so they need not be awkward. 

And if she regretted it in the morning, she decided, then too bad. 

James put her on the bed and the sheets immediately began to soak up the water from her naked body. She resumed her attempts to undo James’s belt buckle as they kissed feverishly and she quickly succeeded… 

Later, after surprisingly no embarrassing moments, Lily lay next to James, tucked into his covers, running a finger up and down his chest, wet from bath water and perspiration. 

“Lily, I-” James began. He closed his eyes and stopped. 

“What is it?” 

“Lily, I just want to let you know that, I didn’t say any of that just to get you in bed with me,” he looked at her. “I really meant it you know.” 

Lily smiled up at him and his face was so full of love for her and concern for the possibility of her not believing him. 

“Of course I know that. And-” she paused, it was her turn to feel uncomfortable, “I want you to know that I really quite like you back. I know I’ve been horrible to you over the years, I mean, I broke your nose last year and everything, but I think I’ve changed. And you undoubtedly have, and I’ve realized over the past year- although I tried my hardest not to admit it- that I kind of love you back…” 

Lily bit her lip and looked over at James who gazed at her and tucked a wet strand of hair behind her ear before leaning over and putting his mouth on hers. 

Lily did not get much sleep that night…. 

“Holy shit you have got to be kidding me!” Lisette flung open the door to James’s room in the morning as James sat up, fumbling for his glasses, and Lily ducked her head under the covers, embarrassed. “You can’t be serious! Is that really Lily under there?” 

“Yes,” Lily said burying her face into the mattress so her voice came out muffled. 

“Oh my! Remus they’re in here!” she called out the door. 

“I heard!” came Remus’s voice. “Why don’t you let them get dressed, love? Let’s go back to make sure Mercedes hasn’t jumped out of her dormitory window.” 

“Oh my goodness, yes!” Lily heard Lisette’s voice from the other side of the sheets. 

“Lily, get your head up, you need to hear this!” Lisette scolded. 

Lily brought her eyes and nose over the edge of the sheet. She was sure her whole face was flushed a deep red. 

“Not a word of this to anyone!” Lisette said sternly. “Mercedes is having the mope of her life and I won’t have either of you ruining it for her! This goes for you to Remus!” 

“Understood,” Lily heard Remus call from the common room. 

“And you two?” Lisette asked, her eyes shooting heat at them. 

“Yes, of course,” Lily said. 

“Whatever you want,” James shrugged. 

“Good,” Lisette relaxed. “I’m thinking we can all disclose the information in a week or two, it should cheer Mercedes up a bit, she’s been wanting this to happen for Merlin knows how long. Just not right now. Understood?” 

“Love,” Remus poked his head around the door. “Hey Prongs, Lily,” he nodded to them both before turning to Lisette. “Let’s let them get dressed, okay doll?” 

“Okay,” Lisette smiled, very flirty and walked off with Remus who kindly shut the door behind him. 

As soon as the outer door was heard to be slammed shut Lily caught James’s eye and they both laughed. 

“That was sufficiently awkward,” Lily concluded, still giggling. 

“I think the best part is when you’re friend dictated that we can’t tell anyone for another week,” James frowned. 

“How very Romeo ands Juliet of us,” Lily said. “Hidden love. Does this mean I still can snap at you and break your nose if you annoy me?” 

“For the next week, I don’t see why not,” James laughed. “We aren’t together.” 

Lily giggled and snuggled next to James. His body was warm and soft and he smelled like he always did, clean but with a hint of something warm and sweet, like brownies fresh from the oven. 

James smiled, got up, still naked, and headed towards the bathroom, “Want to come take a bath? You never really got to finish yours last night.” 

“Yeah, I do,” Lily said, pouting. “Fill it up first? I’m going to stay here, I’m cold.” 

“No problem,” James called. Soon the sounds of running water could be heard from the next room and James walked back in now wearing pajama pants and a t-shirt and climbed back into bed next to Lily. 

He leaned over and kissed her and she gave in for a moment, allowing his mouth to travel around her own, but she pushed him away playfully saying, “What if the bath overflows?” 

“Then we clean it up,” James said leaning down and managing to keep her in a kiss this time. 

“But… but,” She couldn’t get out much more than that as James kept covering her mouth in his. She flicked her tongue playfully inside his mouth before getting up and walking away, throwing playful looks back over her naked shoulders at him, and climbing into the bathtub. 

James followed, stripped again, and sat next to her. 

They washed each other with the bubbles that were pouring out of the many different faucets and once the bathtub was filled, Lily went around the perimeter turning off all the taps as James followed her with his eyes. 

“This is the best bath I’ve ever taken,” Lily said when she returned James. 

“Well, I’d hope so,” said James who scooped up a handful of lime green bubbles and threw them playfully in her hair. “It doesn’t get much better than this.” 

“No,” she said, throwing her arms around her new secret boyfriend and pressing her wet body into his, “It really doesn’t.” She kissed him deeply. 

As easy as it had seemed to agree to Lisette’s plan, it proved to be hard for Lily and James to carry out for the upcoming week. 

Rather than being able to hold hands in the hallway, kiss goodbye at classes, or even talk with fervor, they had to remain consciously subdued. 

However, Lily noted, that this tension meant that once they got back together in the privacy of the Heads’ Room, every façade was dropped. 

“This is getting to be ridiculous,” James said one day as he lay next to Lily in her bed. 

“Ridiculous how?” Lily asked affronted. She thought everything that had just gone on was completely fine. More than fine. Really brilliant, in fact. 

“I want to be able to touch you and kiss you and hug you at other intervals besides, like, now,” he said. “Can we just tell Mercedes? It’s been a week.” 

“If you want to deal with Lisette’s wrath, sure,” Lily shrugged. 

“I would deal with more than a pissy Lisette for this.” 

Lily smiled. 

When Lily and James snuck around Lisette and told a moping Mercedes one rainy afternoon in the common room (Lisette was somewhere with Remus and Sirius had been hiding out a lot by himself lately, James said he was really upset about what had happened), Mercedes went through multiple stages of excitement. 

First, she fell out of her chair. Then she would not believe Lily. So instead she asked James who enforced the statement. She then jumped up from the floor and hugged both of them in turn shouting, “Finally!” 

“You’re happy?” James asked. 

“Of course, why wouldn’t I be?” she beamed. “When did this happen?” 

“Last Friday night,” Lily said after a very long pause. She had contemplated lying but decided against it. 

Another long pause. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Mercedes asked, clearly hurt. 

“Lisette thought you were having such a good mope, we didn’t want to steal your thunder,” Lily cringed realizing how bad of an explanation it was. 

Mercedes pursed her lips. 

“Why,” she asked, “do you only ever listen to Lisette when she has the absolute worst ideas? Ever. You know that Lily! You never listen to her!” 

Mercedes was hysterically shouting now. Her smooth curls seemed to unfold and crackle at the ends.

“And what? You pay attention to her the one time when it hurts me?! Does that make sense to you?” 

“Babe, I’m sorry,” Lily said. “I had thought it would upset you.” 

“Why?” Mercedes hissed. 

Lily was taken aback. Mercedes got upset but was never upset at Lily. 

“What,” Mercedes said during Lily’s pause. “You all thought, ‘Oh, poor Mercedes, can’t handle anything. Poor, poor, pathetic girl.’” 

“No, Merce, it’s not that,” Lily was saying. 

“Lily fuck off!” Mercedes shouted. Everyone in the common room stared. 

Mercedes rarely shouted. 

Mercedes rarely swore. 

And Mercedes had never told anyone to fuck off before. 

“Wha-” Lily tried. 

“No,” Mercedes said harshly. “Lily go away! I don’t want you here! You have hardly spent any time with either me or Lisette this year! Ever since you were made fucking Head Girl and fell in love with this stupid Head Boy and couldn’t fucking figure it out by yourself! Did someone finally tattoo it on your forehead for you? Is that what it took?” 

“Merce-” Lily tried again, really hurt. 

“No!” she screamed. “And then Lisette leaves me for Remus! What is this? What did I do? Was it something I did wrong? Do I really deserve to lose my two best friends? Do I? Tell me Lily!” 

“No,” Lily whispered. 

“Leave,” Mercedes said after a heavy silence. 

Lily turned with James and as she was exiting the portrait of the Fat Lady, she saw Mercedes slink up the stairs to her dormitory while every in the common room stared. 

Once Lily and James were safely in the Heads’ Room, James spoke. 

“Do you want to talk?” James asked. 

“Did I really abandon her?” 

“She seems to think so.” 

“Are you siding with her then?” Lily shot. 

“Lils, of course I’m not,” James sat down on the couch and pulled Lily onto his lap. “I’m yours. I’m always going to be on your side. Even when you’re wrong, I’m your number one supporter. Don’t forget that.” 

Lily nuzzled into James’s robes. 

“Thank you.” 

“Of course, love. I’m here for you.” 

They sat there in silence for such a long time that Lily momentarily forgot about everyone, everything and the only thing that existed to her was her heart, beating quickly and erratically, and the heart of the boy whose arms were wrapped around her. 

His too was beating very fast and very intermittently.

A/N: Okay, so yeah I've been MIA for a VERY long time but shut up you so love me for this chapter. You do. Just don't even deny it. Lily and James are FINALLY together. If you tell me you haven't forgiven me for making you wait so long then I will just have to hurt you. I really hope I did it right though. God, if I didn't I'm sure you all will come after me with torches and pitchforks. Please don't.
Haha, please please please leave a review? Please? I know it's taken forever but come on... you know you want to comment ;)

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