Chapter 15 : I'm So Sorry
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It seemed like the simplest concept. Just push them all away and I’d never get hurt. However, the simplest is not always the most effective. One day, somebody found their way in and they left me on my knees.
And what was I supposed to do now that it was over?
I sat on the edge of my bed in the darkness, trying not to feel. I could feel every ounce of my screaming out, but the sound was trapped deep within me. I couldn’t bring myself to accept the fact that we were over, that he was dead to me forever. What had I done wrong? I blamed myself, surely it was something I had done.
Slowly, I curled up into a ball and lay my head on my pillow. A single tear rolled down my cheek and I knew I was lost. I tried to hold back the flood that I knew would follow, but the gates had been weakened and the tears burst forth like a waterfall. Silent sobs wracked my body as I lay in bed with my arms wrapped around myself, feeling more lonely than I’d ever felt in my entire life. I tried to stop, tried to breath, but I was utterly gone. I gave into the sorrow and allowed myself to cry myself to sleep. In the morning, I would put on a brave face. In the morning I would act like it didn’t matter, but for now I just wanted to cry. Because I was hurt, broken beyond repair.
For one blissful moment, I woke up and thought everything was okay, except it wasn’t. There’s no worse feeling than waking up and feeling alright for a minute, then that sick feeling washes over you and you remember that it’s not okay. That you’re not okay.
I heard the other girls getting ready to go to class, but I couldn’t bring myself to join them. I couldn’t get the strength to pull myself out of bed. I was mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted. I pulled the covers over my head and tried not to let myself think. I focused hard on the blurry pink insides of my eyelids and the muffled voices from above. Finally, the last girl left, and there was complete silence.
I tried to fall back asleep, but my body would not grant me that small comfort. I lay on my back and stared at my ceiling, trying to ignore the stinging in my eyes. I knew that I should be in class, what with finals coming up and all, but I just couldn’t bring myself to face him. I couldn’t look at him, because I knew that if I did I would fall apart.
I wasted at least an hour (probably more) lying in bed, then I wasted time pacing. I wasted time thinking and I wasted time being quiet, not saying anything because I didn’t want to hear my own voice. I didn’t look at my reflection, I didn’t want to see how empty my eyes looked.
I flopped back down on my bed. I thought. I blamed myself. I hated myself. I cried a little bit. More than that, I stared at the ceiling and wondered what went wrong...what had I done wrong? Why didn’t he love me anymore? It was so sudden. So so sudden and I hadn’t been prepared for it at all.
I slept through lunch time, my appetite was completely lost.
It was a painful sensation, a crippling blow to my heart. Every breath and every second seemed to take years. I tried to push it aside, but my heart would let me, preferring to soak in misery. “I won’t let you forget him Rose.” It seemed to say.
Time passed at a brutal pace.
I heard someone enter the common room. I knew who it was before I heard their voice, and I buried myself deeper in my covers.
“Rosie?” Albus called up the stairs. “Are you up there?”
I remained silent, praying that he would leave. After a while, he called up again.
“Ok, strike that question, I know you’re up there. Are you alright? What happened?”
“Go away Albus.” I called back at him.
“No Rose, I need to talk to you.”
“Come up here then.”
“I can’t, you know that.”
“Well, I don’t want to talk to you ok?” My voice cracked as I tried to force down the tears in my throat. I heard Albus attempted to run up the enchanted staircase, which would have been amusing if I wasn’t in a depressing state of heartbreak.
“Fine.” He said finally, panting. “Come find me when you want to talk about it.”
I burrowed myself in the bed. I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to talk to anyone; I didn’t ever want to leave the room again. I wanted to become a part of the bed, to be one with it and never get up.
Finally, I drifted off into a fitful sleep.
I was locked in a tall tower that looked a lot like the owlry. Looking through the window I could see Scorpius standing out on the ledge. I tried to call out to him, but no noise would come out of my throat. He stared, not at me, but right through me.
I waved my hands desperately trying to get his attention, but to no prevail. Giovanna Hurdstrom slipped up behind him and whispered something in his ear and kissed him on the cheek. I started to cry, regaining my voice.
“Scorpius!” I started to call out, but someone’s hand stifled my cry. I looked up into Olivia’s smirking face.
Giovanna took Scorpius’ hand seductively. Olivia’s hand muffled my screams. Giovanna looked up in triumph. Olivia was laughing...laughing...
I woke up screaming. The dorm was dark around me, and I could hear the other girls making normal sleep noises. My face was buried in my pillow and I was covered in a cold sweat. I rolled over on my back and waited for the pain to overtake me. It came on full force, a crippling sensation. It had been less than twenty four hours...it felt like a lifetime.
The next morning I woke up in an empty room. I had barely gotten out of bed the day before, and I wasn’t really feeling up to it at the moment. But the fuzzy coating on my teeth and the greasy patches of my hair made it nessecary for me to lug my pathetic body off the bed. I looked at my clock. It was just about time for first class to begin. Potions with the Slytherins... I couldn’t bring myself to go. I’ll just take a shower and go to charms, I thought as I padded towards the bathroom. I pushed open the door and was stopped by the all too familiar sight before me.
Olivia was walking away from the toilet, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. I stared at her tearstained face. Her guilty eyes locked with mine for a moment, and all thoughts of our fights and Scorpius momentarily left my mind. All I could think of was her pathetic figure before me.
“Oh Olivia,” I said quietly. “I thought you were going to stop doing that.” Wrapping an arm around herself, she averted her eyes...staring down at the floor.
“Mind your own business.” She said in what was supposed to be a snide tone, but her quavering voice gave her away.
“I can’t just watch you do this to yourself Olivia.” I said sternly.
She glared up at me through bleary eyes. “Why do you care?” she demanded. She looked guilty, so guilty. My heart broke for her. It almost didn’t even matter what she had done to me. She was a poor misguided girl with some serious issues, and I cared about her. Without thinking, I walked briskly over and wrapped my arms around her small body. She stood stiffly for a moment, but then she went limp and buried her head on my shoulder. She started to cry, sobs overtaking her body. I hugged her tighter, easing my pain by trying to extinguish hers. We sat down on the floor. I was still in my nightgown, and the tile was cold on my bare legs.
“I’m so...sorry.” she sobbed. “ I’m so sorry.”
“Shh.” I hushed, rubbing her back. “It’s alright, It’s okay.” She pulled away, wiping her eyes. “I was so awful to you, you didn’t deserve it. You’re the only one who’s ever really cared about me, and I was so terrible...” her voice choked, and she had to take a deep breath. “Why do you still care about me?” she asked, searching my eyes for an answer.
I thought for a moment. “I suppose it’s because I know who you really are, and that wasn’t you. I care about the real you... the you that you don’t let everyone see. You are my friend and I am yours, no matter what you do to try and change that. A friend can see the pain in your eyes while everyone else believes the smile on your face. It’s what we do.”
Her face crumpled. “You are such a good person Rose, and I am so terrible! I was just so jealouse of you, you’re beautiful and confident and everyone wanted to be you. I just wanted to have some control... you know me and control, it’s what got me into this whole mess,” she motioned to the toilet. “and I just felt so pushed aside, it was always you and Albus and...” she sighed “and I couldn’t stand seeing him with Geneva and all the boys noticed you and I thought if I was the it girl like you then maybe he would notice me.”
I was slightly lost. “Wait...he? Surely you don’t mean...”
She nodded solemnly.
“Not Albus.” I said incredulously.
She blushed. “Rose, I’ve liked him forever.” She shook her head. “But that’s not important right now. I just...I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry too. I should’ve realized what was going on. I neglected you... I was just so wrapped up in my own world. I’m sorry.”
We hugged each other for a long time. I was surprised that she liked Albus, but it made sense. I felt stupid for not noticing sooner. Eventually my legs began to go numb and we moved back into the empty dorm room.
“So, it doesn’t bother you that I like Albus?” Olivia asked uncertainly. I thought for a moment.
“No, it doesn’t bother me. I don’t really know what’s going on in that boy’s head though. I mean he’s obviously not in his right mind, seeing as he’s dating Geneva...” Olivia let out a snort, “And he might not be too thrilled with you at the moment, he’s very...loyal. But no ‘liv. It doesn’t bother me.” She looked relieved.
“You are so understanding Rose. I’m sorry I gave you such a hard time about Mal-Scorpius. He seems like a really good guy, I can’t believe I was so terrible to you two.” At the mention of his name, my heart stopped momentarily then sunk into my stomach.
“Well, don’t work yourself up about it.” I said quietly.
“What do you mean?”
“He broke up with me last night.” I mumbled, fighting back tears.
“What?” She scrambled over onto my bed. “Why that little git! Why?”
Now it was my turn to cry. I sobbed into her shoulder as I related the whole story, starting from the night his father showed up and ending with the owlry incident.
“And I just don’t understand...” I choked, “I don’t know what I did and I just...” I couldn’t finish my sentence. It was hard to talk about him so quickly... I didn’t really know how to handle it. I looked up at Olivia’s tear streaked face. “You look like a mess.” I said. She snickered.
“So do you.” she replied. I was sure that I did, I hadn’t showered and my face was stained with tears from the past twenty four hours.
“We should probably go to class.” Olivia said wearily.
“Probably.” I said. “But I don’t really want to.”
She laughed, her real laugh that I had missed so much. “Okay. But we still need to get cleaned up. We are disgusting.” She eyed my hair pointedly.
“Right.” I started towards the bathroom to take a shower.
“Thanks. For being so forgiving.”
“No problem ‘Liv.” I couldn’t stay angry at her. She needed me too much. And Scorpius or no Scorpius, I had changed for the better in that time period away from the social scene. “I should be thanking you.” And with that I left her sitting bewildered on my bed as I stepped into the bathroom.
In life there are two kinds of people. Those who pick you up and those who knock you down. Sometimes a person can be both. Either way, when the day is done... you’ll thank them both.
I could hear Albus yelling as Olivia and I made our way down the stairs for dinner.
“Rose Weasley!” he was calling as we rounded the corner, “If you don’t come down here right now I’ll –“
“You’ll what Al?” I took in his shocked face. “Drool on me? Let’s go.” I tried to laugh and be normal on the way down to the great hall, but it was very hard. It didn’t feel right, I felt like I was trying to hard to make jokes and smile. Still, being with Albus and Olivia was better than lying in my bed staring at the ceiling. At least with them I had a small distraction from the gnawing pain in my stomach.
As we walked through the large doors into the hall I kept my eyes straight ahead, determined not to look at the Slytherin table. I knew that I couldn’t handle seeing his face. I couldn’t bear to see the pain on his face, or worse, not see it. After all, he didn’t love me anymore, he was probably fine... and I couldn’t handle that.
A hush fell over the sixth year Gryffindor table as Olivia, Albus and I walked up together. Olivia walked over to her usual seat and Albus walked to his. Olivia stared pointedly at Geneva, who was sitting between them.
“Move.” She said icily. Geneva rolled her eyes, but moved to the other side of Albus. I sat down between them and looked up into the bewildered faces of my former friends. I sighed in annoyance. This wasn’t going to be fun.
“Is there a problem?” Olivia asked with a raised eyebrow. No one replied. “I didn’t think so.”
After a minute or so of awkward silence, people began to talk again. A few people already started clamoring for my attention again. It was annoying really, how fickle they could be, but I gladly welcomed the distraction. Anything to keep me from thinking about the pain in my stomach.
Then the conversation around me changed to the ball. The end of term was two weeks away, and the ball was the night before the last day of school.
One of the girls turned to me. “Rose, aren’t you going with-“
I couldn’t bear to hear his name. “I’m not going with anyone.” I cut her off. “I’m not going at all.” Then I made the mistake of looking over at him. Merlin, he was beautiful. Even more so when I couldn’t have him, couldn’t touch him, couldn’t kiss him...
Tears clouded my vision and suddenly I couldn’t breathe.
“I-I have to go.” I stammered to Olivia. I got up quickly and dashed out of the hall as quickly as I could without running. I made my way up to the Gryffindor tower and flung myself onto my bed before I burst into tears.
Why did I think that I could handle seeing him? Why did I come to dinner in the first place? Why was I putting my poor heart through this? Feeling was too much for my fragile state. I would have to stop. Stop feeling anything and allow myself to live without the pain. I would have to give up the happiness too, but anything would be better than the ripping sensation in my chest. I curled up into a ball once again and let myself fade into numbness
So, not exactly the most uplifting chapter. Once again, sorry about that. But it is necessary.
It will be a while before I can post the next chapter because I am going away for two weeks, but I will try to finish it before I leave and then put it on a disk or something. Anyway, if this story goes a while without being updated, don’t give up. I’m just at camp!
By the way, what do you all think of the new banner? I made it because I wanted something new... but be honest if you liked the old one better. I want to know!
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