I hate you. Stop trying to talk to me. You’re not my brother anymore.
I Hate you.
I crumpled up those words before they could continue to echo in my head, written on a spare parchment in his fast, pointed writing. I knew that Regulus had taken very little time writing this note. I was sure the paper was simply scrap from one of his classes, written to me as an afterthought, like I was an aggravation, something he had forgotten to take care of earlier, and was doing it half assed now.
I felt anger. So beyond the type that makes you break everything within reach. This anger was physically immobilizing. And as I sat there, clenching the paper in my fist as I tried to keep myself on my bed and not lock myself behind the bathroom door that was straight ahead, opened and so very inviting, I realized my anger was not at him.
It wasn’t his fault. He was only doing what he was told. What he needed to do to continue living in the situation he was in.
And I doubt he knew how deep that word had cut me.
“Shut up!” They were chanting it, the demons in my head, knowing that it was not only the intent of the word from him that tore me apart, but the fact that I felt the same horrible feeling towards myself. How was I supposed to fight that feeling when I felt it always?
I was a horrible brother.
A horrible son.
A horrible person.
I deserved to be hated.
“Fuck.” I resisted from screaming it by biting at my lip as I hit my head against the wall that the head of my bed was pushed up against. That was me. Fuck. A fucker, a fuckup, and thoroughly Fucked up.
My fingers found condolences in touching the smooth metal of the pocket knife blade, the sharp edge making a familiar scrape like sound as I ran it sideways over the skin of my fingertips, hitting each groove of my fingerprint lightly. I resisted frequently the urge to press it harder into my skin by biting at my lip over again. No, no blood today, just the metal. That’s all they got. Those demons in my head.
The door of the dorm swung opened and I panicked, the second causing my hardly constrained force to bore down on the fingertip I was grazing over the blade, the release of my holding back causing it to draw a drop of blood. I cursed under my breath as a small pain pricked a second after the red of blood.
I calmed myself, thinking logically. It seemed one of the only time that I did think logically was when I was trying to hid it. No need to quickly put the knife away. That would imply I was doing something secret.
Instead I put my finger in my mouth first, sucking a little to draw more blood and then swallowing the copper taste, pulling the cut finger away from my lips when I knew it wouldn’t continue bleeding. It wasn’t a deep cut. I was lucky.
“Hey Pads.” Remus’ voice was calming, although the questioning tone made me worry. He would start analyzing soon. He always saw too much for his own good. One day it would get him in trouble.
“Hey Moony.” I replied, smiling in his direction, closing the knife carefully and putting it on my bedside table, as if it was the simplest thing in the world, as if I was only fooling around with the thing. I hoped I was doing a good enough acting job. Sometimes I wondered if he saw through me. Some of the looks he gave me, they made me feel like he could read right through my fake actions.
“James was wondering why you weren’t at dinner. I offered to come check to see if you were here.” I pulled my knees up to my chest, resting arms on them as I watched Remus sit on the edge of my bed, leaning back on his hands, too casual. He was waiting, for what I wasn’t sure. A confession of some sort perhaps, but how did he know I had something to confess. He didn’t. He was bluffing.
“Just wasn’t hunger, and I had some homework to finish up.” I explained, shrugging, knowing I was convincing even though I rarely bothered with homework. Perhaps it wasn’t the idea of me doing homework that was convincing, but maybe just the idea of me wanting to be alone that I had somehow gotten though to him in those words without saying it right out.
“That’s unlike you. Usually you’d always choose a bit of socialization over work.” He noted, lying down on his back and folding his arms behind his head at the end of my bed. I had the feeling he wanted to be away from the crowd himself, and felt slight condolence in the fact that he was fine with simply being alone with me. It made me feel special, like I wasn’t the same as everyone else to him, like I didn’t count as a person really. He wanted to be away from people, but I wasn’t one, so I was fine.
In this case, I liked not being a person.
“Everyone gets days they simply want to be alone with their thoughts. Even me.” I informed him, and he nodding, agreeing silently.
“So are you going to rat out to James where I am?” I asked, playfully, and he smiled.
“Not right away. Not unless you want me to.” He said, simply, but he had no idea how thankful I was that he was agreeing to my silent plead to simply let me be somewhat alone for a little longer. Of course, I couldn’t look too pleased. I shrugged.
“I don’t really care I guess. I’d just rather not hear about Lily for an hour.” I smirked when Remus laughed.
“I know what you mean. I feel like I’m the one dating her sometimes. I know more about that girl than I know about myself.” Remus laughed slightly again before letting out a sigh, shaking his head, and I smiled at him, not having much else to say.
I was just glad the demons had stopped yelling at me. Sometimes it seemed Remus’ calming atmosphere was the only thing that made them silent completely.
I got comfortable in the silence, letting myself relax as he did, showing his trust when he shut his eyes. I let my lip twitch upward, guilty loving how serene he seemed, the smallest of content smiles playing on his lips. He was like a dog lying loyal at my feet, making me feel exceptionally appreciated. His light brown hair played around his brow gently, around his eyelids, showing off the length of his almost invisible eyelashes.
He looked well today. The dark circle that were often under his eyes for a while after the full moon had faded away, and he had gotten his strength back, no longer looking like he was suffering from a mild cold. When he got over that stage it usually meant that it was almost time for the cycle to began again, but at least he got to enjoy the week or so of feeling better than well.
And looking better than well. He was practically glowing during this time of the month.
I never understood why I was the one gapped at. I mean, I wasn’t even that great. I was quite regular. I was taller than normal I guess, meaning girls would like my height, but I thought I was lanky. Maybe not lanky, but defiantly not as built as I could be. That took too much effort. With my plain dark hair, gray eyes, and teeth that happened to be slightly straighter then the average, I guess I could understand if I was considered fit. But compared to Remus, I was quite subpar in my opinion. In a school where people saw me with him every day, I didn’t understand how I got the attention over him. He was fit to be a god for all I saw of him. Beyond human.
Which he was if you really wanted to get technical.
He had strength beyond his age, which he didn’t show off, but it showed itself secretly in the way he moved, held himself, and in his build. I would openly admit that I had seen an eyeful of his body and he was bloody lucky that the school uniforms covered him so conveniently, because if any girl knew the things I did of that body, the things that lay under the cotton, they would probably swoon just at the mention of him. I was nothing but lean, and they liked me, so I could only assume that they would get pleasure from the definition of muscle formed on his stomach, the waves his shoulder blades made over his back, and the gentle curve of his biceps and forearms. Jealousy doesn’t even begin to describe my feelings towards the boy sometimes.
The gifts of being a werewolf. Sometimes I wish he would simply bite me so I could compete.
And his hair, which was as messy as James’ was, only differently so, carelessly messy, showing off his personality, while James’ bed head simply showed off how bigheaded he was, because he obviously makes it messy like that. Or his skin, flawless except for the one scar to the side of his left eye, which only added to his allure in my opinion. And what about his bloody eyes! I didn’t know how girls resisted him when his face resembled a sad puppy at the best of times.
Of course, I did know why. It’s because he doesn’t want the attention, and does a mighty good job at staying behind the scenes while James and I gather it away from him. He doesn’t want that much attention. That’s how he deal with the things he hides. Because he can’t act like I do. Those eyes are too bloody readable. He knew it, and he knew that if he let people pay that much attention to him they would start noticing things, and he would never be able to lie if they started asking questions.
I got too comfortable in the silence, punished when his eyes flicked open quickly and they caught me staring. I turned away, pretending the moment our eyes had meant had simply been a quick glance at him from me, trying to suppress the heat that prickled at my collar.
“So, are you going to tell me why you’re up here instead of at dinner or what?” He tried at jokingly threatening, but didn’t pull it off. He was too curious and worried about the reason. I smirked as if he had been convincing, fisting my hands discreetly as I focus on not remembering why I had been alone.
Unfortunately, the motion only reminded me more as the parchment, with those hateful words written in black ink staining it, that I still had crumpled in my hand announced itself to the conversation when I crushed it further in my fist. I knew I was caught, and held back from cursing myself as I watched his eyes flick away from me to the hand that the note peaked out from between my fingers.
“What’s that?” he asked, sitting up and reaching for it, lifting his eyes in curiosity as I pulled my hand away from him.
“Nothing.” I said simply, light, hoping he would drop it, praying he would, but I didn’t have that luck.
“Let me see.” He insisted, getting up on his knees to reach over mine to my hand, which I had moved to resting on my stomach. I pulled it away again, stretching my arm above my head, out of his reach.
“It’s not worth seeing. I told you. It’s junk.” I tried not to show him how important it was to me for him to stop asking about it, trying to seem casual, because if he knew I really didn’t want him to see it he would only want to see it more.
“If it’s junk you won’t mind me seeing.” He said, and reached for it, leaning over my knees, which I had been using as a shield between myself and him. I groaned at his weight, straining my stomach muscles as I tried my best to push against him to keep his reaching arm away from the note.
“It’s not worth the time of seeing. There’s nothing on it.” I strained the words out as he continued to reach for the note, pushing myself to hold him off, sighing thankfully and letting my abdomen muscles relax when he finally gave up and returned to sitting on his knees.
“Humor me.” I silenced my slightly heavy breathing to look at him, reading the seriousness in his tone and seeing it in the shine in his eyes, telling me that he would be reading that note one way or another. I knew that despite my attempt to conceal my want for him to simply forget about it, he saw it.
I tried at running for it, moving towards him and putting my hands on his chest in attempt to push him back so that I could take off, but he judged my action and had a grasp around my elbows the moment I touched him, pulling me over top of him as he fell backwards onto the bed. I struggled to get out of his hard grip, which had moved to around my wrists, holding them like cuffs. Soon enough he got annoyed with my lame attempts at yanking or forcing myself away from him, and he flipped over quickly so that I was pinned under him, hands above my head.
I prayed that someone would walk in, because if someone saw us like this, with our flushed faces and heavy breathes, they would assume something completely different was going down and Remus would get awkward and forget why he had me pinned like this in the first place. I could live with the questionable looks for a week or so.
I don’t know if I could live if I saw the look on his face when he read that note. His stupid look of worry that I got from him every time he noticed something off. Something that would bother a normal person. The things that I keep to myself so that the world doesn’t know it bothers me.
I didn’t have that sort of luck though. No one was going to come and save me, unfortunately.
Remus leaned over me to pry at my fingertips, releasing the wrist of my empty hand so he could focus all his effort on getting at the note that was locked in my grasp.
“You’re impossible.” He muttered, his tone strained as he attempted to not be moved by the shoving of my free hand against his stomach and shoulder, and the tugging at any part of his arm I could get to in hopes that I could get one of them away from the note. He already had two of my fingers held away from the paper though, and my grip was faltering. I was very distracted by his smell, which filled my nose as I breathed because of how close he was.
Suddenly I heard a rip, and Remus withdrew with a piece of the note in his hand. But I still had some in my hand too. I let my mouth drop open slightly as I pulled my suddenly free hand to my face and unravelled the bit of paper I still held onto.
Blank. As was Remus’ face the moment I turned back to him, realizing he had gotten the writing, and had already read it. His triumphant face fell as his eyes ran over the line of ink, his shoulders slumping slightly and his eyes turning to sadness.
“Padfoot.” I hid my pain, his concern written plainly on his face cutting me deep, and his voice, ringing with sadness on my behalf simply put salt in my fresh wounds. He only ever used my full nickname in times like this, when he wants me to be serious because he’s worried for me.
I took advantage of his moment of distraction and flipped us over, pinning him under me.
“See? Just junk. I told you but you wouldn’t believe me.” I said, messing his hair, seeing his face falter with confusion as he stared at me. I hoped he wouldn’t see how hard I was trying to make this seem insignificant.
“Junk? How is this junk? This is anything but junk Sirius. Is Regulus mad at you again? What happened? Did you say something to him? Did you get in a fight?” His questions jumped out of his mouth as quickly as they sprang to mind, so distracted he didn’t even really bother to take notice to me sitting on him like that night a week before, or the fact that he was sitting up to talk to me, only bringing himself closer to me then he already was.
I made him realized when I put my finger to his lips roughly to make him stop his mindless questioning. I noticed that I didn’t have to bring the finger very far to do so. It cut him off as he flicked his eyes to the obscuring digit then back to my gaze, where I saw him realize how close he was and panic the slightest bit. It was only a small falter though, before he turned his eyes to expectation, waiting for clarification to the questions he had managed to get out.
“Regulus is just being a twat, like always. It’s nothing I can’t deal with. You’re getting flustered over nothing. Don’t worry.” I smiled small to seal it, letting my hand fall from his lips and rest safely in front of me on his stomach, the tip of my finger pulling down the lower lip of his slightly gapped mouth the smallest bit in the action. He followed the hand with his eyes, running the tip of his tongue over his lip as he nodded carefully, buying my reply.
I sighed in relief before I could stop myself, too distracted by the expression on his face and the gentle rhythm of his breathing that I felt though my own body because of my position atop him. I turned my eyes up quickly to his in hopes to see him oblivious to the fact that my breath had been so clearly thankful, only to see them shut, his lower lip being gently gnawed on by his teeth, his breathing still steady, but different.
He was trying too hard to keep it steady. Like I was suddenly.
I sucked in a breath, rough on my dry throat.
This was all wrong. This was all different.
I had been closer to him than this before, during wrestling matches and evenings that I had fallen asleep practically on his lap when he makes me stay up to study with him. I had been in situations seemingly much more awkward. I had even slept with him, nights where we would stay up talking until we were so tired that to physically move to the beds we belonged was impossible. I had practically made out with him only a few days before, hell I had seen him naked, after full moons.
But somehow none of those times counted. This time was different. I wasn’t familiar with this feeling.
The demons where back, screaming in my ears, my head throbbing with my racing heartbeat, hundreds of beats per breath it seemed. I closed my eyes against their yells. They weren’t screaming for blood this time. They were screaming for a completely different desire.
I couldn’t refuse them. I had to refuse them.
For his sake.
My eyes shot open, lips sucking in another sharp breath as I felt him shift under me, panic, even though I was sure there was no intent behind the movement.
“Should we go down to supper then?” I blurted out, retreating like a frightened deer, only realizing after the words that I had managed my hand around a bunch of his shirt at his stomach, where I had allowed my hand to lay. I released it quickly. His eyes shot open like mine had when my words hit his ear, the look of startle written in his eyes as well.
“Uh, yeah. They’ll be wondering where we took off to.” I was already off of Remus at ‘yeah’, heading for the door, only too ready to be in normal company.
I only hoped that I would be able to ignore the demons angry screams long enough to have the noise of the great hall drown them out.
A/N: Thanks to everyone who's left a review so far! You're support and opinions have been greatly appreciated :D
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