Chapter 5 : A New Page
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A/N: Well, hello! Long time, no write. What can I say about from I'm Sorry?
Much has changed since I last wrote.
I jolted awake suddenly and glanced at my clock. 8.00AM. No one would be up this early on a Saturday.
Pulling back my bed sheets, I stood up and stretched stiffly. Shuffling to the bathroom, I splashed water on my face and stared at my reflection. Nothing on the outside had changed, but the inside of me had. My mind had. I was now a new person with no connections to anything or anyone.
Dressing slowly, I contemplated on what to do on my first Saturday at Hogwarts. It was still early, so I decided to go for a walk around the lake to clear my head.
The entrance doors creaked when I pushed them open and slipped outside. The grass was soft and the air was crisp. It felt cool against my face, and I began to relax. Hugging my arms around me, I began to jog, gaining speed with every step.
Soon, I was sprinting as fast as I could, my lungs burning and my eyes streaming. My legs ached but I would not stop. With the sharp air now whipping against my face, my tears just came faster and I longed to run faster.
Why was I running? Was there something to run from? I couldn't tell. My mind wasn't registering anything but the thought of the freedom I felt as I ran. The feeling of all my problems dropping away with each step.
Eventually, the boundaries began to approach, so I slowed my pace. When I stopped, I put my hands on my knees, breathing hard. My legs were shaking uncontrollably as I collapsed on the cold grass.
I closed my eyes and draped my arm across my face. My pulse was racing and I was panting hard. All my thoughts from last night came rushing back, and I longed for the absence of those thoughts. But since my thoughts were back, and staying put, I decided to get it over with and sort them out.
Propping myself on my elbows, I ran through the events that were currently rotating around my personal universe. I suppose I was now an orphan. Abandoned. Unloved. No family to return to. Where would I go during the longest break? No one was ever allowed to stay at Hogwarts then. Where would Sirius go? His family didn't want him anymore, either. I suppose we could stick together. We will. Of course we will.
But wait. There will be no more long breaks. This was my last year at Hogwarts! What will happen when I graduate? What will happen to Sirius? What will happen to us? I'll have to start earning money. Start a career. What am I going to do after school? What are me and Sirius going to do? We'll be together, of course.
We could stay at the Leaky Cauldron. That could work. We could get jobs during the break to support ourselves. It would be so grown up. Responsibility has always terrified me, but now I have no choice. We both have money, that's for sure, what with the family we belong to. I mean, belonged. They wouldn't take our money away, would they? Surely not.
Now that my thoughts had strayed to Sirius, a smile began to brighten up my face as I thought of last night's kiss. Does this mean we're now a couple? There was definiately a spark there. Chemistry, frission, whatever. Do I love him? Maybe. I don't know what love even is. I doubt he does, too.
But Sirius has always been known for playing the field. Maybe it wasn't as exciting for him as it was for me. Maybe there was no spark for him. Maybe it was just some kiss to him. Maybe he's completely oblivious to how I feel.
Surely not! There was something there, I'm sure of it. He must have felt it. The whole world must have felt it! I thought I was going to jump up and touch the stars. I felt like I could fly. Does everyone feel like this when they think they're in love?
Love. Hm. It must be love. It feels pretty damn good when I think about him! Perhaps this is love. I hope it is. It's nice. Perhaps we're both dramatically in love - young, first love - and this will change our lives. Our lives have already changed together. Why can't they stay together? They can, of course they can.
Suddenly, I felt jumpy. I couldn't stay sitting on that still, cold, boring grass any longer. Feeling the sudden urge to see Sirius, I jumped up and ran back into the castle, up the staircase and through the Portrait Hole.
I clambered up the boys staircase toward their dormitory, opened the door quietly and spotted Sirius. God, he's adorable when he sleeps. Maybe I should leave him a little longer. As I approached him, he turned in his sleep and mumbled, "Melissa Black."
Wow. He is totally dreaming about us being married. Melissa Black, Melissa Black, Melissa Black, I chanted in my head. It fits! It definiately fits.
I decided to stay and crept toward his bed. He rolled back, facing me, and mumbled my name again. My smile widened. Sitting down softly next to him, I gently shook his shoulder.
Sirius' eyes opened blearily, registered me vaguely, and he smiled. He lifted his hand to my face and stroked my cheek. My skin tingled at his touch. Suddenly, he pulled his bed sheets back, his eyes still half closed. I pulled off my jeans and slipped in beside him.
He was only wearing boxers, no shirt, and he was extremely warm. His arm snaked around me and held me close. I snuggled into his chest and he kissed the top of my head. Yes, this must be love. Sirius began tracing different patterns on my back, his hands inching lower each time. My skin rose in goosebumps and my heart raced.
I stroked his strong chest, perfectly content to just lie with him for the rest of eternity. Sirius hugged me tightly, not wishing to let go, and he whispered, "This must be a dream." I laughed softly and replied, "Trust me, its not. Your imagination isn't this good."
I swallowed hard and began to speak about what I had been thinking of before.
"Sirius, I was thinking about... well, everything, really. Now that we're... alone, together, without family... I'm guessing we'll stick together? What will happen once we graduate? Will we stay together? Where will we live? We have nowhere to go. We might as well go somwhere, together, now that we're... alone." I rambled myself into silence.
Sirius kissed me on the top of my head again and said nothing. Then, he cleared his throat to speak.
"Well, first, you think too much. But you make fair points. I don't know what will happen. I presumed I would live with James. The Potters are my second family. I've always been alone in a sense, so I don't think never seeing my family again will matter. Graduating doesn't matter to me, either. All I know right now, is that this is my new start. My new page, whatever you call it. I need to embrace it as best I can."
When Sirius stopped speaking, I could only notice that he didn't mention one thing about us, but my whole speech had been about us. Together. A stab of pain hit my heart and my stomach rolled. I felt cold. So maybe he didn't think about us the way I did.
I slid my arms away from him and folded them close to my chest. My legs curled away from his, too. Tears budded under my eyelids but I knew that I musn't let them fall.
Sirius looked down at my face. "What's the matter?" he asked with concern. I just shook my head, unable to speak. My throat felt restricted. Sirius tilted my face up towards him with his hand. He inspected my face and announced, "You're about to cry." My eyes narrowed and I pulled away.
"Melissa? What's wrong?"
How could he be so oblivious? Does he honestly think that I didn't notice that he never mentioned us? Did it even cross his mind that we could be together?
I rolled out of his bed and pulled my jeans on. Sirius grabbed my hand but I wrenched it away. He grabbed for my hand again and hung on, despite my attempts to shake him off.
"Melissa," he said with more force, "Tell me what's wrong. You can't just stop speaking to me." He tried to pull me around so he could see into my face, but I just shook my head. "Watch me," I whispered. With one final yank, his hand fell away from mine and I slipped out the dormitory.
By now, people were up and wandering about, chatting and laughing with friends. The common room was slightly crowded, but bearable. I felt invisible, but it was okay. I didn't mind. I didn't want to speak to anyone anyway.
Suddenly, people looked up towards the staircases, chuckling to themselves. "Put some clothes on!" someone called out. I looked up and saw Sirius standing at the top of the staircase, just in his boxers, with a desperate look of despair on his face.
Sirius spotted me and called out, "Melissa! Talk to me. I can't handle seeing you sad." I shook my head at him, turning away. "Melissa!" Sirius called out louder, "What do you want me to do? What can I say? Did I do something?" I glared at him angrily but this just made him continue to talk. "What can I say to make it okay!? What can I do?" Sirius was yelling now.
"You can't do anything and you did everything! The only thing you could say is 'I'm sorry for crushing your heart, Mel. I'm sorry for brushing away any thought of us being together. I'm sorry I refuse to remember last night. I'm sorry I can't love you the way you love me, Melissa!!'" I yelled back at him.
At the sight of his blank face, I turned on my heel and ran for the nearest exit.
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