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If I Loved Him by tehshalena
Chapter 1 : If I Loved Him
 
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As I stood at the peak of the hill I could see the chaos below me so clearly, yet it felt like it was through a glass, like I was not part of it.

I keep trying to tell myself that this is it, this is the final battle, but yet somehow my mind doesn’t want to accept this truth, I crept back into denial.  This strange and guilty feeling was taking over me when I should be feeling the anxiety of fighting for my life alongside my friends and comrades; instead I was standing here watching from afar.

I felt like a coward standing here.  I should be in the fight, with them where the flashes of green and red are souring through the air.  I should be shouting the words that could save the world.  But still I couldn’t will my feet to move.  I don’t know why I am standing here, I don’t know why my body refuses to enter the battle, I no longer fear death, I have faced so many times that the prospect doesn’t flicker a shred of fear.

I let my eyes travel over the fighters below me, looking for the familiar faces that are fighting for the good of the people, my side.  Or was I on their side?

 It confused me to think of it, my loyalty was always on his side, on their side.  They were where my morals, friendships lie.  But on the other, it was where my love belongs.  I searched for him. 

 And then I found the reason why I could not enter the battle, it was because of him, because of what they made me do.  Because what my best friend asked me to do, led to a chain of events that touched my heart and set the seed of betrayal. 

Harry Potter, my best friend, sent me into the enemy camp, to become a spy after gaining knowledge that I had become the object of desire of Draco Malfoy, the son of a Death Eater, who undoubtedly would become the Death Eater that he was now, fighting below.

I was sent in and to act like I had fallen under his spell, fulfil his desires and gain a place at his side, to gather information from behind enemy gates.  They had faith in me that I would get my feelings detached, indifferent, but it easier said than done.   It was a difficult time, a time of struggle where each day I would fight against my conscious and stop myself from falling in love with him.

 Of course it was lost cause, it was inevitable that I would fall for him, something that I knew deep down inside but denied to admit.  Knowing this, I still went to him, gave myself to him, body and soul. 

And now standing here, watching my best friend and my love fight each other stung so much, and I can’t stand it, I don’t know which side I belong to.  

I took a deep breath and started to walk slowly towards the battle that was taking place on the Hogwarts grounds.  It started here, and it made sense that it would end here.  The green lights that had been so clear were nothing but blurs flashing across my eyes. 

I dodged a few spells but none were aimed at me, it seemed that I was invisible to them.  I walked past a few Death Eaters but none saw me and so I kept walking to the centre of the battle, towards Harry who was engaged in battle with Voldemort himself.

I wanted to look for Draco, but now was not the time, I wanted to help Harry.  I knew that Harry would win in the end, there was no denying it.  The Good always prevails over the dark and evil, it’s just a matter of time, a matter of lives that it takes to gain it.  With my heart I hoped that Harry would win, that he would be the one that comes out of the battle alive, carrying victory upon his shoulders.

Suddenly I felt a hand touch my shoulders, pulling me back, into an embrace.  I couldn’t see whose body I was held against was, but I could tell through the way my heart fell, it was not Draco.  It was someone else, and my money was on Ron.  

I had always had a soft spot for him, and even thought that I loved him.  It wasn’t until I was with Draco when I knew what it was like to love, despite knowing that he didn’t love me the same way I loved him.

I always knew that Draco was never faithful to me; I knew that he had many women in his life, and I was only one of them.  Pathetic I know, but the fact that I was the one that slept in his bed at his manor each night comforted me.  It comforted me that I was the one that he acknowledged, kept in his life and not discarded like clothes like all the others.  I tried to lie to myself that I was paranoid, that his other women were pieces of my imagination, I kept it all under my skin, and most of all I hid it away from Draco.  I didn’t want to lose anything that I had with him over jealously and suspicion, even though I was certain, I didn’t want to lose him.  I just wanted to be with him, no matter how many I was sharing him with.

“Hermione where have you been?!?! I was so worried!” Ron’s voice came to my ears and I felt his hand stroke my hair.  I let myself melt into his arms, absorbing his warmth. “I’m so happy you’re safe”

“I’m fine Ron” I said against his chest, starting to pull away, realising that we would become a target once we were noticed.

“Don’t worry, they can’t see you.”  Ron’s voice said softly, “and as long as I’m attached to you, they can’t see me either”

I looked at him, I must have pulled a confused gaze at him as I got my answer. “Dumbledore left Harry a spell for invisibility.  Did you know that Dumbledore can be invisible without the cloak?”  He said with the obvious amazement in this face. I nodded with a forced smile, my ear had caught Draco’s voice in the background.  My mind started to wander, and this was obviously written on my face, as Ron’s hand had placed his finger on my chin and grabbed my attention to him.

“Dumbledore left the spell for Harry, helping him in the mission that he left him.  It was a miracle worker.”  I couldn’t help but let my face drop as I heard this, I wasn’t included in the mission.  Sure I knew all about it, I was updated and informed but I wasn’t there on the adventure.  I was playing mistress to Draco Malfoy (not that I would have it any other way, it just hurt not being included).  “I’m sorry for bringing it up” his expression was apologetic, my heart melt immediately for him, I tried to smile, and urge him to go on. “I’m sorry, so yeah Dumbledore left Harry the spell, and made a different modified one that only allows those who the caster chooses to see them.  Harry put in on you, and no Death Eater can see you.”

Inside my head clogs were turning, it made so much sense, and it yet opened more windows too.  It would explain how I could walk into the middle of the battle and not a single Death Eater had tried to attack me.  But what confused me was why Ron didn’t have the charm on too.  I could understand why Harry wasn’t using the spell, he would want a clean proper battle with Voldemort, because he was noble like that.  I wasn’t saying that Ron wasn’t noble, I just thought that it would be a good game plan for him to take down the Death Eaters

“We put you under the spell because we know.” He stopped at looked at my face, into my eyes.  It was like he was searching for something, looking for the confirmation that his assumptions were right.  I looked back at him, offering everything to him. “Hermione we know about you and Malfoy.”  His words were sharp, straight to the point and piercing right into his heart with each word.  He was looking for something to put him into denial, but from his look, he didn’t find any.  I had broken his heart.

“Ron! I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean for it to happen.” I started to plead. “I just can’t explain it, I mean...” and the tears started to pour down my face, in a really strange level I was glad that the Death Eaters couldn’t see me, or Ron and our conversation was blinded to them, drowned out but the screams of curses.

His finger came up and rested on my lips. “Sh...You don’t need to.  Both me and Harry knew that you loved him before you even went to him.  It was written on your face, we just gave you a little push” his voice was croaky, fighting back the tears.  It made me feel so much worse than the coward I was watching over the battle. “I knew you didn’t love me Hermione, I know, I just wanted you to know that I loved you.  I just wanted to you to know, to tell myself that I tried.”

“I know, Ron.  I’ve known for a while, but it seemed like you had moved on when you got together with Laven...”

“It was a smoke screen.  I wanted you to go to him without bringing me into the equation.  I didn’t want you thinking that you were hurting me by going to him.  I wanted it to be your decision to take the mission, not influenced by the false, I don’t know how to put it, but the misinterpreted feeling for love, and I have always known that it wasn’t the real thing for you, it never was and never could have been.”

His words were both relieving and painful but it was his eyes that pierced through to my soul.  I had imagined a life with Ron, a family and a future.  I had thought about getting married to him and spending the rest of my life with him.  I had thought that I loved him with all my heart, I thought that he was the one, that he was the other half of me that I was missing, half of my soul.  But apparently he didn’t have the other half of mine, but instead I had stolen his.  I started to shake and tremble, hating myself for what I had done.

And with the strong arms that I thought I would grow old with took me held me close to him, comforting me as he stroked my hair.

I wished that it was Draco holding me, comforting me and for once in a long time valuing me for being there in his arms.  The sparks of our romance had long since died down, he was kind to me, sweet and loving in any act towards me, but it has vanished, vanished with the sparks.  The chase for me had become easier and I was no longer a challenge to pursue. 

I sighed, sighed for the woman that I have become, I had lost my independence, my confidence and most of all, my dignity, all for the name of Love, that may not exist anymore. For a man that doesn’t love anymore, or have ever loved me at all

I relished the days that Draco had went out of his way to get to my heart, it got me through my days of waiting for him to come home.  I remembered the way that his eyes sparkled with longing when he looked at me across the tables.  The way that his breath felt on my neck as he breathed his desires to me, the way he held me as if I meant the world to him, all faded and have become nothing but memories in my heart.  

I have been with him for 3 years, 3 of the most happy and miserable years of my life.  I had found the man that I was searching for, the one who completed me.  But at the same time, I had degraded myself, bent over sideways, and changed myself for him.  I hated myself for letting myself go so completely to him.  I gave myself to him knowing that he was a womaniser, a heartless player.  I had been blinded by this kind and sweetness that was only temporary, after the sparks were gone, they were gone too.  And yet I could not leave him, I was happy that he had let me stay in his life, be in his life.  I couldn’t live a day without him, he was like a drug, he was killing me but I was addicted to him unable to escape, I had given my life to him and I didn’t care if as long as I was with him.

“Seeing you go wasn’t easy, it hurt so much.  I’m not trying to guilt you, I just want you to know.  I wanted to tell you when I have the chance, I need the feeling that you know and fight without any regrets.”  I looked at him, straight into his eyes and saw it, this was his form of a suicide note. I wanted to protest but no words made it to my mouth. “I needed you to know that I love you, hell, you’ve got my heart and soul, and they are yours.  Keep them safe”  

He let go of me, giving me a weak smile and charged into the battle and out of sight behind the raging Death Eaters.  I just stood there trying to take in the words he had said, letting the tears in my eyes fall freely.

With all my heart I wanted to love Ron, I really did.  It would have made my life a lot easier, happier.  Loving him was natural way to go, no pain, just happiness.  He would be there for me when I needed him, the perfect boyfriend, husband and father.

Disclaimer: if i owned Harry Potter and everything in it, then I would be RICH, and Dramione would be Canon.  but i dont :( 

A/N: I've not quite decided if i should continue this story, and go back in time to decribe how hermione feel for Draco..hm..., you guys could decide and tell me what you think :P :D




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