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Courage by _Emma_
Chapter 1 : Courage
 
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Courage
By _Emma_



A/N: I’ve not given the character a name; it’s a girl during the Hogwarts era.


I told another lie today
And I got through this day

Standing in front of my mirror I glanced down at my stomach. I could hear the snide comments that people said behind my back, ‘FAT’ ‘COW’ ‘FLABBY’.

No one saw through my games
I know the right words to say


I could see the fat clinging to my bones. Gaining in size every time I ate. I saw the me that everyone else saw. The fat me. The chubby me. The ugly me.

Like "I don't feel well," "I ate before I came"
Then someone tells me how good I look


Why is it that people celebrate every holiday with food? Easter with chocolate, Christmas with turkey, New Year with pie, birthdays with cake? I’ll tell you why, they can’t stop themselves, where as I can. control, that’s what important. We eat to live, not live to eat.

And for a moment, for a moment I am happy
But when I'm alone, no one hears me cry


Every day they try to force food down my throat, trying to fatten my up, just like them. Well I don’t want to be like them. If a plant can learn to survive without water then why can’t I survive without food?

I need you to know
I'm not through the night


Why do people say you’ve lost weight when you haven’t to make you feel better? What’s the point in lying so someone can have a boost in confidence? Someone will tell the truth eventually so why not spit it out, get it over with?

Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know


I barely even go out now; I can’t be bothered with the comments about me. I don’t see any reason to, I don’t need to eat, only appear at a few meals a week, say I’m studying. The façade seems to be working, even though when I see people they just lie about my weight. How long will they lie for?

That we'll be OK
Together we can make it through another day


Truth is, I can’t study. Well I can but I can’t take it in. I spend my time flicking through magazines, looking for inspiration, encouragement to lose the fat on my body. The scales seemingly lie though, the numbers getting smaller there but not on my waist, it stays the same, at the same line, all day, all night. Can’t it just copy the scales and get smaller?

I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful
The day I chose not to eat


I exercise, study, go to meals but don’t eat, exercise sleep, wake-up, exercise, study, go to meals but don’t eat… it never ends. It’s like a tumble dryer going round and round. My life is a spin cycle only it doesn’t stop because it’s finished. I’m the pair of jeans that won’t dry, the jumper that’s always soaked. Will I always be the clothes in the tumble dryer?

What I do know is how I've changed my life forever
I know I should know better


I keep going though. I will. I’m strong; I won’t give up on this. I will be thin, like the models and actresses. The first thing I’ve really stuck to and I’m going to stay stuck to it. I will do it. I will make it to the end. I will reach the finish line. My body will be the medal I get for completing the circuit called life.

There are days when I'm OK
And for a moment, for a moment I find hope


I can only concentrate on two things, not reading, not studying, not even keeping in touch with friends. Counting calories and exercise. The only things that really matter in my life. Numbers everywhere. Calories, minutes of exercise each day. Calories getting smaller, exercise increasing. Will I only ever count? Not friends but how much I’ve eaten?

But there are days when I'm not OK
And I need your help


I can do it. I can get thinner. I can cut it all off. I can wear low-slung jeans with crop tops and long straight dresses like the models do. I can fly and be free. I can be free of the food I crave. Think about this. What would you rather have, a burst stomach lining or an unused one?

So I'm letting go

Just think of what I can be like when I’m thin. I can be the popular girl. The one all the guys like. The one that’s always invited to parties. The one that gets complimented, not put down. The girl I’m not.

I need you to know
I'm not through the night


Imagine being one of the girls up on a catwalk, cameras flashing all around you, wearing designer labels like Chanel, Gucci, Prada. The clothes that hug the girls thin frames, highlighting their thin arms. Their thin legs. Their flat stomachs. Their hair’s styled to make their faces thinner.

Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know


Okay, I’ve heard the whole ‘sticks and stones/ may break my bones/ but names will never hurt me’ thing that parents drill into you when you’re young. I’m sure you’ve all heard it. But have you ever walked down the corridor in school and it’s completely quiet? Just when you happen to appear in your tight clothes, your hair hanging around your face in an unflattering way. Well I have. Loads of times. Almost every day I’m at school.

That we'll be OK
Together we can make it through another day


I used go home and cry about it but not now. I’m in control of my life now. I’m getting thinner; I’m getting less stares now. Less attention to my fat, imperfect body. An imperfect body reflects an imperfect person. I’m imperfect and I know it, that’s why I decided to do something about it.

You should know you're not on your own
These secrets are walls that keep us alone


It is hard though. The food all around me; blueberry muffins at breakfast, pepperoni pizza at lunch, chocolate cake after dinner, cookies as a snack. I can be in control though. I have learned how to control what I eat. I create distractions, dramas in my life that need to be resolved. Who doesn’t have drama? I just happen to have more than most though.

I don't know when but I know now
Together we'll make it through somehow


Fall outs with friends, arguments with parents and fights with siblings. Who doesn’t have them? I just add a few more into the mix. Failing at school, detentions and extra arguments. I can handle them all. Get a tutor to take up time but keep failing. Don’t turn up at detention and keep the arguments going as long as possible. It’s all things that people do so why would they highlight me doing it?

I need you to know
I'm not through the night


The scales are dropping but the mirror is ignoring the facts. I feel as if I’m in one of those fun houses at children’s carnivals with the distorting mirrors. I look fatter in the mirror each day. I can’t stand this rubbish. I’m losing weight. I’m getting thinner. Unless the scales are broken. Then I’m screwed. What if I’ve been gaining weight but the scales say I’m losing it?

Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know


Who would rather be skinny than be fat? I would. Obviously. I’m getting lighter. Three pounds away from my goal weight, tomorrow I will be there. If not by tonight. I think I can do it tonight. If I don’t do my homework it’ll go down. I’ll exercise instead. No wonder I’m failing.

That we'll be OK
Together we can make it through another day


So really, I’m myself. My friends only ever go out to eat some random rubbish, which I say no to. My family eat out every time they’re out so I don’t go with them. I stay at home and exercise. Day in, day out. Why do they always have to stuff their faces?

I must lose weight. I must be happy.



A/N: What do you think? This is the first story I’ve wrote about a very serious issue, anorexia which causes many deaths every year world wide.




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