Chapter 14 : The Saddest Girl
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There was a time in Nymphadora’s life when she felt it was impossible to wake up. The morning would come and she would literally fight it. She couldn’t get herself out of bed because it was just too painful. Her mother would tell her that the ultimate test of life was to endure… and she must endure even if she felt like she couldn’t. It was the worst sort of pain imaginable… separation. She couldn’t handle it… it was unnatural. She felt like her soul had been untimely ripped from her body and was wondering the heavens, searching for him. Her life was over… her body was dead. Why was god so cruel to leave her without him… there was no living after Remus… he was her life.
She would spend the afternoon under her covers with her curtains drawn together. She couldn’t stand the sunshine… she felt like it was mocking her. She could only draw them apart when it was night… so she could look outside and see how everything was dark, cold and solitary… just as she felt.
Her mother provided little comfort. She did not want to endure… she wanted to expire, like he had. “Why am I being punished?” she asked her one afternoon as the sun was about to go down.
Her features, so identical to the woman who tried to kill her turned into an ironic smile. “You think it is punishment to be given a chance to know your son.”
“No… I… but I miss him so much mum.”
“Look around you Nymphadora… all over the faces are strained… we have all seen death… we have all felt it. There are times when I feel like living is impossible…you don’t think I loved your father as much as you loved Remus… But I can’t be defeated; I can’t walk around feeling sorry for myself. The truth is I have a daughter who survived against all odds… So I won’t hear about this anymore… living is not a punishment… it’s a gift.
She felt selfish, absolutely selfish. How could she not see that her situation was not unique? How could she not see an example in front of her eyes? It wasn’t right that she should lay in bed refusing to accept life and the world. It was selfish… and anytime she would think about going back into her shell she would remind herself that she was not allowed to be selfish like that.
“I must not be selfish,” she said to herself. She walked up the stairs slowly… reminding herself. She almost did not have the courage to get out of bed. How could she explain it to him… how could she justify her recklessness to a man in his condition. There was nothing she could say. She spoke to the doctors; she knew what the best case scenario was. She knew that the best was not enough. He should be whole and complete… like she found him.
She came to the landing and stood in the doorway. He laid in the bed with his face looking at the ceiling. She gave a slight knock on the door and walked into the room. He sat up slowly when he saw that it was her. She tried to smile even though she felt like crying. “Hello,” she said, and she rested a bouquet of flowers on his side table, like that would have done anything for him.
“Where am I,” he said and she could tell from his tone that he was frustrated. “They say it’s St. Mugo’s, I never heard of it.”
“It’s a special type of hospital in England… they know how to fix… the problems you have.”
“She was…” he said then before he could finish the sentence he got a chilling look in his eyes and turned his attention to the flowers on the table. “I haven’t seen Natalie… can you tell me where she is…”
“She’s at my place… she’s not well yet.”
He turned his face to her quickly. “What happened to her?” he asked and he was already out the bed putting on bedroom slippers.
“Robert relax… she fine… just a little shaken that all. She said that you saved her… that she intended it for her…”
“Robert sat on the bed with his back towards Tonks. He hunched over and sighed. “She didn’t touch her?”
Tonks shook her head even though she knew he couldn’t see her. “She’s fine… she didn’t touch a hair on her head.”
He nodded assured. “Molly, he said. “Why are there no mirrors in this room? I would like to have a mirror.”
She shifted from one foot to the other. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
He turned to her. “I have fingers… I can feel its bad… I need to know how bad it is.”
She felt like this was punishment… like she was being forced to show a man the horrible damage she had inflicted on him. But again she thought to herself that she must not be selfish, that it was his right to see his own face, even if it was painful to her.
She dug in her hand bag and fished out a little mirror she carried on her. She handed it to him and he brought it in front of his face. His eyes ran over the long deep red scar that ran down his forehead and strait down his neck. His eyes spotted the skin that looked like crinkled paper on his chest. He brought down the robe and ran his fingers slowly over it. He brought the mirror back up to his face… looking at it… as if trying to get use to the ghastly gush spit his into two halves. “I can’t feel this side of my face,” he said, touching the right side “When I drink water… I have to drink from a straw.” He rests the mirror back on the bed and kept his back turn to her. “It hurts to walk… I limped from here to the window this morning… and I now I see how fucked my face is. I guess I can say it’s over. Who would want me like this?”
She had never heard Robert swear before. The words sounded odd coming out of his lips. She knew he was angry. He had every right to be angry. He should have been cursing her for leaving him with her, knowing she was dangerous but he wasn’t. He was angry but he didn’t take it out on her.
Tonks took up the mirror and walked to the front of him. He held it out to him for him to take. He took it in his hands questioningly. She took out her wand and pointed at it. She let the little mirror disintegrate into millions of grains of sand.
He looked up at her… confused… fear and amazement all in one. “How…why?”
She shrugged. “I always had a problem with mirrors myself. Why is it that people tell you that if you want to see yourself you should look in a mirror? It’s a load of bullocks if you ask me. A mirror doesn’t show your soul” she reached took her hand and pressed it against his heart. “You see you can’t just look in a mirror and see a soul… you have to discover it… and only people who are truly worth it take the time to discover it. I know you have no worries Robert because you have one of the best souls imaginable.”
“Is that enough?” he asked. “Would you be with a man who less than whole?” he asked.
She sat on the bed next to him and sighed… then she laughed.
“You see, no one would… so as much as you would like to believe it is the soul that matters at the end of the day… you need to be able to accept the body as well.”
“Robert… if you only knew my first husband.”
“Did he have scars like this?”
She nodded. “All on his back… his face his chest…. I have a picture of him, I’ll show you.”
She dug in her bag and took out her wallet. In it had a picture of Remus holding Teddy… he was waving at the camera.
Robert took the picture and examined it. “It’s moving,” he said.
“All pictures here move…”
“Why does that baby have blue hair… wait it’s green now.”
“He’s just like his mum see.” Robert looked at her with a brow raised. She passed her hand through her hair and turned it pink as her fingers passed.
His eyes went wide. “You’re quite scary… but in a good way.” He looked back at the picture and this time focused on Remus. “What happened to him… did someone do the same thing to him?”
She shook her head. “No… he did that to himself.” He was understandably confused. “He was a werewolf.”
She nodded. “A werewolf… so you see… I know a bit about so called broken men… I still loved the hell out of him.”
“A werewolf?” he said again.
She nodded and laughed. “You’re worst than Severus… he teases me about it sometimes.”
He handed her back the picture and sighed. “When can I see Natalie?” he asked. “Does she know… how I look?”
She nodded. “Yeah… she was here yesterday but the environment was just too much for her… So I took to my place, it’s a more controlled environment.”
“What did she say when she saw me?” he asked casually.
Tonks thought back. Did Natalie actually say anything? She just sat by the bed and stared at him… wide eyed as if possessed. “No, she didn’t say anything actually.”
“What was her face like… did she frown?”
“Um No… she just stared at you.”
“Was it a wide eyed stare or did her eyes look all over?”
He nodded and mumbled to himself. “She was thinking… Did she say what she was thinking about?”
She shook her head and saw a disappointed look fall on Roberts face. She remembered the first time she woke up from her shock in the very same Hospital… the very first person she asked for was Remus… she asked for him whole day until someone had the courage to tell her he had died. The very first person Robert wanted to see… the only person he was concerned about was Natalie. “Is she the one Robert… the one you’re concerned about?” she asked in a whisper.
He remained quiet for a moment. He didn’t need to say anything, his silence said it all.
“If that’s the case… then I’ll bring her to you.”
He whispered. “Please do.”
A/N: So here we go… I had this sitting in my documents for ages.
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