Chapter 1 : Chapter 1- The first and last
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A tall pale man with a face like a snake is at the lead. He has red eyes and a nose similar to Michael Jackson's. He takes a seat at a chair labeled “Voldemort.”
A stringy orange haired man follows. He has a plethora of freckles, and a nervous look on his face. He takes a seat in a chair labeled “Cho Chang,” farthest from Voldemort.
A beautiful young Chinese woman comes through the door. Her almond shaped eyes gaze around at the labels on the chairs.
“Weasley, you're in my spot!” She says nastily to the orange haired man.
“Yeah, but mine is next to You-Know-Who!” Weasley complains, pointing to the snake-like man. The woman, who is apparently the real Cho Chang, rolls her eyes.
“Don't be such a baby.” Cho uproots Weasley from his spot by pulling the chair out from under him. Grumbling, he takes his seat next to Voldemort, while Cho takes hers.
Then, a fully fledged pirate walks through the door. He has a long shaggy black beard, and a patch over his left eye. He is wearing a tattered red coat and a black hat with a skull and crossbones. One of his legs has been replaced by a wooden one. He sits down in a chair labeled “Pirate,” next to Cho. He tries to put his arm around her shoulder, but she slaps him sharply and turns the other way.
Next comes a man with white blond hair and a smirk across his face. Without a word, he flounces over to a chair labeled “Draco Malfoy,” which is in between Don and Voldemort.
Then a teen dressed in sluttish clothes enters with what appears to be her boyfriend. He sits down in a chair labeled “Lily Potter,” and she sits in his lap. The white haired man named Draco suddenly shoots up. He stares furiously at the boy.
“What are you doing here Scorpius?” asked Draco, his voice sounding oddly like a valley girl. “I mean like, that's totally not cool of you, yah know!”
“Yeah, whatever dad.” says the teenage boy. He has a low voice. “I'm here with Lily.” Draco rolls his eyes and sits back down.
“So.” says Don in a monotone. “Welcome to the 'We Hate Harry Potter' club. Now that we're all here, how about some introductions. I'll go first.” He clears his throat. “I'm Don.”
“Hi Don.” said the group.
“And I hate Harry Potter.” He finishes. The group cheers. “When introducing yourselves, please give us some background about why you hate Harry Potter.” The group nods in understanding.
“Who wants to go first?” Don asks with absolutely no expression in his voice. Voldemort raises his hand.
“Hi Voldemort,” choruses the group.
“And I hate Harry Potter. You see, I have very good reason too. Not many people know this, but we used to be mortal enemies.” Everybody rolls their eyes at this statement. “Potter would never let me kill him. Not even once!” Voldemort is starting to tear up. “I mean, all of those well thought out plans? RUINED!” He screams this last part and everyone jumps. Voldemort is sobbing; his voice breaking. “God what a waste of time that kid was!”
“How very touching.” drones Don. “Now who's next?” The orange haired man puts his hand up.
“My name is Ron Weasley.”
“I hate Harry Potter. Back in our school years we were best friends; I know. He always overshadowed me! It was always Harry this, or Harry that! It was never about ME!” Ron is red in the face. “And then that son of a bitch ran off and married my sister!” The group mutters amongst themselves, some shaking their heads. Lily and Scorpius pay no attention, and continue to make out.
“Who would like to be next?” Don asks. Cho raises her hand quietly.
“My name is Cho.” she said softly.
“And I hate Harry Potter.” She takes a deep breath. “We went out once. He broke my frickin' heart! It turns out, he only liked this ugly girl name Hermione!”
“That's my wife you're talking about!” shouts Ron.
“So sorry.” says Cho in a voice implying that she isn't sorry at all.
“Yeah right.” Ron mutters. They stare at each other in hatred.
“Children, let's behave.” says Don. “Does anyone want to go next?”
“Aye aye, matey.” says the Pirate. “Shiver me timbers! Off the plank with ye!”
“Is there anything important that you have to say?” Asks Don in his boring voice. The pirate looks down at his shoes in embarrassment.
“Alright.” said Don. “Who would --” He is interrupted by Draco Malfoy raising his hand as high as it will go, and bouncing in his seat.
“Ooh, pick me!” begs Draco. “Pick me! Pleeeeaaaaasssseee!”
“Alright, you.” says Don.
“Eeeeee!” squeals Draco. “Okay so my name is like totally Draco, and stuff!”
“And OMG I like totally hate Harry Potter!” He shrieks in his annoying girl voice.
“Why do you hate him Draco?” prompts Don.
“Okay, well he was like 'whatever', and then I was like 'whatever!' And he was like 'Oh no you didn't!' And then I was like 'Oh yes I did!'” Draco takes several breaths in quick succession. “And then I was like --” Don interrupts him.
“Who wants to be next?” No one raises they're hand. “you're the only one left Lily.” Lily raises her eyebrows.
“Fine.” She clears her throat. “I'm Lily Ginevra Potter.”
“And I hate Harry Potter. He's my dad. And who doesn't hate their dad? I mean, he doesn't approve of my boyfriends, and he doesn't let me stay out past nine thirty!” I mean, that is sooo unfair!” She pouts.
“Ok, so now that we have all met each other,” says Don, “Lets play a game!” Don takes out a full body poster of Harry Potter and tacks it to the wall. He passes around darts. Ron is the first to catch on. He aims, then throws. The dart ends up in Harry's you-know-where.
“That's gotta hurt.” says Cho. “My turn!” She squints her eyes in concentration. The dart lands in his chest. “Ha!” she yells. “I've got him in the heart, where he got me!”
“No more darts for you, young lady.” says Don.
“My turn, move it.” says Voldemort. He takes aim and misses completely. He tries again. The dart ends up four feet from the poster.
“Damn him! He even defeats me in portrait form!” Voldemort cries.
The pirate sticks the dart in his one good eye,and runs around the room screaming, to many peoples amusement. Draco walks up to the poster and starts stabbing holes in it with his dart. Lily and Scorpius start making out again.
“Young man,” says Don to Scorpius. “Young man, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.”
“You can't make him leave!” wails Lily.
“Actually I can.” says Don calmly, smiling.
“Fine! Come Scorpius, we're going.” says Lily quite snobbishly, and they both leave. Lily is sure to slam the door.
“Now, onto our next order of business,” says Don, his voice changing suddenly to pure malice. “We're going to find and kill Harry Potter.”
“Whay?!” says the group, except for Voldemort who cries “Yes!”, and the pirtate who is still trying to get the dart out of his eye.
Oh yes.” says Don, his eyes shining. “We hunt him down and make him pay.”
“You're crazy.” says Cho as she turns to leave.
“Lunatic.” says Ron, following her.
“Like OMG you're a total psycho!” accuses Draco drammatically as he leaves too.
“I guess it's just us then!” says Voldemort gleefully.
“Just us... and the pirate.” Don's voice trails off. “We will revenge ourselves against him, and all those who ever supported him!”
The two engage themselves in maniacle laughter. The pirate fianally manages to pull the dart out of his eye and bleeds to death.