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Harry Potter and the Endless Cliché:
The NEXT Generation!
The Hogwarts Express left the station, its exterior as bright and red as all of the shy First Years’ cheeks. Albus Severus Potter walked through the compartments like a fearful, tiny spider, wondering why the author insists on using such terrible similes. Oh well, he thought, this kind of prose probably shows up in quite a lot of these stories, along with bad grAmmar and speling.
At last, he found a compartment occupied by a few first years, including his lovely cousin: Ms. Rose Weasley. They greeted him and Albus sat down happily.
“Okay Albus,” said Rose, “let’s get down to business. Like my formerly-bushy-haired-but-now-beautiful-after-her-trip-to-America-and-makeover mother, I’ve done some extremely nerdy and irritating preparations for our goals at Hogwarts, as seen in most of these loosely drawn stories. The biggest thing that we must accomplish is act exactly as our parents did. There can’t be any new or original plot material. This should read just like a poorly-written Sorcerer’s Stone with different names. Therefore, I must be a bushy-haired brainy freak, and Albus, you must save the world from Voldemort’s successor.”
“That ties in with our very next point. We must make sure we meet every single child of all of the original characters. They will all have completely ridiculous names, so you’ll know them right off the bat. Voldemort’s successor happens to be his son with Bellatrix. Voldy Jr. is currently on the loose, so Albus, you’ll have to get on that.”
“Next, it’s important…”
“Hold up,” said Albus sickeningly, “if you have to act like your parents, does that mean that you… and Hugo…”
“No! No! Goodness no, Albus! I’ve actually decided to use some discretionary authority here and I will be falling in love with Scorpius Malfoy. I mean, it certainly isn’t new material or anything…”
Just then, short little first-year Scorpius Malfoy burst into the compartment, wand raised. He had blond hair and silver…well he basically looked exactly like Draco. Duh!
“Actually, it’s Weasley,” piped Rose.
“Whatever. May I introduce you to my goon-like sidekicks Broomtoad Crabbe, son of Vincent Crabbe and Daphne Greengrass, and Galoshes Goyle, son of Gregory Goyle and Amarillis Diana Caribbean Gardenia. I hope you like their names, which are supposed to sound quite sinister.
“Well I’m not sure about Galoshes—” muttered Albus, but he was soon cut off.
“Now, Albus, I am going to give you a choice. Either choose to be friends with these losers, or become friends with successful, sexy, rich, me.”
Albus was faced with the biggest decision of his so-far short life. He turned to Rose, who shook her head.
“Don’t you remember the first book?” she hissed.
“Oh yeah!” said Albus. “Scorpius, I think I can choose my own friends.”
“What?” replied the shocked Malfoy. “How could you possibly say that? I’m so surprised! Like, how could I possibly have forseen this? I’m going to sulk off now.” With that, he and his oddly-named goons left.
“Shouldn’t Galoshes get bitten by a rat here?” muttered Albus to himself.
“Oh wow, I can just tell that he’s secretly angsty and sad and beautiful…” said Rose dreamily.
The rest of the train ride was quite uneventful, save for James coming in and causing a little bit of spirited mayhem along with his friends Stenhouse Finch-Fletchley, son of Justin Finch-Fletchly and Padma Patil, and Mary Sue Juno Margarita Venezuela Boot, daughter of Terry Boot and Susan Bones, and. Rose approved, as he was acting quite according to the master plan, until she realized something.
“That girl…her name is…Mary Sue! WATCH OUT, HER POWER IS—”
My name is Mary Sue Juno Margarita Venezuela Boot, but you can call me Mary Sue. My story is one that has been forgotten across the years, strewn across the pages of bad imagery. You may think you know me, but you really don’t. I was separated from my parents at birth during a tragic fire and I was raised in America, where I was extremely beautiful, clever, and kind, but always friendless. However, I persevered through my sad life and angst and found out I was secretly a witch who was meant to attend Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Then, I met my true parents, who informed me of my true powers and let me know that I was destined to save the world. But now, my world is falling apart. I find myself enamored with James Potter, the most beautiful boy I’ve ever known. Before, we were just friends, but my new feelings are bursting. Now is my time to shine, this is my story, this is—
A jet of red light flew out of Rose’s wand and Mary Sue was zapped and suddenly disappeared.
“Hey, where’d she go?” asked James.
“I banished her back to the Mauraders era, where she truly belongs,” said Rose, rolling her eyes. “Let’s hope we don’t encounter another one of those again…”
A bit after the sweets lady (who was now quite elderly) came through, Albus and Rose got their robes on and prepared for Hogwarts. They were in awe at how large the castle was, and followed the equally large (and also quite elderly) Hagrid who guided the First Years to the boats that took them across the lake. Next was sorting, and though some kids were very nervous, Albus and Rose and the other kids of first generation characters were not, as there was no question that all of them would end up in the same houses as their parents. Some conflicts for the Sorting Hat, however, arose when kids with parents of different houses (such as Carbonator Turpentine Abbott-Longbottom and Julius Caesar Salad Bones) and in those cases, the hat just guessed, as usual. Of course, Rose and Albus ended up in Gryffindor and Scorpius in Slytherin.
“Oh my gosh, I can’t believe I have to fall in love with a Slytherin,” lamented Rose as she and Albus sat down for some Yorkshire pudding, “All Slytherins are evil!”
“Wait, you said you couldn’t believe?”
“Well, duh, of course I saw this coming. It’s an expression, silly!”
At that point, Professor McGonnogall sat up and introduced the teaching staff: Professor Longbottom would be teaching Herbology, Professor Hestia Jones will be teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts with her lovely teaching assistant Teddy Lupin, Prosessor Nott will be teaching Potions, Professor Lovegood will be teaching Charms, and Professor Finnegan will be teaching Transfiguration. She also announced that those wishing to try out for Quidditch teams should see their House heads, along with noting that First Years will receive flying lessons from Professor Wood.
“Um, I think I recognize all of these names,” noted Albus.
“Me too,” added Rose, “They teach here in order to bring around new drama with old characters. After all, authors of these types of stories have very little creative sense whatsoever.”
“Now Albus, you must try out for the House Quidditch team. It’s true that they haven’t had any First Year seekers since your father, but I’m completely positive that you’ve inherited his flying ability even though you’ve never set foot on a broom.”
Rose was correct in her assumption, and Albus became Gryffindor’s brand new star seeker. Rose herself immediately went to becoming top of each of her classes (except Potions), creating a rivalry like no other between her and Scorpius. However, each day in the common room, she’d babble about how dreamy he looks at all times. It drove Albus quite insane, and he kept his secret crush (Ulla Chang) to himself.
About three weeks into the year, Rose remembered that the pair had to be on the lookout for Voldemort’s son, who would probably be in Hogwarts somewhere, waiting to challenge Albus. The two went to the library to do a little bit of research, when they discovered the existence of the rare jewel known as the Scientist’s Stone.
“Are you kidding me?” said Albus, exasperated. “This is completely ridiculous! The next thing you’re going to tell me is that it’s located on the third-floor corridor behind—”
“—a three-headed dog, yes, that’s what it says in here,” said Rose, pointing to the text in the book. “However, I’m sure that if we can get some sort of musical instrument, we’ll be able to get past. However, before the big climactic moment of the story, I need to go find a certain someone…”
Rose headed down to the dark alcoves of the dungeon, where her lover would surely be brooding in an angsty manner. She knew that behind the façade, he had a deep and passionate soul, one that would certainly open up to her love. Soon, she located him, sitting in a corner. But before she could begin, he turned to stare at her with those beautiful silver eyes of his. He was a splitting image of Draco!
“Oh, Rose, staring at you with my beautiful silver eyes, I must tell you that behind my façade, I have a deep and passionate soul, one that will surely open up to your love,” said Scorpius.
OMFG!! Rose couldn’t believe what she was hearing! “Scorpius…I…I had no idea! I…I love you too!”
“Kiss me, Rose!”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Rose stepped back a bit. “This is going a bit too fast. We’re only First Years here; we don’t want to rush ourselves. We’ll start the kissing next year.”
“Oh, the angst-ridden agony,” moaned Scorpius to himself. Rose sighed, blew him a kiss, and went back to where Albus was waiting, up at the third floor corridor.
“Well,” said Albus, “it’s now or never.”
“Quite true,” replied Rose. “If you wait too long now, you’ll be rushing yourself once the Chamber of Secrets reopens again…”
The two made their way into Fluffy’s lair and Albus quickly playing a soothing tune on her bassoon. Next, they fell into a pit of flesh-eating plants which Rose combated with a flesh-eating-plant-destroyer spell…of course. Next, Albus caught a flying key to open the next door, and Rose witted the two through a game of gigantic magical Monopoly to get through the following door. However, the two had to separate when they saw that the final door was enchanted to only allow one person in.
“Hm, now I wonder which one of us should go,” muttered Albus sarcastically.
“Oh Albus, be serious here,” replied Rose, nearly in tears. “This is our big moment where we get as close to being romantic as possible just to give the Rose/Albus shippers a little glimmer of hope that one day,we might hook up in the future!”
“Wait, but aren’t you my cousin? Because if Ginny’s my mum and Ron’s your dad…”
“Oh dear, you’re right. Well, I guess a friendly non-incestuous hug will do.” And with that note, Rose turned around and left the dungeons. Albus pushed open the handle and walked inside of the brightly-lit chamber.
A mirror sat in the middle of the chamber, with some strange engraving atop it. Albus obviously hadn’t read the first book thoroughly enough, so he had no idea that it was the Mirror of Erised and was quite shocked when he saw his reflection do a little tap dance for him.
“I don’t know how to tap dance!” said Albus. “But oh, it’s my fondest wish to learn…”
“Silence, fool!” Albus gasped and turned around to see the speaker: a tall snakelike figure dressed in a black cloak. “My name is Voldy Jr. and I have waited nineteen years for you to come here and fetch me the Scientist’s Stone!”
“What do you want it for?” asked Albus.
“Uhm…well…that’s not the point!” yelled Voldy Jr. “The stone is in the mirror and I can’t get it out!”
“Wait, wait, it’s in the mirror?” Albus thought that this villain had been cooped up in this chamber a little too long.
“Of course, you imbecile, didn’t you read the first book?”
“Well the first chapter was so boring so…”
“Silence! Now look in the mirror…”
Albus obeyed and, to his dismay, the image of his beautiful tap-dancing feet disappeared and a new image came up. It was…him and Ulla Chang!
“Wait, that’s not right,” muttered Voldy Jr. “Let me check and make sure this thing’s on the right setting.” At that moment, Albus whipped out his wand and yelled some random curse that blew Voldy Jr. to smithereens, because all First Years certainly have such power. With that, Albus anticlimactically turned around and made his way back up to the third floor, where he found Rose and the rest of the school cheering for him.
Then, as if by magic, it became the end of the year and Albus earned Gryffindor 9826 house points, earning the House Cup. He was also awarded Order of Merlin, First Class, and a bunch of other ridiculous awards made up by the author. In the end, he, Rose, and the rest of the ridiculously-named next generation children lived happily ever after.
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