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Stars, Boggarts, and Extreme Matchmaking by VioletMarauder
Chapter 5 : Harry Equals Sex Appeal
Rating: 15+Chapter Reviews: 4

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Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Even this computer.

Ch. 5 Harry Equals Sex Appeal


The five of them walked solemnly to the drawing room. Though Elle was extremely worried about her wellbeing and that of those around her, she still could not help admiring the décor around her. Malfoy Manor had black and white checkerboard tile floors and dark green walls with silver accents. Though it oozed Slytherin, it still had a certain beauty to it. She was so consumed in examining the artwork that she didn’t notice when they reached their destination. As they entered the room, her gaze turned upward and she saw the massive chandelier that Dobby had dropped. Her gaze was brought back to earth by Theo nudging her in the ribs.


‘Bow.’ He mouthed, as he and the other three bowed low to the southern end of the room. Elle hurriedly bowed then glanced up to see what they were bowing at. Her jaw dropped.


Upon a plush chair sat perhaps the most evil looking thing that she had ever seen in her entire life. Lord Voldemort practically oozed evil. He was just so wrong and terrible that she felt uncomfortable looking at him. Her mind flashed back to her readings of Voldemort and his life, from when he had been a dashing young man to the thing he was now. And her eyes immediately began to fill with tears.


“Why are you crying, subject?”


Elle couldn’t take. He had to know. “Because you used to be so damn sexy, yet you threw it all away for immortality.” There was a long silence; the only sounds were her sobs of despair. Finally, he spoke. “What?”


“When you were younger. And went by a different name, but I won’t say it now or you’d probably kill me. Actually, there’s no probably about it, you would. Let’s just say that you were quite the riddle. Hah, hah. Puns always make me feel better.” Elle gave a watery chuckle and sighed. “So, Voldemort. My name is Estelle Willows. I would tell you to call me Elle, but I highly doubt that you actually would. I’m from Seattle, Washington, America. And I’m a Libra, though I don’t quite know how that applies in this situation. And-“


“You dare to speak the Dark Lord’s name?” a woman who looked like she had just gotten out of mental rehab screeched.


“Bellatrix, I presume?” Elle said with as much disdain as she could muster. “So what if I call him by his name? I mean, if you change your name, it’s for the purpose that people will call you that instead of your real name. So if you don’t want people to call you by your new name, change it. Plus, who’d want to be known as ‘Voldemort’. I mean, ‘flight from death’ in French I think.” She looked to Voldemort who nodded in confirmation. “If you’re going to name yourself something complicated that people half to look up on the internet just to know what it means, at least use Latin or Greek, considering most spells use those roots. Anyway to business.”


She contemplated the creepy old man in front of her for a few second. “Voldemort, can I ask you a question?” Again, he just curtly nodded. “Is it world domination you want? Blood superiority? Muggles as slaves?”


“All of the above.” He said with a cold smile.


“Well then, let me give you some advice. Change your tactics!”


“What are you talking about?”


“Think about it. You’re a symbol of fear, so people will just join you because they’re afraid. Sure, it’s great for a short while, but those aren’t true followers. True followers are people who will follow you because they agree with you whole-heartedly and will never deviate from being loyal to you. Sure, you have Bellatrix, but let’s face it, she’s a bit odd. And to get said followers, you either have to either a.) appeal to the crowd b.) get an awesome mascot or c.) both. C.) is the best option. And your opposing side just happens to have it. They appeal because they aren’t killing people and their mascot is Harry Potter.”


“Hah! That blubbering boy who is so weak-“


“And so incredibly sexy! And unbearably wonderful! Who cares if he’s weak? It shows that he’s at least a bit human! He appeals to the young crowd because he’s a cool sex bomb and he appeals to the older crowd because he’s sweet, polite, and sincere. The only crowd that he doesn’t appeal to is your faithful crowd. And let’s face it Voldy…mort, your faithful crowd is pretty slim.”


Outrage broke out among the followers. “My Lord,” a particularly large man offered. “Allow me to get rid of this girl.” Elle was surprised at how young he was. “I’m sure I can make some use of her.” He leered at Elle as he took a step forward. Elle felt Theo tense beside her. But Voldemort broke the tension.


“Enough.” It was said softly but with enough venom to poison an army. “I would have thought better of you Flint-”


“Marcus?” Elle whispered to Draco. He nodded, and then sent a wary glance to Theo, who was almost tangibly fuming to her right.


“-you do not disrupt a meeting unless it is of utmost importance.” Flint was silent. “Continue, Willows.”


“And another thing. They’ve got Dumbledore-“


“-the old fool-“


“Yeah, he’s an old fool…who people love! Even in America, he’s a hit. Young people love him, think about it. He’s got the ex-rock star look, hilarious comments, lemon drops galore, and he’s gay. I mean, how can you compete with that?”


There was a general silence to what she said. Finally, Pansy broke it. “Dumbledore’s gay?”


“Yeah, you didn’t know?”


“No! Was he ever in love?” Elle could tell immediately that this was the juiciest bit of gossip in…ever.


“Of course he was in love! Oh my god, I have to tell you about it, it was that saddest story ever. So basically, once he was a take over the world maniac like Voldemort and he fell in love with his partner in crime. But then his siblings got involved and his sister ended up dead. His lover flew the scene and Dumby was heartbroken. But later, they fought and Dumby had to lock him away, isn’t that sad?”


“Oh, that’s heartbreaking.” Pansy said, distraught. “Do you know who the lover was?”


“That’s the best part.” Elle paused dramatically. “It was Grindelwauld.”


“No! Really? That’s amazing!”


“I know! It’s like Brokeback Mountain, but with the wizarding world.”


A slight pause. Then, “What’s Brokeback Mountain?”


“Oh, god, I have to find a way to show it to you! Heath and Jake are so cute together.”


“Oh, I just love a good romance.” Pansy sighed looking wistful. “They’re all I live for.”


“I know.” Elle agreed, enthusiastically. “You have to read the Twilight Series by Stephenie Meyer. Those books make you go weak in the knees; they’re the sweetest thing ever.”


“Really? I have to read them then.”


“ENOUGH!” Voldemort had lost his cool now. He didn’t like to be ignored. “Though I really don’t know (and don’t care) what you two are blathering about, stop so we can get back to business!”


“Okay, okay. Keep your knickers on.”


“That’s rich, Willows. Because of all of the people in here worrying about knickers, it should be you,” Voldemort shot back, eying her up and down. She glanced down at her attire, realizing that she was still wearing a tank top and boxers.


“Urgh! Why do I keep forgetting to put on more clothes? I’ve been tramping around in this thing FOREVER!” She fell to the ground and promptly started to pound her fists against it. “Where’s all of the justice in the world when a girl forgets to cover up?” Suddenly, she felt arms pick her up and hold her against a warm body. “Actually, Elle, I think that you look fantastic.” Theo whispered in her ear. She felt her face turn red as she turned in his embrace to look at him. His eyes burned passionately and they simultaneously leaned in towards each other.


“Anyways, to get back to what you were saying,” a cold voice cut in. The two of them groaned as Theo put her down on the ground. Elle sighed and turned back to the creepy dude.


“What you need is an heir, one to inherit your place, who is nice to look at, and who will appeal to the public.”


Voldemort brooded for a while then snapped to it. “What about young Draco?”


Elle glance at the ferret and he looked terrified, so she decided to step in.


“Can’t. Though he’s already established himself as Harry’s enemy, he’s been way to open about it and now most of the school’s on Harry’s side. He wouldn’t do.” His father glared at her, but Draco sent her a thankful look. Voldemort contemplated.


“What about Blaise here?”


“Nope,” Elle said with a glance towards Blaise who was trembling similar to Draco. “He’s too close to Draco.”




“No, she’s made enemies with Harry’s friend Hermione.”


“What about young Theodore?”


Elle felt a feeling of over-protectiveness like none other. “He would not do because he would disappoint all of the girls because he’s not single. They would automatically hate him.”


Voldemort thought some more. One of his followers stepped forward. “My Lord,” the quiet voice said. “Might I suggest-”


“Quiet, Snape!” he snapped, and then went back to his brooding. Elle’s attention, however, was diverted.

“Snape?” she asked. “Snape-a-doodle?” Elle then did what no one expected. She ran over and hugged the middle-aged potions teacher. Everyone froze in shock. After about half a minute, Elle released him and walked back to her place next to Theo. The rest of the people in the room still stared at her.


“Does this mean I have a romantic rival?” Theo asked half jokingly, but she could see some true curiosity behind it.


“No, you idiot. I could never have a crush on Snape. He is what I aspire to be. He is my idol. But I don’t like him like that.”


“Oh.” Theo seemed satisfied with this answer. Voldemort, whom everyone had forgotten, finally came out of his brooding.


“Well then, Elle. Why don’t you become my heir?”


Uh oh. She hadn’t thought of that. “Um, no. I’m flattered and all, but I’m more of a middle person, just giving advice to both sides. Honestly, I’d as soon give Harry help as you.” As soon as the words came out of her mouth, she realized that they had been a grave mistake.


Voldemort was fuming. “If you don’t join us, you have condemned yourself to death.


“Er, yeah, I was afraid of that. So I really hope this works.”


He was human enough to have to ask. “Hope that what works?”


Elle raised her two hands in front of her. “Bombarda Maxima.”


The blast was catastrophic. Followers and chucks of house collided in infinite majesty as the quintet bolted from the room. “Sorry, Snape!” Elle called behind her back. “I still love you! Not in that way.” She added as she saw Theo staring at her oddly as they ran back to Draco’s room. Elle threw everything into her suitcase as Draco threw a few things into a bag of his. She grabbed her glasses, thankful that she had not had to see Voldemort with clear vision, and grabbed her suitcase and motioned for the rest of them to come to her.


“Draco, give a random object that you don’t want.” He looked around and threw her a mother-of-pearl hair comp. “Portus,” she muttered and breathed a sigh of relief when it glowed blue. “Grab on, everyone!” They all complied. She thought of the intended destination, Number 12, Grimauld Place.


“3…2…1…” Out of nowhere, a hook fixed around her waist and she felt them spinning out of control. After what seemed like eternity, they all fell to the ground with a loud thump. People and luggage strewn everywhere, Elle became aware that she was in a very compromising position, on top of Theo. They stared in each other’s eyes, losing themselves, leaning in.


“Ahem!” For the third time that evening, the two were interrupted and they became aware of their surroundings. The five of them were surrounded by about forty vehement witches and wizards, all of whom had their wands out and pointed at them. Elle was frustrated beyond belief. Why was fate stopping her from kissing this guy? “To hell with interruptions!” she cried and she pressed her lips to Theo’s.

A/N: HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! I'm the master of cliff hangers!!!!!!!!!! Anyway, seriously, though. Everyone read Twilight by Stephenie Meyer! It is something excellent to read while you're waiting for me to update. Please review!

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