AUTHORS NOTE: Yeah, hi again… Don’t kill me, I know it’s been VERY long since last update of new chapter. I’ve been meddling around with this chap for, FOREVER:P And I had actually planned to write the scene at the hairdresser in as well, but decided against it, you guys have waited long enough for the next update:] plus, I really wanted to post SOMETHING:P For those who haven’t looked at this story for a while I suggest you reread the last chapters, I’ve made some changed, added some scenes and deleted some others. The name of the story is changed, yeah:) I dunno, I never really liked the title before, the first chapter was written quite all of a sudden, starting out as a – well just something I wanted to write for the sake of getting it down on paper. And then I just really wanted to post it, but there wasn’t even a real plot to be honest, so I just scribbled something down. But now, now I’ve got something! I’ve got a plot, well somewhat:P and I’ve got scenes and ideas and it’s going all right. Yeah..
Well, this is just me rambling on, do enjoy…
Chapter Three: Variety is the spice of life
I had always been Daddy’s girl, I had liked playing with boys; a down-right tomboy. And never a girly-girl, never, that’ll be over my dead body; I’d rather die!
I had been the boy Dad never had had and I had loved my daddy dearly, loved him beyond anything. He was my daddy, my daddy who would take care of everything. There wasn’t a thing he couldn’t fix; he was strong and powerful and my hero, my daddy the best one in the world, he was unbeatable - or so I had thought.
They say that there’s a thirty percent change you’ll live more than two years if diagnosed with cancer, he lasted one. It had been August when he died, the summer had been magnificent and he had exclaimed how wonderful life was, what a brilliant season summer was to die in. Mum had hated him for joking about his own death; I had loved him for it. That summer wasn’t very happy but it was special, so unbelievably special; Dad had been too sick to go anywhere. We had planned the year before to leave for Cornwall but then Dad was told he had leukaemia and it had changed everything.
The treatments were hard on him and he had slept most of the time, the nurses could our names in the end and the hospital became our second home. He had stubbornly demanded that life would go on as normal, so we had continued school and Mum had continued her work. The number of times I had argued and begged to get to sleep by his side at nights were countless and all of them had ended the same way: with me screamingly being carried away from my dying daddy’s bed.
He was the bravest person I knew; he hadn’t been afraid of death even as it stared him right in the eyes- well maybe he had but I had believed he wasn’t and that did it for me. And his green warm sincere eyes never left me, they had kept their sparkle all the way until the end even as he took his last breath.
I had been ten. A month after his death I had received my letter and he hadn’t lived to see me enter Hogwarts. My sister always said that I had left when things were getting hard and crappy and she was right; the letter had been my light at the end of the tunnel, the one that made me get through the year somewhat successful. And then I had gladly boarded the Hogwarts Express September 1st, not knowing what I should expect, not knowing what all of it meant. Not realising how crucial my decision was for the rest of the life I was going to lead. And the year passed and I moved on; I forgot about the chaos that ruled at home, forgot about nights of listening to my mothers soulful cries, forgot about my sister I had left at home, the sister I had promised an eternal friendship to. And when I returned, after one year of forgetting, everything was different; my beloved sister was an artificial bitch and my mother had found herself a boyfriend, his name had been Glen, Glen Sanderson, which should have ticked me off from the start but it didn’t, somehow it didn’t.
And I missed him, among other things in life, him being the most important one. I missed his cuttles, his laughter, his smell, the one he had before he practically lived in the hospital. I missed how he’d ruffle my hair when I was being cheeky, I missed his grin when I called him ‘Mr Bald’ after his chemo when he had lost all his hair, I missed his calming voice and I missed him - the whole package, the person I used to call Daddy.
But that package, that person was gone; he had been gone for over eight years now and I really needed to accept the fact that he wasn’t ever coming back, I needed to forget completely and live my life.
I sighed and picked up my brush and brushed my red locks furiously, making them go smooth and shiny. I shook my head at my chapped lengths. I really needed a haircut.
“Grace?!” I yelled annoyed, not taking my eyes off my reflection in the new-polished mirror.
“Yeah?” came her tired response from the other side of the black oak door.
I rolled my eyes at her lack of enthusiasm, “could you phone Gerald and tell him I’m in serious need of a haircut and he’s the lucky one who gets to put his hands on my precious hair?”
Grace giggled, “That cute one with the adorable brown eyes and soft darkish hair?”
“Yes...?” I said somewhat puzzled, looking at my reflection, making silly faces to it.
“Oh goodie! I’ll phone him now!” she exclaimed giddily.
“Aren’t you supposed to be the married one?” I grinned bemused.
“Oh shush, I’m stuck with Sirius Black the biggest flirt ever, I’m allowed to look at boys.” Grace dismissed quickly.
I shrugged to my reflection, “All right whatever it’s your choice. I just know James would have beaten the living crap out of Gerald and never spoken to me again if he found out I had done something like that.” My insides turned slightly icy at the mentioning of James, but I ignored it deciding that I really couldn’t stop speaking of him just because we were over.
“Well that’s James for you. Sirius however is quite different; he doesn’t really care if I look at guys as long as I take my fantasies back home to him...” Grace answered.
Bad mental images flooded my mind as I made a retching noise, “Too much information!”
Grace snorted, “Suit yourself, I’m going to floo over to Gerald and get an appointment, I’ll be back in ten minutes.”
“Okay, see you then.” I called starting on my make-up.
After five minutes I had finished my make-up. Straightening up, I regarded my reflection critical. My face had gotten rounder. I held up an arm and shook it, I moaned; my arms were getting wobbly. I always thought people lost weight when they were depressed so naturally I kind of expected to lose weight as well, but no I had to be the one who gained weight.
I walked out of the bathroom, humming. I came to a halt in the living room and smiled to myself; the room was sparkling, every trace of food and garbage was gone leaving a spotless floor.
Grace had evidently gone over every extent to make the room more inviting and make me seem a lot more pulled together than I felt I was. Fresh flowers were on the table, the sour smell that had issued from the room was now gone and replaced by a clean and fresh smell of flowers and cleaning materials.
I walked over to the round white table and touched the white lilies Grace had placed in a vase. I fingered the soft petals of a flower while staring off in space. I used to be the one collecting flowers in the garden just to put them in a vase and position them on the dinner-table. James used to tease me about my continuous habit of always doing that but I loved having fresh flowers.
The silence was settling once again over the house, the dull chokening silence. I hated it but didn’t know what to do about it; nobody left to lighten up the atmosphere, nobody left to make me laugh, nobody left to make me love, to be here - to just be here.
Bitter tears flooded my eyes and I let go of the flower, afraid that I might ruin its beauty. If James had been here he would have made me feel better, then again, if James had been here all of this wouldn’t be happening.
I walked purposeless around the room, trying to figure out what to do. Finally I stopped in font of the big glass doors to the garden. Even here Grace had gotten to; the grass was freshly-cut and the path was visible once again, not covered in weeds and dirt. Even my angel, my marble-statue, was shining brightly in all its whiteness, pointing its arrow off in space. James’ hammock was still there, wet from the morning dew.
And the reasons for him to leave were a blur now, his intentions and arguments were long forgotten and all that remained was the fact that he left. He left and everything else stopped mattering.
Our arguments had always been big and frequent, I disagreed with him on everything and nothing, he was careless I was punctual. He was boisterous, I was calm. He was nothing like the man I needed, but he was what I wanted.
I rested my head against the cool surface of the window, letting the tears fall. The last argument really hadn’t been all that different; it had been about something somewhat trivial as always but had been blown up to something very significant as we always did. But the ending; the ending had been different, we would usually end up snogging as always, discarding clothes as we made our way to the bedroom whispering sorry’s in-between kisses.
And make-up-sex was great, almost better than angry or sad sex. And God knows we had had every kind of moody sex there was.
But we hadn’t ended up in bed, he had walked away, packed his few necessaries and left.
Staying safe. The argument had been about staying safe.
“I HATE YOU!!!” I screamed, my voice cracking at the high notes. I was breathing heavily my face flushed the blood pounding in my head, he was in for it, he was pissing me off, he was an ass-hole. A God-damn, mother-fucking, shit-eating arsehole and all other words I could think of.
I waited a few seconds for one of his sarcastic responds but nothing came. The silence greeted me, leaving me in doubt whether or not he was hurt. Whether I had lost control, so much that I had hurt him.
“J-James?” my voice quivered as I peaked around the door to see where he was. Nothing.
I walked out into the living-room and scanned it for anything; his familiar face, his dead tortured corpse or even worse; Death Eaters.
“J-James??!!” I called carefully, fear crippling through my body petrifying me turning me cold and sick with worry.
I rushed through the doors to the hall-way looking around in alarm. “Oh God James… James where are you!!”
“Shhh, Lily, I’m here.” I snapped around and relaxed as relief flooded me upon seeing those familiar hazel eyes staring into mine. He was standing nonchalant in the door-way from the room I had just left from.
“Thank God!” I jumped into his arms sobbing. “God James, I thought you were gone! Gods, I’m so sorry for all the stupid things I said, James, I’m so sorry…“
His arms seemed to hesitate a bit before they hugged me back, stroking my back and holding me in a firm embrace. I looked up to find his eyes staring softly down at me, I smiled shyly, “James you’re staring.” His gaze shifted slightly and met my eyes.
His eyes never left my face as he murmured, “Sorry Lily, you’re just so beautiful you know that?”
I smiled at him and kissed him tenderly on his rosy lips, “Thank you.”
He didn’t smile back at me though. “I’m sorry.” he whispered fervently.
Suddenly he captured my lips in a mind-blowing kiss and all the questions that had arisen at his previous statement were wiped from my mind. His lips worked furiously, almost desperately against mine. His hand rested on my jaw, thumb on my cheek, pulling me closer to his warm bulky body. He deepened the kiss and his tongue snaked past my lips, finding mine, caressing, massaging. A hand was drawing lazy circles on the middle of my back, my knees were weak, threatening to buckle. I threw my arms around his neck in an attempt to keep standing, he pulled me even closer to his body if possible. Everywhere our bodies touched I burned, I could hear the blood pounding in my veins, higher and higher, and then - suddenly he stopped.
Pulling back and hovering just millimetres above my lips, he looked me in the eyes, sinking slightly.
“I’m sorry.” he whispered again his breath tickling my skin. And then he let go of me. In two strides he was at the door, he turned one last time.
“I really am sorry Lily.” his voice was hoarse, trembling slightly.
I seemed to snap out of my daze and realise what was happening. “W-what? James?!” I was in front of him in two second. He was looking down, avoiding my scrutinising stare.
I put my arms on his hunched shoulders, “James?” my voice was weak and still hoarse from our previous kiss. He wouldn’t look at me. I suddenly noticed he was holding two bags.
“James? Y-you’re leaving me?” I asked softly, my grip on his shoulders tightened slightly hoping beyond hope that this wasn’t happening; this was some sort of dream, a nightmare and soon James would be shaking me awake and hug me up against his perfect body which fitted perfectly with mine and he would kiss me with his soft welcoming full lips. If this was a dream I would like to wake up now.
But I didn’t wake up. And it wasn’t a dream.
He straightened up and met my eyes. He sank, his Adams apple bobbing desperately,
“Yes.” his voice wasn’t above a whisper and I wasn’t even sure I heard it. Tears filled my eyes,
“No…”
“Shh…” his hand came up to my cheek, stroking it softly a few times before pulling me closer for one last kiss. My hands came up to hold him there, lying on top of his, cherishing the feel of his lips on mine. Slowly he pulled away, closing his eyes and just breathing, just breathing. He opened them and met mine and one last time, he softly caressed my lips. I closed my eyes and leaned into his touch, kissing his fingers slowly, painfully holding on to what little composure I still held. It was burning beneath my eye-lids, the tears were threatening to spill, but I did not cry, he wasn’t in any position to see me weak and so exposed. He was leaving me.
And then he let go, kissing me on the forehead. My eyes were closed the whole time, opening first as I heard the front door slam. And then the tears came. And they didn’t ever leave me again after that.
Everything had been so unexpected; he hadn’t been acting different in any way, he had just been his normal old self and then he was gone, without an explanation, without a word.
“You know, I just cleaned those windows?” her drawling voice spoke behind my back. I breathed deeply and straightened up, drying my eyes with my back turned to her,
“Yes.” came my hoarse response. Footsteps neared me and her arms draped themselves around my waist and her head came to rest on my shoulder, her chin against my chin.
She squeezed my waist and whispered quietly, “James isn’t worth it Lily and he would just want you happy.”
Anger surged through my body “H-happy?” I shrugged her off and stepped away, “James would want me happy, Grace?” I asked toneless. Grace’s eyes flickered nervously, she knew she had hit a nerve, knew she had said the wrong thing.
“Lily…” Grace stepped forward again.
“No.”, I held my arms in front of me to protect myself from her, to keep her at a distance.
She bit her lip, “Lily, you don’t under-“
“No, I think it’s you who don’t understand Grace,” I cut her off. “James left me just as I needed him most, he didn’t even explain,” my voice quivered as I spoke. “so clearlyhe doesn’t want my happiness.”
It was the first time I had talked about our break-up and every word brought memories back to me. Kisses, sentences better to be forgotten. Shivers and tears I never wanted to feel nor remember again. I wanted to forget everything but I couldn’t.
And so I continued, turning my back on her, the tears falling and letting the words flow, the bitterness in every word was deep and hurtful to my very soul. “And James was worth it Grace, he was worth it more than anyone.”
Her arms came around me again and this time I didn’t pull free. She squeezed me affectionately,
“I know Lily,” she spoke softly, “I know really, I know, I just -” she sighed deeply, “I just don’t know what to say to you. Do you want the truth? I can’t lie and say he was a bastard, because he wasn’t. And how do I tell you that this is pretty miserable? I don’t know what to do, honestly.”
I turned to face her. My face took in every detail of her face.
“Then don’t.” my voice was low and calm, “Don’t say all those things, don’t do all the right things, don’t try and make me feel better by back-stabbing James. Just be here, Grace. Just be here with me.” I smiled softly at her.
“I think I can do that.” she smiled back and hugged me hard and long.
I laughed happily, “Thanks Grace, I don’t know what I’d do without you.”.
“Me neither.” she sighed dramatically.
I snorted, “Grace, we were actually having a moment.”
She laughed, “I know Lily, just couldn’t help myself.” typical Grace, as always she felt the need to ruin the moment by simply blurting something out. Typical and possibly loveable.
We broke apart both smiling widely.
“Gerald says he’s ready whenever you are.” Grace mused, “Seems like he’s got quite the thing for your hair – or you: he was ever so excited to hear he was getting his hands on your hair.”
She made a face. “Sure there’s nothing going on between the two of you?”
I laughed, shaking my head, “No Grace, Gods Gerald is like a brother to me. That would be – urgh, no that would never happen.” Grace laughed heartedly.
“Besides,” I added, smiling “I think he’s gay to be honest.”
Grace shrugged, “All I know is that he was positively beaming, Lily. You never know with that, Lily, you just never know…”
I brushed her off, “No Grace, not Gerald, anyone but Gerald.”
Grace smiled softly, “If you say so Lily.” she said in her know-it-all-voice.
I ignored her and exclaimed, “What are we waiting for then?”
Grace looked puzzled and didn’t move. “Come on Grace, go! To the hairdresser!” Grace wrinkled her nose in that familiar fashion,
“Now?”
“Yes now, “I snapped, “now come on.” And with that I pulled her out the door before apparating away.
AUTHORS NOTE: So, I don’t know about the fact-looking thing about cancer in the beginning. I honestly don’t know if it’s true or false, mind you we’re around the late seventies, so the cure of cancer and number of survivors were probably pretty bad and low. I’m not going to check up on it, I’m not that bothered to be frank
I think there might be around twenty chapters on this story, funny really, I had counted on ten to fifteen when I started...
Sooooooooo…. Good? Bad? Please, please, please tell me what you think! Criticism is more than welcome!
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