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Chapter 3 : The Non-Existent Manhood Of Sirius Black
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“You've got a smart way about you, that makes me wish that I was smart enough for you.” ~ Dashboard Confessional - Hey Girl.
The Non-Existent Manhood Of Sirius Black
“Good morning, O quiet one!” Sirius said brightly, leaning against the wall next to me. Matthew made a funny noise, which I ignored with an eye-roll.
“Hello, O arrogant one!” I replied smoothly, with a wry grin. Matthew smirked and looked at Sirius. Seeing Sirius’ own smirk, Matthew’s one evaporated swiftly and was replaced by a stony-expression.
“I am not arrogant. I am merely confident with my looks and I have excessive amount of self-esteem,” Sirius flicked his hair, “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, Clairy!”
I laughed slightly; I’d be lying if I said he didn’t amuse me. Matthew, on the other hand, seemed to have nothing but loathing towards him... mixed with a little jealously... Merlin knows why. Matthew’s loathing for Sirius seemed mutual but Sirius, in all fairness, kept a cool head. He just replied with odd, perverted, but none the less, funny comments. This seemed to drive Matthew almost over the edge… Am I sick if I said I’d be quite happy to watch this as a sport? I’m certain Sirius would win, though.
Matthew looked down his nose at Sirius. As my best friend, I probably shouldn’t say anything against him… but I’d never been that noble; Matthew was as arrogant as Sirius Black, if not more so. I loved him to pieces admittedly, but sometimes he was so hypocritical that I could hack him to pieces.
“Sod off, Black, you retard.” Matthew said prudishly. I inwardly groaned; such a pathetic comeback?
Sirius grinned and said, in a proud, childish, mock-baby voice, “I am not a retard. I am a very special boy.”
We were outside Defence Against The Dark Arts; Sirius and I had every lesson together as he’d taken the same subjects as me, to my surprise. He had next to me in six of them: History of Magic, Charms, Muggle Studies, Astronomy, Arithmancy and Runes. The fact he sat next to me in Charms, a lesson I shared with Matthew, before Matthew got to the seat greatly irritated Matthew. But, somehow, Sirius had become my sort-of friend over the last four weeks; slightly more than an acquaintance.
Matthew opened his mouth to speak, when Professor McGonagall opened the door to the classroom. She was taking the Defence Against The Dark Arts class, because Professor Dumbledore was having difficulty keeping a Defence teacher for more than a year; they kept going missing, turning up dead, or resigning in fear.
“Enter. Books out. Please sit in the places I have set for you. Do not attempt to move, again, because it is wasting my valuable time that you will be re-paying in Detention,” The woman surveyed us sternly, pushing her spectacles up her nose. She pursed her lips for a moment, before adding, “That means you, Mr. Black and Mr. Potter.”
James and Sirius high-fived as we filed into the classroom. I could practically hear Professor McGonagall rolling her eyes and tightening her lips so they were barely visible.
I took my seat in-between Lily Evans and Matthew. Sirius, James, Remus and Peter sat in front of us, whispering and sniggering. In Defence Against The Dark Arts, like in Herbology, surnames A-Z shared the class; Ravenclaw with Gryffindor, Hufflepuff with Slytherin. It seemed that this was in aid of protecting the students, not the pathetic reason that we were given of “so you can see more of your housemates”. Hufflepuff were unlikely to irritate Slytherin into hexing one of them, while Ravenclaw and Gryffindor got on well.
“I am assuming you have all completed the three-foot essay I requested of you,” She said rhetorically. By the expression on her face, she was assuming that not all of us did the essay. She would be, of course, right, “Who has been too busy being indolent and incompetent to complete this small piece of homework?”
Sirius, not to my surprise, raised his hand without hesitation. To my bewilderment, Matthew raised his too, although somewhat hesitantly. I looked at him questioningly, but he pointedly ignored me.
“Mr Zeller?” Professor McGonagall said, stunned too it seemed. He shrugged sheepishly, “Well, then Mr Zeller… detention tonight, I’m afraid.” Matthew nodded, and continued taking out his books.
The Professor took a deep breath, as if bracing herself, “Mr Black, what would it be this time? Dog ate it?” For some reason, this comment caused sniggers reputing from James and Sirius. Remus remained serious, but a strange look crossed over his face; Peter giggled girlishly.
“Nope,” Sirius said, loudly.
“Did you forget I set it, Mr Black?”
“Nu-huh. Guess again,” Sirius grinned, leaning back in his chair lazily.
Professor McGonagall pursed her lips again, frowning. She narrowed her eyes until they were like slits, “Enlighten me, then, on the reason why you failed to complete your homework on time? Again,” She added.
Sirius shrugged and replied, “My pleasure: I couldn’t find anyone to copy from.”
There was a brief silence, before the Professor screeched, “DETENTION TONIGHT, MR BLACK! 6 O’CLOCK, SHARP! Same for you, Mr Zeller.”
“We’re having detention, together?!” Sirius and Matthew asked, in horror. Professor McGonagall’s lip curled and she nodded. Both boys turned to look at each other, both shot a death-glare and both turned back to their books with folded arms. I leaned back in my chair to watch them. It was funny enough to keep me laughing for days…
Sighing contently, I wrote in note-form what the Professor was saying. Matthew growled darkly, which I showed no indication that I’d heard other than me smile widening.
The day passed with flying colours. Six o’clock steadily approached, and Matthew made sure we were all aware of his utmost discomfort. I, on the other hand, decided I would use this moment to torture both Matthew and Sirius for weeks. This was a happy thought.
“Good bye, Claire, Clem, Xan… My life is now over. I’m going to kill myself in this detention, or Black will kill me… either way, I’m dead and miserable,” Matthew whined, as he stood up to leave.
Clem and Xan waved chirpily, with identical grins on their faces. I replied softly, “Make a will before you die, please. I want your Wizard Wireless, yeah?” He pulled a face at me, and left the common room.
As soon as Matthew left, Xan turned back to his book and Clem sniggered. I watched Xan reading for a moment; when he read, his naturally serious face lightened and it seemed like a massive weight had been lifted off his shoulders.
Alexander was the essence of intelligence. He was also what was considered the “Ravenclaw heart-throb”. He was very tall, with dark hair, smouldering eyes and tanned skin. He wore thick-rimmed spectacles, and was broad shouldered. He was ever the enigma; he rarely opened up to people, especially girls, but was relatively talkative in a smart way. Xan greatly respected my quiet-but-snide attitude – unlike Matthew, Xan was of the belief that “it’s better to shut your mouth and let people think you’re clever, than to open it and prove them wrong”.
Matthew, of course, considered this “a load of crap” and thus proved to everyone he was full of crap. Matthew never actually shut his mouth – not when he was eating, not when he was sleeping, not when he was reading. Admittedly, he was quite good-looking but the not-shutting-mouth-most-of-the-time made him look slightly gormless, but I decided not to trouble him with this information.
Clem, on the other hand, was almost the opposite of Xan in a way. He was tall too; but Clem had slight, narrow shoulders and a small build. None the less, he was toned and quite muscular; he was the seeker for the Ravenclaw team, and the Captain since sixth year. Clem had curly hair, which was a light-lemon colour. He had light, but not exactly pale, skin and laughing-eyes the colour of a soft ocean mist. He looked pretty cherub-like, but was reasonably loud and very-unserious. He was very intelligent though, which was why I had a feeling him and Xan got on so well.
“I can’t wait for the world cup this year!” Clem said excitedly, “Wales V. Italy! Should be a laugh; my dad can get tickets if you two are interested? Matt will obviously want to come.”
I consider his offer for a moment, and nod with a genuine smile. Xan looked up from his book, and nodded too, “Yeah; I have a pretty decent two-story tent we can use.”
“Excellent,” Clem grinned, making an attempt at an evil laugh, “Best summer yet!”
“You say that every year,” Xan rolled his eyes, but smiled good-naturedly. Clem flicked him, which made Xan laugh and turn back to his book.
“Last summer yet,” I said, the realisation suddenly hitting me; this was the last year I’d spend with my best friends.
Clem gave a lopsided smile, and I could tell he was thinking the same as me. I apologised for bumming him out, and announced that I would spend half an hour in the library; it was half past six already, and I wanted to get some work done before Matthew arrived back in a foul mood.
Arriving at the next-to-empty library, I took a seat by the window. I pulled out some books, but opened one half-heartedly as I looked out of the window. I watched the clouds flow across the sky like a tranquil wave. A feeling of loneliness washed over me. I watched the sunset while pinks and oranges swirled across the sky, like a flawed canvas… like a destiny laid out that no one could read… like thousands of minds not knowing where they are going…
“What’re you doing?” A familiar voice queried, taking a seat next to me. I replied melodiously, “Just waiting for proof of sunsets and silhouette dreams…”
I looked at Sirius; he was looking intrigued, with his head arched to the side, “What?”
“Nothing,” I said, with a sad smile. I didn’t even know why I was sad…
He looked at my books and smirked, “Studying? Whoa, you work hard.”
I shrug, a grin playing at my lips, “Hard work never killed anyone.”
“But why take the risk?”
I chuckled, and he grinned. I said, idly, “Oh, you forgot to be perverted.”
“You asked me ‘what are you doing’. You could have said ‘you can do me if you want’ or something,” I smirked at him. There was silence for a second; his mouth was gawping open in shock.
“OH FUCKING MERLIN!” Sirius screeched, making Irma Pince glare at him. He lowered his voice hastily, “Matthew fried my brain!” He said in a panicky, small, whining voice.
I burst out laughing. Sirius didn’t even smile. He whimpered and said, “There are things worse than death. Like an hour with Matthew.”
“He’s not too bad…” I said slowly, “Matthew IS a good friend. Really, he is!” Sirius shot me a funny look, and I rolled my eyes.
“Do you actually consent happily to being friends with him?”
“Okay! He’s annoying sometimes--”
“Sometimes?!” Sirius exclaimed in disbelief. He then said seriously (no pun intended), “If he doesn’t have a stick jammed up his arse I am quite happy to do it for him. Then he has an excuse!”
“So… you want to jam things up Matthew’s arse?”
Sirius looked like he wanted to throw up. He widened his eyes, and shook his head quickly, “Oh dear Merlin, NO. I’m rubbing off on you…” He paused, and grinned at me, “I’d rather you be rubbing off on me…”
“You’re already girly enough as it is.” I rolled my eyes, laughing slightly at his expression. “
“Do not insult my manhood!”
Amusement dancing in my eyes, I said nothing else. Sirius mumbled under his breath for a few moments, and then went quiet. Half thinking he died in shock, I looked at him. He grinned at me, and stretched. A couple of girls walked past our table, giggling and staring at him. They had the same pathetic, simpering, expression until they saw me; there was a bookshelf blocking me partially unless you looked really hard (they obviously weren’t going to do this, of course – thinking about shagging Sirius and all). Their stupid little expressions disappeared from their faces, and I rolled my eyes. Again.
Vaguely wondering how he could constantly look effortlessly and smoothly gorgeous constantly, I made a face at him meaning look-behind-you. He did so, and turned back with a yawn. One of them walked over, tittering, and said to him quietly (not quiet enough for me not to hear though… stupid tart), “Hello Sirius Black, my name’s Jennie, I’m in fifth year… me and my friend were wondering if you would like to join us,” She looked at me momentarily. I suppressed an eye-roll and looked down at my book, letting my hair fall into my eyes, “Because I don’t think someone as handsome as you should sit on their own.” She tittered again. Wow, why don’t you just rip off your top and sit on his lap?! That would be so less obvious, mini-slag. To my surprise, Sirius didn’t look amused.
“Well, Jodie…Josie...Jan?… anyway, I’m flattered… but, I don’t go for immature, little girls who bitch like that. I’m sitting with my good friend Claire. Thank you again, bye de bye.” He waved at her, and turned back to me.
My eyebrows almost disappeared into my hair. Did he just blow off pretty little whores to sit with me?
Jennie and her friend shot me a dark look and stalked off, muttering about me. Sirius laughed and leant in closer to me, “Forget about them. They’re just jealous coz I’m sitting and talking with a pretty girl.”
Wait -- did he just call me pretty?
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