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Chapter 9 : You Decide
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Note: I really hope you like this chapter. I had to re-write and re-submit due to many errors and gaps within the story line. Thanks.
James banged his head on the closed door, cursing under his breath. Why? Why did she have to just walk away from her problems? Why did she just have to assume that what had happened just hurts her? Why did she have to walk away leaving him standing there in only his trousers looking like the one that caused the problem in the first place? As far as he knew, if it wasn’t for her being so eager to change him none of this would have happened, yet deep, deep down he felt the churning of guilt take over his stomach.
Lucy came out of the door fully dressed with her face flustered and her hair static. James felt her delicate hand rest on his shoulder. “James?”
“Lucy, can you please just go? I’m sorry, it’s just - ” but he didn’t know what it just was, thankfully, Lucy took her moment of silence to be the cue for her to interject.
“No need for an apology,” she replied softly, in the same voice she had used earlier whilst trying to comfort Lily.
“Yeah, there is. I shouldn’t have done what I did, I shouldn’t’ve brought you into this, I should’ve sorted it out. But please, I need to go after her. Shit!” and then he ran flat out, not even looking back on a smirking Lucy, in order to find his girlfriend and sort out the mess he had just made.
Lily sat outside on the dewy grass her eyes staring, but not seeing; her head was bowed, her sleeves wet with her tears and her hair was blowing in the slight breeze. She tried hard to slow her breath, come back to her senses, but every time she raised her head she saw an imaginary picture of James and Lucy, James and Lucy talking, laughing and eventually … touching. What did she do to deserve this? What did she do, or not do, as the case may be, that would make him even consider cheating on her? Putting it like that the matter seemed like nothing. He cheated on her. Those words are easily said and to some might mean something, but to Lily? To Lily they didn’t even begin to justify how she felt. The didn’t express the sharp piercing pain to heart, they didn’t make her want to cry, they didn’t want to make her run so fast that she could never slow and they most certainly didn’t make her feel useless. Those three words were like a warm caress compared to the rush of cold horror that was engulfing her at that moment.
She attempted to stand up but her knees buckled, she began to fall but a firm grasp caught her before she reached the floor again.
Lily raised her eyes and looked into the ones that were so familiar to her. She snapped her head to the side, determined not to fall into those pools again and melt away into forgiveness. She wouldn’t fall for that again, not ever, she promised herself. Lily felt something rise from inside her, a sort of roar, a strong dominant emotion that seemed to take over her body. She had never felt like this before, and in a way, she was scared of this new emotion that had swooped upon her.
Lily rounded on him, her face red with anger, her eyes puffy from tears. She felt like an idiot, why did this happen to her? Why did she have to be put through all of this? Why the hell did she listen to Lucy? She wanted to ask so many questions, but a thick film of tears blocked her throat. James took this to be his time to speak. “I’ve told you! I’m sorry! What more can I say? What can I do to prove it to you?”
Lily’s tears seemed to disappear in a matter of seconds as her emotions changed from confusion to cold-blooded anger. “Oh, you’ve done enough, and not a thing you can do or say will change that. Why? Why did you have to do that? With Lucy of all people! You know that we aren’t speaking! You know that I hate her! Why her? Why me?”
“Lily, think about it! I wanted to hurt you to stop me from hurting! I wanted to lower my levels as far as humanly possible just to spite you, I wanted to hurt you more than I hurt … Snivellus!”
“Is there any other reason? Or are you just going to stick to that excuse?” Lily asked, hoping for the life of her that he had at least one legitimate reason for his actions.
“I was confused.” James whispered, knowing that his girlfriend, if she still was that, would not appreciate this justification of his actions. Lily snorted; she knew she shouldn’t but there comes a time when your emotions are so powerful that they control you. “You would have been too, I didn’t know what to think, had you ended it? Why did you call me heartless after all I’ve done for you? I was scared that you expected more from me, and that I couldn’t live up to you, make you happy.”
“So you think that that’s enough? You were confused? You were scared? Is that all?”
“You‘ve no idea how hard it is for me! You don’t understand! For years you pushed me away, for years I had to listen to endless rejections, no after bloody no! And there comes a point where someone can’t take it anymore! I couldn’t take it!”
“And you think I could? You think I could emotionally handle having to reject the guy of my dreams every five minutes? I couldn’t!”
“You seemed to manage at the time! You never had a problem rejecting me, you hated me!”
“Are you really that shallow? You really think I hated you all along?”
“What was it then? Enlighten me, why don’t you?”
“I was stubborn!” Lily practically roared, her eyes widening, her body shaking. "I still am, I couldn’t handle the fact that you might actually like me, you might actually value me, and not throw me away like you did to all the other girls! I was scared that I would be treated like them! And I was right not to trust you, because the moment we have the smallest argument, and I turn my back, I catch you in bed with one of my friends! Can you blame me?” All of Lily’s previous trepidation seemed to melt away leaving only one raw emotion – anger.
“So that was a little argument to you? That whole argument meant next-to-nothing? Well then, I think we have a problem. I’m going to fucking say something I never thought I’d say – it broke me; don’t even think about arguing! You walked away after calling me heartless again, and you left me standing there in front of my friends looking like a fish out of water and I had to find a way of getting rid of this gaping chasm of nothingness! I hate feeling empty! I regret doing it, it didn’t make me feel any better, it hurt even more, but it made me realise one thing –“
“And what was that then? That you really are a heartless prick?” Lily asked, not wanting to listen to him, knowing full well that if she did, guilt would engulf her like it had him.
“Oh, the same old tune, heartless, am I? Once again you didn’t let me finish, you didn’t let me say what I needed to say - ”
“Go on then, just say it! If it’s so important, just say it! I daresay I can’t think any less of you. ”
“Fine.” And he meant it, he knew that it would tear him apart if he had to listen to another one of her interruptions, hear her turn it around and make it all about her, listen to her forget that he cared about her more than any one else; he wasn't there for another one of her sodding negotiations, so he said the one thing he had been feeling since they had their first argument. “It made me realise that I can’t stand being used by you. I can’t stand another argument, and also, I need you to realise that you aren’t the only one who needs someone. You aren’t the only one that can’t live through another bad patch. So I’m gonna make it easy for you – I - I’m gonna to end it before I get hurt again - before you get hurt again.”
“Is that it?” asked Lily, feeling her eyes burn.
“You aren’t making this any easier.” He said, his eyes shining in the darkness that was surrounding them. The moon shone down them, causing a soft glow to light up the lake. Lily let the surroundings carry her away for a few moments. She felt as though the atmosphere was thick, like the calm after a storm. It cut her when she realised that the rippling of the lake was capable of calming her when she should be feeling such raw emotions, crying, screaming … laughing. But as she looked at the lake one thought came to her mind: ‘is this really what I want? Do I really want to throw all of this away?’ But her thoughts didn’t last long as he dove deeper into her eyes, reading her like a book.
“Is that it?” she repeated, her voice quiet and unchanging and her eyes returning into icy steel pools of nothing as though no emotion could be shown through them. She was looking at his face now, capturing his every change of expression. His eyes showed the most sincere hurt; his lips the yearning to yell but then his eyes changed, they were no longer clouded by hurt but smothered in longing, the same look he had only that very morning when he kissed her goodbye.
“I don’t want it to be it.” He said and he turned his back on her, he wouldn’t – couldn’t – let her see his face for he knew that if she did, she would break down. James could never cope with hurting Lily, not really, and knowing that he had caused her eyes to leak in pain was more than he could handle. He would give her - and himself - one last chance.
“Answer me, for Merlin’s sake! Is that it?”
“You decide.” And he walked away from her; his back turned. He knew the expression that would be planted on her face, but he didn’t want to see it, it would hurt too much. So he kept on walking.
And so I leave this story with cliffie until all the gaps have been filled. I hope you liked it, and thanks for reading.
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