Dedication: I'd like to dedicate this chapter to Ella Black, 'Cute Jimmy' and other such New Zealanders who found themselves talking about this story in their orientation class!
and also major credits and kudos to Weirdism as I used her idea in this chapter!
The Virgin Count A Little Fun
“Have you checked in your bag?” Ron asked as Harry combed every inch of McGonagall’s classroom, although he himself was perched on a desk eating an apple as he watched Harry scan the room in frustration,
“And imbetween the pages of your books?”
“And in the socks inside your trunk where you like to keep things that you figure no-one else will find?”
“Yes. I’ve looked everywhere! That was a very embarrassing document, Ron! I’ve searched every nook and cranny for it- it’s not there!” Harry looked very flustered; he couldn’t imagine how humiliating it would be for The Virgin Count to fall into the wrong hands… if Ginny found out…
“And you’re sure you didn’t write in invisible ink?”
“YES!” Harry shouted, “You’re not exactly being any help Ron! Could you at least help me look?”
“Sor-ry!” Ron answered, sliding off the table and throwing his apple core in the bin. It missed, but he levitated it in anyway, “Accio Virgin Count!” he called. The boys waited a few moments but nothing happened, “It’s not here.” He concluded.
“Thanks.” Said Harry, sarcastically, “That was great help.”
“Well you were the one who had it last! How am I supposed to know where you misplaced it?”
“Where I misplaced it? Maybe if you hadn’t run off like a little girl when I mentioned Hermione’s name I wouldn’t have misplaced it!” Harry had come to share Ron’s paranoia about the whole school being sexually active while they remained decidedly inactive, “Don’t you care that the whole of Hogwarts is going to know we’re… virgins… if we don’t find this list?”
“Of course I care!” Ron yelled, “Our reputations are at stake!”
“What reputations?” Harry raised an eyebrow at Ron. He wouldn’t exactly call them the most lusted after boys in the school- girls were hardly falling at their feet. Ron shook his head in disbelief at his friend,
“Harry. You’re a dragon-fighting, damsel-rescuing, Quidditch-playing, basilisk-duelling, horcrux-finding, Gryffindor-swording glorified hero! Having officially laid the smack-down on You-Know-Who countless amounts of times, winning the Triwizard tournament, training Dumbledore’s army, as well as getting substantial grades in your O.W.L.s… if you can’t get laid… who the hell can?”
“Most of that was by fluke…” Harry protested, endearingly ignorant of his ridiculous modesty.
“But you forget, Harry. It’s not just about us. Hermione’s reputation is at stake too!” Ron started to look mortified at this thought, “What if people think she’s done it? We should never have put her on the Maybe list Harry! Her esteemed chastity is on the line!”
“‘Her esteemed chastity?’ have you been reading Jane Austen again, Ron?”
“Well she is chaste.” Ron commented, strongly in denial of anything physical that had ever occurred between her and Victor Krum.
“She might not be!” Harry snapped, still unsuccessful in his solo search for the list, as Ron sat himself back on the table again, “There’s a good reason Hermione’s on that list Ron, and it starts with ‘Kuh’ and ends with ‘rum’.”
“She is on the list!” Ron huffed like a pestilent child. Harry sighed; he could never get Ron to be rational.
“Well you’re not being objective sitting there like that, are you? Let’s just find the list and get out of here!”
“Find what?” A high-pitched female voice asked from the doorway; it was McGonagall, “What are you boys doing in my room at this hour? Shouldn’t you be having lunch in the great hall?”
“Err… yes… well we erm… Harry?” Ron turned the attention to his friend.
“We… ah…” Harry stumbled; neither boys could bring themselves to tell their head of house exactly what it was they were looking for (and had produced in her class that same morning).
“Is it that you’ve both finished your homework already and want to do some more research for extra credit?” Minerva McGonagall asked hopefully, but from the horrified expressions on the boys’ faces she derived that her suggestion wouldn’t be happening any time soon, “Then what is it that you want, I’m very busy?”
“We just lost something, professor.” Harry answered for them, praying that she wouldn’t volunteer to help them look for it, which of course she did;
“Oh? Not your Transfiguration notes I hope? Whatever it is, I’m sure it can’t escape three pairs of good eyes, tell me what is it you’re looking for and I'll aid you in your search?”
Ron shot a panicked look over to Harry as if to tell him to improvise.
“Oh look! There it is!” Harry threw his hands up into the air in feigned surprise at nothing in particular whilst anxiously looking for something to pass off as a lost item. A short pause followed while none of them moved until the teacher said;
“Where?” McGonagall asked. Harry had not moved from his spot, and although he had recognised some object, he was strangely hesitant to retrieve it. The boys were acting very oddly today.
“Yes. I see it.” Ron nodded a little too vigorously, but he wasn’t even looking in the same direction as Harry.
“Where?” The teacher pressed.
“Err… THERE!” Harry yelled in triumph as he spotted something, he picked the tiny thing up off the desk, “THIS!” he showed her the miniature creature in his gently cupped hands.
“A spider?” McGonagall asked, unbelievingly.
“Yeah… come on… err... Jeffery… found ya little buddy… right Ron?” Harry looked to his comrade for reassurance, but Ron was white as a sheet and was having some trouble swallowing, “Right, Ron?”
“Humphflemflffl.” Was the only noise Ron managed to make.
“Are you alright Mr Weasley?” the Gryffindor head of house observed, “You look a bit peaky?” When Ron failed to answer her she turned her attention back to Harry, “You know, I’ve got some fascinating books on arachnids in Transfiguration if you wanted me to…”
“Err, thanks professor but I think we’ll take a rain-check on that one. After all, Ron’s looking a bit unwell, better take him to the nurse and I’ve got to get Jeffery here back to the… web.”
“Hendlephelmbulflfff.” Ron agreed. And, for the second time that day, the two boys exiting the classroom with as much haste as their gangly teenage legs could carry them.
As soon as ‘Jeffery’ had been safely disposed of, Ron let out an enormous gasp of air as if he had been holding his breath ever since his first set eyes on the eight-legged invertebrate,
“Don’t scare me like that again, Harry!” He panted, the colour slowly returning to his cheeks, “And make a mental to put her on the list as soon as we find it.”
“No; McGonagall. She seriously needs to get out more.”
“But I don’t want to ‘have fun’!” Hermione protested to her friend for the umpteenth time. The two girls were waiting for Harry and Ron to appear in the Gryffindor common room. Well, Ginny was waiting for them, but Hermione refused to have anything to do with the list.
As Ginny was about to tell the self-righteous girl to let her untameable, bushy hair down for once, Harry and Ron appeared in the portrait hole.
“Hey boys!” She jumped up excitedly, but the boys looked miserable and unimpressed by her enthusiasm, “What’s the matter?”
Hermione spluttered something that sounded like “unbelievable!” and crossed her arms and legs away from the trio in profuse disengagement. Ron made a face at her behind her back.
“Nothing.” Harry shrugged he slumped into a nearby armchair.
“Lost something?” Ginny asked innocently, “Not their virginities that’s for sure.” She added sotto voce to Hermione, who snorted in disapproval of Ginny’s inappropriate comments.
Ron, who thought Hermione was snorting at him as he sat down next to her, growled in response, “Maybe. What’s that to you two?”
“Nothing.” Ginny shrugged innocently, mimicking Harry’s melancholy mood, “Only it wouldn’t be the first time you’ve lost something would it, Ron?”
Ron raised his eyebrows,
“What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked.
“Well, are you telling me that you’ve never had that experience?” Ginny stroked her chin quizzically. She tried to hide an amused smile and she studied the puzzled expression on her older brother’s face.
“No. Yes. I don’t understand you, Ginny?”
“Well that’s certainly not a first.” Hermione snapped, still facing away from the rest of the group, apparently absorbed in the latest edition of ‘witch’s weekly’ that was sat open in her lap.
“As a matter of fact we did lose something.” Ron said through gritted teeth; somehow Hermione's every movement seemed to infuriate him to the point of extreme angst, “Transfiguration notes, and we went back to McGonagall’s classroom to look for them.” He told Ginny, but his glare was fixed on Hermione.
“I’m sure you looked really hard.” The redheaded minx nodded. This humour was lost on the boys, who hadn’t a clue why she was acting so strangely. Harry and Ron exchanged a perplexed glance, “Did you do it?”
“Do what?” Harry asked, suspicious of the buoyant state that Ginny Weasley was in.
“Find whatever it was you were looking for of course!”
“Yeah.” Ron laughed with Harry, “It had eight legs and it was called Jeffery.”
“Did it take you a long time? Or was it over very quickly? Prematurely even?” Ginny cocked her head to one side inquisitively.
“Ginny, are you feeling okay?” Ron was beginning to worry about her bizarre behaviour.
“I’m fine! But how was your search? Pleasurable? Did you have a darn good time?” Ginny answered, but before the boys could throw yet another bewildered look her way, Hermione made a incomprehensible outburst;
“What was that Hermione?” Ginny snapped out of her good mood and snatched ‘witch’s weekly’ out of Hermione’s hands,
“OW! Papercuts! Hermione protested, twisting around to face her friend with an expression of rage on her face.
“What’s this Hermione? Checking up on our horoscope are we?” Ginny said playfully; why did Hermione always have to be so awkward? “What starsign are you? Virgo? Really? Are you are Virgo too, Ron?”
“No… I’m… a… Pisces?” Ron told her; she knew that so why was she asking? If he didn’t know better he’d say that Ginny and Hermione had a little private joke going at the expense of Harry and himself.
“And a Pisces is what?”
“And what would that make a Virgo, Hermione?” Ginny asked her prude friend. Hermione’s lips curled,
“A VIRGIN!” Hermione yelled at the top of her voice. Everyone in the common room turned to stare at her, “Touched for the very first time! Like a Virgin! When your heart beats both in time!” And then she turned on her heel and stormed off in the direction of her dormitory.
“Well that’s the cherry on top of the cake.” Ginny commented and Ron looked at her as if she was stark raving mad,
“What has gotten into her today?” he exclaimed,
“What hasn’t got into Hermione… that would be more telling…” Ginny winked at Harry, “Lets just say that the letters Krum has been sending her have become very… graphic.”
“What.” Ron said. It wasn’t a question. His face was as white as a sheet.
“Well, I better be off now; lots to see, lots to do…” Ginny trailed off as she skipped merrily out of the portrait hole trying to hide her laughter.
The two boys were quiet for a moment. In fact, Harry had been quiet for quite some time, trying to fathom out the peculiar behaviour of the girls,
“Ron, are you okay? Ron?”
But his friend looked as if he’d just seen a ghost; his freckles stood out colourfully against his wan skin, his mouth open and his blue eyes were wide and staring, petrified, into space. His fingers clawed at the arms of his chair before he curled his hands into tight fists; his knuckles turning white with force.
“She’s on the maybe list.” Was all Ron managed to hiss.
Harry empathised with his friend; these were the same raw emotions that Harry felt whenever he saw Ginny with Dean, or whoever she was going out with that week. He wanted to do something to help.
“Um… I’m sure it’s just Ginny playing us up, y’know?”
“Why would she do that?” Ron asked and Harry had no answer for him, “You’ve got to ask Hermione, Harry. I’ve got to know for… for… the purpose of… um…”
“Sure Ron.” Harry assured him, not wanting to hurt himself in thinking of an actual reason for his interest in Hermione’s virginity other than his undying love for her, “I’ll ask her. I promise.”
And with that the boys left the common room, mumbling plans on how they were going to get their friend to confess. Their mumbling sounding alot like,
"You ask her!"
"No you ask her!"
“There are some odd goings-on here today.” Neville observed, commenting to Seamus as he picked up the edition of witches weekly that the group had carelessly discarded, "Personally, I'm a Leo."
Not to make another tasteless quip about virginity, but it was a first time for Hermione. Not paying attention in a lesson that is. She could hear Snape’s monotonous drawling at the back of her mind, but her line of conscious thought was somewhere else entirely;
I’m not boring, am I?
She asked herself. She knew she had always been quiet, sensible and reserved. Hermione was an intellectual. She thought herself modest, shy and that her downcast looks portrayed her in a favourable light; intelligent, virtuous and chaste.
But apparently people were not convinced by this and found her prude, pretentious and snobbish.
Where along the line did I become such an elitist snot?
She glanced over to where Harry and Ron sat next to her in obvious states of daydreaming similar to her own. They had entered the lesson with such suspicious secrecy that Hermione thought they might have some sort of ridiculous plan that involved the trio getting expelled, or close to it, as per most of their ‘adventures’ at Hogwarts.
Alas, she had not been let in on the secret.
They must think me so condescending that they don’t even want to include me in their foolishly 'brave' tomfoolery anymore.
She watched the two boys more intently. What were they thinking about now? Something interesting, or at least what today’s generation called ‘interesting’. Like how many Berty Botts Every Flavour Beans they could fit in their mouth without choking to death. Or how cool it would be to put a love potion into Snape’s pumpkin juice. Or how daring it would be to break the school rules.
None of these subjects enthused Hermione as she regarded them as childish nonsense, but she was determined to try something new and get away from her hoity-toity self for one moment.
Sex. Now there was a universal theme for every boy’s mind. Wasn’t it only this morning that Harry ad Ron had created that infamous list out of their fascination with the opposite sex? It was worth a try, wasn’t it?
If those hormone-driven morons can daydream about copulation, then why not I? There must be some fun in it somewhere or else they wouldn’t bother.
Hermione told herself. She was quite excited; embarking on some new adventure in her subconscious that she had not exercised before.
Okay. Something simple to start with. Erm… Harry naked… ERGH!
Hermione had to give the adolescents of today some credit; this was a disgusting prospect! However do they manage to dream of such a pursuit?
I must persevere in order to understand my peers.
Harry naked [she shuddered, but forced the image to stay in her mind] and err… in a barn somewhere. Isn’t that every male fantasy? Innocent country-girl meets rugged-farm-worker and they go at it in the hay? Oh this is ridiculous…
The boys looked positively nonchalant! Hermione was trying desperately to hide the distaste from her face and yet there the boys were obviously thinking about sex (well, what else could they be thinking about?) and were yet so quiet and deadpan about it all?
Yes. So. Harry naked in a barn. With erm… me? And there’s a haystack. And a loft. And a hoe. Oh! A hoe? Please some class if you will! Enough with these lewdy innuendoes!
This was so difficult!
Harry naked in a barn with a hoe and a riding saddle? And he’s erm… putting the riding saddle on a horse… AARGH! HARRY NAKED ON A HORSE!?!
Hermione spluttered a gasping cough at the nauseating image in her head as if she was trying to spit her thoughts out through her mouth.
“Have you got something to say, Miss Granger?” Snape asked in his bemused tone of voice, as ever. The class turned to stare at her and she blushed intently,
“Good. I would hate for this class to be interrupted by your arrogant lectures and textbook extract recitals any longer. Twenty points from Gryffindor.”
Hermione sighed. Harry looked at her sympathetically but Ron only mouthed ‘Nice one’ at her with infantile hostility.
And so Hermione went back to her attempt to reach social normality; thinking about sex. But after that last image of Harry naked on a horse (Ergh! She blocked it out again!) she began to wonder if she was really missing anything after all.
Stupid Harry on his stupid horse. Stupid Snape and his stupid grudge against Gryffindor. Stupid Ron and his immature…
Ron. Now there was a thought. Inconceivably, a new string of thought fabricated in her brain without any encouragement needed,
Ron working late at the muggle office. He undoes the top button of his shirt as he pushes the button to call for a lift; he’s not going to walk the twenty flights of stairs down to the entrance of the office building. He loosens the tie on his dark suit as I walk up behind him in my tight pencil skirt and pinstriped blouse. We nod mutually at each other as the lift doors open. No one gets out; everyone has already gone home and we’re the only two to enter the elevator.
“Ground?” he asks tiredly. I nod and he presses the key for the ground floor. The dialbegins to go down. He pulls at the collar of his shirt; the air conditioning in this place leaves much to be desired. Suddenly the system jams and the lift slams to a grinding halt. I wobble on my stilettos and he instinctively reaches out a hand to steady me,
“Y’all right?” he asks, ever so close, the hard muscles on his arms keeping me balanced.
I only blush as a reply, trying to mumble a word of thanks, but I get caught in his magnetic blue eyes and then he leans in towards me…
“WHAT?” Hermione yelled as she felt someone nudge her and bring her back to Earth out of her happy reverie. Once normality set in again she found the eyes of every student in the class gawking at her in amusement and bewildered shock.
“Miss Granger?” Snape asked, seething with hatred for this pupil.
“What… was the last thing you said, only I missed it in my notes?” Hermione rushed quickly to think of an reason for her cry whilst she wished that there was something somewhere she could use as a fan after that escapade in her head. Snape sneered contentedly,
“If you weren’t concentrating hard enough then I suggest that you work on that yourself rather than disrupting the learning of worthier students.”
Hermione breathed a sigh of relief; he had bought her justification for the outburst.
“And, incidentally,” Snape added, “I’d appreciate it if your kept daydreaming to outside of my classroom. Muggle offices are hardly relevant to 'Methods of Potions Brewing'” He spat before returning to his monologue.
Hermione froze. She had forgotten that Snape was a fully accomplished leglimens. Her cheeks grew hotter than they already were after her tour around the imagination with Ron. She was going to have to find a different means to exterminate her haughtiness.
Then she felt something in her lap; it was a screwed up note. She glanced at Harry, who had been the one to nudge her in the first place, but he was staring to the front once more. Usually her rational sense of right and wrong would lead her to ignore this distracting rubbish but the new Hermione was rebelling against the rules. She opened the paper tentatively as not to make any noise; she had had enough of being singled out in Snape’s lesson for one day;
Are you a virgin?
She had to hide a snort of laughter as she re-read the six words scrawled onto the parchment. Was this the secret agenda that the boys had been hiding? They were working up the courage to ask her this stupid question as to remove her from the maybe list and place her firmly on the Virgin Count? Or had they figured out that Ginny now owned the list after her unsubtle teasing that afternoon?
Hermione didn’t know what came over her as she felt the spirit of Ginny pick up her pen and reply;
Yes. Of course. Meet me room of requirement tonight at midnight. I thought you’d never ask!
Love Hermione x
authors note: I hope that was more amusing than chappy 2, I certainly enjoyed writing it (I have been known to drift off into such daydreams in lessons at my own school!). Please leave a review or check out my 'meet the author page' if you have any questions.