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Funny Business by Pretty Purple Pelican
Chapter 1 : The Marauders Proudly Present: Sexual Education
Rating: 15+Chapter Reviews: 51

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It had been the subject of the week, and all the fourth thru seventh years were dreading the day when they would assemble in the Great Hall and be lectured on the one subject that no student wanted to hear discussed by Professor McGonagall- sex.

In response to new guidelines set by the Ministry of Magic, Hogwarts was now required to provide the students with a sexual education lecture. The day had finally arrived when the older students trudged into the Great Hall for an hour’s worth of embarrassment.

McGonagall was already standing behind a podium, surveying the students as they entered the room. Many of them seemed to be avoiding eye contact with her.

All except for three students.

“What’s under the curtain, Professor?” asked James Potter, pointing at the veiled posters next to her podium

“You will see shortly, Potter,” said McGonagall tersely. “Take a seat.”

She should have known that something was up when they didn’t argue but simply seated themselves in the front row. Sniggering behind their hands, the four Marauders exchanged looks of utter delight and anticipation. Only Lily Evans seemed to notice their strange behavior. “You and your friends better not try any funny business, Potter,” she hissed. “This is going to be miserable enough.”

“That’s exactly why we should be doing something funny, Evans,” replied James, grinning at her. “It’ll lighten the mood a bit.”

She opened her mouth to retort but quickly turned her attention to Professor McGonagall, who was beginning the lecture. “Now then,” she said, adjusting her spectacles. “I know you all understand why you are here, and those of you who don’t-“

“See Marisha Simms after class!” shouted Sirius, pointing at a girl sitting alone in a corner.

Marisha immediately burst into tears and fled the Hall. “Detention, Black!” snapped McGonagall. “This is not an interactive discussion.”

“My apologies, Professor,” he said, winking at her. “Please continue.”

McGonagall’s cheeks tinged pink in anger, but she restrained herself and attempted to continue. “We have no way of knowing how much you have already learned so this is going to be a very general-“

“Professor,” whined Sirius, raising his hand but not waiting to be called upon. “Can we just skip to the good stuff?”

Detention, Black,” fumed McGonagall. “This is difficult enough without your indecent comments.”

“I’m sorry, Professor,” he said, grinning. “I’m just a very, very bad boy.”

There was an eruption of giggles from a gaggle of girls, but they were quickly silenced by an icy look from McGonagall.

“Now, you first must understand that sex is a very important part of humanity. When a man loves a woman-“

“Loves?” commented Sirius. “Crap, I’ve been doing this thing all wrong!”

“DETENTION, BLACK,” roared McGonagall. “I will ask you to leave!”

“Aw, Professor, then I won’t get the same info as everyone else,” said Sirius, batting his eyelashes as James high-fived him under the table. “It could lead to some horrible lifestyle choices later on.”

McGonagall’s lips were a tight line and her nostrils were absolutely white as she tried to regain control of her temper. “As I was saying, when a man loves a woman-“

“Should be about now,” muttered Remus.

Right on cue, Professor Flitwick came stumbling into the Great Hall. “Bingo,” said Peter, smiling and nodding.

“Minerva!” wheezed Flitwick, clearly out of breath. “Someone has released a whole horde of imps in the staff room!”

“Oh, for Merlin’s- I’ll be right there, Filius,” said McGonagall. She turned to the students and pointed her finger at them. “Not one move. I will be back shortly.”

As soon as she had disappeared from view, the group erupted into chatter. The Marauders strutted to the front of the room, removed McGonagall’s draped posters, and put up their own. “What do you think you’re doing?” said Lily, glaring at them.

“Evans, love, we’re simply continuing their educational experience,” said James. “Would you like to be our dummy?”

“Drop dead, Potter!” snapped Lily. “I’m getting Professor McGonagall!”

Do something, Moony,” groaned Sirius. “I can’t deal with this right now. I’ve got a lesson to teach.”

“Right,” said Remus, nodding. “Sorry, Lily. It’s for the best.” With that, he gave a flick of his wand and, in a moment, Lily was bound and gagged.

“Perhaps Miss Evans will assist us when we get to the kinkier part of our lesson,” said Sirius, receiving a cry of indignation from the gagged Lily. “Sorry, sweetheart. I can’t understand you when you’ve got something in your mouth.” He pretended to look puzzled for a minute. “Why do I feel like I’ve said that before?”

A chorus of groans met his comment. “Aw c’mon,” he said. “If you get that, you don’t even need this class.”

“Now to begin where McGonagall left off,” said James, elongating his wand so that it became pointer-sized. “When a man loves a woman, that’s just dandy. He buys her one of those rings, and they live together in the depressed agony that is marriage and have lots of screaming, drooling-“

“Prongs, leave the consequences till after,” interrupted Sirius. “We can talk about the screaming, drooling mistakes in a moment.”

“Right,” said James. “Anyway, but when a man is completely and totally enamored and/or turned on by a woman, he does the only sensible thing he can do-“

“He shags her,” finished Sirius. “Our dear Moony has a couple of diagrams to demonstrate this to you-“

Remus smiled slightly and removed the cover from the first diagram. It showed a picture of the male genitalia- up close and personal. “I assume that picture is good enough that you don’t need a model?” he said dryly.

“Although, if there are any ladies out there in need of some hands-on experience, I’ll be only too happy to oblige,” said Sirius, flashing his audience a large grin. A couple of the guys in the audience cheered while the girls just giggled. Lily struggled against her bindings.

“Anyway,” continued James. “This thing here-“ He jabbed his wand at the picture. “-goes in this thing here-“ Remus flipped the picture to show a diagram of the female organs. “-and you get this.” Remus flipped to the final picture of a gigantic smiley face. “Any questions?”

The room was silent except for the giggles of some of the girls; everyone was too amused, thinking of what could possibly come next. “We’re going to need a volunteer,” said Peter, shading his hand over his eyes and looking out into the crowd. “No, not you. We’re not talking about that kind today,” he said to a small fourth year boy. “A girl.”

“Pst, Wormtail,” muttered Sirius, nudging him towards a blonde with her hand raised high. “Pick that one.”

“Right, you!” called Peter, gesturing for the girl to come up onstage.

The girl flounced towards the stage, giggling as she went. “What’s your name, m’dear?” asked Remus politely, as she stood awkwardly near him.

“Frieda Mitchells,” she said, almost unable to control her obnoxious laughter.

“Miss Mitchells, will you please stand near Mr. Black?” asked Remus cordially, smiling at James.

She hurried next to Sirius, and then gave a shriek of surprise as he patted her bottom. “Not yet, Padfoot,” whispered Peter. “You’re going to ruin it.”

“Mr. Black and Miss Mitchells are going to demonstrate for you all just how this act can be accomplished, starting from the very beginning,” said Remus, sounding horribly like a narrator for a nature documentary.

“First step, the kiss,” said James. “If you would?”

Sirius shrugged and then grabbed Frieda and kissed her. There was a loud masculine cheer from the audience. He swung her away and gave a bow. “Remember, boys and girls, you can never go wrong with a little bit of tongue,” concluded James. “Ain’t that right, Evans?”

Lily squirmed in her seat and glared at him.

“Now, boys, if you really want to get to the promised land, you’ve got to remember one thing- pretend you aren’t pressuring her,” continued James. “If she thinks that you’re being sympathetic, you’re more than likely going to move onto step two.”

“Step two,” announced Remus. “Copping a feel.”

“May I?” Sirius asked of Frieda.

“Um, I guess so,” she answered, adding the typical squeal of laughter at the end of her speech.

Sirius completed the “step”, and then turned back to Remus. “Alright, what next?”

“Step three,” announced James. “Giving- where did Evans go?”

All four of the Marauders turned shock white as Professor McGonagall came storming back into the Great Hall, followed by a triumphant Lily, her hands still bound. “Um, Sirius, it might be good if you let go of my breasts now,” mumbled Frieda, blushing scarlet.

“Oh, right,” said Sirius, as if he had completely forgotten what his hands were doing. “Sorry.”

“Detention and fifty points from Gryffindor EACH!” cried McGonagall as the Marauders cowered together. “What on earth were you thinking?”

“I’m sorry, Professor,” said Sirius, somehow finding the guts to get the last word in. “I guess I wasn’t thinking with my upstairs brain.”

As she led them out of the Great Hall, applause accompanying their exit, James passed Lily, who was still looking as proud as a peacock. “You can wipe that smirk of your face, Evans,” he said. “Because trust me, this “funny business” was totally worth it.”

“Really, Potter?” said Lily, totally unimpressed by his bravado. “You’ll have to tell me that again when you’re done with your punishment.”

“A couple of detentions?” he scoffed. “It may seem like the end of the world to you, but it’s really not that big of a deal.”

“We’ll see if you have the same opinion when you find out what you’re going to be doing,” said Lily, obviously quite pleased at how dreadful their punishment was going to be.

“Oh, yeah?” said James. “What’s that?”

“Sexual education classes with Professor Binns.”

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