Chapter 42 : Monster
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My hate for Fenrir increased to an exploding point. There was nothing more I wanted now than to kill him. I wanted him to hurt so much he would be begging for death!
The pain stopped ceased, but the cries of agony still continued. My head spun, and I was trying to tell myself to stop screaming, but I couldn't. That's when I realised, my vision slowly coming back, that it wasn't me that was screaming, it was Fenrir!
"Help!" he screamed out. "Make it stop!" He was twisting on the ground, holding his head as if it were about to explode. "Stop it!" he pleaded. His voice was rasp and loud, so loud I had to cover my ears. I was sure I saw a tear escape his eye, but then again, my vision wasn't the best at the moment.
What's going on? I wondered to myself. My eyes suddenly grew wide with realization. It was me who was hurting him, just as I had done to Snape. Oh God, how was I supposed to stop it?
"Uh," I said. "Stop!" I held up my hand, like I was comanding something to stay. It didn't work, Fenrir was still on the ground pleading, writhing in pain. I thought I heard a laughing voice in my head, but I wasn't sure, I was too frightened. What was I supposed to do?
"Calm down!" something told me. My conscience?
Calm down? I wondered. Oh... right. I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath, letting the air fill my lungs to its maximum level, then let it out slowly. I did it again and again, and soon, the screaming lessened, and finally stopped. I heard the panting from Fenrir on the floor. I opened my eyes, relief washing over me. I sighed heavily, wishing that my heart would stop trying to jump out of my chest.
Fenrir stared at me with wide, frightened eyes. I wasn't sure how long we stared at each other, but it surprised me when he moved. He shook his head and stood up quickly, brushing off dust flakes from his clothes. Bits of his hair stuck up at odd angles as he searched for his wand. He picked it up quickly from under an old, chipped end table, his breath still short and ragged.
"Er.." he said. "Right, on with the training."
My hands were shaking and my jaw trembled, I was glad he was avoiding eye contact, because I couldn't help but stare at him. What happened? What had I done?
The lesson went on as if nothing had happened, but I saw him occassionally glance at me as if I were a monster. And I was a monster. Not just the kind that I used to be, I was something else, something more than a werewolf.
I wasn't exactly sure what the lesson was about, considering my mind didn't want to participate. Occassionaly I heard him say things like "concentration" or "pain" and even "hate", of course, he might not have been saying that at all. . .it could have been my own mind trying to torture me.
Are you having a good summer so far? I hope so. Mine's okay, Nicole moved yesterday, though, so it's kind of quiet around my house. Say, do you know anything about strange powers that magical beings possess. It's a question on the Divination summer homework. I know you don't have Divination, but I just thought you might know. Anyways, I'm heading off to bed. Owl me back as soon as possible!
I sent the letter off quickly with my owl, watching as it soared off into the night sky outside. It was a nice night that would usually put me peacefully asleep, but this time, it didn't work. I had the same question going through my clouded mind again and again, and they wouldn't stop.
I figured I would ask Remus about this abnormalty of mine, and lie and say it was for homework. He wouldn't know the difference, hopefully. As long as James didn't tell him anything, I figured he wouldn't be able to guess what was really going on. And even if he did know as much as James did, I wouldn't expect him to guess what I possessed.
Life was difficult. And this summer was, in fact, turning out to be a very bad summer.
Little did I know that it would just be getting worse...
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