“I’m hotter,” Sirius said.
“No! I’m the hottest!” James retorted.
“Would you two please shut up? It’s 4 am and some of us are trying to sleep,” a sleepy, and grumpy, Remus said. It went silent, except for Peter’s snores.
‘At least someone can get to sleep’ Remus thought.
“I’m way hotter than you,” Sirius continued.
“No way! I’m hotter! And I bet Remus will agree with me.”
“Na, Remus is on my side…and Peter will agree with me as well.”
“Will you two please just SHUT UP!” yelled Remus, who also threw a pillow at them. It went silent again.
“Finally,” muttered Remus.
“So who do you think is hotter?” asked Sirius.
“You’re both disgustingly gruesomely fugly,” replied Remus.
“What does that mean?” asked James and Sirius. Remus sat up, knowing that the only way he would be able to get any sleep was to say something about their ridiculous argument.
“Well, there is an ugly-hot scale. It has ‘ok’ in the middle and five points on either side. If you’re on the left of ‘ok’ then well, hot. If you’re on the right of ‘ok’ then you’re, ugly.”
“What’s the five stages?” asked James.
“It goes, rugged, sexy, hot, handsome, good looking, ok, ugly, fugly, gruesomely fugly, disgustingly gruesomely fugly and Aliens took me to their ship and made me the fugliest person in the universe.” James and Sirius just sat there staring at him. Remus just rolled over and tried to get some sleep.
“I’m rugged!” Sirius yelled.
“Sure you can be rugged, but I’m on a new step I’m on Aliens took me to their ship and made me the most rugged looking person in the universe.”
“I’m on the step above that. I’m on Aliens took me to their ship and made me the most rugged person in the universe, then another alien ship, from another universe , came and took me to their ship and made me the most rugged person in both the universes.”
“Well then I’m on one higher than that. I’m on Aliens took me to their ship and made me the most rugged person in the universe, then another Alien ship, from another universe, took me and made me the most rugged looking person in both universes and then more Aliens, from another universe, took me to their ship and made me the mo-”
“-just shut up!”
“Why?” James asked.
“‘Coz I told you too.”
“Why?” Sirius asked.
“Because, you’re getting really annoying.”
“Why?” James continued.
“Because, you’re both insufferable prats.”
“Because, you have each other for a friend.”
“I rue the day I ever showed you that movie,” Remus muttered.
“What?” James asked.
“I just said…why don’t you two have a competition?”
“What type of competition?”
“Well you make a survey and hand them out to everyone in the school. They all fill it in, rating how hot they think you are. The winner is the one who everyone thinks is the hottest.”
“Why didn’t you mention this competition thing at the beginning? Then we could have gone to sleep at 2.” Remus just rolled his eyes and went to sleep.
~The next day~
“So, Remus, when are you going to make the surveys?” James asked.
“You can do it your self,” Remus replied, not looking up from his book.
“But, James and I can’t remember the scale, and you’d be better at it, and you could cast spells on it to do…stuff and-”
“-fine I’ll do it.” Sirius and James put a piece of parchment, an ink pot and a quill in front of him.
“You knew I’d say ‘yes’ didn’t you?” Sirius and James just smiled at him. Remus gave a sigh and started writing on the parchment. Sirius and James looked over his shoulder while he wrote down the scale.
“It would be easier for me to concentrate if you two weren’t breathing down my neck,” Remus said, out of the blue.
“Fine we’ll leave.” Remus heard the portrait, of the fat lady, open and close. After a few minutes Remus got up, took the equipment and went to the library. When he got there he skimmed through the shelves until he came across a charms book that seemed to have all the types of spells he needed.
~The survey day~
“Did you finish the surveys?” James asked at breakfast.
“What surveys?” asked Peter.
“Remus made a survey to see who is hotter out of me and Sirius,” James replied.
“How come no one told me about this?”
“It only started yesterday, and I guess we just didn’t realise that you didn’t know, because you’re usually always there when things like this happen.”
“Oh.” Peter then just went back to eating.
“So, did you finish them?”
“I have them right here,” Remus said while taking out a stack of parchment from his robes.
“Can we have a look?”
“You’ll get a chance to see them when they get handed out.”
“How are you going to hand them out to everyone?” James asked.
“I hope you aren’t handing them out to the Slytherins.”
“Everyone in the school is getting one, including the teachers. I put a spell on the parchment to make it so that everyone answers truthfully.”
“So then we’ll get bad marks form Slytherins and good marks from everyone else?”
“Each piece of parchment has a name and house on it. So we can see who rated you highly and who rated you poorly and we can also get an average for each year, each house and the school.”
“Wow! How’d you manage to get everyone’s name?”
“Well, if you go through those doors,” Remus said in a baby voice while pointing to the doors that lead into the entrance way.
“Then go down the hall and up the set of stairs on you right. Go down that hall turn right, go down that hall and go up the first set of stairs to your left. Then halfway down that hall you’ll find a door on the left. You go through that door, and you end up in the library. Then you go to the front desk and ask Madam Jack for the list of students currently attending. She goes and gets it for you. You look at it. Then before you leave, you return it. So simple.” James, Sirius and Peter were just staring at him.
“You memorised where the library is?” James asked.
“You know the librarian’s name?” Sirius asked.
“You returned it?” Peter asked. This time James, Sirius and Remus stared at Peter.
“Of course he returned it.”
“Marauders don’t steal.”
“And you can’t take that book out of the library.”
“Marauders don’t take any book out of the library,” Sirius said.
“Except Remus. He has to, other wise we wouldn’t be able to copy his homework.” Remus just rolled his eyes.
“When are you going to hand out the surveys?”
“I thought that maybe I’d just carry around a huge stack of parchment for the rest of my life.”
“Really?” asked Peter.
“I’m going to hand them out now, you I-D-10-T.” While Peter sat there trying to work out what I-D-10-T meant, Remus cast a spell on the parchment and they all flew off into different directions. One landed in front of each of the Marauders.
“Hey!” James yelled.
“What!” Sirius yelled.
“What’s wrong?” Remus asked with a smirk on his face.
“I thought it was a competition between Sirius and I,” James said.
“I decided that I would like to find out who people thought was the best looking Marauder.” Just then 5 pieces of parchment landed in front of Remus. Remus took a quick look at them and smiled.
“Just as I thought,” Remus muttered.
“Can I have a look?” James asked as he grabbed a hold of part of the parchments.
“He’s going to show me first,” Sirius said as he copied James.
“Neither of you are going to read these. I will only tell you the results.” Remus then took out his wand tapped the parchments and the parchments disappeared. Remus then went back to his breakfast. Sirius grabbed a fork and prodded at his food. James just crossed his arms and looked like a little baby.
“When will you tell us the results?” James asked.
“When I have found out the results myself.” Just then an alarm clock appeared out of no where.
“What’s that for?” James asked.
“It’s to tell me that all the surveys are in. I’ll just go and work out the results now.” With that Remus got up and left the common room. James just took the seat that Remus had been occupying.
~Later on during the results day~
Remus came in through the portrait hole holding a piece of parchment.
“I’ve finished calculating the results.” James, Sirius and Peter all jumped up from the comfortable couch and bombarded Remus.
“When we are seated on the couch, then I’ll tell you.” They all went and sat on the couch facing the fire.
“So who’s hotter?”
“Well out of the whole school they thought that Peter was ok, I am sexy, James is hot and Sirius is hot.”
“What!?! They thought that you were the best looking out of all of us?” James asked.
“How can that be?”
“We’re the sexiest people on earth.”
“Apparently not,” Remus said with a smile on his face.
“Do you want to find out the results from each house?”
“Well, the people in Gryffindor thought that Peter was ok, I was hot, James was hot and Sirius was hot.”
“Ravenclaw thought Peter was ugly, I was rugged, James was hot and Sirius was hot. Hufflepuff thought that Peter was ok, I was sexy, James was hot and Sirius was hot.”
“And the Slytherins?”
“They thought that Peter was fugly, I was good looking, James was ugly and Sirius was ugly.”
“How did you get such high scores?”
“That’s what people thought.”
“Why did the Ravenclaws rate you so highly?”
“Being smart has its privileges.”
“What did the teachers think?”
“Well they said that all of us were ‘ok’, that’s probably because their teachers.”
“What did Lily think of me?” asked James?
“She said that you were good looking. She also said that Peter was ok, Sirius hot and me.”
“Rugged,” said a voice behind them. They turned around and saw Lily standing behind them blushing.
A/N: I hope you enjoyed this one shot.