Chapter 11 : Concern, Clothes and Compliments
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What You Get
Oh my god.
She is here?
Whilst in my rather huge state of disbelief, Lavender must’ve noticed me, because she suddenly screamed, “Hermione! Oh my God, how are you?!”
Cue a ridiculously fake look of concern and a bone-breaking hug.
Those being given by Lavender, not me of course.
I wouldn’t actually even pretend to care about her if she was in my position.
Wow, I’m really harsh, aren’t I?
“Oh, when Ron told me you were in here, I nearly cried…”gushed Lavender, blinking furiously.
‘Nearly’? My demise isn’t quite worthy of your tears, huh?
Well, there’s a huge surprise!
“…I mean – we were such good friends at Hogwarts…”
Er, where were you when we were at Hogwarts, Lavender? ‘Cause the place I was in did not include us being ‘such good friends’.
“…The thought of you dying is just so devastating…”
Not to you surely?
“…And I really do hope that we can keep in contact now…”
Over my dead body!
Although, considering how close I was to being just that, perhaps I shouldn’t be quite so flippant about it…
“…Because I love you like a sister Herm’…”
Oh God, please don’t let that be true!
And ‘Herm’’? What the hell?!
“…And since I’m going to be Ron’s new assistant at the Ministry…”
You know, if you keep on lying Lavender, your tongue is going to turn black and crumble out of your mouth and-
Hang on, what?!
“…I think it’d be great if we got better acquainted again!”
Lavender Brown is going to be working for Ron Weasley?
The same Ron Weasley who works in the same department as me?
That’s no fair!
“Y-you’re going to be working for Ron?” I stammered.
Lavender gave me one of the most sugar-coated, sickly-sweet smiles I have ever seen in my life.
“Yes, isn’t that great?!”
Since when have I been American?
“-And maybe this time, you and Ron will be able to be in the same room together without needing to snog each others’ faces off every two seconds, ha ha ha.”
Cruel, but it had to be said.
I saw Ron turn red but Lavender didn’t look at all embarrassed. In fact, she looked strangely triumphant…
Oh, that little b-
“Ahh, still cracking jokes, Hermione, just like you did at Hogwarts-”
“-It’s nice to see that you haven’t stopped trying to get attention through being funny, even though you’re much hotter now than you ever were at Hogwarts!”
I saw Harry raise his eyebrows incredulously out of the corner of my eye.
Oh, you’ve gotta love this girl!
*Insert sarcastic look here*
Lavender didn’t look remotely abashed at her previous statement and was now looking at a photo of me, Harry and Ron at Harry’s 21st birthday party, which I assume was put there by my parents or Mrs Weasley (perhaps in case I’d lost my memory when I hit my head on that very hard wall, and needed reminding as to who my friends were? Well, one of my friends, anyway. I’m not quite sure what Ron counts as…).
“I love how you’ve worn that type of jean – it disguises really well the fact that you actually have quite a big bum,” she said, turning round and smiling at me.
I could actually feel my jaw dropping.
What is her deal?!
And, excuse me? ‘Big bum’?! Moi?! I do not have a big bum, you thoughtless, big-bum hating, embarrassment-causing scarlet wom-
Oh, I see what she’s doing, the conniving little cow!
Well, two can play that game…
Smirking slightly, I said back to her, “Thanks so much! But tell me, what have you used to cover-up that acne on your chin with, because whatever you’ve used, it’s really good – you can hardly see it at all!”
Lavender’s nostrils flared and her lips thinned as she fought to stop her embarrassment showing on her face,
Ha ha, gotcha!
“It’s a variation of evanesco I’ve been working on,” she all but snarled back at me.
“Once I’ve got it just right, I’ll lend it to you so you can cover up all those black-heads on your nose!”
Oooh, someone’s gotten a bit touchy!
But I can do better...
“Mmm, yeah I know; they are a bit obvious. I wanna get them cleared up before I go out clubbing with Ginny-”
A lie (about the club-part, not the black-heads part) but how’s she ever gonna know?
Unless Ron tells her…
Oh like he would even be paying that much attention to me!
(Only in my head though – Lavender would probably be quite alarmed if I snorted out-loud at something as mundane as saying I was going clubbing. In fact, she’s probably snorting in her head right now at the idea of me clubbing! But I could club. I could be the bestest damn club-ee England – no, the world! – has ever seen! If I actually liked dancing and didn’t act like a fool when I’m drunk…)
“- because I’m planning on, you know, er, pulling someone there. In the club.”
Ron’s ears suddenly pricked up (not literally of course) at this and he looked at me almost accusingly.
Oh yes, Ronald Weasley, Hermione Granger is gonna start livin’ it up!
Well, I’m going to pretend to be going to whilst Lavender Brown is in the room at least.
Maybe Ron’s jealous!
Ha, wouldn’t that be a funny thought!
Maybe he’ll get a taste of his own medicine.
Oh, revenge is sweet!
“In fact, your top would be perfect for the theme! Where did you get it from?”
Lavender looked down at her bright pink blouse, with purple embroidery on the sleeves, and said, “Oh I got it from that new place that’s opened in Diagon Alley. You know, the one opposite Flourish and Blotts. They’ve got some real nice stuff in there and it’s dead cheap! I’m sure you’d be able to afford it! So, what’s the theme?”
“Tarts and Vicars,” I responded sweetly.
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