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To Lose It All by Nessa Elendil
Chapter 22 : June 30, 1984
Rating: 15+Chapter Reviews: 2

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A/N: Yeah, I know, I should have updated sooner. But there was hardly anything that didn't change as I was editing the chapter. I think it turned out much better than what I originally had though.

The landscape outside was a blur as the Hogwarts Express rattled closer to London, and home. Jasmine was sitting in a compartment with Nymphadora and the rest of her students, another year having been successfully spent learning as little as possible from her "classes". The students were either sleeping, reading, or playing a game. Jasmine, however, was absorbed in her own thoughts; pulling out a piece of parchment, quill, and ink from her bag, she began to write a letter she could never send, but in it was what she needed to say.

What is it, they say? That your first love is the one you will never forget? I don't know if that is true, or not, but what I do know is that I would give nearly anything to have things back the way they were. I miss how it was at Hogwarts, things were so simple, we were so carefree. I miss you, and Sirius, and James, Lily, and Harry too. I don't miss our love though, even if I will never forget it, because now, I'm not so sure that it was so different from the love I felt for James. I think, though, that we both wanted something, enough to convince ourselves we had found it in each other. I still think about you, every day in fact; I wish I could see you again, hear your voice. You were always so reassuring, made all of us feel safe, I think. Has it really been three years? Life before now seems so distant, like a memory, a memory half-forgotten, like a dream. Did any of it really happen? I'm nearly sick thinking about it... Even if I love you only like a brother, I still love you. I love all of you, I miss you so much, Remus. I wish I could see you again, just to know that some things in this world are real...
Yours, Forever and Always,
Jasmine (a.k.a. Tips)~

As the train began to slow, Jasmine peered out the window and saw King's Cross. Haphazardly, she shoved the letter into her bag and shrunk her niece's trunk as the train stopped.

Nymphadora was happy to be home again, that was obviously as she began nearly dragging her aunt off the train.

Standing to the side, Jasmine watched, smiling, as Nymphadora ran into her parents' waiting arms. Nymphadora laughed as her father lifted her off the ground in a hug to plant a kiss on her cheek, and just about screamed as her mother must have been trying to break her in two she was hugging her daughter so hard.

Subconsciously, Jasmine laid a hand over her stomach, knowing a child would never grow there, in her womb. That was the reason her godson and niece were so important to her, they were the closest to her own children as she could ever get. And she had wanted a child since she was sixteen, when it happened.

It was the first of two hexes her mother had ever used on her, on that night she and Sirius ran away. That curse, with what it was and where it hit her, she was lucky it didn't destroy more than what it did, lucky that the rest of her could be repaired.

Ted had taken Nymphadora's trunk, and was leading his daughter to the car while having his ear chatted off by her. Jasmine had to shake her head, her niece could be the shyest girl at times, but once she felt comfortable in her surroundings, getting her to shut up for half a minute was a feat all its own; although she doubted she'd ever tire of hearing her niece's voice.

She cast her eyes back to the ground, not really thinking about anything, except Harry. She only looked up when she sensed someone approaching her, and was met with the sight of her sister's face.

"It's nice to have you back, Jas," Andromeda told her, pulling her sister into a tight hug.

Jasmine returned it. "It's nice to be back." But her tone matched her feelings, not her thoughts of being back with her family.

"Come." Andromeda pulled back and put a hand on Jasmine's back, and gave a gentle guiding push in the direction of the car. She would have followed her baby sister immediately, but bent to pick up a piece of folded parchment that fell out of Jasmine's bag. The writing on the front must have been hurried since Andromeda, who was excellent at reading even Ted's messy chickenscratch handwriting, couldn't read it; but the first letter looked to be an 'M'. "She never remembers to owl her letters," Andromeda said to herself, sticking the parchment in her pocket.


On the way home, the Tonks family (Jasmine had, for a while now, been toying with the notion of changing her surname to 'Tonks' since she stopped viewing marriage to anyone - magic or Muggle - as an option. Ted had, when Jasmine presented this idea in the form of a joke, said something about not wanting to be related to his wife's sister by anything more than marriage, and sharing a name was something more. That remark was found by Jasmine and Nymphadora as funny, but Andromeda scoffed at it) stopped at Diagon Alley for something. Andromeda, unknown to Jasmine, wanted to send the letter, and Ted and Nymphadora took Fuzzy to the pet shop to look around. Jasmine decided to stay in the Leaky Cauldron. Normally, Andromeda wouldn't have allowed it, because she didn't like Nymphadora seeing her aunt - to whom she looked up to - drinking, but she could tell from Jasmine's tone at Platform 9 3/4 that she could really use it, even if she highly disapproved, and Andromeda never kept anything stronger than butterbeer at the house.

Jasmine barely had time to take a few sips of her second Firewhiskey - being best mates with three boys about twice her own size did have more effect on her than most would assume - when Ted, Andromeda, and Nymphadora came back into the pub not twenty minutes later. Of the three of them, only the youngest was carrying anything, a bag of cat treats and her cat, and her hair was forest green since her mother had been badgering her about the vivid pink.

"Just a minute," Jasmine called. She tipped her bottle up and downed the rest of the drink in one go. Slapping the bottle back on the counter, she said, "Wow, I'm gonna feel that come morning." But she smiled anyways.

Andromeda huffed, but her sister only replied, "Well, just because I can keep it down doesn't mean I usually drink stuff that strong that fast."

"And how you can still function normally is beyond me."

Jasmine just shrugged.

"Hey, Jas, starting to feel that Firewhiskey yet?" Ted asked in a teasing manner as the four people headed to the front door of the Tonks home.

"Show me where you left your shoes and we'll see."

"Alright, that's enough from the both of you. Jasmine, I think you should go sleep that off," Andromeda interrupted their joke with a stern tone, muttering about alcoholism and disgusting habits.

Jasmine heeded her sister's advise and headed to her room. Throwing her bag onto her bed, she reached for the letter she wrote on the train, trying to decide on the best way to get rid of it without setting her older sister off was. But she couldn't find it.

She began ripping open the pockets in her bag, that letter held more of her feelings and emotions than she had ever let herself show, with the possible exception of the night Lily and James had died, but that was so long ago that she only remembered what happened, not what she did. After twenty minutes of relentless searching, Jasmine realized her letter wasn't there. She threw down what contents she was holding that her bag did contain as she uttered the most inappropriate word she knew before calling to her sister.


"Oh, I'll bet she's feeling it now," she muttered to herself before answering aloud. "What?"

Jasmine appeared around the corner of the wall looking as though staying calm were a feat. "Did you see a piece of parchment in my bag, or fall out of it, or something?"

Andromeda, who was holding a fresh pot of coffee, poured some in a mug. "Yes, I owled it for you."

The dark haired witch looked at the other as if she had spouted a few extra heads. "What did you do?"

"Owled it. It's not like you ever remember to do."

"Oh, shit," Jasmine said, her head falling into her arm as she sank into a seat. Her head came back up a millisecond later. "Oh, f-"

"Jasmine Black!"

"-udge," Jasmine finished, her sister's shout enabling her to catch herself just in time. "Are you sure there's nothing stronger than Firewhiskey here?"

"Jas, there's nothing stronger than butterbeer here, and you know it." She pushed the mug of coffee to her sister. "I believe this will help more than that."

"No, it won't," Jasmine said, but drank the coffee anyways.

Andromeda sat across from her sister. "Do you want to tell me what was so important about that letter?"

"Not really, no. I'll just go back to my room. 'Night."

"Good night, hun."

When Jasmine got back to her room, she closed the door behind her and leaned against it, muttering "stupid, stupid" as she lightly banged her head against it. Finally getting over it, she told herself, "I'll be having headache enough when I wake up, might as well worry about that now." and crawled into bed, bothering only to change into pajamas and shove her bag and its remaining contents to the floor first.

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