Chapter 1 : Hallelujah: A Story of Lost Love
| ||Rating: 15+||Chapter Reviews: 33|
Change Background: Change Font color:
Lyrics: Leonard Cohen
Performed by: Jeff Buckley
I heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
"God Sev, you are B-O-R-I-N-G. Boring!" Lily said as she was lying on her bed, head hanging over the side.
"What? Why can't we just sit in peace every once in a while. I can't talk 24/7. I'm not a 13 year old girl like you," Severus said from his position sitting next to Lily's head on the floor.
"Oh come on Sev. Let's at least listen to music or something" Lily said and rolled off the bed.
"Music? I don't like music" Sev said a little sneer.
"You're kidding me right? Who in Merlin's beard doesn't like music?" Lily asked with her hands flying all over the place.
"Obviously me, since I just told you," Severus said with exasperation.
"Well you obviously haven't heard any good music. I mean wizarding music isn't exactly the greatest thing ever. Muggle music is the way to go. Ever heard of the Beatles?"
"The Rolling Stones?"
"Bob who?" Severus said, enjoying getting her worked up.
He thought it was cute.
"Sev, what am I going to do with you?" Lily asked and then briskly walked to the opposite side of her room.
"You are about to get a free lesson in the Lily Evans School of Rock" Lily said and dropped a box full of albums on her bed.
Well it goes like this the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall and the major lift
The baffled king composing hallelujah
"I really hate him," Severus said while he and Lily were sitting with their toes in the lake.
"Sev, don't worry about him. You know how he is. He just likes the satisfaction of getting you worked up" Lily said and gave him a reassuring shoulder squeeze.
"But you don't understand. It happens everyday. Between Potter and Black, I can't escape it. I have to watch around every corner, have eyes in the back of my head. And then Lupin just stands there and looks the other way while that idiot Pettigrew does whatever those pricks say," Severus said, his body temperature rising with every word.
"Sev, I'm sorry you feel like this. Maybe I should just say yes to one of Potter's dates and then he won't bully you so much," Lily suggested.
"You're kidding me right? I would never put you in that situation. I can handle my own business. I would never do that to you" Sev said, his body tense from the mention of Lily going on a date with Potter.
"I suppose you're right. I can't stand the prat. I probably wouldn't make it out of a date alive," Lily said with a laugh.
"Speaking of the prick, he's spotted you. How many times has he asked you out?"
"This will be the 6th in the past two days we've been at Hogwarts. And it will be the 6th time I've said no" Lily said waiting for the moment Potter would approach her.
"So Evans, teaching Snivellus how to take a bath? Don't bother. It's been 15 years and he still hasn't got it," James said from behind them.
"Potter are you always watching me? It's starting to get very stalker-esque," Lily said without even turning to look at James.
"Evans, I'm insulted. If you would just go on a date with me then maybe I would stop" James said and took a seat next to Lily.
Severus scoffed and rolled his eyes.
"You think that's funny Snivelly?" Sirius said from behind.
Lily and Severus didn't even know he was there.
"It's more pathetic than funny. Is he really that dull? She's said no over one hundred times and he still doesn't get it" Severus said and then looked at Lily who was smiling.
"You've gotten mouthy over the summer Snape. Maybe a good kick into the lake will set you straight" Sirius said and went to kick him.
Lily quickly reached out and grabbed his leg.
"Kick him and you don't even want to imagine what will happen to you," Lily said viciously.
"Whoa Evans. Are you his girlfriend or something?" Sirius asked and pried his leg out of her grip.
"And what if I am?"
"I think I would have to drown myself in the lake," James said.
"Well in that case" Lily said and then leaned over and kissed Severus.
Sev was frozen and wide eyed as Lily kept her lips on his.
"Ugh, Prongs that's gross. I'm not going to watch this" Sirius said and then walked away.
Nobody saw but James for once, wasn't an egotistical prat, he was an actual human being who had actual feelings.
"Whatever Evans. I'll see you around" he said and then ran to catch up with Sirius.
Lily took her lips off Severus's and saw that he was blushing.
"Sorry bout that. But it worked" Lily said and splashed some water with her foot.
Sev didn't say anything. He was afraid if he moved that his heart would explode.
Well your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
"Where the hell is she?" Severus thought as he walked the halls of Hogwarts.
He and Lily had prefect duties together tonight and he was really looking forward to it. He loved the talks they had and the feeling of the castle at night. It was one of his favorite times. But he was worried now because he still hadn't seen her and it had been a half hour. Ever since Lily had kissed him, he had wanted more of her. Not in a sexual way. He wanted to hear her talk more. He wanted to make her laugh more. I wanted to stare into those beautiful emerald eyes more. He just wanted to be by her more.
He was walking by the windows on the second floor when he saw a shadowy figure moving across the grounds.
"Bloody kids. Why can't they stay in their dorms for one damn night?" Sev said with aggravation.
He bounded down to the grounds and found that the shadowed figure was now at a stand still at the edge of the lake. As he got closer to the mystery person, he started to make out details of the person by the moon light. He hadn't even realized until then that it was a full moon. When he was about fifteen feet away, he realized who it was. He could recognize that red hair anywhere.
"Lily?" Severus said softly but it still made her jump.
"Severus? How did you find me?" she asked with a shaky voice.
She wiped her face but Sev had already seen the tears that were running down it.
"Lily, what's wrong?" he asked and put a hand on her arm.
"Oh, nothing Sev. Just had a bad day" Lily said and tried to put a smile in her voice.
There was no way that she could tell Severus what she was bothering her. She had never felt so conflicted in her whole life. Today she had almost said yes to one of James Potter's dates. She knew why, she didn't want to believe it but she had feelings for James. But Sev was her best friend and if she started dating Potter, it would tear Sev apart and hurt their friendship.
"Are you sure?" Severus asked.
Even though her face was tear stained, he had never seen Lily look so beautiful. Her pale skin was glowing against the moon light and she seemed so serene and goddess like. Sev had it bad. He knew at that moment he would never stop loving Lily Evans.
"I'm positive Sev. Everyone needs a good cry every once in awhile" Lily said and shivered slightly.
A loud howl rang throughout the grounds and both of their bodies tensed. Sev and Lily knew Remus Lupin's secret. But Lily didn't know Sev knew, and Sev didn't know that Lily did.
"Let's head in. We have our rounds to make" Severus said and Lily nodded her head and followed, linking her arm with his.
She tied you to her kitchen chair
She broke your throne and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the hallelujah
One year and six months. That is how long it had been since Lily Evans had spoken to Severus Snape. Severus's life had been hell since the day he called Lily a mud blood. He's someone he doesn't want to be. A Death Eater. He didn't belong with them, but they accepted him. The only other person that ever accepted him would never talk to him again. Lily's life was going very well. She was Head Girl and James Potter's girlfriend. After she ended her friendship with Severus, she saw no reason why she had to hide her feelings anymore. Severus hurt her like no other. And James protected her. They were in love. But James wasn't the only one who loved Lily. Severus stilled loved her as much as he ever did. Love like that didn't just go away. He would never find anyone like Lily again. And he screwed it up and lost her to Potter.
It was a cold November day that Severus decided to spend outside. Not because he liked to freeze his limbs off but because he liked to watch from a distance. He watch Lily and Potter walk along hand in hand. Potter must have just said something funny because Lily was laughing. Even from the distance that he was, her laugh still made him warm inside. It was infectious. Sev watched them make their way toward Black, who was with his girl of the week, and Lupin and Pettigrew, who didn't seem to be enjoying the weather. Snape got a little courage and moved closer. He wanted, he needed to know what she was saying. He could care less about the others. They were just obstacles to get to Lily. It reminded him of when he would watch her from a far when they were little, before they were friends.
"Prongs, I can't believe you did it. What did your parents say?" Black asked.
"They don't know yet. We're going to tell our families during Holiday break" James said and gave Lily a squeeze.
"Well" Lupin said, his jacket covering his face from the wind.
"Well what?" Lily asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Well, are we going to see the ring? We’ve only heard about it for the pass couple weeks," Lupin said and Severus could tell that he was thoroughly annoyed with the wind.
"A ring? It couldn't possibly be… Lily would never…" Sev thought.
Lily took off her left glove and showed her hand to the group. Severus saw it. It glittered even though there wasn't any light. It was better than anything Severus could get her. Potter had money, he didn't. It tore him apart to see Lily look so happy with someone other than him. He want to crawl out of his skin at that moment. He wanted to go over there, take the ring off her finger, and whisk her away, to be his forever. Not Potter's. But he couldn't do that. He couldn't do that to Lily, who was the happiest he had ever seen her. But now he knew it really was true. He could never have Lily Evans for his own.
Baby I've been here before
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you
He was too late. The Death Eaters had already gotten to them. He walked the floors of the Evans' house, but it was no longer the Evans' home because Mr. and Mrs. Evans were dead. He tried to get there to warn them but he had heard about it too late. All he could do was salvage what was left of them. It was the least he could do for Lily. Even though he hadn't seen her in a year, he felt the same as he did before. Never ending love. Marlene McKinnon had just died recently and he knew that she was one of Lily's closest friends. And with the death of her parents now, he just felt bad and wanted to do all he could. Even though she didn't recognize his existence. He knew that because of her parents' death that any relationship she had with her sister was forever ruined. Snape knew that she was supposed to be getting married soon, but he didn't even know if Lily knew about her parents yet. They had died no later than an hour before.
It was apparent that the Death Eaters showed no mercy to them. They were muggles, they didn't deserve mercy. Severus knew that Bellatrix must have been there. It looked like her work. Always playing with her food before eating it. He felt responsible to do something for Mr. and Mrs. Evans. They had been nothing but nice to him. He had sat on their couch, ate at their table, drank from their cups. He couldn't let Lily see them like this. Then he heard the pop that would haunt him for the rest of his days.
"What are you doing here?" Lily asked her voice shaky with misery and anger.
"I…I'm…Lily, I'm sorry" Severus said, shocked by the sudden appearance.
"Severus, how could you? Why?" Lily asked hysterically.
"No! No, I did not do this" Severus said shaking his head so fast he got a headache.
"Then why do you have blood all over you? How…How could…" Lily said before collapsing against a wall.
She was shaking uncontrollably and hyperventilating. Severus went down to help her but he heard two more pops and was quickly slammed up against a wall.
"I'll kill him if you want me too. Just give me the word. I'll be glad to go to Azkaban as long as I know this bastard is six feet under" Sirius Black said in a low dark tone.
"Just keep an eye on him Padfoot. Lily, are you ok?" James said, his voice never sounding so scared.
She seemed to calm down since James and Sirius had got there.
"James…they're dead. They're gone," Lily sobbed into his shoulder.
"It's going to be ok. We'll get through this. Come on let's go back to my parents' house. The Ministry will be here soon" James said and went to help her up.
"Prongs what about him?" Sirius asked and tightened his hold.
"Take him back to Headquarters. I'm sure Dumbledore or Mad-Eye will want to talk with him."
"But I didn't kill them. I had nothing to do with it," Severus said, not to Black or Potter, but to Lily and she knew it.
"Like hell you did. It looks like you took a bath in their blood" Sirius spat.
"You're going to be going to Azkaban very soon. Great day for us when one less Death Eater is around" James said while supporting Lily with one arm.
"Let him go" Lily said with power in her quiet voice.
"What? But Lily he…" Sirius started but Lily cut him off.
"He didn't kill them. Just let him go," she said, her voice draining out.
"Are you sure?" James asked.
"Yes and don't ask me again" Lily said and them Sirius let go of Severus.
"Thank you Lily. You know I…" Sev said but didn't get to finish.
"Don't talk to me. After tonight, I don't ever want to see or speak to you ever again. Leave now before the Ministry comes" Lily said with contempt in her voice.
He was going to try and talk sense into her but as soon as he opened her mouth, all three dissapparated. He wanted nothing more than for Black to come back a blast him into oblivion. But he wasn't lucky enough for that.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
But love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah
Severus had gone into a semi-hiding since the death of Lily's parents. He knew that if it weren't for her, he would be sitting in Azkaban now, possibly could have gotten the Dementor's Kiss. Some times, he wishes he would have. He still loved Lily Evans, who from what he heard, had just become Lily Potter. It made him sick to his stomach to think about it. However, Lily was happy and after all, she did for him, he had to be happy for her. But today he was nervous. He and some fellow Death Eaters were setting out to do what else, but kill people. Lately, Dumbledore's puppets were showing up where ever the Death Eaters were. And Severus had a bad feeling something was going to happen tonight.
"Snape, let's go. The Dark Lord wants a meeting first," Lucius Malfoy yelled to Severus.
"Great" Severus thought. This means that something in their plan is going to change.
The Death Eaters collected in the common area and formed a circle incorporated with Lord Voldemort's chair. He was waiting in silence until everyone was settled.
"Tonight, we are going to put an end to Dumbledore's Order."
Severus took in a sharp breath and tried not to let on that he was startled.
"They are becoming an annoyance and interference. Now it is time that they are stopped. Tonight we are leading the Order into a trap," Voldemort said with a sneer and defiance.
"Everyone will be assigned a person from the Order. Your mission will be to kill if I tell you to kill and capture if I tell you to capture."
"Lucius, kill Benjy Fenwick. Travers, kill Emmeline Vance. Rosier, capture Sirius Black. Rodulphus, kill Caradoc Dearborn. Rabastan, capture Frank & Alice Longbottom. Avery, kill Edgar Bones. Nott, kill Remus Lupin. Amycus, capture Dorcas Meadowes. Alecto, kill Sturgis Podmore. Crouch, kill Elphias Doge. Dolohov, kill the Prewetts. Wilkes can help you. Severus, capture James Potter. And Bellatrix, kill Lily Potter."
Voldemort's words cut Severus like a sharp knife.
"Pettigrew will be there. Try not to kill him. We may still need him after this. Tonight will be great. Tonight we will dominate."
"Oh, how I love killing mud bloods. Rodulphus, should I play with her for a little bit, or just go right in for the kill?" Severus heard Bella ask her husband.
If he heard anymore, he was going to puke. Even if Bellatrix didn't finish her job, which was unlikely, he still had to capture James Potter. And that meant a certain death for the man he hates, but it's also the man Lily loves.
"Be prepared! The Order will be here any minute! When they set foot, we strike!" Malfoy yelled.
And with in 30 seconds, the Death Eaters heard consecutive pops and the battle was on. Severus was frozen solid as he watched the site before him. He never had a problem fighting before, but this was different. The Order seemed semi-prepared for this ambush. Not all the members were there though. Vance, Podmore, and the Prewetts weren't there. Neither was Lupin, which made sense because there was a full moon tonight. But Severus saw her. Lily was here, she was already battling with Bellatrix, and Potter was right by her side. But with the lack of Order members here, meant more pressure on the ones that were. Severus had to do something. He had to stop Bellatrix. He started forward, right towards Lily. He didn't even notice anyone around him. Then about 15 feet before he reached his destination, something disturbing happened. He didn't know how Lucius did it, but he blew Benjy Fenwick up into little pieces. And Severus had the misfortune of walking right into it. The blood of Fenwick drenched Severus, and pieces of bone hit him like shrapnel. This would disturb Severus for the rest of his life. He had seen a lot of people die, but none like this. But this didn't deter Severus, it only gave him more ambition. If Malfoy could do that to Fenwick, he didn't want to know what Bellatrix, the most vicious of them all, could do to Lily. It was time for him to take action.
"Stupify!" Severus thought and a red beam surged out of his wand and hit Bellatrix square in the back and she fell like a ton of bricks.
Emotions always made spells stronger. Severus approached Lily and James as quick as he could. There eyes went wide at the sight of him. What they saw was Snape who was covered in blood and human fragments. They didn't even know that what was on Severus was once Benjy Fenwick.
"Get out now" Severus said in a low voice.
"What?" Potter asked, looking a little horrified.
"Get out of here. Don't hesitate."
"Why are you telling us this? Is it another trap?" Potter asked again.
"If you stay, Lily will die and I'm supposed to capture you Potter. If I capture you, you will end with the same fate" Severus said quickly and made eye contact with Lily.
"We can't leave everyone behind…" Potter started.
"Then take them with you. One person has already died, do you want more?" Severus cut in sharply then turned away.
He couldn't wait there while they made their decision. But he knew they'd make the right one. Lily was not going to die tonight. It was not meant to be.
Well there was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show that to me do you
It had been about four months since the night Severus saved the Order and Lily couldn't stop thinking about it. She never said a word to him, never thanked him. Before she thought Severus, her one time best friend, was the scum of the Earth. But now, she just didn't know. Why did he save them that night? The Order could have easily been taken down that night. Of course they lost Benjy Fenwick and Dorcas Meadowes was captured. They assume she's dead. She would have to be by now. But Lily was supposed to die that night. A lot of people were supposed to die that night. But thanks to Severus, most of them were still alive. Nobody believed Lily and James when they told them what happened. Sirius actually laughed in there face. They had to use a pensieve to prove it.
But since that night, a strain had been put on Lily and James's marriage. It was not James's fault at all. Lily just was not the same person she was before. She had a desperation to talk to Severus, to thank him, to hug him, to have the relationship they had before. It was a battle she fought with daily, a battle she would never let James know about. But Lily tried to put her thoughts aside. She was pregnant now, a fact she and James just learned the previous night. And after all, she was a married woman. She couldn't think about another man. Lily knew in her heart why Severus saved them. She knew that Severus loved her. And over the past for months, she realized that she loved Severus. A fact she tried to hide, but day by day, it was becoming harder to suppress. But she had one memory she could keep. It was something only she and Severus knew about. She had and always would have it. But she also knew that it was all she had, because she and Severus were not meant to be.
But remember when I moved in you
And the holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was hallelujah
"Severus come with me. I have something amazing to show you," a 15-year-old Lily said as she whisked Severus away.
"It better be something good. I have a load of homework waiting for me," Severus said trying not to show too much excitement.
After about three minutes, they stopped before a blank wall.
"What is this?" Sev asked confused.
Why would Lily bring him to stare at a wall?
"Just hold your horses," Lily said and started to pace in front of the wall.
Severus watched her intently and after about six paces, a door suddenly appeared out of nowhere.
"How did you do that?" Severus asked as Lily opened the door.
"All I had to do was use my brain."
Lily waited for Sev to enter the room and then closed the door.
"This is the Room of Requirement. All you have to do is pace in front of it and think of what you want. I guess it pays of sometimes to follow the Marauders" Lily said and sat down on a big red couch.
"When were you following the Marauders?" Severus asked and tried to hide his jealousy.
"The other night. I saw them sneaking out and I just wanted to make sure they weren't breaking too many rules," Lily said with a smile.
"Isn't this nice Sev. We can come in here and nobody can bother us. We can study, talk, and do the things we used to do. Nobody can make fun of us for hanging out" Lily said with excitement and noticed Severus was starting at her when she looked at him.
"What? Do I have something on my face?" Lily asked and subconsciously started to wipe her face.
"No, your face is fine" Severus said with a smile, even though he started to blush.
"Then what is it. I didn't know you had a staring problem."
"Did I ever tell you how beautiful you are?" Severus asked and sat on the couch with Lily.
"What? Sev you're making me blush" Lily said with a small-embarrassed laugh.
"I don't know. I just thought I'd tell you the truth."
"Well, thank you. It's nice to hear every once in a while."
"Lily, do you remember that time that you kissed me?" Severus asked.
"That time a couple months ago?"
"Yea, that time. Why did you do it?"
"I don't know. I thought it would get Potter away from us."
"But that's it? You didn't do it for any other reason?" Severus asked.
"I don't know Sev. It was spur of the moment," Lily said with a shrug.
"Oh" Severus said and got nervous all the sudden.
They sat there in silence for a couple minutes until Sev spoke again.
"What Sev?" Lily asked and looked at him.
Severus leaned in quickly and kissed Lily with all the emotion he had. And to his surprise, Lily seemed to enjoy it. They broke away and Lily looked at him again. This time her emerald eyes pierced his brown ones.
"What was that?" Lily asked.
"I don't know. I guess it was just spurred of the moment," Severus said with a smile.
The rest was history. The next day Sev told Lily that he loved her. Lily told him that she didn't feel the same. Then Severus called her a mud blood. And that's when their friendship ended. But Lily kept this memory of her Severus because it was a happy time before everything was messed up. It was a time she never wanted to forget.
Well, maybe there's a god above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
He had to sit down. He had to breathe. He had to think. He had to do something. But he knew he couldn't do anything. A death wish had been put over James and Lily Potter's head, all because of their one-year-old child. Severus knew why of course. He had heard the prophecy. The Dark Lord knew now. And all Severus could do was beg Albus Dumbledore to save Lily. And that didn't go very well either. All he knew now was that the Potters were in hiding and it was most likely that Sirius Black was their secret keeper. Voldemort was ready to do anything to get at them. He had Death Eaters stationed outside their house at all times. Even though it seemed that the house was no longer there, Death Eaters were always there incase something happened. The Dark Lord had already gotten to Frank & Alice Longbottom. He sent the Lestranges and Crouch to do his dirty work. What did the Longbottoms' do wrong? They had a son on a certain day. They aren't dead, they were just tortured into insanity. Most people would probably take death than what they got. But there were no maybes with the Potters. Voldemort wanted them dead. And that's what was going to happen. It made Severus vomit just thinking about it. After all he had tried to do to keep Lily safe. All the years, he spent with her, without her.
It's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah
It was all over. Lily and James Potter were dead. Sirius Black was a traitor and a murderer. The Dark Lord was now gone, defeated by a 1-year-old child. And Severus's mission in life now was to protect Lily's only child. Protect Harry Potter. The Boy Who Lived. The boy that replicates James Potter in everyway. Except his eyes. He has Lily's eyes. And that's all Severus had now. Severus blamed himself for Lily's death. Not for any reason anyone would think of. It was for a reason only he and Lily knew. For if his answer was different, it may have saved Lily all together.
"Does it make a difference, being Muggle-born?"
"No. It doesn't make any difference."