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Oh, you idiot! by secretlyforbidden
Chapter 3 : She's a Few Fries Short of a Happy Meal.
Rating: 15+Chapter Reviews: 45

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Disclaimer: I own nothing but the OC's :] I'll steal Sirius.

A/N: From this point on the story will be switching from James to Lily so that you could get a glimpse of her thoughts as well.  If you could please take the time to leave a review, I really want to know if this story is good or not. Thanks again! Enjoy chapter 3! :]

"This is ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous."

"You can stop saying that now."

Even though the sight of her new common room caused Lily to feel a slight sense of hatred for it, she couldn't help but marvel at its beauty. The walls were adorned in a crimson red velvet material with golden drapes that hovered over the large window that sat between the two winding staircases. A black leather sofa and love seat sat in front of a large fireplace that had the word 'Unity' carved into the stone mantel. Lily looked to a door on her right that had the word 'Kitchen' neatly scrawled onto it. A large bookshelf sat near the back of the room with a few portraits of past Head Boys and Girls around it. Thinking positively, at least she didn't have to live in a dump with Potter. It wasn't until she had been done staring at the room did she notice Potter had left her side to wander up to his room, and she decided to do the same. Taking the steps two at a time she came to a large oak door at the top of the staircase with her name on it and a note attached. Pulling off the note she read:

I hope you find your living quarters suitable and comfortable. Make any adjustments if you would like. - Albus Dumbledore

She took a deep breath and opened the door to be welcomed into a room with Lavender painted walls, a king sized bed, and one of the biggest vanity mirrors she had ever seen that was littered with her make-up and hair brush. She also had her own book shelf, her books already set neatly on it. She took a peak into her dresser to find all her clothes folded away nicely and hung up. The house elves out did themselves this time. She had been so busy admiring her new room she almost failed to notice that there was a second door in her room. Taking a guess and thinking it was the bathroom she opened it.

"Potter? What. Are. You. Doing. In. My. Bathroom?" She asked, grounding out every word with much difficulty. James had been looking into the drawers under the granite counter top and Lily took a quick look around. His and her sinks? His and her towels and wash cloths? A large Jacuzzi tub? A shower that could easily fit ten people? She opened another door to reveal a small room where a toilet sat. Dear god there was a urinal next to it. No. No. No.

"Yes. Yes. Yes Evans. We have to share a bathroom. Oh look a urinal. Dumbledore is so thoughtful." He came behind her hearing she was mumbling to herself standing there in shock. Coming to her senses she pushed him away from her taking a quick glance at another door which must have lead to his room. She slammed her bedroom door behind her without so much as a goodnight. She quickly dressed into a pair of boy shorts and t-shirt before sliding under the covers that were just welcoming her to sleep there. She heard a door close and noticed the lights under the bathroom door were now off. She laid her head down on her pillow and drifted into a dreamless sleep.


"You know you drool a bit when you sleep."

"You came into my room?!" Lily and James were now arguing in the kitchen while eating their own breakfast. First, they fought about who got use the bathroom first and James ended up winning. He claimed he had a deadly foot fungus he had to wash off and if he didn't do it now, he might spread disease into the entire Dormitory. Lily had been so disgusted at the comment she let him go. Their second fight wouldn't have even started if the mindless twit hadn't used her shaving razor. When asked why he used her razor, he claimed it was his. It wasn't until Lily pointed out that the razor in question happened to be pink did he start mumbling things like 'Pink can be a boys color too.' and 'I could have easily mistaken that for red.' They even fought on who got to cook breakfast and decided they should just eat their own. Lily was too worried James would poison her and James was too stubborn to let her cook.

"No, just trying to get you all riled up. Your hot when your angry." Ugh. Oh what she would do to wipe that damn smirk from his face. She imagined taking a candle to his face, maybe it would melt off and he could never speak again. Muhahaha. Ha. Ha.

"Evans? I would appreciate it if you would get that cynical look off your face."

"Shut up." She set her oatmeal bowl into the sink and grabbed her bag off the counter, slinging it over her shoulder she made her way out of the common room and into the corridor. She looked down at her watch and learned she had fifteen minutes to go down to the Great Hall and see her friends before classes. Upon entering the Hall, her green eyes wandered down the Gryffindor table until she spotted a strawberry blonde head accompanied by a brunette. She set off down the table making sure to cast the Marauders a murderous glance and sat down in front of her two best friends.

Lisa Boomskin - Lily had known Lisa since she first stepped onto the train the start of her first year at Hogwarts. She was a petite girl, her small frame barely reaching five feet. She always complained about her hair, getting angry saying it couldn't choose whether it wanted be red or blonde hence the strawberry blonde look. She had honey browns eyes that were adored by everyone who knew her. Overall, she was sort of plain, but pretty all the same. Not to mention, she had the biggest crush on Remus Lupin that a girl could possible have.

Jennifer Barren - QUIDDITCH! QUIDDITCH! QUIDDITCH! Jennifer screams the bloody sport. All she can talk about is quidditch. Jennifer plays a chaser on the house team and was the only reason Lily went to the games. She stood at a good height of five foot six and constantly wore her light brown hair in a ponytail. While Lisa was a bit quiet, Jennifer was deffinetly the opposite. She was loud and could hang with the boys and be perfectly fine with it. She was good friends with the Marauders and Lily didn't know how she could stand them - other than Remus, who Lily thought was quite nice. Lily had to admire her for that.

"Hey guys." She smiled and grabbed a piece of toast off of Jennifer's plate. She received a growl from her, "Didn't get any coffee yet?" Lily let out a small laugh as Jennifer faintly nodded, nearly dozing off into her eggs.

"Hi Lily. How was your night?" Lisa wiggled her eyebrows suggestively and Lily scoffed.

"Oh please. The time Potter and I shag is when Sirius Black admits he's really a homosexual necrophiliac with three testicles."

"Well that's obviously never going to happen."

Lily looked up at her friend, "Exactly."

"Oh come on. James Potter made Head Boy. He must be smart at least."

"He's as sharp as a beach ball."

"Lily!" Lisa let out a laugh at the childishness of her friend.

"It's the truth. It would take a whole ten seconds for him to tell you everything he knows." Putting a hand through her hair and ruffling it much like James she started talking with a deep voice, "Girls. Pranks. SEX! I am so hot." They all had to laugh including Jennifer who threw some scrambled eggs at Lily's forehead.

James Potter quickly ran up to his room once Lily had left to get his bag and head down to the Great Hall. They had been bickering all morning and for the first time in seven years it was starting to get to him. I mean, why did she have to be so hostile? He really did have foot fungus... about three years ago. And he did think her razor was his. Pink is a shade down from red! Anyone could have done it. From the peek he had taken earlier when she was in the shower, James learned that Lily's room had been set up the same way as his except his walls were sporting a dark blue color. He found his bag in the corner of his room and swung it over his shoulder.

"Prongs! Your alive! I though the evil red-headed Medusa took you into her cave of doom and chained you up to die!" Good old Padfoot. Completely over dramatic, but never a dull moment. James sat down next to Sirius at their table piling food onto his plate even though he had already eaten.

"So what's gotten into Evans? You should have seen the look on her face when she came in here."

"She's a few fries short of a Happy Meal."

"A what?"

"Muggle food."


"Mails here." Remus finally looked up from his paper and coffee. James looked up as well reaching out to catch the letter dropped by his barn owl Everette. It was a letter from his parents that was similar to all the other one's he'd received through the years. There was also a letter from his younger sister:


I miss you already and it's only been two months. I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.
- James let out a small chuckle and continued the letter - Tell everybody I said hello! I cant wait to see you during winter Holidays! Love always, your adorable, cute, favorite ( and only!) sister Erin.

He handed the letter over to Sirius and Remus who laughed over the zoo comment. His mind wandered over to the topic of Lily which he received a painful shove from Sirius.

"Stop thinking about her."

He smiled because his friend knew him so well, "I was thinking. Maybe I act like a git when I'm in front of Lily." Sirius set the back of his hand against James head, checking his temperature.

"He sounds reasonable Remus... I think it's time to up the medication." Everyone laughed except James.

"I'm serious guys."

"I thought I was Sirius?"

"Sirius shut up! The pun gets old." James slapped his friend on the back of the head, receiving another punch to the arm.

"Remus sighed and picked up his coffee, "Prongs you are not a git, just be yourself around her. No more corny pick up lines. No more insulting her."

"Okay, I think I can do that."


Damn potions. Damn Slughorn. Damn Peter for faking sick first! Damn them all, except Lily of course.

"Hi Evans."

"What do you want Potter?" They were both sitting next to each other in the back room of their potions class much to Lily's annoyance. Slughorn had been doing nothing but talking the entire class and it was completely off the topic of potions. They had to whisper so no one would notice.

"Nothing, just casual conversation."

"I don't do casual conversation with people like you."

"Why not?"

"Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, you might leave a bloody ugly and irriversable stain."

"Can we have one civil conversation? I'm just trying to be myself." He was getting frustrated now and it was ever so clear in his voice.

"Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice."

"So what do you want me to do? Be a romantic?"

"We know that romance brings out the beast in you -- the jackass." Ignoring her, he decided to just be blunt.

"Will you go out with me?"

"No!" Her voice rising, which had gotten the attention of the people in front of her who she whispered a quick apology to.

"Rejection can lead to emotional stress for both parties involved and emotional stress can lead to physical complications such as headaches, ulcers, cancerous tumors, and even death! So for my health and yours, JUST SAY YES!"

"No Potter! I will not go out with you!" She had easily managed to get the entire classes attention including Professor Slughorn's.

"Is there a problem Ms. Evans?"

"N-n-no Professor." She stuttered. James could tell she was afraid of getting another detention.

"Well then I suggest you be quiet." He continued talking about crumple-horned snorkey-poos, or whatever it was that Xenophillius Lovegood was always raving about.

"Excuse me! May I have you attention?" It was lunch time and the Great Hall got quiet as Dumbledore stood to speak. "I would like to inform you all that three new students will be joining us today. Ariel, Damien, and Victoria Mars have come all the way from the Salem Academy of Magic in the United States of America. Please join me in welcoming them!" He smiled and began clapping his hands along with everyone else as the large oak doors  opened to reveal two girls. Two. Identical. Girls. Along with one very cute boy. Good genes.

The girls were both unmistakingly pretty with long raven hair down to about their shoulders. Even though they looked identical, you could tell they were completely different. One looked like every other Hogwarts girl in skirt and blouse, she almost looked as if she was bored and wanted to leave. The other was smiling brightly and waving to some of the boys that eyed her. As far as Lily could tell, she was the slut of the two. She had her skirt hitched up past her mid thigh, her bum nearly poking out the back. Her blouse was unbuttoned more than normal showing off a fair bit of cleavage. Lily couldn't help shuddering in disgust. The boy had hair the color of his sisters' but his was short and spiky. He was on the tall side at about 6'0 and walked like a male model. He couldn't be...nahh. Could he?




Lily had been far too busy thinking of the boy to notice that they had all already been sorted. The girl with the short skirt was already flirting it up with the Marauders while the other girl was walking a bit slower, her eyes wandering the table looking for somewhere to sit. Lily kindly got her attention and waved her and her brother over. She could faintly here Sirius Black's voice talking to the other sister. "Hey baby. I'm single. Can you believe that shit?" Lily rolled her eyes and noticed the girl and boy had sat down across from her.

"Hello, I'm Lily Evans. These are my friends Jenn and Lisa."

"Hi. I'm Victoria Mars. You can call me Vic." She smiled at them all and started shoving food on her plate before continuing talking, "I hope you guys aren't the type of girls who are afraid to eat."

"Yeah right. I'm a growing girl. I need my food." They all laughed at Jennifer who had an appetite to rival Sirius Black.

"Hey I'm Damien." He grabbed his plate and also started putting food on it.

They all talked for a while and Lily grew to learn that Vic was a really nice girl, almost as boy crazy as her sister which surprised Lily and that Damien only a 6th year at Hogwarts even though he looked like he could pass for 25. She also found out that Ariel, Vic's sister, was nothing more than an obnoxious, obsessive, possessive slut. Oh dear. Lily took a peek out of the corner of her eye and saw Ariel practically sitting on top of Potter. She felt something then.

Jealousy? Never.

She wanted to run over there and a shove a spork through her eye. That's not jealousy, haha. Is it?


"What Lisa?"

"Are you imagining Potter's death again?"

"Something like that."

"Well could you stop? You're scaring the first years?" Lily took a second to realize that there were first years sitting between her group of friends and the Marauders and they were slowly sliding down the bench away from her. Oops.

"James your so funny!" If I have to listen to that poor excuse of a laugh any longer I just might let Lily kill me. The glare she's giving is making me think about digging my own grave. James was currently trying to think of a way to get this girl - no wait, screaming banshee - off of him. Ariel had not so subtly planted herself in his lap upon arriving at their part of the table and her laughing was enough to make him want to drill a hole in his head. He had to think of a plan to get her off, but not hurt her feelings.

Plan A: Admit to her that he had a deadly foot fungus that would spread to her if she didn't step away.

Plan B: Be like James Bond. Tell her you have a mission and must leave.

Plan C: Throw her on top of Sirius and run for the hills.

He thought for a moment and decided plan A could get a bit messy if she decided to tell everyone. Plan B she might be expecting a farewell kiss. Eww. That's it, he knew what he had to do.

"You know Ariel - OH MY GOD REMUS! DO YOU HAVE FOOT FUNGUS?!" Ariel let out a scream and James threw her on top of Sirius who by the way -missed her. She ended up on top of the table, her head in the mash potatoes. James took this moment to execute a perfectly good James Bond roll off his seat and sprinted out of the hall before you could say 'butt flap'.

Sirius looked down at Ariel in the mash potatoes, "Oi! I was goin' to eat that!"

James took a deep breath once outside the Great Hall. Okay so maybe a mixture of all the plans was a bad idea. He took a moment to find his bag realizing that he left it.

"Oh piss." Fuck it. Sirius can bring it to me later.


Lily turned away laughing from the scene that had just occurred in the Great Hall to look at Damien.

"Uhh... what did you say?"

"I see someone hot." He pointed down the table at the marauders and Lily frowned. The only girl down there was his sister sitting in some mashed potatoes. Ewww, incest. Gross.

"I only see your sister." Please don't be incest. Please don't be incest. Please don't be incest.

"Not her. I'm talking about him." Lily's jaw dropped at who Damien was pointing to.

Black hair. Tall. Muscular. Heterosexual. Sirius Black.

Slightly higher voice, great posture, male model walk, hair she would die for. Oh. My. God.

Vic reached over and tapped Lily on the shoulder, "I guess I forgot to tell you my brother was gay." Lily nodded her head and Damien pointed at Sirius again.

"I think I found my new boy toy."

:] So... how was it? Be brutally honest. This chapter was almost completely Lily's POV so not much funny business going about, but the next chapter I'm pretty sure will be completely all James. :] And my Siri-poo. Damien is actually based off someone I know in real life so he'll deffinetly be in this story a lot just because I love his character. Remember to leave a review, even if it's just to say "That was funny!" or "I didn't like it!"  much love - secretlyforbidden

11/27/07 - So again I was placed into the hospital, and once again I'll be out in the next couple of days. Sorry the update is taking so long.  :/ I'll make it up to you all! :]

Chapter 4 preview:  Damien stared hard at Sirius, "I think you're hot."

Sirius' eyes widened. Boy said what? Sirius finally found his voice, "Uhh... please tell me you're Ariel's twin sister."

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