“Remember honey, men are the devil, breasts are only part of your body and nothing special, and hold onto your v-card!”
Oh dear lord. There are really some people that should not be allowed in public, my mother being one of them. I swear I’m never letting her saggy breasts and smelly armpits near my Hogwarts companions ever again. It will be a birthday party at Voldemort’s house before I let this happen.
Why can’t I just be able to board the train like a normal person? Why can’t I be chatting with my friends and chewing on my gum as I try to walk in the four inch heal shoes that I thought were a good idea the time but now upon further reflection I realize how ridiculous I look and how my feet will never be the same again.
Where o’ where is my little foreign friend?
I miss her.
She is the kim to my ono.
She is the chop to my stick.
She is the soy sauce to my rice.
She is the slingshot to my David.
She is standing right in front of me!
“Oh Yumi,” I cried throwing my arms around my friend. “You don’t know how lost I’ve been without you in my life.”
“You light up my life,” Yumi sang into my ear.
“Where is Welcome?” Yumi asked in reference to my pet turtle.
Yes, my pet turtle is named Welcome. I actually think it’s quite an endearing name. I named him Welcome because I found him on our welcome mat outside of our house in front of our door. Actually our mat fully reads ‘Welcome Jewish Bra-Burners,’ I chose to stick with Welcome, and Welcome it has been. Unfortunately Welcome has run away. That little devil, I need to put a tracking device in its shell. Oh, but Welcome likes to shed its clothes (I taught him well) and is not with his shell at all times.
“I’ll be right back it’s going to be impossible to find him though because everyone is getting settled in.” I said to Yumi as I stood up to leave our compartment.
“I’ll help you.”
“No, I mean you can only see either the ground or straight ahead of you one at a time because of the state of your eyes, I can’t jeopardize your life because of my rabble-rousing turtle.”
Yumi agreed that it would be safest for me to journey by myself, and journey I did. If only I had a machete, then life would be complete.
People are not very kind. When I go into compartments and ask if they’ve seen my turtle they give me the worst look as if they are ready to kill. Honestly, what if they lost a reptilian friend?
After encountering a group of girls who asked what skin tone my turtle had it almost didn’t seem worth it to go into the next compartment, but I remembered the way the candlelight would hit Welcome’s eyes and couldn’t help but continue my search.
I opened the compartment door with new found hope and felt like running away the second I realized it was the Marauder’s compartment I had stumbled into. They were all laughing when I walked into their compartment. Their laughter immediately died upon my entrance and they were all looking at me with their questioning eyes.
“Can I help you?” James Potter asked me as I continued to stand in the doorway.
“Yes, erm-turtle, looking for green-turtle.” I mumbled earning a snicker from Sirius Black. Oh Sirius, how you make my heart flutter. I think he may have gotten even more gorgeous, if possible.
Let’s put it this way: if Sirius were the Sun I would orbit around him all day.
“Oh, so it belongs to you.” Sirius said. Sirius pointed towards the ground and I followed his finger. There on the floor was Welcome and another turtle he was currently hugging. “I believe our turtles have become friends.”
“Seems that way,” I said awkwardly as the Marauders continued to look at me. Why can’t they look at something else? Look at the turtles, they’re hugging!
“What’s his name?”
“Welcome,” I said awkwardly.
“Welcome, that’s his name.”
“Oh,” Sirius said as he looked at his friends clearly saying with his eyes that I was insane, quick! I should take off my clothes or something! As I fumbled for the bottom of my shirt Sirius spoke up before I could reveal myself. “That’s funny because my turtles name is You’re.”
“You’re?” I said barely able to hide my glee in realizing that our turtles’ names combined make a full sentence.
“Well at first I couldn’t come up with a decent name and I would refer to it as ‘You’. Then You started making weird noises that sounded like ‘arrrrreeeee’, and so from their it became You’re.”
Unable to hide my joy at finding that Sirius had a weird story for naming his turtle I decided that I needed to tell Yumi immediately and analyze every word he has spoken trying to see if he secretly means ‘I love you.’
“Well I better be taking Welcome,” I said as I bent down to pick up my turtle. As I bent down the train suddenly lurched forward.
Oh my god.
My face is in Sirius’s crotch.
I wonder if I can get away with this without being noticed.
Of course he’s noticed! There’s no way I can get out of this without being seen.
May as well make the best of it.
I’ll just hibernate here until I’m pushed away.
Welcome just bit my ta-ta! That hurt! Doesn’t he know I don’t wear bras and the pain is direct?
As I start to soothe my ta-ta with my hand I feel someone tap me on the shoulder.
Ah! I can’t see!
Oh yeah, my face is still in Sirius’s crotch.
“Uh, would you mind removing your face.” I hear Sirius say. When I stood up he said, “What were you doing?”
“I don’t know your crotch found me.”
“No, it didn’t.”
Oh god, he thinks I’m insane. Which I am, but I’ve managed to hide this fact from his for seven years and now my cover is blown, I better book it.
“Well, I’m just going to take Welcome and be on my merry way. Thank you all for keeping him company.”
“Thank you for keeping my crotch company.”
I smiled and picked up Welcome, on my way up I realized I hadn’t smelled Sirius when I had landed on his crotch. So as I stood up I moved my head and sniffed him quickly hoping he wouldn’t notice.
“Did you-did you just smell me?” Sirius asked.
I can’t get away with anything! I need to learn how to become good at sleuthing. “No, it did not just smell like bark and cinnamon.”
“So you smelled me.”
“No, you smelled yourself.”
“Did I smell nice?”
“Welcome,” Sirius finished with a grin.
Damn, I fell into that trap.
Fighting the instinct to say something that I think is witty but would most likely result in me getting stuffed down a toiled I smiled and curtseyed before exiting the compartment and sliding the door shut.
Oh my god.
Sirius Black is in love with me!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A/N: Yes yes, it was short but I don't think these chapters will be very long, it's a comedy and it's hard to be funny for 4,000+ words! Like Mitch Hedberg said 'I have to do comedy for 45 minutes, that's 15 minutes longer then a sitcom. I can't remember the last time I thought 'hey, I would like to watch 15 more minutes of this show.' So, it's better to leave it short. Yes, that's what I get from the joke. Leave a review:D