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Chapter 1 : Not Ready. . .To Make Nice
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Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting
"Can't you just forgive him, Lily? It was one simple slip off and you completely devastated him after you turned away from them both - " Red hair flew in a curtain as a certain fifteen year old shot an appalled look at her friend, anger and tears both brimming at the corner of her almond eyes. Immediately, her friend was quiet, and Lily's response could be heard grumbled in the hall way. She wasn't ready for this. She wanted to forgive him but she didn't think she could. Her will wouldn't let her forgive him that easily; he should have known better than to call her that. She wasn't ready to forgive him this early. It had hurt her. "Okay, alright - you don't need to wig out on me, Lily," Her friend's wand was clutched loosely in her hand, slackening as the red head turned on her heal and proceeded down the hallways.
She was positive he'd be down in the dungeons, or somewhere near the potions rooms. And if not there, then he was hanging out with those despicable so-called friends of his. He needed to learn he had made his choice, and she was ready to let him know what exact choice she had made. Skirt flying about her calves and her socks tumbling down with each ferocious step, Lily Evans faced the facts that Severus was changing in a way she didn't like. She had remembered a time where they were to be best friends forever, and now, he had screwed that up beyond belief.
She hated it beyond belief. Lily didn't want to believe Sev had ever done anything like that, yet here she was, going to tell him exactly what he had done after a rather embarrassing moment he had just experienced on the courtyard. Lily had tried to help him - but now, she was the one being harmed, and he didn't seem to need her help. What a great way to spend the afternoon after O.W.L.'s, teaching your former best friend that he was no longer valid of trust.
"Severus Snape, I'd like to have a word with you," Lily hushed under her breath, pacing quickly through the thin spread of people in the entry hall before turning a corner and hearing her footsteps descend into the formidable dungeons that seemed to make shadows jump. She was practicing, practicing for the moment where her long lived, very close friend, would become no more. "Sev, can we talk? No no. . . that's too. . caring, Lily! You've got to let him know that - "
"Know what?" A drawl and a cackle was heard. "Did you know that talking to your own head is the first sign of madness, Evans?" Her head snapped up from watching her feet and she narrowed her eyes immediately, her hand flying to her skirt waste-band protectively, reading for the wand that was nestled there in the heavy fabric. Avery, amongst other typical Slytherin thugs, rested up against the wall, fiddling with wands and pieces of Exploding Snap like they owned the place. Her nose crinkled in disgust. She wasn't ready for these doofuses right now.
"Back off Avery, or I'll send Slytherin below the gutters with House-Points," Nonchalant and cool, her fingers played with the handle of her wand as they all cackled back at her brazen voice.
"What are you even doing in the dungeons, Evans? Haven't you heard that Potter's been showing off for you? Severus ran down here looking like a Gryffindor, his cheeks were so red and flourish - " The cacophony of laughter was stopped abruptly when Lily's eyes lit up in excitement.
She pointed at them with her wand, trying to hide her nerves at the big moment that was about to come. She wasn't going to forgive him, no matter how hard her subconscious wanted her to, and she wasn't going to forget. Time was going to be proven wrong - one simple word had struck Lily hard enough to push her to the edge of the rocky cliff. "Severus? Where has he gone, do you know?"
"Lib - " But before the buffoon could finish his dull word, Lily was floundering back up the staircase and through the halls.
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying
Lily's anger emitted in her aura, and every student who attempted a hello or a 'how'd you do on your O.W.L's, Lily?' got a very nasty cold shoulder. She wasn't in the mood to talk to these people. She wanted her best friend back - but there was no doubt he had made a choice, and he wasn't going to change his mind. Lily kind of understood where the Slytherin was coming from. He had just wanted to fit in, and some of the subjects they talked about deeply interested him. She couldn't say she wouldn't have done the same, because she would, in all truth. She had always wanted to fit in, because at home during the holidays, her sister had out-casted her for an overly-large walrus who had graduated from school with the density of metal in his head.
"Severus Snape, I would like a word - we haven't been on good terms lately and, no no. . that's not it! I'm being far too nice, I can't let myself do that. No matter how much I want to just forget the thing and pretend it never happened," Lily's murmurs could barely be heard in the blustering halls of students just finishing up their overtime work for O.W.L's and other students coming out of passage-ways and hallways. The red-head would have half expected the Marauders, so they called themselves boldly, to peek from behind a statue of a goblin, or a founder or something. But there was no doubt that they were off careening around the grounds, setting things in trees so that Severus Snape wouldn't dare sit beneath them again.
Lily knew that they only picked on Severus because she liked him, and that they had a friendship James wished he had had. But that friendship had been broken now, and Lily would have rathered care less at this moment in time whether they continued to rapidly tease them. She had remembered their previous conversation about this 'choose me or the friends' topic, and it pained her so that he had broken that promise.
"Sev, I need you to make a choice," Lily's dark red hair flowed over her shoulders as the two sat there, just two unfortunate fourteen year olds struggling through school, drama and friendship. Her concern flashed briefly in her eyes as she tugged her magnetic cling against Severus' shoulder away, and looked up at his sunken in, pale cheeks, that had been withdrawn into his slender face because of lack of the beautiful sunlight. Exactly why the red-head had so stubbornly tugged her best friend out into the grounds for this particular chat. She was curious to see how he was under the light. "You know what choice I'm talking about too, we've had this discussion at the beginning of the year. . ."
Sullen hair formed a curtain around his facial features, and ticked by this, not being able to see his dark eyes reflect what she had just said, she tenderly reached up and brushed it out of his way, her own eyes narrowing at the disappointment on his face. He had known she would bring this up - he would have been stupid not to think his smart best friend wouldn't have brought it up. "Lily, I've talked to you about this before, I can't just back away from them," His soft voice reached her ears and she wanted so badly to give empathy to him, like she was used to. She knew he valued his friends, but where did she fit in? She didn't like the way his friends used spells. . . she didn't like the way he wanted to fit in with them.
"Severus, please. It's me, or them. I've been your real friend, your best friend. You promised, you can't break that promise." Her hand dropped into her lap and a slender eyebrow rose in expectancy.
The Slytherin looked upset. "You're forcing me to choose, Lily? Choose you, or my friends?"
Was he really so thick! Honestly, Lily had thought he was smarter than this! Sighing in frustration she threw a rock angrily at the dirt and folded her legs under her skirt, resisting the urge to just get up and abandon the conversation, leave it hanging on that solemn note. No, she had to let him know just how much he meant to her, and if she meant something to him - then he had better drop the behind-the-scenes Dark Arts practices right now. "Yes! Yes, Severus Snape! Don't you understand?! I hate that they go off and practice dark spells! I hate that you bother to tag along with them! I'm a real friend Sev, and if I mean anything to you," The words seemed selfish to her now that they had been spoken, but she continued. "Then you'll let them be and don't get involved! Please!"
Her heart ached and waited for a response, the only thing she was able to hear was the angry grumbles of a bowtruckle scavenging through the bushes off to the side. In fluid relief, she saw his head nod once. "I choose you, Lily. I'm sorry."
He had broken that promise, and she wasn't going to stand for it anymore. This had been the last spell in her wand, the last straw in her bunch, because friends forever was over; forever was shorter than she had seemed to think.
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should
The library doors gloomed in the distance, and Lily's fingers trembled on the wooden handle of her slender wand; she was petrified to do this, it was harder than the O.W.L's themselves. She had never had the strength to break off of a relationship, they'd always call her too empathetic and forgiving. She didn't want to be this way anymore with Severus. He had betrayed her, called her a nasty word he shouldn't have, and broken a promise. Promises broken hurt people, badly - and Lily had finally experienced it first hand. She just didn't hope it would go too nasty, Madam Pince would throw a fit and then proceed to lock them out and give them detentions. Though, she would probably live through a detention, as long as it meant she had gotten the confession over with.
The anger wasn't meant to just sit there and make her head spin, that was for sure.
Madam Pince had given her a curt nod as she strode into the library, her bright forest eyes scanned the multitude of table tops and high backed wooden chairs. Searching for the back of a greasy head, no doubt being bent over a piece of parchment with diligence, Lily looked around. He was no where to be seen. Perhaps, perhaps he would be back into the Restricted Section? If he was, and no doubt he was in there in one of the high backed black velvet chairs layered with dust, he would most likely have a dark magic book in his hand, scribbling down methods to get back at James and his friends.
Sure enough, there was Severus, bent over a table, his hair forming a curtain around his face. Lily couldn't tell if he knew she was here, but she'd make herself known, that was for sure. "Severus," Her tone was brisk, and sharp, not as gentle as it would have been should this be a friendly, nice conversation. "I need to talk to you, now." Urgently pressing with her voice, Severus Snape looked up from his roll of parchment with withered eyes. He didn't look happy, and he looked as if he knew what was coming towards him.
"Lily, I'm rather busy at this moment in time, can't you - "
"Now. It can't be pushed aside."
"What?!" Severus' book slammed down onto the table top and a glare, harsh and definitive, was sent Lily's way. His voice was angrier than Lily had ever heard it before; she was shaken, frightened by his frustration at her disturbing him, and this only increased her theory that they were both mad at each other, and that he had made his final choice over his broken promise. Madam Pince shot a strange look over her hawk-like nose, towards the two of them, and Lily gave a polite smile of reassurance that immediately dropped once she turned back to her former friend for life.
She tugged on his arm, pulling him into a hard, wooden and splintery chair as the candles that hung in the light above them flickered, as if they knew she was angry. "You remember that conversation we had last year? About choices and friends and fitting in?" The red-head didn't wait for an answer. She needed to get it out before she exploded. "Well, do you remember that promise you made as well? Back when we were little, to be friends forever no matter what?"
This time, Severus snuck in his answer, albeit angrily and with his arms crossed in front of the Slytherin emblem on his chest. "Yeah, I remember. What does this have to do with anything?" His voice was nearly a snarl.
"You just lost that friendship, Severus Snape. You lost it for good, you broke a promise; you made your choice. I'm not making you change your mind. You already have it set." Angrily she stood, kicking her chair back nearly as she pushed it into the table with a loud clang, and strode out of the library like nothing at all had happened.
Why can't you just get over it,
It turned my whole world around
and I kind of like it
"Muggle Prime Minister: Confunded?" Lily snapped open the Daily Prophet, ignoring the more swooping owls dipping low over the five tables in the Great Hall the next morning. A goblet full of orange juice was raised to her lips and she took a lengthly sip, watching out of the corner of her eye, the four boys down the table play pancake hockey with much interest. Resisting a heavy sigh building in her stomach, she fingered the pages of the Prophet open, moving her goblet out of the way of a landing owl without taking her eyes off of the article. Apparently, the Muggle Prime Minister had been seen striding through London with a purple top hat and four layers of coloured night gowns on.
"Confunded my arse; more like a pea-brained impostor." The red-head muttered and shook the falling down copy of the Prophet, sighing heavily to herself as she stabbed an egg on her plate. That morning, she had purposefully sat on the other side of the table, the side that gave her a clean view of Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw instead of sitting on her usual side, which faced Slytherin. She didn't want to see Severus' face. She didn't want to see any of their slimy faces - because to put it short, she was through. She was done. Done with those filthy rats that Severus hung out with and done with Severus Snape himself. She was pretty much over the fact how coolly he had taken her burst out in the library - at first she had been furious, upstairs in the girl's dormitory, wishing she had the strength to tear her diary to shreds and stuff them into the common room fire. But now, she realized it should have been expected of him.
Considering who he was, of course.
Shoving the newspaper away with a heavy flourish, she picked at her eggs and bacon, lying listlessly on her china plate. The owls began to swoop in, more and more of them, and Lily, annoyed by this all, got up and snatched her school bag, heading down a hallway at random, which was strangely close to the dungeons. Were her subconscious thoughts trying to tell her something? Something strange? Maybe they were just used to this route being taken on the way to the secret passage she had caught James Potter wandering up that lead to the seventh floor. It was a far easier way to travel and looking down at her feet, she hadn't realized who exactly she had ran into.
Stunned, Lily looked up and her eyes widened immediately. Compose yourself, Lils. Compose. Suddenly, all compassion had disappeared from her voice as she stood, looking into the pleading black eyes of her once best friend. "I'm not interested.*" Compiling her books that had fallen out of her arms (and were unable to stick in her pack) she straightened her back and diverted her eyes from him.
Turning away, the sixth year was breathing deeply as she strode to the portrait that blocked the secret passage way to the seventh floor, and with a sad smile on her face, entered, leaving him behind. "Lily wait!" So she thought. . ."Please wait!" Turning in a huff, she raised her eyebrow expectantly as he followed her through the passage way, pure sadness on his face. "I'm sorry, really I am! Can't you just forget about it? Forget that I said it?"
Her face contorted into anger, pure rage and her cheeks flared. "What?!" She screeched. "What do you mean just forget about it Sev?!" In the dim light, she saw his mouth open and close like a fish out of water. She shook her head. "I'll pretend like it never happened, but I'm not, I can't forget about it. Good bye, Severus."
"But - "
"Goodbye." And with that Lily turned her head away and nearly sprinted up the darkened staircases, not caring for the world if he followed her, because she wasn't allowing anymore apologies. No matter how many notes floated her way, she was through. She was sad about a relationship like theirs being over, but she didn't understand the concept anymore. Why should she bother to hang out with him if he was just going to sit there with his thoughts madly deep into Dark Magic? It didn't matter that he didn't practice it. It was just as good as. And it was goodbye.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting
Author Note: Starred (*) dialog is taken from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, in "The Prince's Tale" chapter and belongs to J.K. Rowling. I credit her. Not me.
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