Chapter 19 : Bruised;
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“You’re going to have a baby.”
Since those words had met my ears, I hadn’t said a word. Not to my friends, not to her, not to the receptionist or the person in the hall who apologized for bumping into me. Nobody. People didn’t deserve to hear my voice – I am a horrible person.
A baby. Me. A baby. Cara – me, a mother?
Ha, well I guess getting knocked up early is a tradition in my house; my mum was about my age when she had Cody…only…she was married and financially stable. Financially stable? Of course she was financially stable, the Malfoys are stable…giving birth to a nice future Slytherin/Death Eater baby should earn you some extra galleons.
All bitter reflections aside, I couldn’t get over the fact that Sirius was never going to speak to me again – absolutely never. I had done the one thing, the worst thing, the only thing that could break us apart. I knew there would be no forgiving me, he would react slowly, his emotions and eyes would be unfathomable until it set in and all hell would break loose.
Why am I so thoughtless, so stupid, and so inexperienced? Of course you’re thinking I shouldn’t tell him but I have to, I just…owe it to him to be honest, even if it will break his heart.
Hestia, Dorcas, and Alice hadn’t said a word to me, I was lucky they stayed long enough to sign me out. But they Apparated home without me, and I ended up flooing to the Leaky Cauldron.
The door was heavier then usual to push open, and the inside of the dingy pub seemed darker then usual. Why was everyone looking at me? Did they know? Could people smell the infidelity? Why isn’t there a scarlet ‘A’ burned on to my jacket?
“Ryan?” I croaked, walking straight at him as he stood up from his meal and embraced me. I hadn’t noticed that he was sitting with six other members of his quidditch team. Nor had I noticed that he had been in the middle of a sentence and laughing with everyone. Nope.
“What is it?” he whispered, pushing the hair out of my eyes.
“You are going to be a father,” I said softly, tears pushing their way to the surface again.
His whole body stiffened as he held me tighter, his own breath uneven.
“I am going to be with you through all of it,” he said, squeezing me.
“Well I daresay you did enough…but sure,” I said, breaking down once more.
His teammates looked on, clueless and wordless as I cried and he held me, like always, him there to save me, to mop up my mistakes…all while I loved Sirius and Ryan loved me – did he still love me?
A scary thought occurred to me: did Ryan have a girlfriend?
That would complicate things a bit. (As if they aren’t already complicated enough.)
Where is the baby going to live – with me? With him? Will we live together? Are we going to both support the baby or just me? Or just him or…how will my parents take it? How will my friends take it – oh Lord, what is Dumbledore going to say?
I shook my head against all of these thoughts. I needed to know what Sirius was going to say. I needed to know how Sirius was – I needed to know if he was alive. I needed to be with my friends.
“Ryan, I am going to go home, are you staying in London long?” I asked.
“As long as you need me.”
I kissed his cheek and untangled myself. I needed to do it, I needed to go home.
“Is it safe for you to Apparate?” he asked. A very faint smile flickered on my face.
“I think so,” I said, Apparating back to where I used to live, where the raucous noise I heard let me know that they were back, and from what I could hear, unscathed.
I caught snippets of conversation from where I was standing, hidden in the hallway, like a coward.
“…yeah, treated in Ireland, that’s where we had to hide…”
“…seriously scary, never thought I’d pull through, but I’m here…”
I stepped into the room. “Here,” I said sheepishly, looking at the floor, face still sticky with tears, looking guiltily at Sirius’s happy face as he swept me into his arms and kissed me.
“Merlin, it’s good to see you!” he said excitedly, kissing me again.
“What’s wrong?” he asked; his huge grin faltering as he took in my appearance. My eyes had the look of someone who had cried a lot in a short period of time, my skin was still blotchy and I am sure I looked scared.
“Sirius, I need to talk to you,” I said shakily.
He took my hand and Apparated us to our flat, and with a pang, my eyes found a picture of his happily waving from the mantle.
“What’s wrong my love?” he asked, watching me.
“Don’t call me that,” I said loudly, shaking my head. Tears had surfaced in my eyes again, just looking at him, trusting and oblivious.
“W-why?” he asked, looking taken aback for only a second. For a few seconds I wanted to just ignore it, keep it a secret….but the damage had been done, my friends knew, and I couldn’t hide it from him…telling him would break his heart, keeping it from him and lying would shatter it.
“Because I, I fucked everything up beyond fixing,” I said, shaking my head again and walking towards the picture of us and tracing the frame.
“Excuse your language,” he said, smiling.
“Sirius! This is really, really important…”
“Then just tell me, darling.”
“DON’T CALL ME THAT.”
“Merlin, Cara, what the hell did you do?”
“I…did something I shouldn’t have done…with Ryan,” I said, wincing. His now stony expression didn’t change, yet it seemed like he couldn’t look me in the eye.
“Like…what something?” he asked, beginning to pace, rubbing his temple. He was trying so hard not to explode, not to burst into a fit of rage, I could tell, he was trying to keep his temper at bay.
“The big something,” I said, my voice couldn’t bear to form the word.
“…What? ” he asked incredulously.
“There’s…more,” I said hesitantly, tears falling out of my eyes.
“Like what? What could possibly be worse?”
“Me being pregnant,” I said, closing my eyes, not bearing to look at him, as tears poked their way out from underneath my eyelids. It was his, we knew, because Sirius and I hadn’t for some time…we just hadn’t had enough energy, truthfully…
“I am so, so sorry,” I whispered, daring to open my eyes and look at him.
“Yeah, sorry. Like that’s going to fix anything. DAMN IT, CARA!” he yelled, yanking the picture from my hands and throwing it at the wall. I watched the glass shower the floor, shining, bright pieces of something that once was.
“I was drunk – I didn’t, Sirius please!”
“Please…forgive you for having sex with Bell? Please forgive you for getting yourself pregnant? Please forgive you for ruining our entire relationship; please forgive you for betraying me, for breaking my heart?”
It almost hurt my very ears to hear the words spilling out into the airwaves; I couldn’t stop shaking as I tried my best to not faint dead away.
“Don’t….forgive me. But remember that, above all, I love you,” I said thickly.
“Actions speak louder then words,” he said nastily.
“I didn’t mean to, I swear, I was drunk, I wasn’t myself! I was a complete train wreck while you were gone- Sirius I love you!”
“A drunken mind speaks a sober heart,” he shot at me.
Using my own saying against me?
His eyes were cold, harsh; looking at me with feeling I had only seen him look at someone like Snape with.
“What are you, a fortune cookie?!” I screamed. He didn’t even know what that was, probably….who cares. It doesn’t matter, nothing does anymore.
“After you cheated on me with him, after you snuck letters to him, after everything, after he cheated on you, after you broke my heart and you broke his – after all of it…Cara, I can’t even look at you anymore,” he said, his voice quavering with rage.
I couldn’t stop crying, like an idiot, words seemed to fail me as he smashed more of our possessions, yelled more heartbreaking words at me.
“I want my ring back.” My vision was blurred, my heart and head aching.
Shaking, and crying violently I handed Sirius the ring. His face was once again, inscrutable. He stared down at me icily, almost unfeelingly.
“I forgave you too many times,” he said distastefully. Crying uncontrollably, I tried to choke out an apology. I had really screwed everything up beyond fixing this time. He wouldn’t forgive me. Time was standing still.
“Get out of my house.”
I could do nothing but obey; I could do nothing but Apparate straight back to Ryan, back to someone who could actually bear the sight of me.
“Thank you, Fabian,” I said, looking at him gratefully as he put the last box down on the floor.
I hugged him tightly.
“I don’t, by any means, agree with what you did, but I love you just the same,” he said, squeezing me before letting me go.
“The others will come around,” he said, obviously referring to my friends who had not done anything but ignore me, ignore my attempts to explain myself, ignore my attempts to talk to them. Even Emmeline, even James, even Lily, especially Sirius. No one else would look at me, let alone speak to me. It had been three weeks, and still…nothing. Some friendship we have, eh?
“I hope so,” I said, as he Apparated away from me just as Ryan walked in the door.
I had accepted his offer to live with him in his flat, as he traveled the world playing Quidditch and whatnot. I had made it clear that we would never again be together romantically, but he told me he’d always love me. I told him I’d always love Sirius.
And we both accepted it.
I was going to help pay the bills and all, and so was he, we were both going to support the baby. The baby, our baby. Magical detection detects pregnancies unbelievably quickly, and….it was definitely Ryan’s. God, every inch of me wished to take back the moment I walked into to the pub, the moment I surrendered.
And just like that, my whole life had unraveled, and Ryan had agreed to slowly help be clean up the tangled yarn I was left with.
Sometimes perfection can be-
It can be perfect hell, perfect...
Hours pass, and she still counts the minutes
That I am not there, I swear I didn't mean
For it to feel like this
Like every inch of me is bruised, bruised
And don't fly fast. Oh, pilot can you help me?
Can you make this last? This plane is all I got.
So keep it steady, now
Cause every inch you see is bruised
Bruised; Jack’s Mannequin.
A/N- I'm pretty sure the 'scarlet A' line is from Sex and the City, so I don't own that, (but the line is referring to The Scarlet Letter, by Nathaniel Hawthorne, so let me just say that I don't own that either,) or the song, or Harry Potter.
So this chapter depressed me on so many levels, but I had most of this written from when I first imagined it and had to get out, and I edited it and everything but I didn't add nearly as much as I usually do or anything.
Same with the next chapter, which I actually realllyy love. But I did it, I'm done with Cara, I have written it all. You've got roughly 2,539 words left to read after this and then -POOF- time for my next story, so I'd like to thank everyone once again for reviewing and reading, (not just this story, but any chapter in the entire trilogy,) and even if you didn't like it, you at least clicked on it, so thank you. I applaud all of you for even reading this A/N.
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