Best friends they were, and they couldn’t get any closer! They were almost living in each other’s pockets, and they could never be parted. But nowhere on Earth or the moon, would you find two people more different! And their names were Severus Snape and Lucius Malfoy.
Now Severus Snape was a hillbilly working on a farm. He liked to dress in his usual dungarees, farmer’s boots, and straw hats. He wasn’t exactly the brightest bulb in the electronics shop, but he was an independent person who was very talented at dance, particularly ballet. He was a sweet natured chap who would go out of his way to help anyone in trouble, unlike Lucius, who was also his gay partner.
Lucius was what some modern people would call ‘a chav’, parading around in his Adidas trainers, gill coat and Nike cap, with so much bling hanging off of his hands, ears and neck that he’d instantly sink to the bottom of a deep lake! But to be honest, he was scruffy! He was moody and always saw the dark side of life, unlike Snape who was an optimist. Lucius was also slightly paranoid as when he was alone, he could almost swear he saw camera flashes near him… But he was sharp and witty, had a lot of knowledge, and a great love for material wealth.
Despite the differences between the pair though, they were very close and spent most of their time either huddled up on the sofa in Lucius’ ‘Malfoy Manor’ watching romantic films, or sat together in the park eating ice creams’.
After many months together, and their relationship growing steadily stronger, Snape and Lucius were enjoying a candlelit dinner when Snape set down his cutlery and got down on one knee. The restaurant hushed, as Snape took a small box out of his pocket. As he opened it, he gazed into Lucius’s eyes.
‘Lucius, ya’ ma’ partner, and yippy yee I love you with all me’ heart! Will ya’ do me the great honour of acceptin’ me ‘and in marriage?’ he asked, Lucius stared at him with a look of surprise.
‘Oh Severus mayte! You’re the only homie I would ever wanna marry, like!’
Snape then opened the box, and onto Lucius’ finger he placed a solid silver engagement band. The whole restaurant burst into applause as Lucius gasped ‘Oh look at this bling!!!’ They threw their arms around each other and began kissing.
As the wedding preparations grew and became more specific, Lucius knew he had to tell Severus the one secret he’s been harbouring and kept hidden since he had turned 14… He loved to dress in women’s clothes. If his fiancé ever found out… they’d be over before either of them could say ‘tranny’!
‘But marriage means commitments and no secrets…’ thought Lucius, surely Snape would still love him anyway?!
Snape however, was hiding a few secrets of his own, which Lucius was sure to discover some day! After all he was bright! But as the wedding grew closer, neither of them dared tell the other.
The day finally arrived for them to be wed. Lucius and Severus spent the morning dressing in their best outfits; Lucius in a Burberry tailcoat and top hat, with his pimp cane alongside him, and Severus in his best pair of dungarees, which finished halfway up his leg and had Velcro fastenings, worn with his best checked shirt.
They set off for the registry office and they were both becoming more anxious about their hidden secrets when they arrived. People stood up to congratulate them. The hall was full; nearly everyone they knew was there! Lucius waved to his sister, Narcissa and her son, Draco as they gave him a cheesy grin.
‘Oh, like, who invited those?’ thought Lucius, looking over at the Weasleys. ‘Probably Severus, he’s too nice for his own good, mayte… I’ll have to, like, punish him with my pimp stick…’
The time then came for the lovers to walk to the front and make their vows. And as the vicar asked everyone in the room if they knew of a reason why should not be lawfully wed, to speak so now or forever hold their peace’, Ron Weasley raised his hand to a great hush in the room and declared his love for Lucius, who rolled his eyes and turned back to Snape. Ron’s mum, Minerva then smacked his head and told him to shut up.
The vicar began to continue the ceremony, but stopped abruptly to the sound of a large CRRAAASSSH!!!
A large man stumbled through the great oak doors at the back, his matted beard sticking to the sweat on his face. A few people gasped ‘HAGRID!’ and others craned their necks to get a good look at what was going on.
‘WAAAAIIIIIT!’ he shouted, flinging his arms about like a baboon.
The room shook as his large feet carried him to the front.
‘I know a reason why they can’t be together!’ panted Hagrid; ‘Lucius is keepin’ such a huge secret from Snapey ‘ere!’
Out of his pocket, Hagrid took a small square piece of paper as the room burst into a low whisper and Snape gave his lover a hurtful glare.
Hagrid finally passed the paper to Snape, but to Hagrid’s surprise, Snape’s face lit up.
‘You should of told me!’ squealed Snape, (obviously delighted by the look on his face), at what was on the paper. Lucius snatched the paper out of his hand, and when he looked at it, his face dropped at the sight of photos of himself in his best women’s clothes.
‘Mayte, like. You’ve wrecked the weddin’ like. Where did ya’ like, get this from?’ asked Lucius, turning to Hagrid.
‘I’ve been spyin’ on ya, ain’t I?’ he replied cheerfully.
Snape gave Lucius a shifty look.
‘Yippie-Yi-Yay partner!’ he said. ‘I sure is glad I know, gee whiz it’s swell I found out! I got a lil’ summink you should know though!’ And with that, he ripped off his dungarees by the Velcro fastenings, and peoples in the room gasped and covered their children’s eyes.
‘Yo mayte! You’re a… a… WOMAN!’ said Lucius in a whisper, barely able to speak any louder, ‘we really are a perfect match!’
Lucius threw his arms around Snape, and they were married as planned as the room burst into applause and Snape did a dance of ballet around the room, still half naked. Hagrid was disappointed though, because like Ron, he had a burning desire to be in Snape’s shoes, to be the one to marry lovely Lucius. Never again though, were any secrets ever held between the loving pair. Well, except that Snape was secretly a fully qualified ‘king of scrabble’ player.