Chapter 13 : Hiding in a closet for two years; I’m not anorexic!
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Once upon a time there was a girl who had no friends, no secrets, no worries, and told no lies (except the occasional white lie to her family). She was perfectly content with being an anorexic, and believed that all she needed was her darling cat Cushy. Then came the day she met a boy called Sirius Black –well, technically she’d already met him before when he pranked her, but that doesn’t count as they were just kids- and he wouldn’t stop bugging her. She –being a naïve friendless girl- brought him home to meet her family –even though she didn’t know him, he tricked her into coming- where he said the most preposterous thing and got her kicked out. Then she was stupid enough to come with him to his friend’s house, where she met a girl she befriended, and suddenly she had four friends (A/N: Peter wasn’t there remember?). After this she became the boy’s girlfriend, and soon enough they were snogging on his bed. Having completely let her guard down, she found herself one day confronted with the truth.
"Jackie, you’re an anorexic!" repeats Lily, and looks heartbroken at me. What did she say? I don’t think I understand. Are they messing with me? How did they find out? Have they been reading my mind? Maybe Dumbledore gave them a potion they could use to hear my thoughts, because they wanted to know why I didn’t eat. That’s horrible… and stupid. Jackie stop being so stupid!! Oh God, what do I do now? I know; I’ll just deny it. Yeah, coz they can’t prove anything, right? But what if they ask me to eat?? I’ll just say I ate earlier… except, damn they’ve been watching me all day. Why, why, WHY did I not understand their sudden interest in me was just a cover because they wanted to know the truth? Dumbledore probably told them to start being nice and friendly to me so he could find out the truth. It was all a plot to smoke out the anorexic! They were in this from the start, some friends. But I should’ve known, I mean; who would want to be friends with me anyway? I’m just a fat girl with a mean family and a tabby cat. I let myself fall into my dreams, and then I woke up it was a nightmare.
"Jackie?!? Jackie, say something," pleads Lily, and I look up from my haze to meet her eyes. How could she? I thought she was being honest with the friendship thing. She betrayed me!
"Jackie…" Sirius puts his hand on my shoulder, and it wakes me up alright. I shake it off and look at him. Then I look at Remus, who looks pained. Yeah, they’re all just great actors, and rubbish friends. James is looking at me funnily too… wow. Peter just isn’t around. Hm… at least he isn’t pretending to be my friend!
I turn back to Sirius, who takes a step towards me when I continue being silent. That’s when I spin around and run down the hall, as far away from them as I can.
Good thing though; they hadn’t expected me to run, so they weren’t prepared, and therefore weren’t fast enough to catch up with me. Or else I might have to start kicking and screaming, before storming off to kill Dumbledore for betraying me. Isn’t there any law that says he can’t discuss one student with another student, and bring up one’s personal issues with another student? There should be anyway, because this is invading my privacy on a high level here; entering my thoughts and such. I didn’t even know there was a spell for it.
Anyway, I’m sitting in a broom-closet now, just for the record. It’s super dirty in here, but I won’t leave until Hogwarts is done with and over. Yep, only two more years. I can make it pretty cosy in here in two years though; with my wand… decorate a little bit. Maybe paint it pink… oh for Gods sakes Jackie; you can’t sit in a broom-closet for two freaking years!! Someone will definitely find you before that.
Told you; shouldn’t trust strangers.
Oh, guess who’s back; Annie (my inner-voice’s name, because she’s so ANNoying).
Don’t be rude to me, I’ve been faithful.
Sure, whatever. I’m kind of in the middle of something now, if you don’t mind too much!
Yes, I heard. They found out our secret, and now you’re moping. Pathetic.
That’s not pathetic one bit; they betrayed me! And you’re supposed to be the distrusting one of us, not me.
I’m not distrusting, I’m reasonable. And sitting in a broom-closet for two years is not reasonable.
And I suppose you know what is reasonable then?
Of course. You have to go out and… get Cushy out of their paws!! Don’t let them turn her against you!!
Oh, you are so right… except, I like it in here. It’s nice and… private.
Hm. Well, you have to go out because I said so. And I’m the reasonable one.
So you think its reasonable talking to oneself? Its madness and I won’t listen to you. Even if it puts Cushy in the path of evil… I just can’t do it, not now that they know.
I’m never coming out again, ever!
Oh my god, there’s someone outside the door!! I have been sitting here for lord knows how long; thinking I’ve found the ultimate hiding place, and now I hear voices outside the broom-closet!
… Wait, I’m the one who’s mad, right? They should be so scared of what I’ll do when I see them again those traitors! Hopefully I won’t see them again though, because when I finally come out of here, they’ll have finished Hogwarts, and I can leave in peace.
Here we go again.
Oh, you be quiet, I don’t want them to find me. Not that I’m certain it’s them outside this door, but who else would it be? I don’t know anybody else…
"Any luck?" oh gosh, it is them!! That was James’ voice!!! What do I do now? Just sit completely still, and don’t make a sound. I can hear my heart beating. Wow, that’s pretty creepy dude.
"Wait…" I hold my breath, as I hear Remus’ voice, and everything outside is suddenly quiet. What are they doing now? Did they go? I can’t hear anything… I fidget a little in my position on the floor, but strain my ears to hear anything signalling they’re still there…
"Aaargh!" I scream as the door is suddenly thrown open, and I blink up in the eyes of… Remus! That rat! I should’ve known he would be the one.
"Jackie!" exclaims Sirius from next to Remus, and he bends down to help me up.
"Don’t touch me!" I scream, and glare at him as he reaches for me, but then stops at my outburst. He looks hurt and pained, but doesn’t touch me… luckily!
"Jackie, don’t be like this. We really need to talk." Says Sirius, and I sigh loudly.
"There’s nothing to talk about. You betrayed me. I have no interest in ever seeing you again actually!" I snap irritated, as Remus suddenly grabs hold of my arm and yanks me up from the floor.
"Ow, get your hands off me!! Stop it!" I shriek and try to slap his arms away- damn that boy’s got a firm grip! He’s not letting go, that bastard! How dare he?
"Jackie, we’re going to go back to the common room, and talk," states Remus calmly, and I glare at him. Then I turn to Lily, who’s standing next to James with tears in her eyes. Oh, bloody brilliant. I think they’re overdoing it just a little bit now. I’ve already seen through they’re little scheme, so what’s up with this? Of course they’re going to get me to confess now, and then they’ll bring me to Dumbledore, and he’ll say; Aha, I knew it! Told you so.
Yep. I know it. And I thought Lily was cool… and that she should get together with James… well, they deserve each other!
"Jackie…" whispers Lily with a sob, as she’s walking a little behind Remus and me (he’s still holding my arm that asshat!). I turn to her with a hard expression on my face. She’ll get no sympathy from me, that’s for sure.
"I’m so sorry," she says strangled, and looks away.
‘Sure’, I growl inwardly. On the outside I just growl.
I keep growling all the way to the common room, where there’s a few people sitting on the couch, so Remus, Sirius, James and Lily (not me) decide we should talk in the boys dorms (since the boys can’t go in the girls dorms) instead.
Remus sits down on his bed, and lets me decide for myself where I want to sit. Lily is of course sitting on James’ bed (yeah, she sooo doesn’t like him, nooo way… hear my sarcasm), with James, and Sirius is just standing, looking at me and his bed. I growl some more, before I sit down on the only bed no-one would sit on, the one I’m assuming is Peter’s (where is he anyway?), then I give Sirius a look as if to say "no, I won’t sit on your bed with you anymore, traitor". He sighs defeated, and sits down on his own bed. Everything is very quiet. I hope they don’t expect me to say anything, because I won’t. I don’t care what they say, they can’t make me talk.
"Jackie, we… please understand why we confronted you. We’re worried," says Lily finally, when she realises that none of the boys are going to say anything. I snort.
"We’ve noticed that you don’t eat," she tries again, desperately wanting me to say something. "Jackie, say something. Please."
"How much did he pay you?" I ask, and they all blink at me.
"Um… who paid what?" asks Sirius, and glances at Remus, coz you know he’s the smart one.
"Dumbledore. To pretend to be my friends. How much?" I ask again, glaring at Sirius.
"He didn’t pay us, Jackie, we are your friends, and we’re concerned!" says James, and they all look so sad… it’s almost heartbreaking. Almost, until I remember why we’re even having this conversation, then I get over the guilt scenario.
"Mhm… *yawn* how interesting. Well if you’re not gonna tell me, then I might as well go to bed. I’m getting really tired from all this," I say, and stand up- damn; they all stood up real fast now to stop me. Blocking my way those bastards!
"JayJay, we need to talk about this. You have a problem, and we wanna help you with it. You can trust us," says Remus and puts a hand on my shoulder. I look behind him, in Sirius’ eyes, and he looks like a puppy that just got told off; that’s how sad he looks. Sad for me. Because he knows I’ve got a problem…
Suddenly I can’t hold it any longer, and tears starts coming out of my eyes at fast speed. I try blinking them away, but they just come stronger. Lily rushes to my side just as I sink defeated to the floor in hysteric sobs. She puts her arms around my shoulders, and holds me. I try to talk, tell them that they are wrong, and I am fine, but all that comes out are choked words of; "I’m not… I’m fine… no proof…"
After about ten minutes, Sirius has put his arms around me too, and lifted me up into the bed, where I try once again to get a grip on my feelings.
"I’m not, you know… just…" but we all know I am. I am. Anorexic.
"It’s ok JayJay, we’ll get through this. Just tell us why?" says Sirius quietly, as he’s stroking his fingers over my hair. I take a deep breath and look around at everyone. Remus is standing next to Sirius, who is sitting next to me. James is sitting next to Lily, who is sitting on the other side of me. My friends.
"I… I’m anorexic."
She said it. Jackie really is anorexic. I can’t believe it. How could she be? I hadn’t even suspected anything before Remus and Sirius said it during breakfast after Jackie left. Can’t believe I never noticed, how blind am I? There were so many signs too, like she never ate dinner or breakfast together with us. I just assumed she ate at weird hours, but she mustn’t have been eating at all. This is awful. I am an awful friend!
You see, Remus thought we should check up on the facts before asking her, so me and James (yeah, James and me… haha… ha) went to the library to see if they had anything on anorexia. Pretty unlikely right, that they would have anything on anorexia in a wizard library? But anyway, we found a book on it in the muggle section (where else? We’re the ones obsessed with it), and there it was; in black and white all the symptoms.
Now we couldn’t be sure, but considering we’d never actually seen her eat (not much anyway) we figured we’d give it a shot at confronting her. If she started laughing or being totally appalled at us we’d know we’d been wrong. But she didn’t. She looked at us as if we had become monsters, and then she turned and ran. Away from us.
I blame myself. If I had been nicer to her before, she might not be in this mess. Poor Jackie probably thought there was something wrong with her since she didn’t have any friends. Her family probably didn’t help her self-esteem either; from what Sirius told us they practically told her flat out she’s fat. Which is absurd, and as true as the fact that I’m a blond!! Haha…
Anyway, I hope I can help her. I’ll do anything. James and I found some chapters in that anorexic book, where they wrote about this place you could send the people with the anorexia, to help them build their self-esteem and get better. Help them to eat. Almost like a rehab I suppose, for anorexic people. I hope Jackie will consider it. I don’t want her to have to go through this any more, not now that she’s got us.
"We can help you," I say and take her hand. "Tell us everything."
End Lily’s P.O.V
"There’s nothing to tell," I sniffle, and dry my eyes with my sleeve. "I’m just… I don’t want to give Elise anything more to complain about with me." she’s always telling me how I’m such a failure. And she can’t even tell it to me straight, she has to hide it in sentences like; ‘Look at Aurora; she gets good grades and keeps her body in shape with cheerleading. I guess they don’t have that sort of thing at your school…’
It’s annoying and stupid.
"But you don’t have to stop eating!!" shrieks Lily, and squeezes my hand. "Don’t care what Elise and Aurora thinks!!" I sigh heavily and look pained at her.
"Lily, you have gorgeous hair, gorgeous eyes, good grades, and someone who’s been obsessed with you since second grade. There’s no way you could understand the effect of venomous words," I say, and shake my head. I’m done with this conversation now. We’re all on the same page about my anorexia; time to move on. I need to finish my homework, which I didn’t do after classes because I was moping in a closet. *sigh* I love my life.
"Well, we’ll just have to prove Elise wrong! When your anorexia is gone, she’ll see how you really are!" Lily is really getting at it now, isn’t she…- wait, my anorexia will what??
"Um, Lily, anorexia isn’t a disease you get medication for. I’m kinda stuck with it now," I say slowly, looking at the others. They didn’t know this?
"No you’re not," says Lily, and looks at James.
"Yeah, there’s actually a place you can go where they help you deal with it," says James as a respond to Lily’s comment. "There’s people there who help and encourage your eating, and your other abilities." I blink at them. What? A place I can go? Where? I’ve never heard of this place… why would I go there anyway, I’m not insane! I don’t need to be put in a mental institution. What are they thinking about me!?!
"I’m not crazy!" I say quickly, and jump up. "I’m fine, I told you! You can’t prove anything, and I won’t let them take me away! You can’t do this to me!" I’m hysterical now, looking around the room for the quickest way out, but –oh great; Remus is once again blocking my way to freedom.
"Jackie, calm down, it’s not a mental hospital we’re talking about, and if you don’t want to go we won’t make you. It’s just an institution where you have people around who care about your welfare, and want to help you. And these people know how to help you. We want to help too, but we’re not nearly educated and experienced enough to give you the help you need." Wow. That’s a really nice speech; Remus should totally be a speech writer… if that’s a profession…?
"Jackie, please think about it," pleads Lily. Next to her, James is holding out a brochure of some sort.
"Here’s that place we’re talking about," he says and hands me the brochure. "It’s a couple of hours outside London."
I look at the brochure in my hands. It looks like a really nice place; very encouraging indeed. Got some nice trees there… nice building… but… it would mean moving… leaving Hogwarts. I’d never see them again… my friends.
"But… Hogwarts… school…" I choke, looking up at Remus (somehow he seems the most obvious person to look at for answers). He gives a small smile, and sits down on the bed opposite the one we’re sitting on (Peter’s is it?), and says; "You’d only stay there for about a year or so, depending how long you’ve had anorexia, and then you can come back to Hogwarts. You’ll be back for year seven if you do well, and recover. We really want to help you Jackie, but this is the best way."
I nod quietly and close my eyes. If I do well and recover, I’ll come back. If. But I’ve had anorexia for quite some time now, what if I can’t end it? What if I’m not strong enough? I’ve never been strong, or else I wouldn’t have anorexia in the first place, right?
"Jackie…" Lily’s grown extremely fond of saying my name today. Kinda like Sirius that time during Christmas break, when he got us thrown out of my house… yeah, let’s just not go there again.
"Yeah…" I say, haven’t got much else to share really. Except… "Have you guys talked to Dumbledore yet?" I mean, now we’re assuming he didn’t hire them to read my mind, of course.
"No, we want you to go yourself. With us. He does need to know, you know."
I nod and sigh. Does he really? Like, really? I suppose I can’t go to the mental place without his word anyway… damn.
"OK. Ok, let’s go talk to Dumbledore…" I say, and look at them. Let’s just get this over with quickly. I can’t really imagine anything worse than an old man trying to understand.
So we march on up to Dumbledore’s office; Lily and Sirius on each side of me, and Remus in the front with James at the back. We must look like such a happy group of friends. Oh how messed up my situation is.
Remus knocks on Dumbledore’s door (if you can call it knocking when his hand barely touched the wood before Dumbledore called ‘come in’. That is super-creepy!), and as we walk in the room, I feel my heartbeat quicken and my hands trembling. This is it.
A/N: Hey, I finaly posted next chapter, and also I can happily say I've started the sequel!! Yay!! I can't wait to see what ya'll think about that one, and you're in for some surprises... heheh.
So I hope you'll leave a review, if you have time, and just enjoy! :D
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