Chapter 1 : Of Muggle Camps and Slytherins
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A/N: An alternate universe :)
“Ah, don’t you just love the smell of the lake, son? It absolutely could have been better if we had our wands right now, actually.” a-trying-to-be-optimistic-but-failing-miserably James Potter said to his 16 year old son. After all, he’s on a camping trip, with his son, and Sirius and Lily somewhere miles away, bonding with her parents. Of course you’ll think it isn’t that bad, but this was a FULL-ON MUGGLE-STYLE CAMPING TRIP sponsored by the ministry for those who wanted to try to really be “roughing it”. No one really had the choice but to agree and James was utterly perplexed, confused and baffled about what to do.
After all he was a true blue pureblood. Sure, he’s married to very brilliant and gifted muggle-born woman but ahem, right now, she’s somewhere in Ireland, on a traveling trip with her parents probably lecturing leprechauns about their “vanishing gold”. He would be totally astounded if Lily hadn’t made leprechaun clan enemies who have started holding lifelong grudges against the Potters yet.
“It can’t be that bad, Dad. Hermione’s a muggle and she obviously has fun with her own non-magical world…” Harry laughed. He wasn’t exactly as nervous as his Dad. James has been all jitty with anything muggle after the incident with the cookie cutter, a sausage and an oven toaster. Actually, he was pretty excited, although he thought it could have been better if Ron and Mr. Weasley weren’t down with dragon pox. Oh well, his Dad and Sirius was with him. What could possibly go wrong? He looked at his surroundings, and pretty much decided that well, nothing…yet.
“So, Sirius said he’ll be a little late, do you want to start the tent now?” James asked holding up something that pretty much looked like an old lady’s dress on a stick being held by…a hamster? Can’t the ministry provide something at least less baffling and can actually be put together as something?
“Er, I guess, I mean, that would be…er…fantastic and…safe.” Harry said laughing nervously, doubting that they would actually have somewhere to sleep in tonight. Actually, he should be digging a burrow now...just in case, or…well, he was pretty sure the tent was going to collapse anyway.
“Nothing to worry about, son, your Dad’s an auror, he can easily sort this mess out…” James smiled, trying to look at the bright side of the situation…if there was actually a bright side.
Harry swore he heard the word “somehow” which made his stomach squeeze nervously. Hey, seriously, do you want to sleep on top of a tree?
After 2 hours of trying to figure out what to do with metal sticks and a blanket of cloth, a poked sore eye, a stinging bruise on the cheek, a nearly broken finger, an aching back, and a couple more injuries they finally had the tent set up, even though a person 15 metres away would think of it as an over-sized ant hill with a huge stick pointing out of the mouth.
James was ready to jump on the lake and drown when they suddenly heard an unwanted, uninvited, displeasing, mortifying, frustrating, and disappointing voice of a man with a pointed and pale face with long blonde hair with his spawn of pure evil and overly-scented hair products.
“Well, well, isn’t it the Potters, building up a shack, aren’t we?” Lucius Malfoy’s cold and menacing voice greeted their ears, Harry’s blood boiled but James tried his best to keep his cool. Harry then heard a laugh from Draco. His first instinct was to pounce on him and start stabbing him with a plastic spoon, but knowing that it wouldn’t do any good, he decided not to.
“If you aren’t aware, Malfoy, it’s called a tent.” James answered curtly.
“Oh is it, it is so substandardly done that it can be barely classified as something inhabitable such as a tent…” Lucius provoked, his lips thinning into a disgusting small smile. Draco’s grin widened, engrossed in what was happening.
“Why don’t you do us all a favor and drown yourself in the lake, Malfoy.” Harry snapped, anger eating away inside him. He was pretty ready to get the twig beside him and poke the Malfoys’ eyes off, or at least puncture holes on them.
“Harry…” James reprimanded in a silent whisper.
“My, my, teach your son proper manners, Potter…”
“I very well know what to teach my son, Malfoy and how I do it is clearly none of your business.”
“I very much hope that you and that filthy muggle wife of yours do know what you’re teaching, next time, make it more evident.” With that, Lucius and Draco Malfoy (with his famous Malfoy smirk) strode off leaving a foaming in the mouth James Potter and Harry Potter struggling to restrain his father from hitting Lucius Malfoy square in the nose.
“Oi, come back here, you feeble -minded bloody dolt, don’t you dare turn your back on me, you –insert profanity in here--!” James yelled trying to break free of his son’s grip which was actually turning a bit stronger than usual…
“Hold your horses, Prongs, but well, if you really want to bash him, I could just let go and well, we all know what happens next…” Sirius jovial voice greeted his ears, a smile plastered on his face.
“Pads, hey, I thought you had to clear something with the ministry, you might get in trouble a—“
“Love you too, Prongs, my best mate…” Sirius cut in, with a grin. Harry laughed.
James joined in too.
“So, up for some muggle fun?” James asked in a trying-to-sound-like-I-can’t-wait-to-do-what-my-wife-has-been-doing-when-she-was-still-a-brownie-but-failing-miserably voice complete with a fake smile.
“Prongs, it’s obvious that you’re not up for some muggle fun, now please express what you truly feel about our current situation..” Sirius said with a yawn, putting an arm around Harry.
James fell to his knees, put his hands onto his head and screamed “We’re going to bloody die!!!”
“Lovely…” Sirius replied nonchalantly and Harry was telling his Dad to calm down in fits of laughter.
“Let’s just go inside the tent first; it’s pretty cold anyway…” Harry tried to contain his laughter, but his ribs were racking and well, his lungs were shrivelling up already!
Inside the tent…
The three blokes look at each other, not showing any emotion and there was an awkward silence, so silent that you can hear the millipede screaming at her husband.
“So, it’s pretty cosy, don’t you think?” James asked looking at the tent’s interior.
“Cosy? Claustrophobic you mean!” Sirius corrected rolling his eyes.
“Hey, we did our best and it wasn’t easy!” James retorted.
“Didn’t you use the manual?” Sirius asked sulkily.
“What manual?” James asked in horrific disbelief, clutching Sirius’s collar. Sirius released himself from James’s frozen grip and smoothened his shirt.
“The manual your wife gave you?” Sirius said, trying to ring a bell, ready to hit James with a trout if possible.
James remained frozen in disbelief and Harry handed him a plastic spoon to lessen injuries. With his spoon, James started hitting himself repeatedly, trying to cause concussions, and being unsuccessful, soon gave up.
“I never thought I would actually see the day when oh great auror James Potter would have his brain fart oh wait, you had a lot of them back when you were courting Lily…” Sirius said thoughtfully scratching his chin.
“I definitely want to hear about that…” Harry was beginning to take delight in the conversation. Don’t you want to hear your Dad’s failed conquests?
“Thanks a bunch, mate…” James sulked, rolling his eyes.
“Aw, you don’t want your son to hear about your failed conquests and how she rejected you, again, again, and again and again and again and well…again and a-“
“We get your point, Pads…” James cut in petulantly.
“See Harry, learn from your mistakes, or well…your father’s mistakes…” Sirius put an arm around Harry laughing.
“See Dad, it will help me in my future conquests and avoid me getting rejected like someone here again, again, and again and again and again and well…again and a-“
“You turned my son against me you flea infested mongrel…” James morosely interrupted, softly punching Sirius.
“Like stags don’t have fleas, back to the topic…you know, Harry there was just pure classics, they make me want to cry…” Sirius said faking a crying gesture.
James continued to sulk, sullenly grunting ever so indignantly. Grunting about how they ended up married anyway and if it wasn’t for him, Harry wouldn’t be alive at all and how he helped make him, blah blah blah.
“This one was hilarious. It was a lovely afternoon until James had to ruin everything for Lily…”
James: Hey Evans, Cupid called he said he wants my heart back. winks
Lily: Potter, the zoo called they said you’re due back by 5.
James: Is your father a terrorist?
Lily: Potter, I absolutely do not approve of you calling my father a terrorist, now go and play with your broomstick. walks away
James: Evans, because you’re the bomb! Get it? Sexy, bomb? Hey Evans!
James: I envy your lipstick…
Lily: I don’t wear lipstick…
James: But, wait listen to me first, this one’s rea-
Lily: No, now go choke on a bagel.
James: Hey Evans, what about me. you. and hundred beautiful babies?
Lily: Hey Potter, what about me. you and Avada Kedavra?
James: Hey sexy…
Lily: Goodbye, stupid…
James: Evans, I’d give you a one way ticket to my heart…
Lily: I’d love to give you a one way ticket too.
Lily: Yeah, a one way ticket to hell.
James: Evans, I need you to gently punch my back, it’s a bit sore…
James: What do you want me to do, sit down, stand up, lie down…
Lily: get out’s lovely. Goodbye you sorry addition to the world. slaps James with book
James: Hey, Lily! I made an expression for you?!
Lily: Go away. walks away
James: Sweet Evans! Get it? Oi! Lily! Heavens, Evans! Get it?! Oi!
James: Hey Evans, I grew chest hair just for you!
McGonagall: Hagrid a bear’s let loose in the castle! P- Potter, is that you? Clean yourself up this instant!
Harry and Sirius were laughing hysterically and James just grunted indignantly.
“So Harry, what did you learn?” Sirius laughed crazily, slapping James’s back, who just mumbled.
“Never ever use those evidently ineffective and utterly cliché lines. Seriously, even deluded deviants wouldn’t fall for you.” Harry choked, sputtering the remains of the chocolate bar he was eating.
“Aah, I love muggle camping…” Sirius sighed thoughtfully, as the laughter died down.
James looked at Harry mouthing whether Sirius knew that certain blondes were sharing a campsite with them. Harry stared at him frozen then shook his head.
“Draco, put that down, we’re not begging for food!” a familiar voice yelled in the background. Sirius’s smiling face fell.
“Father, I’m starving, I’ll collapse any minute now!” a pleading voice replied.
“You can’t be serious!” Sirius whispered in disbelief. “Of course not, you’re Sirius…” James whispered back, smiling sheepishly. Revenge is sweet.
“Malfoy, whoever said anything about begging, it’s a shallow muggle hobby called fishing…” an even more familiar voice echoed into their ears.
Harry’s mouth hung agape, James stared choking on a date and Sirius showered all of them with Lily’s pumpkin juice and together they mouthed the unfathomable name of a person with greasy hair and an abnormally large nose: Severus Snape.
Well of course, not exactly Severus Snape it was either Snivellus or Snape or bloody git.
“You never told me they were going!” Sirius whispered angrily. “I thought the Weasleys were coming!”
“They’re down with dragon pox, it seems that the Malfoys replaced them.” James replied.
“But the bloody git is here!” Sirius assumed. “They couldn’t have discovered that Snape was suddenly Malfoy’s long lost Romanian cousin!
“He can’t be Malfoy’s godfather, can he?” Harry interrupted. “Godfather, he isn’t really the type who chases evil spawns all day. He would rather kill them in a jiffy…” Sirius justified.
“You’ll never know, but seriously, he could’ve just finished off Malfoy long ago…” said Harry.
“Remind me again why I even agreed to this…” James sighed. “Well…because Mum told you that it’s perhaps time to get to know her own muggle world and that it would truly be an insult to her since she didn’t invite her closest muggle relatives during the wedding and it would be the least you could do.” Harry answered miserably.
“Also that it would cause her pain for Harry to become a man without him and you exploring and appreciating the world she grew up before the most magical thing she experienced.” Sirius finished.
“Me.” James reckoned with a grin.
“Not exactly. Hogwarts.” Sirius corrected.
“She also means she wants to get us out of her hair so she could unrestrainedly lounge at a leprechaun’s neck if ever he said anything which displeases good old Red.” Harry finished glumly.
Suddenly, they felt something hit their tent, trashing the whole thing. At the sight of this, James was already having seizures.
But that “something” was not an ordinary something-something but that something was blonde and laughing!
“Why, you bloody scumbag!” Harry roared angrily. “Is there a problem, Potter? Oh, sorry ‘bout that, we thought it was just a pile of useless, worthless and unwanted garbage.” Draco chuckled. In the corner of eye, Harry spotted a grinning Lucius and a Snape with a slight smile. “You did it in purpose, obviously!” Sirius joined in, glaring at Snape. “Why Black, you can’t expect us to differentiate garbage and well, garbage.” Snape replied coolly, slightly smiling in satisfaction. Sirius was ready to tackle Snape and James grasping a crowbar to smash Lucius’ head, a tall boy with grey eyes and a pretty girl came to check on them.
“Everything alright?” Cedric asked with a smile.
“Hey, Harry…” Cho smiled. She still looked prettier as ever, but an even more dashing redhead was waiting for Harry back home and no, it wasn’t his mother.
“We’re having trouble with building our tent.” Harry replied, feeling better now, and perhaps a bit awkward.
“Oh, do you have your manual?” Cho asked in a gentle voice.
“Er, it’s in German…” he lied.
“We’ll help build it then…” Cedric politely said to the other party’s annoyance.
“Oh and Mr. Potter, we won’t be needing a crowbar…” Cedric added with an uneasy smile.
“Righto…” James replied, lowering the crowbar and Lucius smirked and so with the help of the charming muggle-style camp helpers, the tent was built.
Inside the tent…
“I cannot believe them! They’re utterly impossible!” James bellowed angrily.
“What do you expect, Dad. They’re Malfoys with Snape. Give us a box of homemade cupcakes? They hate us, we hate the them. ” Harry rolled his eyes.
“We left them alone. Can’t they leave us in our own solitude, right Sirius?” James added in struggling to open a muggle water bottle.
“That’s it!” Sirius smiled happily, as if he just had a bright idea. Speaking of which…
“What’s what?” James asked in confusion, drinking from his water bottle.
Sirius looked at James and James looked at Sirius. Suddenly, James’s face lit in amusement. All Harry saw was raising brows, smiling and eyes movement and well, they seemed to understand each other.
Harry raised his eyebrows in confusion.
“You know what, James, I think I’m up for some marauding tonight.”
“Wait, I’m confused, right now. You don’t expect me to do that thing you were doing, right?” Harry asked, looking baffled. Sirius and James roared with laughter.
“Okaaay…” Harry whispered, freaked out.
“Go on and tell him, Pads!” James laughed enthusiastically.
“Revenge is so sweet. Harry, my boy, tonight is the night when Prongs will ride free again, and the Malfoys’ campsite is just the place for it.” Sirius grinned sinisterly, and his grey eyes gave a mischievous glint, and with that Harry understood.
So…REVIEW. This was a random stroy and an overused plot. :)) Next chapter!
“Hey, look Father. It’s Bambi!”
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