By midnight that night, Ron and Hermione had gone home. Not surprisingly, there was no cake left, and all the wrapping paper had been disposed of. The party room looked like it had the day before. Harry strolled through the halls of the house of Voldemort, lost in his own thoughts. He was interrupted by Draco Malfoy.
“What are you doing out here?” Draco sneered.
“What are you doing out here? This is my house!” Harry retorted. Draco couldn’t dispute that.
“Um, just going for a walk,” Draco mumbled. Harry frowned and continued on his way. Draco continued his walk as well before a revelation came to him.
“I was just bullied by Harry Potter! You’re losing your touch Draco!” he thought to himself.
“Vincent! Hey! Look what I got you!” Harry ran into the dining room where he found Vincent eating the leftover roast chicken of the party the day before. His mouth dropped when he saw what Vincent was eating. “Hey, Dad really liked that chicken. I was gonna heat it up for him tonight for dinner!” Vincent dropped his fork.
“Sorry! I didn’t know! I thought anyone could eat it!” Vincent said. Harry thought for a second.
“No worries! I got something else in mind that he’ll like just as well.” Harry pulled out the toy that he had gotten for Vincent. It was identical to his own.
“What’s that?” Vincent eyed the muggle device closely.
“This Vincent, is an air horn!” Harry said before rapidly pressing the button on it twice. Vincent jumped and covered his ears.
“Bloody hell!” he yelled as Harry laughed.
“You gotta see the way people jump when they don’t know it’s coming! Actually, it’s similar to your reaction!” Harry said as he caught his breath. Vincent slowly began to smile.
“You know who would really like those?” he said, a sly smile spreading across his features.
Severus Snape sat in the library in Voldemort Manor, pouring over text upon text. While he had been ordered to abort any and all research on the spell Hermione had created, Severus still enjoyed his time alone in the library. The air was quiet and still, his senses were pleasantly calmed by the scent of the aging paper. All that was missing was a nice glass of Cabernet and some brie and crackers. Or perhaps a nicely aged cheddar. Severus closed his eyes momentarily as he savored the imaginary flavors on his tongue.
“BRRAAAPPPPP!!!!!” the deafening blast startled the professor so much his book was tossed from his hands. It was soon replaced with hysterical laughter. Two teenage boys, one much larger than the other stumbled out from behind a book shelf and ran into the hall. Severus inhaled deeply and picked up his book from the floor. The Dark Lord is not going to be pleased.
By the end of the day everyone had been introduced to the air horns, some more than others. Voldemort walked into his dining room and sat down at the head of the table with a huff. A few people had already started eating. Harry, Vincent, and the Malfoys had begun the meal without him.
“Sorry we didn’t wait for you Dad. Didn’t want it to get cold,” Harry said through a mouthful. Voldemort waved a hand as he didn’t care to speak to the Boy-Who-Gave-Everyone-A-Headache. He picked up his knife and fork and began to vigorously cut his meat. Harry fed himself some mashed potatoes and watched his father chew. Voldemort frowned at him as he slowly ate the food in his mouth. He looked over to Vincent. The round boy was staring thoughtfully at his meal as he chewed slowly. Very slowly for a Crabbe.
“You know, this isn’t that bad.” He said after a few moments. Sipping some water, he swished it around in his mouth to cleanse his palate before tucking back into the food.
“Yes, who would have thought Harry Potter could have made something this enjoyable.” Lucius drawled as he ate a small bite.
“Harry Riddle, and thank you Lucius!” Harry said with a bright smile.
“I don’t understand why everyone is raving so over chicken,” Voldemort said. “Even if it is unlike any chicken I’ve ever tasted.”
“Maybe it’s because it’s not chicken.” Harry said, stuffing more of the pale meat into his mouth.
“What is it?” Voldemort jerked, but couldn’t help but stuff another bite into his mouth.
“Snake. I found a huge one just outside today. Thought it would make a good meal, I’ve heard they taste just like chicken!” Harry explained as he helped himself to another slice from the platter. Voldemort’s insides ran even colder as he heard the words leave Harry’s mouth.
“Snake? Outside?” he managed to get out. Harry smiled as much as he could as he chewed. Vincent swallowed his last bite and Lucius and Draco nodded approvingly through their own mouthfuls. Voldemort leapt up from his seat, knocking the chair over in the process. He raced to the kitchen and kicked the door open. Lying on the kitchen table was Nagini. Well, what was left of her. Four houselves stood around the table, each working on breaking down the large python.
“Out!” he screamed. The houselves shrieked and ran from the room. The sound of their bloody knives hitting the floor echoed off the walls and reverberated through Voldemort’s already throbbing head.
“What was that about?” Harry asked back in the dining room. Vincent shrugged.
“Dunno.” Peter Pettigrew came running into the room.
“Lucius! Have you seen Nagini? Master asked me to let her out today. To let her do some hunting. I haven’t seen her for hours! You didn’t by any chance see her did you?” His eyes bugged out as he grasped the robes of his fellow Death Eater. The four sitting at the table became silent. The door opened to the dining room and Voldemort stepped in. In his arms, he held what was left of his pet. Peter looked over at his master and let out a startled cry. Harry looked over at the carcass, then down at his plate. The rest of the party slowly laid down their forks and pushed their plates away from them. Voldemort stared at Harry with a look of pure death and destruction. Without a word he began to slowly walk to the door that led to the hall.
“This was Nagini?” Lucius said with a tone of horror and nausea. Harry shrugged his shoulders, his eyes wide. He honestly didn’t know that it was Nagini that he had caught outside earlier that day. He watched his father walk past him. The red irises never left Harry’s green ones. Harry started to look around.
“Draco!” he said suddenly and accusingly.
“What?” Draco shot back. Harry didn’t answer and just left the table after his father left the room.
“Is he alright?” A random Death Eater asked Harry as he passed by his master’s bedroom. Harry had been sitting there since morning. Last night he thought he saw a figure carrying a dead Nagini outside and bury her in the garden. Since then, he had camped outside his father’s room.
“Not sure. He’s been awfully quiet. I haven’t heard him throw anything for a while now,” Harry reported. Harry stood and softly knocked on the door.
“Dad? Are you alright?” Harry called. There was no answer from inside the chamber. He turned, shrugging his shoulders at the Death Eater. Harry really hadn’t meant to kill Voldemort’s pet and serve her for dinner. He really did feel terrible about that. He couldn’t imagine someone serving him roasted Hedwig. Harry’s stomach lurched at the thought.
“Well, could you tell him that the other Death Eaters are here for the meeting?” the brown haired man told Harry. Harry nodded.
“Dad? Did you forget about your DE meeting today? Your followers are here waiting for you.” A sound came from behind the door before it was opened swiftly.
“The meeting shall begin straight away,” Voldemort said, sweeping past Harry and the Death Eater. The Death Eater followed Voldemort, leaving Harry behind just outside of his father’s room. He sighed, stepped into the bedroom, and began to straighten things up a bit.
“How about a raccoon? I’ve heard those things are vicious when they want to be.”
Voldemort had given his men an assignment. He needed a new pet and they were going to find him one.
“No! He needs something larger, more frightening! How about a Siberian Tiger, my Lord? You could set it on Harry Potter?” Bellatrix suggested. Voldemort scoffed.
“And kill myself in the process? Honestly woman, I think that black hair dye has done something to your brain!” Voldemort rubbed his forehead. He sat on his throne in the meeting room, all his followers sitting on the stone benches that formed a circle. His right elbow rested on the armrest, while his head was in his right hand. A few men hid their smirks with their hands. Others opted to examine the walls behind them to conceal their amusement.
“I don’t dye my hair!” Bellatrix hissed to the one next to her.
“Don’t even try lying to me Bella,” Snape said. “I’ve seen those roots.”
“One of the sisters must be dying their hair and I know Narcissa is a natural blonde,” Lucius commented. Snape bit his cheek to keep from laughing.
“Pets, people. I just want you to think of one pet for me,” Voldemort said, closing his eyes in frustration.
“What about another snake?”
“I don’t want another snake!” Voldemort shouted. “I want Nagini back!”
he thought. “No. Something else. Something terrifying.”
“No. Potter would probably try to kill that too.”
“A lemur isn’t scary!”
“Have you heard them cry?”
“What about a lion?”
All conversation stopped when they heard that suggestion. Voldemort lowered his hand looked up to stare at the Death Eater that suggested a lion.
“I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that,” Voldemort brought his head back to his hand. Everyone but Voldemort seemed to notice the light bulb that hovered over to him and stopped over his head. Voldemort was alerted to its presence when it turned on, casting an artificial yellow hue over his skin. Harry snickered from the door.
“Just thought I would help!”
“How about a shark?”
“Oh and is he gonna carry it around with him in a saltwater tank?” Lucius snapped.
“I want an alligator,” Voldemort murmured.
“Alligators are only found in China and America, my Lord.” Draco pointed out. Voldemort looked down at the Malfoy heir, disappointment etched in his features.
“I’ve forgotten. Are you a wizard or a complete waste of space?” Draco blushed and looked down. Harry stepped into the room.
“An alligator is a perfect pet for you Dad! I’ve heard that the eyes of an older alligator can glow red when you shine a light at them. Kind of like yours! They like to live in warm, moist environments, but that’s not a problem. I know a couple of men who can hook me up with a lovely indoor swamp,” Harry rattled on. “Oh Dad, I just wanted to mention something I found while cleaning your room today. In these notes on your plots for world domination, you kept using the wrong form of ‘their’. When you are talking about something that’s not where you are, you should write there, as in t-h-e-r-e. Not t-h-e-i-r. That is used to describe something that belongs to someone. And America is spelled with a c, not a k.” Harry said, as he pointed out the errors he had highlighted in red. Voldemort grabbed the papers and stuffed them into his robes. Harry jumped and sighed at his father’s outburst.
“What are you doing going through my things?” Voldemort snarled.
“I was just cleaning and I found them. Stop repressing your anger Dad.” Harry put his hand on Voldemort’s shoulder and started pulling him out of the room.
“Meeting’s adjourned!” he yelled as he let Harry escort him out of the room.
“I’m going to get this alligator for you and get one of the dungeon rooms set up for it. In the mean time I think you really should work on this anger issue. Deep breaths help immensely, I really don’t want you to work yourself into a heart attack or anything like that. Another thing I want you to watch out for, because I care about your sanity,” Harry spared a glance back to his potions professor, “Watch your thoughts. Especially around Snape. He has a knack for ‘knowing things’ he shouldn’t.”
Voldemort looked over his shoulder at Snape with new suspicion as he left the room.
Two days later saw Voldemort walking around with his new pet alligator on the monogrammed leash that Harry had made. The leash came with a matching leather green collar. Silver studs spelled out the name Crup.
“I thought Crups were these little creatures that looked like Jack Russel terriers Dad,” Harry said.
“But they are extremely loyal to wizards and very ferocious to muggles,” Voldemort said, stroking this new pet’s head. Crup was huge. He was 15 feet long and still growing. Alligators were known to live around 50 years, so Voldemort expected Crup to grow to a very impressive size. Very intimidating and powerful.
“Right then Harry, your indoor swamp is complete. We’ve got the pond along the south wall and the nest just nearby on the west wall.” Fred and George stepped out of the dungeon, pocketing their wands as they did so. Before they could close the door in time, a few insects buzzed out of the room.
“Thanks guys! I’m sure Crup will be very pleased!” Harry handed them the payment for one deluxe indoor swamp. Voldemort took off Crup’s leash and let him creep into his new home through the magical pet door he had spelled into the door.
“Just be sure to either let him out to feed or let some wildlife loose in there. We can’t supply animal life other than the insects with this swamp kit,” George reminded the new owners. He followed a spot with his eyes and swatted Voldemort on the arm. “Mosquito.”
“Speaking of feeding, what does an alligator eat anyways?” Fred asked, swatting away a fly buzzing past his head.
“Mainly anything that gets close enough. The owner at the pet store suggested anything that he can swallow in one bite. Chickens, moles,” Harry explained. His eyes caught Draco as the blonde walked past them. “Ferrets.”
“Alligators eat ferrets?” Fred asked. Draco jumped and began looking around him on the floor wildly.
“Oh yes. Just as long as they can get their jaws around it, they can eat it. Did you know an alligator’s jaws can snap a human’s leg in half like it was a piece of string cheese?” Voldemort said, directing his statement toward Draco. Draco gulped and quickly made an exit. Harry swatted his father on the shoulder.
“Mosquito. So it was nice seeing you guys again. Be sure to come back and visit soon!” Harry waved at Fred and George as they left. Harry and Voldemort stood at the door to Crup’s home. The door had been spelled so one could view Crup’s habitat through it. Much like at a zoo. Currently, Crup was busy gathering items to make a nest. He was soon satisfied and nestled into his bed.
“He should double in size. I’ll be feeding him with some food laced with growth potions.” Voldemort said absently.
“Can his jaws really snap a person’s legs like you said?” Harry asked.
“Not sure. I just like to see Draco squirm,” he said as he walked away.
Voldemort’s joy with his new pet was short lived. Crup did bring him hours of entertainment. Voldemort thought he couldn’t get enough of him sitting deadly still while an unsuspecting prey soon found itself crushed by the powerful jaws of the alligator. However, there was still the fact that Harry Riddle resided in his home.
“No! Harry Potter! He’s not your son!”
Voldemort silently berated himself.
”Do you have the proof that he isn’t? He has the proof that he is!”
a little voice said.
“Dammit Snape! Get out of my head! I can tell you’re there!” he shouted.
“What’s that my Lord?” Snape called over from the hallway. He just happened to be passing by when he heard Voldemort shout his name.
“Nothing,” Voldemort said and quickly brought up his mental wall that he used quite often. He needed out. He needed to get out and stretch his legs. Soon he had arranged the Muggle terrorizing team he was going to use that night. Him, Lucius, and Bellatrix. She always had some good ideas for a fun night. He had just put on his robes when he noticed something very odd. His mask. It was just where he had left it. Only it was covered in green glitter. A knock sounded at his door. Voldemort paused, testing to make sure there was someone in fact there. The knock sounded again, only more insistent. The door opened with a spell from the Dark Lord and an infuriated Lucius and Bellatrix walked in.
“My Lord! Look!” they showed him their masks, which were identical to his own.
“Tell me it was him and I’ll make him sorry he ever went to Hogwarts!” Bellatrix growled, her eyes dark and insane. More so than they normally are.
“That won’t be necessary Bellatrix,” Voldemort walked out of the room and to Harry’s. Unfortunately for Voldemort and fortunately for Harry, he was not there. A short search ensued and he was located just outside with Vincent Crabbe. The three Death Eaters stepped outside, only to have Lucius suddenly hit the ground with a yelp of pain. Rolling on the ground, holding his leg, Voldemort saw a splatter of bright pink paint on Lucius’ robes. Before he could wonder what it was and where it had come from, Bellatrix was howling and hissing. He looked over at her to see her clutching the baby blue stain on her arm.
“Hey Tommy boy!” One of the teenagers, though Voldemort couldn’t tell who called his attention away from Bellatrix. Voldemort hear the faint airy pop sound before he felt the sting on his own chest. Doubling over from the pain, Voldemort looked down at the lime green starburst on his black robe. The sounds of Death Eaters in pain were soon drowned out by the sound of teenage laughter. Harry and Vincent ran out from the bushes, both holding paint ball guns. They hit the other three with another round of paintballs before running around to the other side of the house.
“My Lord, please,” Bellatrix moaned, leaning against a stone pillar to regroup from the attack.
“If she doesn’t, I will,” Lucius said, pulling up his pant leg to inspect where the paintball hit him. “It broke the skin!” he wailed in surprise. Voldemort inspected the sticky pigment staining his robe.
“In the morning,” he said darkly.
Ok, so this time I used numbers 2, 34, 38, 39, 42, 44, 46, and 52 of the 103 ways to annoy Lord Voldemort. That means I've used only 32 of the 103 ways! Oh man. Voldy's gonna remind us all of Trelawney by the time I'm done with him! Complete with the Sherry perfume too I'm sure! So I wasn't able to fit in the saran wrap like I said I was going to in my last AN, but we'll see if it makes it in the next chapter! See ya then! R & R!
A/N 2: Spoiler Alert! Don't read this author note if you haven't read DH!
So ya know that comment about Harry being served roast Hedwig? That was so not intentional! Seriously, I wrote this chapter before DH came out and I just noticed it the other day when I was reading through the chapter. I couldn't believe I thought of that! Maybe I'm a Seer . . .