Chapter 18 : Changes For the Better, So She Thinks
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Shay got up early for the umpteenth day in a row. It was her routine to go down to the common room, sit in front of the window, and watch the sun come up. But today felt different. Shay had nothing to do after the sun came up. She had no funerals to plan, no people to meet, no classes to attend. She had nothing and she had never felt so obsolete in her whole life.
"Hey there beautiful."
Shay felt as if she jumped ten feet out of her chair.
"Merlin Sirius, don't sneak up on me like that," Shay said trying to calm her nerves.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," Sirius said and gave her a kiss on the forehead.
She gave him a small smile and returned her gaze back to the rising sun.
"How are you feeling?"
"I feel fine, I'm just really tired."
"Just tired? Come on Shay, what's really on your mind?" Sirius asked.
"Nothing Sirius. I don't feel like talking right now."
"Do you ever want to talk about anything?" Sirius asked frustrated.
"Why are you being an ass?" Shay asked and finally gave him her attention.
"Shay, all I want is for you to open up to me. Why can't you do that?"
"Sirius, I can't open up to anyone. What makes you so special?" Shay said with a small sneer.
"Well let's see, I've known you my whole life, you're one of my best friends, and I happen to be your boyfriend, incase you didn't know." Sirius said and counted the reasons off on his fingers.
"Sirius, what the hell do you think is on my mind? My brother just died and that means I have no family left. None of them even showed up to the damn funeral. I feel so alone in this world right now, that is makes me sick. And the one person that should have some idea of what I'm feeling right now doesn't seem to be getting the point!" Shay yelled with frustration.
Shay turned her head away from Sirius. She couldn't even look him in the eye.
"So that's how you're going to solve our problems, turn the other cheek."
"Yea, I guess so," Shay said quietly.
There was a long awkward silence and Shay could feel Sirius looking at her.
"Listen, I'm sorry. I should be more sensitive. I just feel like I can't help because you won't open to me. You never had a problem before, so why do you have one now?"
Shay glared at him and got up quickly.
"Things change Sirius. Get use to it," she said and quickly disappeared into the girls' dormitory.
Shay spent the whole day in bed with her hangings closed. She felt so defeated that she couldn't move. She didn't even have the energy to roll over. Niki and Lily had returned from the day's classes.
"Shay, we brought you some food," Niki said.
Shay gave a mumbled answer.
"Come on Shay. I know you haven't eaten all day," Lily said.
Shay quickly reached out and grabbed the food so the other two would shut up. Niki and Lily looked at each other and walked out of the room.
Shay thought she finally had some quiet when she heard Sirius's voice.
"Hey, can I come in?" Sirius asked.
Shay gave another mumbled answer.
"I'll take that as a yes," Sirius said and opened her hangings.
Shay gave him another glare.
"Look I'm sorry for whatever I did. I'm just trying to be here for you."
Shay was still silent.
"So, you're still not talking."
"Sirius, I was going to kill myself last night," Shay said.
"What?! Are you ok? Do you need to talk to Professor Dumbledore?" Sirius asked with concern.
"No, Sirius. I didn't do it. I don't need to talk to anyone. But I'm not going to be ok. And… I can't do this anymore."
"Us. I can't be with you right now. It's just too much,” Shay said and waited for his reaction.
"Wait are you breaking up with me?" he asked confused.
Shay nodded her head and tried to hold back her tears.
"I don't understand. I didn't do anything."
"I know. I just… I need time Sirius. I can barely live my own life right now. How am I supposed to be part of yours?"
Sirius connected eye contact with Shay one more time and quickly got up and left, slamming the door behind him.
"Sirius, what's wrong?" Niki asked as they all watched him slide down from the girls’ dormitory with a furious look on his face.
"Shay just broke up with me," Sirius said with anger.
"What? Why?" James asked.
"I don't know. I've done nothing but been there for her and look what I get."
"Sirius, I don't know what to say. I know she's sad but this is a bit ridiculous," Lily said.
"You guys, she's hurt and she doesn't know how to deal with it. Just give her time," Niki said.
"I've been giving her time. She's in this shell and she won't let anyone come in. Especially me," Sirius said and sat down with a thump.
"Just sit there and cool down Sirius. Niki and I will go talk to her," Lily said and got up, pulling Niki behind her.
Niki pulled Lily aside as they were walking up the stairs.
"I'm not going to talk to her about this," Niki said.
"Because it's none of our business. This is between the two of them and to be honest I don't think what she did was a bad thing. Shay did this because she thought it was the right thing. Just take my advice and stay out of it!"
Niki stormed out of the common room. Lily was a little shocked. She never saw Niki get that upset.
Lily walked into the dormitory and saw Shay lying on her bed, with her hands under her head looking up at the ceiling.
"Shay we need to talk," Lily said and leaned against Shay’s bedpost.
"Ok, shoot," Shay said and kept her gaze at the ceiling.
"I talked to Sirius."
"Ah, news does travel fast," Shay said with a smirk.
"Shay how could you do this to him? He is a wreck right now. I'm afraid pretty soon he's going to be the one in depression," Lily said and regretted her word choice.
"I thought you were here to talk to me, not insult me," Shay said and finally looked at Lily.
"Well Shay you know I'm always on your side but this time I can't agree with you. Sirius loves you and you just threw him aside like every other piece of trash you ever dated."
"Are you kidding me Lily? You don't think I know that he loves me. That's why I broke up with him because I can't love him back right now. And if you were a good friend you'd stay out of it!"
"You know what Shay, just because your life is miserable doesn't mean you get to make others the same." Lily said, almost raising her voice to a holler.
"Lily, I don't put my opinion out on your life too much and I would expect the same from you. But I've always stood up for you when people give you shit about being a know-it-all and a muggleborn, and I would at least think you could support me on this one. Well, fuck you, Lily Evans. You're not as good of a friend as I thought," Shay said and whipped the hangings around her bed closed.
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