Disclaimer: As I have said, I don’t own Harry Potter, but in this chapter I also have to add that I don’t own Annie. Drat.
A/N: This chapter is kind of a filler one, and hence, is shorter than you have become accustomed to. However, this chapter was needed because I couldn’t just leave Piper and Sirius hanging. Enjoy.
You Hate Me
Chapter 12: The Two Headed Freak of Hogwarts
The Forbidden Forest had always, quite frankly, scared the bejeezus out of Piper. She point blank refused to enter it without a proper escort.
Sirius Black was not a proper escort.
Two hours had passed since Sirius had kissed her and they were still glued together. They hadn’t noticed this, of course, until they broke away from each other only to find that they couldn’t break away from each other at all. Her hand was locked firmly in his, their chests mashed together in an uncomfortable position, and Sirius’s arm around Piper’s lower back was beginning to tire. Besides, their lips were swollen and sore as well. Thankfully, their lips somehow escaped the power of the glue. Their awkward positioning made it nearly impossible to mosey out of the public’s eye; but, luckily enough, Sirius was a three legged race champion, and they bunny hopped into the dark forest. Indeed, Piper was beginning to feel increasingly uncomfortable around Sirius and she could only think that this mishap happened at exactly the least opportune time. After all, if he had kissed her without the blasted adhesive she would have been able to run away.
On the way there, they fell down forty times, stepped on each other’s feet one hundred and nine times, head butted one another eight times, Sirius poked Piper in the eye with his nose, Piper stubbed her toe, and Piper’s breasts hurt from being mashed against Sirius’s chest for two long hours.
Yes, Piper hated the Forbidden Forest; but she hated it exponentially more with an unreliable escort (who she happened to be glued to), a headache (from falling down so many times), and with a toe that was possibly going to have to be amputated. All she needed was for a vampire or werewolf to come and abduct her or do whatever it is that werewolves and vampires do and her life would be all set.
“How—much—of—that—powder—did—you—use?” Piper gritted her teeth. She leaned as far away from Sirius as she could, she wasn’t about to have her head stuck on his chest or neck or something.
Sirius mimicked Piper’s idea. With his luck her hair would get stuck to his chin and he would have a beard for the rest of his life—and she would be bald. “I didn’t use that much, I swear. Maybe it just affects humans differently than doors.”
“Maybe it just—maybe it just,” Piper repeated, “Oh my God. I’m going to be stuck like this for the rest of my life. I’m going to be stuck with you for the rest of my life. Oh my God. Piss. Shit. Oh my God.”
“Cheer up sweetheart. Look,” Sirius cleared his throat and began to sing.
”’The sun'll come out
Bet your bottom dollar
There'll be sun!’”
Sirius emphasized with jazz fingers, or as jazzy as he could accomplish considering his hands were glued around Piper’s back and hands.
Piper was unimpressed.
’”Just thinkin' about
Clears away the cobwebs,
And the sorrow
'Til there's none!’”
He wasn’t singing, per se, he was more speaking the words in a slow and obnoxious tune, stressing the words that rhymed such as ‘sun’ and ‘none’, completely ruining the song for any true Annie fans that happened to be listening. Imagining an Annie loving vampire did not comfort Piper in the least.
“Come on, Piper, you know the words!” Sirius was starting to sing louder and higher pitched.
”’When I'm stuck with a day
I just stick out my chin”
He stuck up his chin.
Just as he was about to hit the climax of his performance Piper put an end to it. “Stop, stop, stop.” She stopped from putting her hands over her ears just in time; they surely would have been glued there had she forgotten. “Okay, let’s think this through logically. What happens if we don’t get unstuck?”
“We could join one of those Muggle freak shows. Just think. We could be Mean Girl and Cute Boy: The Two Headed Freak.” Sirius nodded vigorously.
He was lucky Piper’s hand was stuck elsewhere or she would have slapped him.
“If we don’t find a way to undo this we’ll have to go to the Hospital Wing. If we go to the Hospital Wing we’ll have to say how we got stuck this way. If we say how we got stuck this way it will mean mentioning the glue powder stuff. If we mention the glue powder stuff they will know that we glued the doors shut. If they know we glued the doors shut they’ll—“
“Okay, there are way too many if-then sentences in that little soliloquy. You have to learn how to calm down, and live in the moment, you know,” Sirius searched his memory for the correct words, “veni vidi vici, seize the day.”
“Veni vidi vici means I came, I saw, I conquered, idiot.”
“Okay, Ms. I-Know-Everything-About-Latin.”
“That’s right; I do know everything about Latin. Any more proverbs for me, Proverb Boy?” Piper poked Sirius hard in shoulder with her one free hand. She regretted it when she couldn’t pull her finger back.
“I’ve got plenty: A friend in need is a friend indeed. A hungry man is an angry man. Faint heart never won fairy lady. Barking dogs seldom bite. Oh, and bros before hos.”
“You’re ridiculous,” said Piper.
“You’re ridiculous,” said Sirius.
“Am not,” said Piper.
“Are too,” said Sirius.
“Am not,” said Piper.
“Oh, look, the spell wore off!”
“Nah, I was just pulling your chain.”
The thick woods around them seemed to come to life and laugh. It was growing darker and colder every moment. If the spell didn’t ware off soon they would either freeze to death or be eaten by a Runespoor or some other beastly creature.
“What was that?” Piper jumped. Something was definitely crashing through the trees. As the darkness cast eerie shadows on everything from leaves to boulders the forest became more menacing. They were only ten feet into the woods, but ten feet for their mutant form was equivalent to one hundred feet. Piper hoped that if anything tried to attack their freakishness would ward it off.
“What was what?” Sirius hadn’t heard anything. “Afraid of the dark too, Piper?” He laughed at his own joke but stopped abruptly. That was, without a doubt, the sound of a breaking stick. And it was close. Sirius jerked his head to right. Piper understood what he meant and they slowly began to inch out of the forest. Whatever was coming at them was faster; it had to be five feet from Piper’s back.
Sirius could have punched himself. His wand was there, securely tucked into his pocket, but as his hands were elsewhere, it was unattainable. Maybe, since it was so close to him a spell would work. Or, he thought dryly, he and Piper could work together and get one of their wands. He voiced the idea. Piper nodded, and with their double-hand, they somehow managed to battle Piper’s wand out of her pant pocket.
The thing was closer now. Only three feet away in the dark brush. Sirius was ready to Stupefy whatever it was when it got any closer. Then, it crashed through the clearing. Sirius raised the wand high, almost breaking Piper’s arm in the process, and almost cursed the thing when he realized what—who it was.
“Students aren’ allowed in the fores’.” Hagrid, the gamekeeper, barked. “Now get yer hands off each other and git back up to th’ castle. Oy, is that you, Black? ‘Ow many times do I have to tell ya that yer not to bring yer dates down ‘ere, huh?” Hagrid muttered incomprehensible words while shaking his head.
“No, no, I’m not his date.” Piper said.
Hagrid glared at Sirius, his small, black, eyes penetrating the student. He looked from their swollen lips to their flushed cheeks and laughed gutturally, shaking his heavy, fur lined coat. “Tha’s what they all say. Wha’s yer name, anyways?”
“Pie? Yer name’s Pie?”
“No, no,” Piper said, slightly shaken. She had never met the gamekeeper before. She had seen him on the grounds whistling merrily or else drinking merrily, but had never had any contact with him. Secretly, she would have rather a gargoyle had crashed through the trees than the huge, wild-looking man. “My name’s Piper Redden.”
A dark cloud crossed Hagrid’s face for a fraction of a second.
“See, Hagrid, we’re in a bit of a fix. We’re kind of…uh…glued together.” Sirius said.
“Yeah, I can see that, you ruddy rule breaker.”
“No, we are literally glued together.” He demonstrated by pulling himself as far away from Piper as he could. Consequently, it wasn’t far, since they were, as had previously been stated, glued together. Sirius contemplated for a moment and grinned. “And since you do owe me for not telling anyone about that little mermaid incident I think the least you can do is help us.”
Hagrid swore loudly and went off into a tangent about teenagers who think they know everything. “All righ’, all righ’, I’ll help you.” He held up a finger, “But only ‘cus I owe you one. Come on, we’ll go to my hut, its close.”
Hagrid’s hut was flooded with warmth. Piper and Sirius needed the heat; too, they had fallen down ten more times into the snow on the way to Hagrid’s. A black boarhound puppy ran to Hagrid the moment he walked in the door. It scratched Hagrid’s leg, begging to be petted.
“Still haven’ named ‘im yet.” Hagrid mumbled. “Fancy a cuppa tea?”
Sirius shook his head wildly when Piper opened her mouth to say ‘yes’. “No thanks, Hagrid.” Sirius said. “Why not name him Sirius. That’s a great name for such a cute puppy.”
“Funny, Black. Now, why don’ you tell me how you got yerself glued together. I’d ask you ter sit down…but…well…I don’ see that workin’”
Sirius told him everything, but, thankfully, he left out their kiss.
“Shoulda known that it was you and yer friends that glued those doors shut.” Hagrid said. “Lot o’ trouble to go through for just one day off.”
“Yeah, well, can you help us or not, Hagrid?” Sirius asked.
“I’d’ usually say that it’d be best ta let it wear off. But who knows how that powder reacts ter humans. Lemme see if I can’t find sommat.” He dropped his big, bulky coat on his bed and began to rummage through his cupboards.
“Here we go, here we go—down boy—this mi’ work.” Hagrid held a long, clumsily shaped bottle in his hands; though with some difficulty as the puppy was still eager to have some attention. “I use it ter unstick the flubberworms after they’re done matin’. It’s dead useful.”
Sirius and Piper were less than keen to try the solution. Their curled noses and disgusted expressions tipped Hagrid off to their unwilling attitude.
“Wha’, they get real sticky then start to flail aroun’ an’ make a really ruddy mess abou’ it. Now, do you wanta try it or don’t ya? Remember, you asked me for help.”
Perhaps it was the prospect of having Sirius slather flubberworm mating detacher all over his body that made Hagrid much more cheerful.
“Now you,” Hagrid pointed to Piper, “I don’ wanta hear anything else abou’ you running amok with this here trouble maker.”
“No, no, I won’t.” Piper said. If it was possible, she clung even tighter to Sirius at Hagrid’s words. The man was just…giant. She knew he was probably kind behind that large—very large—body, but he would take some getting used to.
“Now,” Hagrid placed a large gob of the creamy, milk white cream on their hands and rubbed it in very well. He progressed to pour it down their middle, on Piper’s back, and on the finger Piper had embedded into Sirius’ shoulder. “Let that soak in for a mo’.”
Slowly—Very, very, painfully, achingly, slow they began to detach.
“I’ll hose ya down if you wan’.” Hagrid offered. He was spectacularly joyous at the sight of the teens covered in the disgusting substance. He hoped they accepted—his hose had cold water.
“No thanks, Hagrid.” Sirius shook his arms and legs to rid himself of the slop infesting his robes. “We’d best be getting back up to the school. Oh, and er…we’d appreciate it if you kept this, you know, quiet.”
Hagrid glowered. On one hand, he owed it to Professor Dumbledore to tell him who had caused the commotion at the school and simultaneously get Black in trouble (which he damn well deserved in Hagrid’s opinion). But, on the other hand, Black had kept the mermaid incident under wraps, and, Hagrid had to give it to him; he knew how to pull off a practical joke. Besides, Hagrid didn’t want to get the nice looking girl in trouble also. She seemed nice enough—even if Hagrid knew all about her family and their ways. If there was one thing Hagrid knew about, it was being judged by your family. He shook his giant, bearded head. “Nah, Black, I won’ tell on ya.”
“Excellent,” Sirius brightened up exponentially. “We’ll be seeing you around Hagrid!” Sirius was halfway out of the door by the end of his sentence.
Piper, forgetting herself even then, held out her hand. “It was a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Hagrid.” Her manners always got the best of her when she was put in a gauche position.
Hagrid took one look at her clumpy, gooey, hand, and made an unsure face. Then, he enfolded her small hand in his giant one and shook it hard. “Good ta meet you as well. And I mean what I said,” he pointed to Sirius behind his hand, “that one’s trouble.”
“Tell me about it.” Piper said before walking out of the door.
* * * *
The remainder of the day had been taken up by Piper and Sirius’ desperate bid to unglue themselves from one another. Point in fact; the day had been quite uneventful—unless one counted Piper and Sirius kissing (for the third time), Lily giving Chris Perry a black eye, and Piper and Sirius being covered from head to toe with flubberworm unsticker.
Now weighing several pounds more due to their robes dripping with goo, Piper and Sirius trudged their way through the snow and up the cobblestone to the castle. Laughing slightly about their current state and longing over a hot shower the two slowly made their way up to the Gryffindor common room.
“So what was the mermaid incident?” Piper asked out of curiosity.
“Can’t tell you,” Sirius said, elbowing Piper playfully in the ribs. “I’m sworn to secrecy.”
Piper was still feeling dreadfully awkward about the situation. She wasn’t exactly the type of girl to know what to do in a kissing sort of situation—especially a kissing situation with Sirius. Sure, she had made the mistake of nearly shagging Alexander, but he was different in too many ways. Her thoughts were interrupted just as she was thinking of ways to handle Sirius. She wasn’t sure, but she thought she slightly liked his kisses even if she still didn’t like him.
“STOP RIGHT THERE!” A voice rang out through the stoned corridor.
Piper and Sirius halted immediately. They knew that voice all too well. It was only perfect that their robes were still leaking with the creamy liquid Hagrid had used, it was thirty seconds until curfew, and they looked (quite frankly) guilty.
Filch was foaming at the jowls by the time he reached Piper and Sirius. He was still new at his job and his hate for students was just beginning. However, this hate had begun with James Potter, Sirius Black, Peter Pettigrew, and Remus Lupin. “Cleaned—floors—all—day—ruined—kill—dirty—punishment—detention—dirty—cleaned—floors—students—respect—none—hang—by—wrists—you—will!”
Though his woods made no sense stringed together, Piper and Sirius understood the moral. They were in trouble.
“You’ll pay you will,” Filch had calmed down some. It seemed his cat, Mrs. Norris, had been stomped on in his tirade and had clawed him for it. He nursed his leg and continued in his oily voice. “You’ll come with me now and serve your detention. Clean the whole Great Hall with a toothbrush you will.” He led them away by their ears. Filch seemed to have forgotten that the house-elves cleaned the Great Hall every evening.
Piper was in a daze from pure exhaustion, confusion, and the fumes from her robes were beginning to make her sick. She barely noticed when Filch stopped a store cupboard filled to the brim with toothbrushes, took out the two most haggard looking, and finished dragging them to the Great Hall. “Get to it then!” Filch slammed the door shut behind him (the Marauders and Piper had decided the day before that they would leave this door unglued since, as Peter put it, “People have to eat.”).
Piper got on her hand and knees and swore. She would pass out before this punishment was done. But, as Filch left, there was nothing stopping them from using magic. She had her wand out of her pocket and was about to clean the area with a sweep of her wand when she heard Sirius behind her.
He was singing.
“It’s the hard-knock life for us!”
* * * *
Being as cold as he was when he entered the room he shared with Alexander, Rhett Redden became even colder when he saw the owl waiting for him.
“Grey sent another one. Wonder what your sister’s up to this time.” Alexander drawled slowly from his bed. “Befriending more Mudbloods, perhaps?”
“Why do you care, Xander?” Rhett said breathlessly. He was tearing open the letter before Alexander could respond. “Besides,” he said after reading the first line, “I thought you’d be less keen on her after she knocked you out.”
“Black knocked me out. And he’ll pay for it too.” Alexander said. He stood from his bed, tossing the book he had been reading aside. “What does it say?” For Rhett had been reading the letter furiously.
Rhett read aloud, “’I was looking out of my window this morning when I saw the most curious sight: it appears your sister has more regard for Black than you cared to acknowledge. To put it bluntly, I saw them snogging like deprived, hormone driven fiends in the Quidditch pitch. Hope this letter finds you well, Grant G. Grey.’”
Rhett had looked over his sister’s crazed disappearance over the Christmas holiday—most Redden’s went through some sort of mental crisis at one point or another. Rhett thought it best she got it out of her system during her school years rather than acting like a lunatic when she grew older and really demolished the Redden name, he related this to his parents, and they agreed. Carolyn had refused to not send a Howeler, though. But kissing Black? That was one line too far. He was beyond angry at his younger sister. She could have found no less than two hundred pure-bloods to snog, but she had to settle for the one out of the lot that was a ruddy blood traitor. Rhett had liked Sirius to a degree when he had met him at his family’s house in Grimmauld place, but, honestly, the boy was going nowhere fast, and he would drag down his sister in the process.
Alexander coughed violently behind him. He was having a quiet moment with himself as well. He wasn’t good enough for Piper but Black was? That wasn’t possible. It just wasn’t. Everyone wanted him. He would make Piper want him. Even if it took making sure she was disowned. When she was poor, penniless, and neglected she would want him. He was sure of it.
“You might want to write to your mum and dad and tell them what Piper’s doing.” Alexander suggested.
But Rhett was already writing.
Like I said, it’s short, but I wanted to get a chapter out quickly because it will be a while before I can update again. I have like a billion camps and my boss is overloading me with work. I promise that every time I have a spare moment I will try to write.
Write a Review You Hate Me: The Two Headed Freak of Hogwarts