Chapter 2 : Quidditch Sex Gods
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Quidditch Sex Gods
Lily Evans’ scream had woken up about half her household, including her friends Zooey Alridge and William Marling, whose eardrums had had the unfortunate luck of being in the same room as her. As the Evans household was a rather quiet place to spend a lazy Sunday morning in, the neighbors naturally turned to stare at the house, probably wondering if there was some kind of murder or something to gossip about. It had been an extremely dull day after all, even for Surrey.
It was only after Petunia, the eldest Evans daughter, ran out of the house, apologizing to everybody for the noise and explaining that her sister was going through some kind of middle life crisis or something, that the neighbors backed away, albeit disappointed, and went back to moving their lawns.
Had they asked Lily Evans herself what had happened, though, she likely would have said murder: according to the letter she had just received, her life was now officially over.
“I’m not going to freak out” she stated, hoping that if she repeated it enough times, she’d somehow manage to convince herself that Albus Dumbledore had not signed her death sentence. “I’m not going to freak out. I’m not going to freak out. I’m not going to freak out”.
Resident best friends and summer companions Will Marling and Zooey Alridge exchanged shocked looks from their lounging positions on Lily’s bed and floor, respectively. The last time they’d heard Lily scream so loudly, she’d gotten hit on the head with a mince pie by Sirius Black.
And even then, it had been a delicious mince pie.
“I’m not going to freak out” Lily continued, pacing around her bedroom and practically knocking into various bits of furniture. “I’m not going to freak out. I am not going to freak out”
“Blimey, Lily!” said Will, looking almost frightened. He was a lanky and freckled blond boy of seventeen with full lips that were currently caught halfway between a frown of concern and a self-satisfied smirk. “What the hell’s in that letter? Death Eaters are taking over the school? Madonna’s retiring from music business? James Potter got picked Head Boy?”
This time, it took all of Petunia’s energies to reassure their worried neighbors that her sister must’ve accidentally seen some Dr. Who spoilers, and was not, in fact, being sliced in half with a chainsaw as they spoke. Because that was certainly what it sounded like.
“Good Merlin!” shouted Will once it was over, his hands pressing down on his ears to dim the ringing. "You know, why don't we just go sit front-row at a Metallica concert now?” he said sarcastically. “I think our eardrums are properly ready for that kind of martyrdom now"
Zooey, on her part, bit her lip nervously. She brushed away the thick bangs that skimmed the eyelashes of her huge blue eyes, and raked her fingers through her black wavy hair that fell in messy ringlets halfway down her back. She was having a hard time remembering whether Lily had ever in such a state of distress in the past seven years during which she’d been her best mate. She certainly looked ready to throw herself out the nearest window, which was understandable.
As Lily’s best mate, Zooey knew first-hand about all of Potter’s fruitless efforts to persuade Lily to go out with him. Year after year the advances kept coming, to no avail. It was enough to make a girl want to murder half the male population for being so clueless. While the rest of the Gryffindor 7th year girls and practically the entire castle shook their heads at Lily’s constant refusals, Zooey was the only one who supported her.
It was no secret that Zooey didn’t like Potter- after seeing him shack up with practically half the Hogwarts female population, she didn’t trust him to treat her best mate any differently. Zooey had always been too smart for her own good, and she prided herself in being a good judge of character. Potter had failed every test he’d been given. And, as if that wasn’t enough, there had been that thing in fourth year… but it was better not to think about that. Not now.
Now, she felt lost. While she could usually be counted on to provide guidance or at the very least a witty sarcastic comment, right then she felt totally clueless. What was the girl code for a friend who’s having a nervous breakdown again? Chocolate? Karaoke? An emergency screening of Titanic? She groaned internally. She hated Titanic. Everytime she was forced to watch it by her mates it was all she could do not to chuck the nearest small object at the television screen, screaming “Just move the bloody hell over, you fat cow!”.
Also, Will singing “My Heart Will Go On” was something that quite frankly the world just wasn’t ready to face yet.
“You know, I knew you’d be excited about being Head Girl, but I never thought you’d verge on hyperventilation” Will was saying, running a hand through the wispy hair that fell in dirty blond locks well past his ears. Lily stopped pacing around her room and glared at him. “Don’t do that”
“Do what?” Will’s eyebrows rose, his electric and slightly mad blue eyes widening a bit in concern. Maybe his best mate really had lost it. He didn’t know whether this was a good thing or not- a mad mate would certainly be more fun at Quidditch parties.
“Run your hands through your hair like that.” said Lily impatiently. “You look like… like…”
Suddenly she felt drained of all energy, as if the screaming had been too much for her vocal chords at that early hour. She hadn’t even had her waffles yet! How was anyone supposed to react to these kinds of news without even a morsel of carbs in their digestive system? Lily collapsed on her bed with a weary sigh, holding out her letter to her friends and covering her face with her free arm, unable to look at them as Zooey took the letter and read with Will glancing over her shoulder. She didn’t want to bother them while they composed her eulogy.
“Holy…”, gasped Will.
“fucking…” blinked Zooey.
“…hell” groaned Lily, throwing a pillow over her face to keep from screaming again. She was beginning to realize that screaming profusely was not something that was socially acceptable in Surrey.
“Is this a joke?” was the only thing Zooey could think of. “Seriously, is this a joke? What’s Dumbledore playing at?”
“Seriously” repeated Will, trying to keep the slowly creeping grin from his face “You’d think they had learned their lesson when they partnered you two up for Potions two years ago and practically melted a hole in the dungeon wall”
“I am never leaving this bed again” Lily announced flatly. “For the good of mankind, I am never, ever leaving this bed again”
“Don’t be like that” said Will, leaning over and plucking the pillow from her face. His pale, comical face grinned down at her like some kind of maniacal Batman villain. “Potter’s not so bad. According to fifty percent of the female population at Hogwarts, he’s a kind and thoughtful lover.”
“Will” said Lily, her voice devoid of all emotion. “If you don’t put the pillow back on my face I will fully go all Carrie on you”
Will rolled his eyes, but did as he was told, muttering something that sounded like “Women!”.
“This must be one of their jokes” Zooey was saying, squinting at the letter as if to check its validity. She held it up to the light, seemingly checking for watermarks. “That must be it. The Marauders somehow rigged the Hogwarts post system and sent along fake letters.”
Lily suddenly pulled the pillow off her face, looking like she’d had some sort of epiphany. “You know, that does sound like them” she said, giving Zooey a look.
“Oh please” said Will, waving that ridiculous thought away. “Obviously Dumbledore wants to set you up with someone, he must've noticed you haven't had a proper boy in ages"
“I think Dumbledore has more important things to deal with than Lily’s love life, don’t you think?” retorted Zooey. Will rolled his eyes. “That’s what I would do if I were headmaster at least. What’s the point in surrounding yourself with kids if you can’t meddle in their love lives?”A moment later he frowned, evidently thinking it through “Don’t answer that” he added nervously.
Lily and Zooey stared at him for a full minute before Zooey turned to her with an unsure smile. “Maybe it won’t be that bad” she said, trying to sound positive even though she felt the lies seeping through her voice. “Maybe he’s gone to India for the summer and, faced with all the poverty and elephants and whatnot, he’s had a revelation that life is too short to be such an inconsiderate prat and-”
“Threw himself on the path of a loose elephant?”
“…changed. Well, your idea’s good too”
“Here’s another good idea” said Will cheerfully. “Get over yourself and shag him!”
“Will?” Lily said patiently. “Do you remember how we met?”
“How could I forget” sighed Will, eyes glazed and staring in the distance as if watching a cliché flashback scene in a film. “I distinctly remember getting partnered up with you for first-year potions and bonding at the Hospital Wing while Pomfrey screamed at us for not being careful with the glass vials of traling juice.” he looked at Lily in mock devotion. “Sometimes I dip my hands in blue dye and recreate the moment of our first meeting with sock puppets.”
Lily turned to Zooey. “How much does a forgetting Potion cost these days? You know, so he can forget the day he ever met me and decided to take it upon himself to ruin my life?”
“About ten galleons, tops” said Zooey with a smirk. “But I don’t think you’re gonna find anything strong enough to penetrate this bloke’s sick and twisted mind”
Will grinned angelically. “Excuse me, but I am a great friend. Haven’t I taken it upon myself to fix you up with every available bachelor in Hogwarts in hopes that you will find true love?”
“None of them have worked!”
“Oh, really” scoffed Will, rolling his eyes at his mates’ apparent memory loss. “Name one”
“Ichabod Turner, end of fourth year. Pelted with stinkbombs from thin air the minute he struck up the courage to talk to me on the train ride home”
“Well, it was probably for the best” mused Will. “Who wants to marry somebody named Ichabod anyway? Think of the children!”
“Jeremy Crane, fifth year” continued Lily in a flat monotone that hinted at countless nights tallying up these names. “Fell into a hole as we were walking into Hogsmeade for our first date. Spent a week in the Hospital Wing chugging Skello-Gro for his splintered ankles”
“His legs always were exceptionally skinny-”
“Rupert Jacobs, fifth year” interrupted Lily. “Inexplicably started sprouting parsley out of his ears after he told the Gryffindor table of our plans to sneak off to the broom cupboards on the third floor after dinner”
“Well he was a tosser anyway, spreading rubbish gossip like that-”
“Tom Riggs, sixth year” continued Lily, her eyebrow furrowing in growing anger as she recounted all her failed romantic endeavors. “Actually managed to survive a week of being my boyfriend before suffering a serious blow to the head at the Ravenclaw-Gryffindor Quidditch game by a certain Gryffindor chaser”
“I’m sure he was just distracted by the sight of his girlfriend cheering for him on the stands and just flew straight into Potter
“You might as well admit it, Will” sighed Lily warily. “As long as Potter’s around, I’m officially cursed in the dating department”
“Which is exactly why you should get over yourself and shag him!”
“Will!” cried Zooey, her patience spent. She always knew best how to handle their rambling mate, often with bribes or threats. “We’re in the middle of a crisis here! Don't make me use the wand. Don’t. Make. Me.”
Will actually shrank back. “You’re bluffing”
Satisfied, Zooey turned back to face Lily with a big, confident smile. Now that she’d gotten over the shock, she was back into reassuring friend mode. Minus Titanic. She didn’t think she could go so far that early in the morning. “Don’t worry Lily, we’ll protect you.” she reassured her best friend.
“Yeah, until patrol time comes” snorted Will. “No one can save you then from the wrath of Potter’s hormones”.
Lily promptly buried her face in a pillow and wished the ground to swallow her up. “Maybe I should move to Afghanistan”
“I’d reckon it wouldn’t take him long to track you down there.” said Will.
“Quit it William” snapped Zooey. “Lily, I am begging you, get a hold of yourself. If you keep freaking out, eventually your heart will over-extenuate itself and you’ll die of a stroke and leave me alone with him” she glared at Will, who grinned maniacally back at them. “If Potter tries anything, anything at all” said Zooey, turning back to Lily. “We’ll spread a rumor that he’s hypoglacemic or something.”
“You do understand what this means, right?" Lily said, her voice muffled by her pillow. "Operation Ignore is officially off”
“Off?” cried Zooey, appalled. “But we’ve been planning it every since last year on the train ride home, when Potter outdid himself by singing that song from Mamma Mia! to you in front of the entire student population”
Lily groaned aloud. She had tried all summer long to forget what had probably been the crowning embarrassment of her life- which was saying a lot, as embarrassing moments were certainly not something her life lacked. Up until then she thought she’d finally managed to bury the memory of Potter throwing her compartment door open and serenading her with some crackpot musical number with the help of backup dancers Peter Pettigrew and Sirius Black. Remus Lupin, thankfully, had limited himself to instrumental accompaniment playing the recorder, albeit murderously off-key.
“What was it he sang again?” mused Will outloud, even though Lily was sure he remembered exactly. “’Lay All Your Love On Me’, wasn’t it?”
“Because nothing says “Hey, I’m a sane human being worthy of your consideration” like singing an ABBA song to the entire Hogwarts Express” Lily retorted with a thinly veiled guffaw.
“I thought it was cute” said Will, shrugging.
“Of course you would” scoffed Zooey.
“Just ‘cause you hate him for that thing in fourth year…”
“Can we not talk about this please?” Zooey turned to Lily, clearly flustered. Zooey hated talking about the thing in fourth year. It really wasn’t the best thing to bring up when you were trying to calm somebody down. Or convince them to not kill themselves. “What are you planning on doing, then, if you won’t ignore him?”
“Well, it’s going to be kind of difficult to ignore him if I’ve got weekly patrol with him, isn’t it?” snapped Lily. A moment later, she sighed, seeming to deflate at Zooey and Will’s taken aback expressions. “I’m sorry.” she said, more softly now. “I’m being a rubbish mate, I know, it’s clearly not your fault or anything… I don’t even know why I’m yelling at you, really”
“Sexual frustration” suggested Will, but Zooey clocked him in the head with her fist. “Will. The wand” Zooey reminded him sternly.
“Whatever, Potter’s not so bad” commented Will, rubbing the spot above his ear where Zooey had hit him. “He’s really good at Quidditch. And apparently he’s second in line for highest scores on our year’s OWLs, behind Amos Diggory of course, that prat…”
“Good God Will, are you an amnesiac?” Zooey rolled her eyes. “Don’t you remember how he snogged Alexa Rinaldi a mere week after you started going out with her?”
“Well she must’ve been a bit daft to pick him over someone as good-looking as I, so it was probably for the better good that Potter cleared up that little misconception sooner than later.”
“Or when he flung up Severus Snape by ankles and wouldn’t stop threatening to hex him until Lily had to step in?”
“Oh, please” scoffed Will. “There’s a difference between silly immature tricks like that and downright hexing, anyways, Snape and him have been at it for ages, everyone knows that.”
“Or how he’s been sexually harassing Lily like it’s his job ever since the beginning of fifth year?”
“It’s all entirely her fault” Will grinned at Lily, “she has no right to go on looking so pretty and increasing his passion”
“I still hate you” quipped in Lily, although she had to try hard to avoid looking flattered.
“Or the fourth year thing. You know” said Zooey, this time a little more passionately. “When he spread that rumor that I cheated on Binn’s final?”
Will opened his mouth to retort something, but caught himself just in time. For whatever reason, The Incident, as the three of them referred to, wasn’t something Zooey really liked to joke about. “I thought you’d gotten over that.” he said, his voice softer now. “Didn’t that happen in the end of fourth year?”
Zooey looked uncomfortable for a moment. “Yeah… well… I know it sounds stupid. I know. But Potter does stupid things when he’s bored, and they’re not always nice things. And he’s been doing stuff like that for ages now. Who’s to say he won’t treat Lily the same once he gets bored of her?”
“I like him” admitted Will. “I mean, I know you don’t, Zooey” he added hastily, as she promptly glared at him. “And rightly so. But there’s some things people don’t know about him. I’m sure if Lily just gave him a chance-”
“Hello, are we forgetting the fact that I have zero interest in Potter?” snapped Lily impatiently. “He is not going to… break my heart, or whatever, because he doesn’t have my heart! Or something! He doesn’t have my main cardiology organ, okay? He is not going to get bored of me because I will not be spending enough time with him to get bored of me. I’ve decided- Operation Ignore’s back on the map. From now on, I will only acknowledge his presence if the castle is burning down or if he presents me with large amounts of chocolate cake.”
“Look” said Will, holding up his hands. “All I’m saying is, the bloke’s not so bad. He’s clever, funny, popular… what else could you want?”
“See, that’s the problem with you men” said Lily exhaperatedly. “You think it’s just so easy to like someone just because they’re good-looking and clever”
“So you admit he’s good-looking?” snickered Will. Lily glared at him.
“All right, let’s settle down, there’s no need to excommunicate anyone.” said Zooey, sighing. “I think what Lily’s trying to say is that Potter’s constant sexual harassment doesn’t impress her as much as gallantry and kindness would”
“Well, why the bloody hell not?” asked Will. He turned to Lily inquisitively. “Lily, do you have any idea how many girls would kill to be sexually harassed by James Potter?”
She buried her head under the covers. “Look” her voice was muffled through the sheets. “I’m aware that the entire Hogwarts female population thinks I’m mad. And possibly the male population as well. I’m very aware of the fact. But people need to understand that I’m perfectly lucid when I say I don’t want anything to do with Potter. Why can’t people just leave it alone?”
“Because you two are clearly soul mates” groaned Will, as if it were the easiest thing in the world to comprehend. “Friends don’t let friends end up as lonely cat ladies when there’s a total QSG passionately pining for their affections as we speak.”
“QSG?” Zooey felt the need to ask. Will looked at her the way most tabloid addicts regard someone who hasn’t yet heard that Celestina Warwick was in rehab for the fourth time. “Quidditch Sex God, of course”
“This conversation is just getting more and more disturbing with each syllable you utter, you know that, right?” glared Zooey, clearly wondering why she’d ever asked him to open his mouth in the first place, but Lily groaned in despair again.
“Quidditch Sex God? Oh Merlin!” Lily wondered out loud, as she fell back on her bed and stared at her ceiling. “Is that what people find attractive these days?”
“Not everyone’s as old-fashioned as you with love, Lily” said Will. “All your talking of personality and cleverness really doesn’t fit with the oncoming 21st century, you know”
“Well maybe it should.” said Lily defensively. She hated being made fun of just because she appreciated personality over looks. “Any bloke whose biggest hobby is fiddling with a wayward snitch has got to be completely out of his mind. Why does he do that, anyway? I thought he was supposed to be Star Chaser. I know I’m not the best Quidditch fan, but even I know that’s not the ball he plays with!”
Will guffawed “Let’s hope those are the only kinds of balls he plays with”
Zooey just stared at him. “Really.” she said flatly. “Really. You had to go there”
“He’s an idiot” concluded Lily, unsure if she was referring to Potter or Will. Probably both. With a weary sigh, she threw the covers over her head once again. “Kinda hoped it’d be him, not Malfoy who got stuck in the toilets.” she added, her voice slightly muffled by the comforter she’d also thrown over her head for effect.
“You know, I heard he turned up somewhere near Cairo” mused Will. “Apparently the muggle tour guide who found him was moonlighting as a talent scout and offered him a role on Egypt’s Next Top Model. Said he hadn’t seen such bright hair since the goddess Isis appeared to him in a vision while he was in a bathroom stall.”
“Egypt’s Next Top Model?” blanched Zooey, momentarily distracted. “Does that even exist?”
“Not anymore, once Lucy Malfoy’s been through it…”
“Can we please concentrate on the fact that your best friend, Lily Evans, is scheduled to die September 1st?” yelled Lily, clearly annoyed that she’d been forgotten on her hour of need. Mates! One minute they’re feeding you chocolate and telling you everything was going to be all right, the next they’re fawning over Egypt’s Next Top Model.
“Just remember Operation Ignore” said Zooey, trying her hardest to be heard over Will’s cackling. “Just pretend he’s not there. Whatever he says, be indifferent. Whatever he insinuates, pretend to be deaf. Just- oh for Merlin’s sake, Will, would you please stop laughing?”
“Sorry” said Will through guffaws. “Really. Operation Ignore. Right. That’ll work.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” said Zooey, raising an eyebrow. “It’s a brilliant plan”
“For you, maybe” said Will. “You, rational bastard that you are, are a master at ignoring problems as easily as if they didn’t exist. Lily, on the other hand, who has no self-control whatsoever, is destined to fail this charming but hopeless endeavor”
“Hello, I’m laying right here” came Lily’s voice indignantly from under the covers between where Will and Zooey were sitting. “I may be never coming out of bed again, but my hearing still works rather well!”
“Speak for yourself” grumbled Will, making a show of rubbing his temple. “After this morning I don’t think my eardrums will ever be the same”
“And I’m not going to fail Operation Ignore” Lily continued, finally poking her head out of her sheets to glare at Will. “Just because he doesn’t know how to keep his hormones in check doesn’t mean I’ve got any problem keeping them in check for him. I do have self-control. Some. I ordered it especially from Zonko’s last week. Should be arriving any minute now…”
“Ha, ha, you’re hilarious” said Will, rolling his eyes. “Remind me to tell you “I told you so” at your wedding, Mrs. Potter”
“Will” said Zooey, a tone of finality to her voice. “Stop breathing.”
“Gladly” he got up off the bed and strode to the bedroom door, turning before the doorframe to look back at them with a small grin. “I have had enough of you females and your white girl problems. ‘Oh, poor little me, the hottest QSG in Hogwarts pines after me with every ounce of his being and I refuse even look at him because I don’t want to look like I like him, even though I secretly dream about his-”
He yelped as a pillow hit him in the face before he got out those last words.
“Okay, okay, I can take a hint!”
“Women” Will sighed, rolling his eyes. “Completely and utterly mad, the whole lot of you”
“You’re one to talk, you’re the one calling Potter a Quidditch Sex God”
“I regret nothing” said Will, pointing at his friends menacingly. “If you need me, I’ll be downstairs, inhaling your entire fridge and struggling to remember why I surround myself with such loony mates”. Crac. Will disappeared.
Suddenly, before Zooey could turn to Lily to make sure she hasn’t killed herself yet, a scream rang from the first floor of Casa Evans and a muffled crash followed close after, as if someone had dropped a handful of plates.
Zooey and Lily exchanged confused glances, and a minute later they heard the sound of running footsteps up the stairs outside Lily’s bedroom. A moment later, the door burst open and standing directly under the frame, her hand on the doorknob and looking positively murderous, was Petunia Evans.
“Hey freak” she said to her sister as a way of greeting. She glanced at Zooey, who was sitting next to Lily, laying a comforting hand on her shoulder. “Freak numero dos” Petunia acknowledged Zooey with a lucid glare.
She turned back to her sister, looking like a rabid Pluddmere United fan who’d bumped into a member of the Holyhead Harpies after losing a match. “Care to explain why Freak Numero Tres just materialized in front of me while I was pouring myself some orange juice, like normal people do at breakfast time?” she practically shrieked.
“Is that what that crashing sound was about?” asked Lily wearily. Petunia looked angry enough to explode.
“It was his fault!” she sputtered, “He startled me so much I dropped the pitcher! It was an anniversary present from Vernon!”
Zooey turned to Lily. “Vernon?”
“Boyfriend” Lily answered with resignation. It was too early in the morning for her life to be over and thinking about Petunia’s life in the same hour
“Your boyfriend got you a pitcher for your anniversary?”
“I don’t expect you to understand” Petunia pressed her lips together in complete disdain. “Neither of you could possibly imagine what it’s like to be in a normal, and loving relationship”
“Mate, he got you a pitcher for your anniversary” Zooey repeated, feigning concern. “If that’s what you consider a normal relationship, I’m pretty content right where I am”
“I’ll have you know that Vernon and I have been going out for over a year now and we’re perfectly and blissfully happy!”
“I’m sure you are” smirked Zooey, exchanging pointed looks with Lily, who was covering her mouth to keep from guffawing at Petunia’s enraged expression. This, at least, was certainly a way to cheer up.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Petunia demanded.
“Nothing” said Zooey, looking as innocent as Bambi’s mother. “Nothing at all”
Somehow this seemed to infuriate Petunia more than anything else Zooey could have said.
“Anyway…” she said, gritting her teeth like a mad dog. “My boyfriend Vernon is coming over in a couple of minutes and mum’s waiting to take you take you to that…place.” Petunia interrupted…apparently not trusting herself enough to say the name.
“You mean Diagon-”
“Can. You. Not. Say. It?”
“Say what? Diagon Al-”
“Stop it!” shrieked Petunia, her wry blond hair practically standing up on end. The girl looked positively livid. She took a deep breath and tried to compose herself. “She said… she said since you freaks already got your letters, you’re all going over…there… right after breakfast, as she doesn’t want to go running through London at the last minute looking for… school supplies”
Lily did her supreme best not to roll her eyes, and got off her bed, motioning to Zooey to come along. “Come on, if we keep at it she’ll have a heart attack before Dursley knocks her up and takes her away from this house”
With a loud Crac! that made Petunia shriek again, they disapparated straight into the kitchen, where Will had taken a break from devouring their household to talk about Quidditch animatedly to a fascinated Mr. and Mrs. Evans. Mr. and Mrs. Evans were muggles, and every new bit of information about the Wizarding World always excited them.
“So what you’re saying is-” Gerald Evans was saying, looking confused. “These chasers score points with waffles?”
“Quaffles, Gerald” Natalie Evans rolled her eyes at her adorably clueless husband. “Honestly, poor Will must’ve explained it a thousand times by now…”
“Well, I can’t help it!” said Mr. Evans, grinning at Zooey and Lily, who’d taken their seats on opposite sides of Will. “I mean, don’t you think a sport would be made much more exciting if the players had to score points by chucking pieces of breakfast foods?”
“Maybe if the Captain of said sport was a total QSG…” started saying Will, but got cut off with a yelp when Lily poked him on the rib.
“QSG?” Mr. Evans scrunched up his nose, struggling to remember. “I forget… is that what they call the goal posts?”
“Uh… sure” said Lily, panicking. The only thing that could make this morning worse was having her father find out that “Quidditch Sex God” had apparently become a regular phrase in his innocent youngest daughter’s vocabulary. “Quidditch… Sneaky…. Goalposts” she explained, completely aware that everyone at the kitchen table was staring at her like she’d grown two heads.
Except for Will, of course, who had practically choked on a waffle, he was trying so hard to disguise his cackles.
“Oh” said Mr. Evans, ignoring Will entirely. “Well, if that’s the official word, I suppose we’ll have to get used to hearing that wizard- oh for heaven’s sake Petunia, it’s not as if it’s a dirty word- slang more often now that you lot are staying for the last week of the summer.”
Zooey and Will grinned appreciatively. They’d arrived barely two days ago and couldn’t have found the Evans household more friendly or open if they’ tried, save for the miniscule existence of Petunia, or as Zooey referred to her, Crack-tunia.
A nickname they were reminded of throughout the short breakfast they had time to consume, as Petunia ushered them out of the kitchen the minute their plates were clear, rambling nervously about something to do with her lunatic boyfriend who apparently thought it was romantic to present the love of his life with kitchen utensils on their anniversary.
Exchanging amused glances Zooey and Will presently shuffled out after Mr. and Mrs. Evans and piled into the tiny family car, pulling a sullen Lily in after them, eager to get out of the house before Vernon came over and presented the love of his life with a new lawnmower or something equally as insulting.