Chapter 1 : Annoying Fan Girl
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The Annoying Fan Girl
Harry Potter walked down the crowed street of London. He was hoping nobody would recognize him, the muggle fans were crazy. He cursed under his breath as a girl walked up to him.
“Like, Oh my god. You’re Harry Potter!” She gasped. He rolled his eyes, but nodded.
“I remember in the first book when you had to beat Voldemort at a pie eating contest, you must have been terrified.” The girl recited, she kept giggling.
“Um, I don’t what you’re talking about?” Harry told her. She thought a second, twirling her blonde hair around her finger.
“Oh that’s because afterwards you lost your memory in the chamber of big pants. You had to go to Mungo’s.” The girl explained. Harry wasn’t sure if he should run, or take the girl to a shrink. He didn’t have time to do either, she kept going.
“Then umm, you turned into a mass murder and attacked Sirius Black!” She exclaimed. Harry tried not to laugh as she said that.
“Are you serious?” Harry asked.
“No, I’m Alexis Homerblofen, your biggest fan in the whole world.” Alexis answered.
Harry had no time to put a word if for she was off again.
“Well, back to your story. Then you had to drink a whole goblet of firewiskey. It turned out to be a pork-key and Voldemort wanted it, he loves pork. So you had to fight him, but you were drunk. You won anyway but he ate the pork-key and you got stuck on an island.” Alexis rambled. “That’s where the fifth book comes in.” Harry seemed scared of the fan girl, who knew nothing about himself. Harry turned to run but the girl grabbed his sleeve.
“I need to finish the story.” She spat.
“OK.” Harry agreed reluctantly.
“Well, you got stranded on the island. But the Order of the Phoenix island resorts and casino came and got you! The problem was you had to battle death eaters before you left. Sirius died when he got shoved under the boat “the Veil”.” Alexis concluded.
“Well, what about book six?” Harry concluded. The girl started crying.
“Snape killed you, and then Dumbledore killed Snape.” She sobbed. “That’s why I’m surprised to see you!” Harry couldn’t contain his laughter.
“Have you ever.” Harry gasped laughing. “Ever read the books.” She bit her lip.
“Mommy says it’s better to use your imagination.” Alexis retorted running away.
Voldemort walked aimlessly down a street in London. A little girl, also know as the annoying fan girl, or Alexis was running after him.
“Hi Voldemort, or Man-Who-Let-the-Boy-Live!” She chirped. She couldn’t wait to ask him questions about his life.
“How come you don’t have a cool scar?” She demanded.
“Well, why would I want one, I mean, it’s not like I envy the boy.” Voldemort replied,
upset that he didn’t have a cool scar. The girl pulled out an ugly scarf.
“I knit you a sweater of love because you don’t have a girl friend. Did you ever?” Alexis asked curling a lock of hair around her finger. Voldie ripped the sweater.
“I happened to go out with one girl named, no wait, never mind. Grrrr! Go away little girl!” He shouted, depressed that he hadn’t ever had a girlfriend.
“Well then, I’m having a Tupperware party next week you simply must come, I don’t know what I would do if you didn’t.” The girl chattered.
“Sounds fun!” He responded. Voldemort simply loved those parties.
“I mean sound dumb.” He covered. “Go away silly girl.” He began to walk away but the girl ran after her.
“WE HAVEN’T PLAYED TWISTER YET!” She shrieked running after him pulling the game out. He continued to run, quite scared of the insane girl.
“Champ I even signed you up for softball! And we didn’t get to cuddle as we watched Potter Puppet Pals!” She continued to screech. Voldemort turned around, clearly interested.
“What is this you speak of?” He questioned.
“Nothing. I just had to ask you, how did you loose a pie eating contest with Harry?” She asked.
“Huh? What are you talking about?” He rambled. He couldn’t have lost a pie eating contest with Harry for he had never had one. Voldemort sat down and burst into tears, he had lost.
“Don’t worry Voldie, that won’t change the fact that we’re getting married in ten minutes.” Alexis assured him. He froze. He was marrying this nutty girl. Even that was worse then eating lemon drops; I mean then being defeated by Harry.
Lemon Drops were still icky to him though.
Several days later Voldemort opened his mail only to find a letter from Alexis.
Dear Mr. Voldemort,
Hi Voldie! I’m Alexis, remember me? I just wanted to invite you to my Tupperware party I’m having next week on the 10th. You seemed delighted when I spoke to you about it. I also have several other matters we need to speak about.
Now, since I’m now your wife (remember? It took hours to find someone who would marry us.) I have suggestions to make your future brighter. First off I would like to join your group which you call “Death Eaters.” You should change the name, Maybe the Cupcake Eaters, or a whole new idea like the fluffy bunnies. You must also change the way of being, welcomed into the group. I don’t want that ugly mark burned into my skin. I suggest maybe Id’s or cupcake hats with our name on it. I hope that the changes are made by the first meeting I attend.
The next thing we must discuss is your creepy look. You may want to visit the beach, or a tanning booth to work on you non-existent tan. You must also get a real nose, yours is freaky and creepy. I have the name of several plastic surgeons that will do a nice clean job. You are bald. Baldness just doesn’t work for you okay? You might want to try a wig. Lastly you have no sense of style. Because you have no style, I have recommended you for the show, What Not to Wear.
We must also talk about your odd obsession with Harry Potter. It’s just wrong how far you obsession has gone. And it’s a fact that he’s a far better wizard than you and he’s going to win the war. I suggest you write him a letter and apologize for being mean and attempting to kill him. Maybe if things go well you can have a weekly tea with him and his friends. But you should start slow by surrendering in the war and commanding your Death Eaters (or Cupcake Eaters) to stop being mean to muggleborns or muggles.
I have noticed you have no friends. I think you should get to know some of your Death Eaters. A good way to start to get to know people is through a book club. You should choose a happy book that appeals to everyone. Make sure it’s not too depressing, if it is people will think you’re depressing. Even if you are we don’t need the world to know that.
I hope that you listen to me and become a better person. I have invited Harry and his gang to the Tupperware party so we can show how you’ve changed for the better. I’ll also be sure to bring Cupcakes to the Cupcake Eaters meeting Thursday, I’m sure everyone will love the changes. I’ve got to go now. Bye!
“Hi Harry, Ron, Hermione, Welcome to my party.” Alexis Voldemort greeted. The magical trio entered her living room.
“Now, almost everyone is here. We have one more guest and when he get’s here you can’t take out your wand or use naughty word.” She announced. Everyone (most of the well known characters from the book.) nodded and began to talk. Everyone was silenced as the final guest arrived.
It was an abnormally pale fellow, a fake tan in some places, with a strange, fake looking nose. He had a brown wig on under his cupcake shaped hat. The hat had his name; Voldie written across it. Voldie smiled and reviled a mouth filled with braces. He wore a pair of jeans and a tee shirt since everyone was supposed to be dressed as muggles.
“This is Voldie!” Alexis exclaimed.
“That’s a nice name.” Harry complimented, not realizing who it was.
“Thanks Harry.” Voldie replied.
“How’d you know my name?” Harry retorted amazed.
“Um, I used to want to kill you, but don’t worry, I changed!” Voldie explained. Harry gasped and stepped back.
“You’re Darth Vader!” Harry announced as he pulled out his wand. The room then gasped as Voldie pulled his wand out. Nobody expected them to sword fight with their wands but they did. The Tupperware lady walked into the room and began to show everyone the bowls, plates, and cups. Alexis ignored Harry and Voldie as she made sure everyone was having fun.
“TIME TO GO!” Alexis bellowed. It was seven and she had to go to a cupcake meeting at eight. The room slowly emptied and soon it was only Harry and Voldie.
“Harry that’s not Darth Vader, its Voldemort.” Alexis confessed. Harry wrinkled his brow.
“Why’d you invite him, I though you loved me.” Harry muttered.
“YOU LOVED HIM!” Voldemort shouted.
“Umm, no?” Alexis replied.
“But, you stalked me that day.” Harry added.
“No she stalked me!” Voldemort shouted. Alexis shrugged.
“RON!” She called running out of her flat after Ron, dropping her wedding ring in the process.
“WHAT?” Ron, Harry, and Voldemort screeched.
A/N: Haha I know it’s random but yeah…it used to be four teeny tiny ficcys but now it’s one. I may make a squeal sometime…or maybe not. Please review, you took the time to read!