Chapter 12 : The Manly Non-Public Domain Journal (Or So James Says)
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A scruffy black hair boy is whining. Loudly. A disgruntled werewolf chucks a small black book at him. Square between the eyes. The scruffy black haired boy screams. A girly scream. A dark haired boy laughs. A short fat boy looks confused. The werewolf grunts.
‘Why did you fling that at James, Remus? And why is Sirius laughing? That would have hurt!’ thinks the short fat boy.
Hello. My name is James Potter. And you are simply a diary... I mean journal. A manly, masculine-not-feminine journal.
Glad we got that settled.
The only reason I am writing in you is that Remus insisted I shut up talking about Lily I-am-too-good-for-you-Potter no-I-will-not-go-out-with-you-Potter Evans to him. So he gave (i.e. threw at my face) this diar...journal so I could talk to you instead.
And here we are.
I love Lily Evans. With a passion. But I am not a stalker. I just follow her around. Wherever she goes. And think about her. All day. Every day.
That isn’t stalking.
But Lily doesn’t like me. I can tell. Call it gut intuition or the fact she can't look at me without cringing, I know.
I know! I can devise way to get her to like me... sorry di-journal, you don’t have the right paper for this type of scheming. Your pages are meant for emotion (manly and masculine-not-feminine emotions, of course) and conscience (Remus told me about this one… I just can't seem to remember what it was he said about it); your precious paper will tear with all the deviousness in my words.
Huh. Remus just stole my new parchment from me. Remus, why did you steal my parchment? I’ll ask him.
He says he gave me this diary (JOURNAL, REMUS, JOURNAL!) to write in for a reason, so I ‘bloody well should use it’.
Well. May as well make the best of a bad situation. HE STOLE MY PAPER AND NOW YOU HAVE THE THREAT OF TEARING!
I'll tell him this.
He says stop being neurotic and use the damn thing.
I'll tell him I am. Not neurotic. Using you.
He hasn't got anything to say to that, except 'Use the damn thing'.
I could go for the send-Lily-love-ahem-fancy-letters-and-get-her-to-like-me-that-way-but-then-be-too-scared-to-confess-my-true-identity-then-somehow-she’ll-find-out-and-in-the-end-we-live-happily-ever-after idea (hereby known as SLLAFLAGHTLMTWBTBTSTCMTITSSFOAITEWLHEA).
Tch. Too complicated. Other than being painfully long, my poor brain can't handle such complicatedness such as that in operation SLLAFLAGHTLMTWBTBTSTCMTITSSFOAITEWLHEA and then it will explode and I –
What are you doing James?
SIRIUS?? MAN, THIS IS MY PRIVATE JOURNAL –
You mean diary.
No, I mean JOURNAL, Sirius, JOURNAL. A MANLY, MASCULINE-NOT-FEMININE JOURNAL. Anyway, as I was saying, Sirius, you shouldn’t even be here. This is a private di-journal. A private journal.
Bah, you’re impossible!
...but now you are here and don’t seem to be leaving anytime soon...
Sirius, how to I get Lily to fancy me... preferably love me?
Well, Prongs, I find the best way to a woman’s heart is meat.
So you say I should give Lily Evans... meat.
Any other ideas?
Wellll... There is the Sirius-convinces-James-to-see-other-women-therefore-making-Lily-jealous-but-then-just-as-James-is-about-to-break-up-with-the-decoy-he-gets-a-guilt-attack-and-doesn’t-then-the-oh-so-handsome-and-great-Sirius-helps-you-both-in-your-time-of-need-and-you-live-happily-ever-after plot so often used. Also known as Operation: S.P.O.N.G.E.
No, S.P.O.N.G.E! Sirius. Prongs. Neurotic. Oh. Gouging. Expedition.
Right. Sirius, you realize that doesn’t make sense.
Yes, I do Prongs. Do you have a problem?
I am going to pretend you said no and continue.
Personally I think the meat idea is better than Operation: S.P.O.N.G.E. but, you know, whatever you –
Are you planning to get Lily Evans to like you James?
No, Remus, of course not!
I am getting Lily to love me.
Wait! THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A JOURNAL. A PRIVATE JOURNAL. OH MY GOD, JOURNAL!! YOU TORE THE PAPER! THE PAPER, REMUS, THE PAPER!!
You mean diary.
NO, I MEAN JOURNAL! AND YOU TORE THE PAPER! BE CARFUL WITH YOUR MALICE!
Riiiiiiight *coughyou’recrazyandinlovewiththejournal/diarycough*. But if Sirius gets to write in it why can't I?
Because I am special, wolfboy.
DON’T CALL ME THAT!
GODDAMN IT SIRIUS, YES!
Why don’t you want him to call you wolfboy, Remus?
Because, Wormtail, it is offensive you oaf.
WOAH, WOAH, WOAH. PETER IS HERE TOO??? THIS IS NOT PUBLIC DOMAIN! IT IS A JOURNAL!
You mean diary, don’t you James?
No, Pete. No, I don’t mean diary.
Well… Now that MOONY is here he can tell me a half decent idea to get Lily to like me…preferably a bit more than like… if you now what I mean.
Why do you mean ‘preferably a bit more than like’, James?
Never mind, Wormtail. Never mind.
What do you say, Remus?
AND WHY THE HELL NOT?
*coughYOUSTOLEHERUNDERWEAR!IDONTWANTLILYGOINGOUTWITHSOMEGITWHOSTEALSHERUNDERWEAR!cough* Because I think you should think up your own idea.
BUT MOOOOOOONY! I NEEEEEEEEEED HELLLLLLP! Besides, the underwear thing was an accident! The broomstick wanted me to go in her room...
Oh alright, you dim-witted fool. Keep your shirt on.
Personally, I think the James-listens-to-Remus-for-once-in-his-life-and-release-some-air-from-his-inflated-head-then-Lily-gradually-starts-to-like-James-but-wont-admit-it-then-James-does-something-terribly-stupid-that-the-oh-so-brilliant-and-helpful-Remus-has-to-fix-and-James-and-Lily-live-happily-ever-after idea would work best in this case. Also known as James Listens To Remus: A Rare Event Indeed. Quite an ingenious plan if I do say so myself.
If I take up plan James Listens To Remus: A Rare Event Indeed (HEY! I live to listen to you, Remus!) can I still play with my stolen snitch?
Scratch that plan.
I said no! I didn’t steal snitch that for no bloody reason!
I have an idea.
Here we go…
Well, I think we should lead her on a hunt. You see, we leave a block of cheese on her bedside table with a note that says to go to the Forbidden Forest. She goes and she follows a trail of Acid Pops all the way to a tree which has a broomstick leaning on it -
Wormtail, does this involve the sacrificing of a broomstick?
Well, yes, you see there is a note inside the broom and she has to snap it to get to it. It also judges her physical ability as well.
Wormtail, I have to say I don’t give a damn about Lily’s physical condition to be quite honest. All I want is for her to like me… Actually, if she loved me it would be a whole lot easier.
Prongs, to be honest, I think you should just give up.
Yeah, personally I don’t think anyone is worth this much trouble.
Not even Ella?
Give up while you still can.
Like you did with Marissa?
Aren’t you supposed to be somewhere? Durmstrang, maybe?
Oh, no, I’m not going there till school starts. Didn’t I tell you –
Shut up, Wormtail.
Well. I am not going to give up as per recommended by my faithless friends. I will think up an ingenious plan, di-journal, and the moment I do you will know.
Note to self: Perform complex locking charm so only I can read, write and comment in this diary – uh, I mean, journal.
Yes? By the way this is the last time you will write in this. Savour it.
I did put a locking charm on this diary.
Journal, Remus, a manly journal. Then why can you read it?
Our will is too strong even for magic.
All hail me.
Wait. Why didn’t we just say all this instead of writing it down?
Because, James, the author said no.
And I thought I was the dumb one.
The black haired boy throws the small black book at the werewolf. It hits the werewolf. Right between the eyes. The werewolf screams. A girly scream. The dark haired boy laughs. The short fat boy is confused.
‘Why did James chuck his diar – I mean, journal at Remus? Why is Sirius laughing? WHY??’ thinks the short fat boy, his eyes focused on the werewolf who is attempting to beat the black haired boy to a bloody pulp.
The black haired boy screams. A girly scream. The dark haired boy laughs.
A masculine laugh.
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