Chapter 1 : Alone
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I hate you…
Your smile, your touch, your eyes.... The way you love her, the way you always know what to say, the way you gaze shyly from beneath messy locks of dark hair. I hate it all.
Who the hell am I kidding? I’m in love with you and slowly dieing because you will never know.
Yes, I am aware of the fact that I am arguing with my subconscious…but then again, doesn’t everyone? Because sometimes we cannot simply say how we feel, no, we cannot share everything simply through words.
I sit here alone in this common room staring into the fire; watching as the flickering ribbons of flame caress the blackened wood. All I see is you, my constant companion…you’re beautiful face with that adorable smile and those eyes…deep and dark, filled with such sorrow yet such joy.
But that amazing image; that wonderful portrait of my desire always becomes tainted. It flashes through my mind and an instant later is ruined by her. Ginny, wrapped tightly in your arms, her lips brushing yours whilst her hands run through luxurious chocolate hair.
At this point I find my hands clenched and my eyes shut as I try to shove you out. Banish you and all the pain you have unknowingly caused. Knowing that it is useless, because I want you too much…I envy Ginny so fiercely, I can’t sleep and when I do I dream of you. So often resulting in my eyes opening just to be met with the dark canopy above my bed, not you…never you.
There you are.
Stumbling through the portrait hole with her hand entwined in yours; eyes shining as you laugh and I watch as that beautiful soul overflows with happiness that it has so long been deprived of.
Ginny giggles as she is gently pulled down onto the couch next to you…then suddenly those glorious eyes turn to me.
I fake a smile, trying to force myself to be happy for you, be glad that you’re no longer the depressed mess you used to be. But I know that I’m not, I am selfish.
I want you to need me like you used to.
So I politely great you, eyes turned to the ground, stomach spinning and wishing more that anything to get up and never come back. But most of all I want to break down and cry…right there in front of you. And I want your eyes to fill with concern and for those strong arms to hold me close, let your warmth seep into my cold heart and fill me with hope as you ask what is wrong.
Like I so often did for you.
Sometimes I contemplate telling you that I, Hermione Granger, am in love. Listening as you ask excitedly “Who is it?” then I would quietly reply… “You.”
Indeed I have thought about it, but I will never do it. I will continue on letting these feelings take over my life because I want you to be happy.
You are happy with Ginny.
That’s the way it will stay because I cannot risk what friendship I have left. I shall not chance losing the one light that still shines in this mind consumed by dark, hidden, unexplainable love.
I will cry tonight.
I will cry as I quietly read through my journal, casting my eyes to the dates when you did something that caused my heart to flutter.
I will cry when I turn to the pages when I know I am losing you.
I will cry as I fill more pages with stupid, pointless lies that describe my day just like any other.
I will cry because that is what I do, always silently praying for you to save me from this darkness.
This darkness which pulled me in as I pulled you out.
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