Chapter 1 : Bad World
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The lyrics are by Raymond McGinley, from ‘Teenage Fanclub’. This is one of my favorite songs.
Authors Update: Thank you to all the people who have reviewed this fic - your words and support have been really encouraging! There is a sequel coming really soon! I hope you enjoy it aswell.
The dreams visited every night, and as much as the raven-haired boy tossing in sleep tried to push them away, they arrived with precision and determination. With hated truth. In his dreams, the world turned its face away, letting him be. The object of his desire was never out of reach in his dreams, easily grasped and pulled willingly into the boy’s delicate, effeminate arms, lips grazing gently, then again, the kiss filled with more passion and intensity, the embrace tightening until it crushed the breath from both sets of lungs.
In the morning light the dreams would haunt him, scenes of love and twisted desire playing through his head continually, a moving picture of the dark, secret places of his soul he longed to be able to release. He would wake in the morning, emptying his stomach immediately, his slim frame hunched over the toilet, his chest heaving, his eyes streaming. He did not want to be who he was.
I've got a reason
To know your name
Blonde hair fell across his face, gently brushing the high cheekbones and strong yet delicate brows. Eyes the color of steel reached my face, and I felt my body grow warm, slowly turning to flame, my insides smoldering with repressed passion and desire. The blonde boy cocked a perfect eyebrow in my direction, his eyes questioning. I gulped, the fire in my belly intensifying with the force of those eyes, my emotions a thunderstorm of love and self-loathing. I felt myself fall a little deeper, drowning in those eyes, in those lusciously soft lips, that creamy porcelain skin. The lips opened.
“You coming or what, Blaise? Class starts in a minute.”
The smooth, velvety voice washed over me, enfolding me in its husky tenor. From the bed where I was lying, I watched Draco Malfoy stand and throw his robes around his shoulders, letting them fall casually around his long, lean body, the body I yearned to touch, to feel beneath my hands. Draco threw me a pointed look, and I sighed before hauling myself to my feet, ignoring my friend’s outstretched hand. If I let him touch me now, I will explode, I thought, my body tingling with the very thought of skin-to-skin contact, an imagined intimacy flying through my head, a remembered portion of my dreams.
As I reluctantly followed Draco from the Slytherin dungeons, I chewed my bottom lip thoughtfully, my eyes on the back of Draco’s golden head. The blonde boys hair moved gently when he walked, as if an imaginary breeze were plucking at the soft, thin strands of flax and lifting them in a delicate dance. I felt my arm begin to lift, and I pushed it back down, mortified that I should wish to betray myself so easily. How would I explain that to my friend? How would I explain that I just wanted to touch his hair, to feel how soft and silky it was?
No matter how much Draco cared for me, I knew it was only as a friend. I never held it against him; after all, he had no idea how I truly felt. No one did. Over the last two years, I had felt my desire and my love for Draco growing inside me like a festering wound. There was no other way to describe it. I was tormented day and night by dreams and visions of his arms wrapped around me, his lips crashing down on my skin, his long, slender fingers wound tightly in my hair. I went to great pains to hide my feelings, enduring the taunts at my quietness and unwillingness to snog some random girl. People thought I was odd, but I could live with that. People had thought I was odd for as long as I could remember.
Draco rounded a corner, and my eyes were drawn down the other boy’s body by the fluid, graceful movement. I knew what lay beneath those baggy Hogwarts robes. I had seen Draco naked more times than I could count over the years, the tall, lithe blonde having absolutely no qualms about his athletic body. It was not an uncommon sight to return to the common room and find Draco lounging around in his boxers, being fawned over by a group of giggling girls, occasionally with that disgusting creature, Pansy Parkinson, settled on his lap. It was also not uncommon for Draco to walk from the shower to the dorm room he shared with Crabbe, Goyle and myself in nothing but a towel, shedding it the moment he entered the room, unwittingly giving me an eyeful of what I desired more than anything else in the world.
I've got a reason
To stay the same
Three years ago I came to the realization that I was not at all like normal boys. While Draco and the others spent their time lounging around the common room idly chatting about which girls they thought were worthy of their attentions, I could think of nothing more than the boy who was more than worthy of my attentions. Draco and I had been friends since before coming to Hogwarts, our parents thrusting us together at an early age, hoping for a Pure Blood alliance to be formed. As children, Draco and I did not understand our parent’s desires, but found an easy friendship grow nonetheless. As we got older, I became aware of how different we were. Draco was self-assured and confident, proud of who he was and where he had come from. Me, on the other hand … I was a quiet and withdrawn boy, preferring to let Draco do all the talking, hiding behind my long black fringe, believing that somehow my own thoughts and dreams were not as important as my beautiful friend’s. Not that any of that was Draco’s fault. I had always been what my parents liked to call “different”. I was not interested in playing Quidditch, I was not interested in chasing girls, and I would rather have my nose in a book studying than be surrounded by people at one of the ridiculous parties Pansy and her stupid friends held in the Slytherin Common Room every once and a while.
The dreams about Draco started in fourth year, and I had been horrified to wake and feel the last scenes of a scorching, erotic dream flee my traitorous mind. I had flung myself out of bed, diving into the shower, trying desperately to rid myself of what I now knew for certain to be true. I was falling in love with Draco Malfoy, my best friend for almost my entire life. I scrubbed my skin so hard I left it raw and bruised, but I didn’t care. Anything, even the painful sensation of my clothes rubbing against my damaged flesh, was better than the truth that spoke to me from the deepest recesses of my mind.
I was not allowed to be what I was; I knew that, not in his world anyway. Not in the world of adolescent males, where thoughts of sport and conquering girls ruled. Especially not in the world of Pure Blood wizards. That night, I had silently cried myself to sleep, the deepest desire of my heart sleeping three measly feet away from me, knowing that no one would ever understand, fearing that I would have to spend the rest of my life pretending, hiding my true self within the shadowed walls of my heart. Passionately, I wished for nothing more than to be free from my self-imposed chains, to be able to smile and live life as I chose. I wished I could climb from my bed and crawl into Draco’s, and into my dreams.
In my deepest mind, I knew that I would not be able to do it. Even though part of me knew and understood that it was okay for me to be the way I was, the way I was intended to be, the feeling that I had failed everyone around me by being this abomination of the natural order consumed me.
Not even the slightest hope, the smallest flame I left kindled in my heart and soul, that one day Draco Malfoy might love me back, was enough for me to leave the shadows and step into the light.
I've made up my mind
Life’s not unkind
It's all I can find
He sat beside me in class, his leg resting gently against mine under the table in the briefest of touches. Looking at his face, his eyes fixed on the board in front of us, I was certain he had no indication how much his physical presence was affecting me. I sucked in a deep breath, my head swimming with his scent – soap, Sandalwood, coffee and cigarettes. I was one of the few people who knew for sure that Draco smoked, and far from finding it repulsive, I thought it actually added to his allure. Draco Malfoy made smoking look cool, the way the long, slender cigarette dangled languidly from his fingers, the white of his skin blending perfectly with the white of the cigarette. The way he’d casually lift it to his perfect lips, drawing back deeply, the end glowing with furious red heat. Maybe it was the fact that, as his most trusted and closest friend, I was chosen to join him in late-night escapades, sneaking out of the castle, or barricading ourselves in the North Tower so that Draco could have his nicotine fix. Those times were heaven for me, being able to be alone with him, Draco freed from the skulking presence of Crabbe and Goyle, and that idiotic soul Pansy.
Draco turned his head gracefully, catching me in his eyes. I was unable to look away, transfixed, as always, by the delicate swirls and mix of colours. Everyone always said Draco’s eyes were grey. They were, but much more than just plain old ‘grey’. Tiny flecks of silver were scattered around the pupils, set off by the palest of blues. His beautiful eyes narrowed, and I blinked, embarrassed to be caught in an open stare. His lips curved into a smile.
“I’m ducking off for a smoke after this class. Come with me,” he whispered, leaning his head towards mine, his breath warm and spicy on my face. My heart stopped beating.
“What about Herbology?” I whispered back, and then mentally slapped myself, horrified he would think I didn’t want to spend time with him. Draco shrugged, moving closer until his lips were almost touching my ear. I could feel his leg pressed against mine under the table, harder this time, the entire length of his thigh, from hip to knee, scorching my flesh through my Hogwarts uniform.
“Skip it,” Draco breathed into my ear, and my heart exploded. It was all I could do not to grab him and shove my tongue down his throat then and there. “Come on, Blaise. We don’t get to hang out enough these days,” he added as a raging fire burned through my veins. I nodded, preying desperately my face did not betray my excitement and pleasure. A little voice inside me whispered that perhaps it was time to let him know. He was my friend, he trusted me, he loved me and he cared about me. He knew me. I felt a small smile dance across my face. I would tell him, today. I would let him in on my biggest secret.
I leant over, my face close to Draco’s. “I’ll come. I need to tell you something anyway,” I whispered, feeling a little chill of fear and excitement scuttle up my spine. I watched his eyes widen with curiosity, before he nodded, turning his attention back to the lesson.
When Snape dismissed the class, Draco and I practically flew from the room, Draco unapologetically, and I thought somewhat deliberately, slamming into Hermione Granger in the hall outside. Books tumbled from her arms, crumpling on the tiles at her dainty little feet, and she gave Draco a look of intense loathing, which he returned with laughter.
“You should really watch where you’re going, Granger,” he drawled, leaning back against the wall, letting other students pass. Granger’s brown eyes shot daggers at Draco, but he paid no attention to her scathing glare. Instead, he bent down and collected her books, dumping them unceremoniously into her arms. Granger stared at him suspiciously, and Draco sighed.
“What did I do wrong now, Granger?” he asked as I stood by watching this interchange with a sinking sensation in my stomach. There was something about the way Draco was looking at the slim Gryffindor, something different. Granger noticed it too, her face twisting into a scowl.
“Forgive me, Malfoy, but I cannot help it if I find any deviation from your complete foulness an oddity,” she spat, cradling her books to her chest. My eyes flew to Draco’s face, waiting. He would never let Granger insult him like that. To my total bewilderment, he laughed again, drawing his long pale hand through his hair, brushing it off his face, a few stray strands falling down to sweep his cheekbones.
“Come on, Granger. Admit it. You love my attention,” Draco smirked, the corners of his lips twitching.
“If you mean as much as I love a mouthful of nails, then yes, Malfoy, you’re right. I do love your attention,” Granger replied coolly, her soft brown eyes dancing with mischief, a smile playing on her lips.
“That’s ten points from Gryffindor for hurting my feelings,” Draco remarked, his voice low and slightly husky, his finger tapping the Perfect’s Badge pinned to his chest. Granger indicated her own Badge, polished to an annoyingly high shine.
“Fifteen points from Slytherin for damaging school property,” she replied quickly, her smile growing larger, motioning to the library books in her arms. Draco never took his eyes off her face, his cheeks slightly flushed, his eyes shining.
“Twenty five points for simply being nice? I think you’re being a tad rude and ungrateful, Granger,” Draco said, feigning hurt, and she laughed. “I would never have thought you liked books more than me.”
“I should make it thirty-five,” she rejoined quickly, tossing her long chestnut hair.
I stood, stunned, as the realization hit me. They were flirting! Draco was flirting with Granger! With the Mudblood Gryffindor Princess, and she seemed to be enjoying it! Without another thought, I turned on my heel, stalking away from them. Granger’s shrill laughter floated back to my ears, and at the end of the corridor I turned. It was as I had expected. Draco had not even noticed I had gone. Instead, he had taken a step closer to the feisty girl, seeming to forget everything he had ever professed to feeling for her. Tears burnt my eyes as I saw her tip her head back and laugh again, and I turned away, forgetting everything but the burning jealousy that ripped through my shaking body.
I've got a reason
To share your pain
I skipped class regardless of what Draco was doing or where he was. My chest felt incredibly tight, and there was a roaring in my ears, shutting out all other sound. I flopped onto a couch in the Slytherin Common Room, letting out a deep sigh, my head dropping to rest between my hands.
What the hell is wrong with me? I thought, pulling at my shoulder-length black hair ruthlessly. Disgust rose in my stomach, searing the back of my throat, and I felt useless tears prick my eyelids. Enraged at my weakness, I slapped the side of my face forcefully, heat and sharp pain stinging my cheek. Oddly, the pain was a distraction, so I slapped myself again, harder this time, amazed at how quickly all thoughts of Draco and Hermione Granger laughing together flew from my head.
I giggled wildly, feeling out of control and rash. I had just imagined it, the playful tone in Draco’s voice as he spoke to Granger. I had just imagined the way his eyes seemed to soften and light up when he spotted her leaving Snape’s classroom. I stood up, grinning. It was all in my head. He didn’t care about her at all. I left the Common Room at a run, heading out the castle doors, careful to avoid any teachers and Peeves, who would be sure to let the whole of Hogwarts know there was a student out of class. I sprinted past the greenhouses, forgetting the fact that my class, where I was meant to be, would be there up to their elbows in soil and malicious plants. I sprinted past Hagrid’s cabin, towards the Lake, where I knew I would find Draco. It was his favourite place. At the edge of the tree’s I paused, straining every sense in my body, willing Draco to reveal himself. A whiff of cigarette smoke floated to my nostrils, and I turned, following the delicate trail of scent.
Draco was sitting with his back against the trunk of a large and sturdy oak, his face peaceful and relaxed, a cigarette dangling from between his fingers. He jumped as I approached, automatically stubbing the cigarette out. His eyes flickered to me in annoyance.
“God, Blaise. I thought you were a bloody teacher. Don’t sneak up on me like that,” he snapped, reaching into the pocket of his robes and pulling out another cigarette.
“Sorry,” I mumbled, flopping down beside him. Our shoulders brushed, and I realized too late that I was sitting too close to him. Draco didn’t seem to notice, lighting his cigarette with the tip of his wand.
“What happened to you? Why did you ditch me?” he asked, his eyes on the still, black water of the Lake. I felt hot shame rush through me at the disappointment in his tone, my mind trying to formulate an excuse. Coming up with nothing that would not betray my feelings, I sighed.
“Your scene with the Mudblood upset my stomach,” I snapped, suddenly angry, my jealousy rising once again to eat at my heart. “What were you doing, Draco?”
He laughed. “Just having a little fun, Blaise. You know how I like to play games,” he said, nudging me in the ribs. My skin burnt where his fingers pressed against me, and I swallowed.
“Yeah, but with a Mudblood?”
Draco’s magnificent silver eyes narrowed. “What’s the big deal? Its just Granger. It’s not like I like her or anything, although I do have to admit, she intrigues me. I don’t know why; she’s not that nice, and she’s definitely not that pretty. She’s rude and annoying and a know-it-all teachers pet, but, well, she’s also a challenge,” he answered, sitting back against the tree, taking a deep draw on his cigarette, his expression smug. I felt my heart drop into my feet.
“You’re going to try and seduce Granger?” I asked in quiet disbelief, feeling like I might vomit. This was not happening!
Draco shrugged. “Maybe. I dunno. Why? You’re not into her are you?”
I felt my insides recoil violently, and I started coughing, my body racked with choked breathes, my eyes blurring, floating somewhere between disgust and shock. Draco pounded me between the shoulders, and once my coughs died down, he absently rubbed my back, a glint in his eyes.
“I take it that’s a no,” he smiled, his hand still moving in painfully tender circles on my back. I felt hot and dizzy, wanting him to stop touching me, but never wanting to be without his touch again. He sat back, the warmth of his hand leaving my body, and I felt a pang of deep regret. “So, what’s this big secret you have to tell me? Is it a girl?”
I felt crushed. How could he not have already guessed? I wanted to scream at him for failing to notice I’d been falling apart at the seams over the last two years, slowly drowning in my love for him, slowly being consumed in my guilt and shame.
“No,” I breathed, my voice barely audible. “It’s not a girl, Draco. It’s … something else.” I hung my head, feeling a wave of depression sweep over my body, settling around my shoulders. The weight was unbearable, and I took a deep, shaky breath, feeling perilously close to tears again.
A look of concern flickered onto Draco’s beautiful, pale face. “Blaise, you can tell me anything, you know that. You’re my best friend.”
“That’s why this is so hard,” I wailed, pushing myself to my feet. I could not do this. Not now. Not when I knew for certain he did not feel anything for me but friendship. Draco was not into boys. He was into annoyingly smart girls like Hermione Granger, or annoyingly stupid ones like Pansy Parkinson. “I don’t want to lose your friendship.”
Draco climbed to his feet also, coming to stand beside me, his hand gently touching my shoulder. “Blaise, you’re kind of freaking me out here. You won’t lose my friendship, I promise. You can tell me, whatever it is,” he said softly, his eyes encouraging. I took a deep shaky breath.
“I’m not normal,” I mumbled, and I heard him laugh.
“What’s normal anyway? Look, Blaise …”
“You don’t get it!” I yelled suddenly, ignoring the look of shock that played over his face. I stepped forwards, grabbing the collar of his robes, pulling him closer to me until our lips were almost touching. There was the tiniest trace of fear in his eyes, and I hated myself all the more for what I was.
“Blaise,” Draco said gently, reaching up and wrapping his hands around mine, attempting to pry my fingers from his clothing. I held on tighter, shaking him a little, watching the fear turn to disbelief. I had never, in all our years of friendship, treated him like this. Feeling totally desperate and frustrated, I let out a small scream. Before I could think about what I was doing, I pulled Draco closer, our lips crashing together forcefully, compelling him to see who I was.
I felt his shock, and I willed him to understand. He stood limp in my arms, his hands still coiled around mine. Trembling, I slowly moved my lips away from his, my heart beating loudly in my ears, my whole body tense, preparing for the rejection and disgust I was sure would come. I forced myself to look into his eyes, to read the confusion and pain written there, and again, I silently begged him to understand me, to understand what was inside me. Draco stared at me, his mouth slightly open, his cheeks flushed.
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled at last, feeling nothing but burning shame and self-hatred. I released Draco’s robes, stepping back, my eyes downcast. I could hear nothing but the pounding of my heart in my ears, and Draco’s deep, ragged breathing. I sensed him move, heard a twig snap, and lifted my head, expecting to find him gone. I found myself looking into his eyes, into a rolling thunderstorm of confusion and desire. Shocked, I opened my mouth, feeling Draco’s hand cup my chin, his eyes never leaving mine, the intensity in them causing me to grow weak at the knees. I closed my eyes, unable to look at him anymore, scared of what I might see.
My breath left my body as Draco pressed his lips against mine, gently at first, but when I didn’t object, with more passion. I groaned deep in my throat as his tongue darted out, pushing my mouth open, before sliding inside, tasting me. I felt his hand leave my chin, coming to rest on the back of my head, his strong fingers tangling in my hair almost painfully. My arms flew to his waist, and I ran my hands along the firm, hard length of his torso, letting them rest on his sharp hips. Draco’s other arm went around my shoulders, pulling me even closer, every inch of our bodies pressed together urgently. I slid my hands inside his robes, under his heavy Hogwarts jumper and along the broad and sculpted planes of his back. He hissed into my mouth, kissing me deeper, swirling his tongue around mine, infusing me with the taste of coffee and cigarettes.
Desperate need rose in my chest, need for him, for understanding and acceptance, for reality and truth, and before I knew what I was doing, my hands were at his belt, fingers fumbling. With a hiss of shock, Draco broke the kiss, stepping back, sliding my hands away from him. I looked at him fearfully. His eyes were glazed and shining, his hair soft and loose around his face, his lips swollen and red, his face flushed with colour. I watched him lift a hand, trailing his fingers over his mouth, his eyes widening with confusion and pain.
“Draco,” I began, my voice a whispered plea. He shook his head, blonde hair flying.
“I can’t do this, Blaise,” he said softly, before turning and running towards the castle. I sank to the cold, hard ground, my head in my hands, tears pouring from my eyes.
I've got a reason
It keeps me sane
It had been a week. A week since I opened myself up, revealing what lay at the very depths of my heart and soul. A week since I had seen Draco. He came to his bed after I had fallen asleep, and was gone again when I woke in the morning, my head filled with tortured desire. A week. I could not go on like this. I needed to know. Did he hate me now? Did I disgust him? Would he ever stand to be near me again?
I found myself weeping as I pulled on my clothes, hurt, anger and frustration pouring from my red-rimmed eyes. I knew I looked like shit. I had hardly eaten for a week, I had missed classes, and I had sunken into a depression so deep I didn’t know if I could ever claw my way out again. In a daze, I walked through the Common Room, barely registering the faces of my housemates gathered there. As I reached the door, a small hand gripped my arm, and I turned slowly, finding myself staring into the blotchy face of Pansy Parkinson. She had been crying, the tears still wet on her cheeks, her dark hair ruffled.
“Have you heard?” she sniffed, and I shrugged. Heard what? I didn’t care. Pansy shook me, tears beginning to fall from her eyes.
“What, Pansy?” I snapped coldly, wanting to be far away from her sniffles and dramatics.
“Draco,” she hiccupped. Something inside me burned, and I gave her my full attention. “He’s going out with the Mudblood. Granger. I saw them together …”
I did not hear the rest of her answer. Leaving Pansy standing bewildered and broken, I pushed past the suit of armour guarding the Slytherin Common Room, sprinting through the halls, disregarding anyone who stood in my way. Knowing exactly where to find him this early in the morning, I pushed open the huge double doors to the castle, tearing through the courtyard, heading towards the Lake. Draco would have stolen a coffee from the Great Hall. He would be sitting with his back against a tree, staring out at the Lake, a cigarette dangling from his fingers.
The morning air was like ice, and I pulled my robes closer to my body as I ran wildly, mist swirling around my feet. This time I did not pause at the tree line; did not pause to think about where he might be. I knew. I could feel him, his presence as real and foreboding as the strength and grandeur of the tree’s, as powerful and compelling as the strongest spell. He sank beneath my skin, seeping into my blood, my bones, my soul. I ran.
His blonde hair glowed in the pale morning light, the damp mist swallowing his figure as he sat by the Lake. I came to a halt behind him, but he did not turn, even though he would have known it was me.
“Is it true?” I asked softly, forcing my breathing back to normal, holding on to the last thing I could control in my body.
He took a drag on his cigarette, the smoke curling from the end and dancing through the air, joining with the billowing mist rising from the Lake.
“Is what true, Blaise?”
“That you and Granger …” I stopped, unable to finish my sentence, my throat constricted. I saw his shoulders drop, saw him slowly shake his head.
I let out a deep sigh, the pressure in my chest lessening, and forced myself to the ground beside him, taking pains to sit a little distance away, to not accidentally touch him. We sat in silence, Draco smoking and drinking his coffee, and me staring at the black water of the Lake, considering whether it would be more profitable to drown myself. Being so close to him was torturous after a long week’s of abstinence. Flames raced through my blood, my whole body tingled, and I felt sick and dizzy, my head spinning, thoughts flying through my tired and battered mind.
“Draco,” I said, his name soft, low and lovely on my tongue. “I need you.”
I saw him tense at my words, and felt my heart drop to the ground, mangled. Swallowing my fear, I reached out a tentative hand, letting it rest on his shoulder. He suffered my touch a moment, before gently shoving me off.
“Blaise, don’t, please,” he whispered, turning to face me. His eyes, grey as the morning mist, brimmed with tears. There were dark shadows on his face, his normally creamy porcelain complexion an unhealthy pallor. My heart gave a sickened thump of joy at the knowledge he had been suffering our separation as much as I was. Ignoring his request, I leant over, quickly pressing a gentle kiss on his cold cheek.
I was not prepared for his reaction. Draco recoiled from me as if I struck him, climbing quickly to his feet, his breathing fast and shallow. I looked up at him, hurt and bewildered. Feeling my bottom lip begin to tremble, I turned my face away, hating myself more than ever before, failing, once again, to read the signs, to understand the extent of his affection. Draco sighed, sinking to the ground beside me.
“I’m sorry. I cannot be what you want me to be,” he whispered sadly, not looking at me. “It’s not who I am, Blaise.”
Breathing became difficult. I gulped back shuddering gasps of air, the cool breath of the morning sliding down my throat, seeping through my veins, settling within my heart. I forced myself to look at him.
“The kiss …”
“Was a mistake,” Draco said gently, his words cutting me in half. “I’m sorry. I should never have let that happen.”
I never knew it was actually possible to suffer from a broken heart, but at that moment, I understood what people meant. I felt like I had died. My chest was so tight, my head filled with a screaming that forced my hair to stand on end. My throat was dry, my mouth parched, my eyes burning and raw and I couldn’t breathe.
“Blaise, please try and understand. I love you, I do, but only as a friend. I cannot begin to imagine how hard this is for you, or how hard it has been, but I’m not what you want,” Draco continued, his voice tender and loving. I stared at his face, my brain not grasping his words, my ears not hearing, my eyes not seeing.
“None of this changes my opinion of you. You are the closest thing I have to a brother, and I will always care for you,” he said, his beautiful lips uttering words more painful than the last.
“How can it not change things? How? How can you think I don’t want you, Draco?” I cried in sudden desperation, reaching for him. He took my hands firmly, holding me still.
“I’m damaged, Blaise. Broken. I’m not what you need. I’d destroy you, your beauty, your gentle soul, and I don’t want that to happen,” he whispered wretchedly.
Too late, a little voice whispered in my mind. I took a deep uneven breath. My head hurt, my eyes felt like they were on fire, and I blinked rapidly. Draco was watching me carefully, his magnificent eyes penetrating through my skin.
“I love you,” I whispered, feeling my heart break again. I was saying words he would never return, not to me, a boy. He sighed, leaning forward and crushing me to him, embracing me, a gesture of comfort, nothing more. As I lay sobbing in his arms, something snapped inside me. With a great effort, I pushed him away.
“You’re in love with her,” I snapped senselessly, knowing I was being irrational, but wanting to lash out at him, to hurt him like he hurt me.
“What are you …you don’t mean Granger? God, Blaise. Listen to yourself, will you? I’m not in love with Granger,” he sighed irritably, pushing his hair out of his eyes, reaching into his robes for another cigarette. In anger, I grabbed it from him before he could light it, tossing it away with a snarl.
“But you want to be, right? Because being in love with a girl is normal, isn’t it? It’s what is expected, what is accepted. You want to love a girl, Draco, even a damned Mudblood, so it will convince you that you are normal, unlike me, poor little fucked up Blaise, a pathetic poofter, in love with his best mate,” I yelled, not caring that my voice cut through the cold clarity of the morning.
Draco leant forwards, pressing his hand over my mouth, silencing me. “For fuck’s sake, Blaise. I don’t know what else to say! This is hard for me too, all right? It’s fucked up! I don’t know what to think, okay? Why do you think I have been avoiding you for the last week? I’m fucking confused,” Draco hissed, his voice low and intense, his eyes melting into me, filled with hate, pain and conflicted desire. He let me go, sitting back, his hands balled into fists, his face flushed.
“I hate what I am,” I whispered, seething with uncontrollable rage. “I hate you. I hate what you made me feel, what you made me become. I wish I had never met you, Draco Malfoy!”
Without waiting to hear his response, I climbed to my feet, running back towards the castle, leaving him sitting there with the rising sun.
Of my time on this sphere
All I can hear
The door to the dorm room crashed open to reveal a wild-eyed Draco. I had not seen him or spoken to him since the morning, and despite the words we had said, my heart jumped a little at the sight of him. He strode across the room, grabbing me by my shirt and hauling me to my feet. I struggled in his grip, suddenly terrified beyond all belief at my friend, at the man I loved. Draco pushed his face close to mine, forcing me to look into his eyes. I swallowed, my breath escaping my lungs in short, painful gasps.
“Do you honestly think this is easy for me, Blaise? Do you think you are the only one who has tried to push these feelings away? Do you think I don’t hate myself too?”
I shook my head. “No, no. I’m sorry, Draco, I didn’t mean the things I said.”
His eyes narrowed. “All of them?”
My heart skipped a beat at the desperate look in his silver eyes. I shook my head again, not knowing how to answer. Of course I didn’t hate him, or regret ever meeting him. I loved him. I loved him so much my body turned to water whenever he came near me.
“Do you have any idea how fucked up I am about this?” Draco whispered, his lips an inch from mine, his breathing ragged. “Knowing that I want you too?”
I froze. “You … you … want me?”
His answer came with his lips. They pressed down on mine and I found myself drowning in the unbearable sweetness of his kiss, my wall of grief and ice crashing down around my feet. Draco was kissing me! He wanted me! I clutched at his body in desperation, attempting to pull him down with me onto the bed, but he forced me to my feet, his lips never leaving mine.
“Not here,” he whispered against my mouth. “I don’t want it to be here.”
I felt exhilarated at his words, letting him take my hand gently, the other hand brushing my hair out of my eyes. He smiled.
“Come with me.”
Fear replaced excitement as I followed Draco’s tall lean body through the deserted halls. Everyone else was at dinner, and as we passed the Great Hall, the sound of laughter floated to my ears; the sound of a world I was never going to be a part of after tonight. Draco paused in the darkness, taking out his wand. I heard him mutter a simple spell, and looked to see a door appear out of nowhere.
“The Room of Requirement,” he whispered, pushing the door open, disappearing inside. Nervous now, I followed him, my heart positively singing with joy. The room was dark inside, and I turned, looking for Draco. A candle fluttered into life on the far side of the room, and my nerves increased to see a bed lying against the wall. Behind me, Draco shut the door purposefully, locking it tightly with a spell, before coming to stand in front of me.
“Have you ever …”
I shook my head, suppressing a giggle. “No. You?”
A flicker of a scowl darkened his features, but soon vanished. “Never.”
I gaped, stunned. Before I could help myself I asked, “Not even with a girl?”
“No,” Draco growled, reaching out and grabbing me, kissing me roughly on the lips.
Knowing this was a new experience for him, in more ways than one, caused my nerves to dissolve a little. Gently, I slid the robe from his shoulders, and he followed suit, pushing the heavy black cloth off my body to the ground. Trembling a little, I unbuttoned his shirt, sucking in my breath as I exposed his naked chest to my eyes. He was totally perfect, flawless, a work of art. I had seen him naked before, but this was different.
This time he was for my eyes only.
I sighed as Draco’s mouth found my throat, loving every kiss he planted on my skin, loving the way his hands brushed my flesh tenderly, loving every little thing he did to me.
It's a bad world
A bad world
It's a bad world
A bad world
I woke some hours later, feeling totally at peace and alive. Feeling a strong, steady gazed on my face, I opened my eyes, rolling over, a smile on my lips. Draco was sitting beside me, watching me, his eyes dark in the dim light.
“Hey,” I smiled, suddenly feeling shy and awkward. I had no idea what to say in a moment like this. I reached for him, wrapping my arms around his waist, pulling him to me. I heard him sigh, his fingers finding my hair, brushing my long fringe back from my eyes in a gentle caress.
“Blaise,” Draco began, and I sensed his body stiffen. Dread coiled in my stomach, and I swallowed nervously, my mouth suddenly dry. “I can’t do this.”
He slid away from my arms, standing and quickly pulling on his clothes. I sat up, my head spinning.
“What do you mean? Draco, please,” I whispered, my throat tight. He turned to look at me, and in the wavering candlelight I could see tears swimming in his eyes.
“This,” he growled, throwing his hands in the air, beginning to pace the short length of the room. “You and me. I can’t.”
I climbed out of bed, the sheet wrapped around my body, feeling chilled. “But we just … you said …”
“I know!” he cried, frustrated, pulling at his hair. “Blaise, listen to me. It’s not who I am. I know that for sure now. Something just didn’t feel right to me. I know how much this must hurt you, because it hurts me to have to say it, but I’m not gay.”
I felt my body sink to the bed, the air knocked from my lungs. I clutched the sheet tightly, watching as my knuckles went white. “But how do you know?”
Draco sighed, coming to sit beside me. “I like girls, Blaise. That’s the truth. I should never of … I was confused,” he finished firmly, his tone final.
Anger sped through my veins, shocking me with its fierce white heat. “So what? You used me to sort yourself out? You took advantage of me? Knowing how much I love you?”
He flinched. “It’s not like that. I care about you, Blaise, I really do. I didn’t use you. Please don’t think that. I thought it was what I wanted,” he whispered, trying to take my hand. I pushed him away, standing up quickly, crossing the room, wanting to be far away from him.
“Get away from me,” I hissed, feeling something inside me break open and begin to fester. A look of extreme guilt and pity crossed Draco’s face, but he did as I asked. He left me there in a swirling whirlwind of grief, self-hate and jaded desire.
After a painful week of sitting alone, eating alone, going to classes alone, I saw them: Draco and the Mudblood, holding hands and giggling to each other. A vicious fire of revulsion seared through my head when I saw him lean over and plant a kiss on her slender neck, her cheek, and her lips. I wanted to kill her, kill them both. While I had spent the last week drowning, grieving, wanting to die, Draco, it seemed, had not. I turned my burning eyes away, certain I would never be able to forget the image of Draco’s beautiful blonde head bent over Granger’s as he kissed her, deeply and passionately, in the school halls, not caring who saw him.
I should have known something like this would happen, that he would do anything he could to forget what we shared, even going so far as to kiss a Mudblood in public. Slowly and dejectedly, I returned to the Slytherin Common Room, wanting to curl up on my bed and embrace the painful sensation of my heart breaking open again. I saw Pansy Parkinson sitting on the couch with her friends, her face red, her eyes streaming with tears. Poor, stupid little Pansy, I thought without sympathy. In the past, I would have offered her comfort, put my arm around her and told her it was okay, that Draco loved her and she just had to trust that. Now, however, I could not bring myself to whisper lies in her ear.
Draco Malfoy loved no one except himself. I understood that now.
Night arrived, and with the blackness he came. I lay in bed, watching as he moved carefully across the room, stopping by his bed. I felt his eyes reach across to me; I heard him sigh, sensed him take a step towards where I lay, shrouded in deep misery. He shook his head sadly, turning and shrugging his white school shirt from his shoulders. He turned on his bedside light, and in the warm orange glow I could see long lacerations run the length of his back. Fingernail marks, my mind sneered. See Blaise, he really does prefer girls. My blankets felt too hot, and as he turned in the light, I saw the angry red marks also ran down his perfect chest. I couldn’t believe it. What, was she some sort of animal?
I watched secretly as Draco gently traced one of the long, nasty welts down his chest and onto his abdomen, a small smile on his face. Maybe that’s where I went wrong - Draco likes to be treated rough. He likes to be hurt. He does not know love, I thought, recalling snatches of conversations Draco and I had had over the years, about his parents and his life at home. Caught up in my musings, I failed to notice Draco cross to my bed, and when his weight sank down beside me, I jumped, giving myself away.
“I thought you were awake,” he said softly. I said nothing. “I’m worried about you, Blaise,” he continued, his voice low and filled with care.
“Don’t be,” I snapped. “I’m sure you’re too busy with your girlfriend to … to…”
Draco sighed, and I could sense how frustrated he was getting with me, but I didn’t care. Some part of me wanted him to scream at me, to tell me to fuck off and never speak to him again. That way, it would be so much easier to hate him for his rejection.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about me and Granger, Blaise, but what could I say? The whole thing has shocked me too. That day, by the Lake, when I said she intrigued me, I never really knew how much until I heard the words come out of my mouth, and then, you and me …” his voice trailed off, and I felt a stirring of sympathy for him, understanding all too well how hard it had been. No matter what I felt though, the wounds were still too raw, too close to the surface, for me to forgive him, so I rolled away, putting my back between us, begging him to leave me alone.
“Tell me how it happened,” I whispered, surprising myself with the need to know how I had lost him so completely. I sensed him hesitate, felt his weight shift on the bed, and a fierce longing to pull him down beside me, holding him in my arms, clawed its way through my chest, competing bravely with the savage desire I had to slap his face.
“Granger found me sneaking a smoke in the North Tower, while she was doing her rounds. Instead of reporting me like I thought she would, she stayed and talked to me. It was the first real conversation I ever had with her, and I was shocked by how much I enjoyed her company. So, the next night, and the one after that, we talked again, until finally I realized I didn’t hate her anymore, and then, well, we …”
“Found true love?” I snarled, anger and jealousy making me spiteful.
“God, Blaise, you wanted to know,” Draco snapped, getting up and storming back across the room. I heard him flop down on his bed with a sigh, switching off the light and plunging us into the tense, searing darkness.
I've made up my mind
Life's not unkind
It's all I can find
I stumbled through the next week, and then another, not really caring how much time passed, or where I was. My mind was numbed with grief, and I wanted to die. I cursed under my breath as I pushed my way through a pack of first years, my usual calm demeanour vanishing in a blinding rush of hatred. I had seen her.
Standing with her stupid, arrogant friends at the bottom of a staircase, she was laughing, her head tipped back merrily, her eyes shining with pleasure. I had no idea who had caused her to laugh like that, Potter or Weasley, and I didn’t care. Rage as I had never known filled every fibre of my body, and I headed towards her, determined to make her realise how much she had ruined my life. I watched as she hugged Potter, and then Weasley, the tall red-head’s embrace lingering a little longer than one would expect from a friend.
Potter and Weasley left her standing alone by the staircase. I saw her glance at her watch, and then up again, her eyes scanning the halls, an annoyed expression on her face. I stopped, waiting until she saw me.
“Blaise!” she called, as if we were best friends. She rushed up to me, ugly brown hair flying in all directions, and I wondered how Draco could stand to touch it. She smiled at me. “Have you seen Draco?”
I fought to keep the monster beneath my skin, feeling it clawing at the walls of my soul, begging to be let out, begging to wipe that smile from her face. I clenched my hands into fists, my body tense, feeling ready to snap her in half for even daring to say his name.
“No,” I spat venomously, enjoying seeing her face fall at my harsh tone. “Why would I have seen him?”
Her eyes narrowed. “Are you alright?”
I couldn’t help it. I screamed. I fell to my knees and howled out my misery for the entire school to hear. Granger took a wary step away from me, her eyes looking desperately around us. I began to laugh, feeling like I had gone crazy, and perhaps I had, but I didn’t care.
“Granger,” I said, still on my knees. “You bitch.”
She recoiled, her face paling, shock and confusion clouding her eyes. Her hand flew to her wand instinctively, and I quickly withdrew my own, disarming her in a second. True to her Gryffindor courage, she stood her ground, her eyes boring into my skull, never leaving my face.
“What do you want, Blaise?” she asked coldly.
I laughed again, standing up, my wand and hers clutched in my hand. “I want you to understand something you whore,” I snarled, jealousy and rage making me cruel. She didn’t flinch, just lifted her head, and I knew she had endured worse from the rest of Slytherin House since her relationship with Draco had been made public.
“He broke my heart because of you, because you wouldn’t let him be who he is. You just couldn’t leave him alone could you! You and your little talks!” I heard myself screaming. Students had begun to fill the halls, moving between classes, drawn by my yelling and cursing. Their faces watched us curiously.
“Draco is still your friend,” she said gently, taking a step towards me. I crawled away, pain and unrequited love making me feel like a maniac. If she came any closer, I would smash her face in, not caring one bit that she was a girl, and I had been raised not to hit women.
“My friend. Sure. Guess what, Hermione,” I said loudly, using her name mockingly. “We were more than that.”
I watched her face carefully; waiting to see how long it would take the smartest girl in school to understand she was being told her boyfriend had had a relationship with another man. A gloating smile crept onto my face as tears filled her eyes, my head ringing with triumph. Somewhere deep inside me, I was appalled. I was never this selfish, never cruel or callous. But I had never had my heart broken into an irreparable mess before either. Granger raised her head, looking directly into my eyes, her face soft and sympathetic.
“I know,” she whispered, her eyes glistening. “I’m so sorry, Blaise.”
I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. He told her!
My knees gave way, and oblivious to the scores of people standing watching us, I sank to the ground, defeated. She already knew. Not knowing what else to do, I sobbed my heart out, feeling my world crash down around me, shattering into a million pieces. She knew. She knew. She already knew. I looked up. Granger was standing a few feet from me, a pained expression on her face, as if she didn’t know what to do next.
Feeling pathetic, I climbed awkwardly to my feet, my vision obscured by tears of anger and regret. Slowly, I looked around, my hazy eyes falling on confused and fearful faces, and I realized with deep sadness what I had done. I had exposed myself to the world in the worst way possible, and more than that, I had exposed my dearest friend as well. I looked at Granger, mortified. Draco would never forgive me, not for something like this.
“Hey Zabini,” a voice called from the assembled crowd, and I turned my face in its direction, my eyes searching for the speaker. A tall Ravenclaw boy was pushing his way through the throng of stunned spectators, his face alight with malicious glee. “I always said you were a queer.”
A ripple of laughter spread through the crowd, and I felt my insides gripped with icy fear. So many years of carefully protecting myself - gone in a moment of emotional weakness. The laughter grew louder, and hot, angry tears brimmed my eyes, threatening to spill down my cheeks.
“Glad I’m not in Slytherin; imagine having to share a dorm with him,” the boy called, his voice echoing clearly above the laughter.
“Shut up, Williams!” Granger hissed in a cold hard voice, and surprised, I looked at her. She was furious, and had begun marching towards the gathered crowd with determined purpose. Some younger students scattered out of the way of her anger.
“Sticking up for your boyfriend’s boyfriend. How touching,” Williams sneered. Hermione stalked up to him, never once intimidated by his physical size. The sixth year Ravenclaw boy towered over her, his arms folded across his massive chest. From somewhere in my tortured mind I remembered he was a Beater for the Ravenclaw Quidditch team. I watched with detached interest as Granger slammed her hand across Williams’ face, the boy recoiling in shock and anger. Just as he reached for her, a familiar head of blonde hair cut through the crowd. Draco slid in between Granger and Williams, his body tense.
“Lay one hand on her and it’ll be the last thing you ever do,” he warned, his voice as hard and cold as ice, the tip of his wand pressed against the other boy’s neck. Williams backed down instantly, his face transformed into a mask of distaste as he stared at Draco, who was easily as tall as him, though nowhere near as broad. I saw Williams’ eyes drift to where I was standing, a hunched, miserable figure. My heart stopped beating at the look in his flat brown eyes. Uneasily, I saw that he was not the only one looking at me that way. With an increasing sense of dread, I slipped away from the scene, dropping Granger’s wand on the ground, just as Professor Snape rounded the corner, his dull monotone ringing with anger.
It's a bad world
A crash of pain, bones breaking, shattering. The blood flowed freely down my chin. I blinked, the world slowly spinning away from me as I felt myself sink into the darkness. I was lost. I was alone. And I was terrified of dying like this, broken and torn apart, sprawled in a pool of my own hot, red blood on the bathroom floor. I felt my mind leave my body as I was pummeled over and over again, hard fists slamming into my body. I did not struggle when they tore the shirt from my chest, or when they pushed my body to the floor, reigning kick after kick into my tender ribs. I shut it out, closing my eyes and slipping into a dream filled with Draco’s soft kisses on my face…
A bad world
One of my attackers stepped over me, taking care to tread on my outstretched hand. The others joined in his laughter when I whimpered, unable to utter any other form of sound.
“That’ll teach you, fag,” one of them said with malice, spitting on the ground in front of my face, and I felt tears of rage slowly build behind my eyes. There was nothing I could do to stop them flowing down my marred and bloody cheeks. I could not move my hand to wipe them away. Where was my beautiful man when I needed him most, I thought in despair, listening to the harsh laughter assault my ears just as fists had assaulted my body. One of them tossed me my robes and my shirt, and I clutched them desperately to my decimated body, my eyes closing. I slipped gratefully into unconsciousness, welcoming the darkness that descended on my soul.
It's a bad world
A bad world
The door crashed open and immediately I tensed, my body rigid with fear. I heard a voice calling my name, a sweet, angelic voice, and for a moment I thought I had slipped from my hell into my own personal heaven. Draco stood in the doorway, his features hidden by the shadows. I began to cry as I heard him suck in a hiss of breath. Without saying a word, he was at my side, his hands supporting my head, drawing me into his lap, his fingers stroking back my hair. My sobbing increased as I sensed his eyes travel the length of my bruised and destroyed flesh, and I tried to turn my face away in shame. I did not want him to see me like this.
“My god, Blaise,” he whispered, his voice low and filled with sadness. Gently he lifted me up, holding me tenderly in his arms, and I let my head fall forward on his shoulder, smearing the crisp white material with a putrid mixture of blood and tears.
“Who did this to you?” he asked, his voice stronger, filled with a burning anger.
“It doesn’t matter,” I murmured against his shoulder. Nothing mattered anymore. He was here; he was with me. Draco held me away from him, staring intently at my face.
“Of course it matters. Blaise, they could have killed you. Tell me who did this, and I will hurt them like they have never been hurt before,” he vowed, wiping away my tears with his sleeve. I winced, the pressure on my cheek unbearable, but I shook my head. “Was it that brute Williams?”
“I don’t know who it was,” I lied through stiff lips. It didn’t matter. He was here.
It's a bad world
A bad world
Sleep claimed him, wrapping his fragile body in her warm, dark blanket. The boy succumbed, going under willingly, waiting to see him again. It was only in dreams that they could be together, their limbs entwined, their souls lying side by side. It was only in dreams that he could share his love, all his fears stripped away, peeled from his body like layers of restrictive cloth.
In dreams he was free, unshackled, and true.
It's a bad world
A bad world
A/N: It was emotionally draining writing this piece, but I loved every minute of the experience. I need to give another shout out to Dracana, who was my inspiration for this fic. Her wonderful story, Curious Attraction really struck a chord with me, and I urge all of you to check it out.
I have a lot of friends who are homosexual, bisexual or identify as transgendered, and I have drawn on some of the personal experiences they shared with me to write this piece. I hope I did justice to their pain and their courage. I could write you all an essay about why I think it is important for everyone to be tolerant of difference in this world, but then you would be here reading forever.
My aim in writing this piece was to show how hard it is for some people to accept that, one, they are gay, and two, that society is so scared of its own ignorance that occasionally many homosexual and transgendered people spend their entire existence in fear, consequently living a lie.
I hope you liked and appreciated this fic. As an important note, I do not want to receive any reviews that are negative or critical of any of the views I have expressed in this piece. If you cannot say something positive about Blaise and Draco’s situation, then please do not say anything at all.
Uplifting and positive reviews are always respected and treasured!
Thank you for reading