Chapter 6 : Goodbye Alice In Wonderland
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There I was, sitting on an old bed. Some bed that probably belonged to some Hogwarts student. I looked down at my palms. I didn’t know why I was there. It didn’t seem right. Nothing seemed right. I craved reality. Something familiar. I felt as naïve as a child. Something I didn’t like to feel.
I felt lonely. I felt scared. I felt confused. But mostly, I felt heartbreak.
Why had I wanted him so much? Finally when I could have him, I turned him away. Just like that. I looked at those boots, again. They seemed to mock me now.
They could be at home on any feet. They had my mother. Now they had me. I guess in a way I had only realized how wrong I was to identify with them. We were nothing alike.
They were okay no matter where they were. I was so caught up in feeling as if I belonged and finding something familiar, I had lost sense of who I actually was. It was too late to revive, too. I was nothing. Just lost in memories, just searching aimlessly for my old life. I had been sucked into this whirlwind of chaos, and I wasn’t sure if I’d ever be okay again.
“They” had been Voldemort and his followers. Dozens of order members had been killed. I had survived. Sirius hid me. I felt so foolish. Why had they saved me? I was nothing. I walked along the side of the lake. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stop unwanted tears. Why had I even agreed to come?
How was I helping? I was…I was…just a muggle. And then I sat at the edge of the lake, arms wrapped around my knees. I felt somebody sit next to me. I looked over to see Peter.
Peter. I hadn’t seen much of him lately.
“Hey,” He said, not looking at me.
“Hey,” I said lamely.
“Alea, that was amazing how you survived. We all thought you were…” I nodded.
“Sirius hid me.” He nodded. We sat in complete silence. I looked up at him and suddenly asked,
“Whose side are you on Peter?” He turned to me abruptly, eyes wide.
“Why would you ask that?”
“I- Peter, I notice things. You’re never around and when Voldemort attacked you weren’t there.”
“You don’t know what your talking about! Where do you get off making bloody accusations like that anyway, Alea!” He stood up and stormed off, leaving me feeling terrible. I sighed and got up. I suddenly felt an overwhelming feeling of missing my family.
My brothers and my father. They were muggles. Just muggles and they meant so much to me.
Sighing, I picked up a rock and threw it as hard as I could.
“There you stupid word! Take that! Idiotic word. Means nothing. Means NOTHING!” And I fell onto the ground and began to sob. Wasn’t I just a muggle? Wasn’t I meaningless?
Maybe, just maybe I had started to take comfort in being nothing. That was probably the scariest part. Maybe I wasn’t nothing. Not at all. I didn’t know who or what to believe in. I didn’t know what was true and what was a lie.
I didn’t know who I was, or who I was supposed to be. I didn’t know who I was pretending to be. I didn’t know my friends and I didn’t know my enemies. I felt like a child who was inferior. And suddenly I felt nothing but apathy.
Completely uncaring. And no, I didn’t feel a tap on the shoulder. Nobody rescued me.
Nobody was there to hold me after the nightmare. Because this was the nightmare and I would never wake up. I got up and began to walk back to the castle. I was greeted by Remus.
“Lea, we need to get to the old headquarters. We left some plans back there that were guarded by magic. We need to check to see if they’re still there. You’re welcome to come. We don’t want to leave you here alone.” I nodded and took his arm bracing myself for apparation. And then, we were there. It was chaotic. It wasn’t like before.
There were so many people being killed and I wanted to scream. In fact, I did.
“Alea! I need to get you back to Hogwarts!”
“There’s no time, Lupin!” Snarled Snape.
“Alright, hide, Alea!” Said Remus as he joined Snape and began to fight. My heart pounded in my chest. I needed to go somewhere. I backed up and hit something. I looked behind me. There it was. The old headquarters, or what was left of it anyway. And then it hit me. This was it.
This was in my nightmare. I wanted to scream again. I wanted to throw up and I wanted to go home and just be a muggle. But I didn’t want to die the way it had happened in the dream. I wanted to do something for the Order, like I said I would. And there was Lily. Fighting with a cloaked figure.
She wasn’t doing to well, undoubtedly at her limit. She was panting and dodging spells. I had been unnoticed so far. I sprinted to where she was. The figure lifted his arm, wand in hand.
“Avada-” Lily was already keeled over in pain. I pushed her out of the way, heart beating so loud I couldn’t think straight. I cringed, ready for it all. Not ready, really. Just, preparing. And then spell hit me. Right in the heart. “Alea!” I heard someone scream.
Everything was in slow motion. Everything. I saw Sirius stun who he was fighting with and James began to run over to Lily and myself. I smiled for a second I’m sure. Death wasn’t as scary.
Maybe living was the tough part of it all. I wasn’t sure where I was going, or who I would see. I wasn’t sure if everything I had once believed was a lie, but I owed myself something. I did not close an eye before saying.
“Not just a muggle.”
I would give anything to relive that time with the order. I would give anything to go back in time just to tell myself that I was Alea, not a muggle. I would give anything to tell Sirius I still loved him.
But one thing I wouldn’t want to do is live my life again. I had lived, made mistakes and learned in time. I would never be perfect. But the most important lesson I had ever learned was:
It all comes down to those last few seconds. If you regret or rejoice. If you smile or frown. If you laugh or cry. Because you are finally going home, to where you belong. I belonged somewhere all along. I belong where my friends are. I belong where the wind is.
I belong where the sun shines. I belong where the snow falls and where boots make prints in it. I belong where the bird sings.
I belong where a child laughs. I belong where a child cries. I belong at that headstone where the words read:
Beloved Daughter, Sister, Friend and Devoted Order Member
I belong here and there, but mostly, I belong my memories belonging to James, Peter and Remus.
But mostly, memories that belong to Sirius.
Yes, my story is tragic. But there is no solid moral to follow it. There are too many to mention. I lived foolishly, only looking at the past and how I percieved normality and the "right way" to live. But if I had only stopped for a second I would've realized all I ever needed was right beside me. I would've realized what I was doing when I threw love away.
A/N: Ah and the story comes to a finish. A bit depressing, but I hope you enjoyed it. Please, please review! I would be so happy if you did!