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Chapter 1 : A Little Bit of Randomness
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Disclaimer: Not all of the fanfic is mine! I wrote it with the help of one of my friends from a forum page, and a few other people joined in as well. Because of how the fic ended up being written, I also changed some things so it was acceptible on this site (not in scrpit format).
A/N: The bold words followed by a colon are the names of who wrote the lines under it. And for purposes of the story, Ginny is 17, Harry, Ron, Hermoine are 18, and everyone else is the age they should be with those four at the specified ages.
"Teach me to be good, Albus! I want to be good!" cried Voldemort.
Dumbledore laughed hystarically and walked away muttering about Harry's premeditated death.
punkheid (other main author):
"Premediated death?!" Voldemort panicked, "But-but-but... I love Harry! I've just bought
a place in the country that I was hoping we could move into, and I have a plan to earn a living selling home-grown turnips in the local market place... DON'T DIE, HARRY-BABY!!!"
"You're too late to save Harry now. My specially selected Order members are advancing on him as we speak! Mwhahahaha!!" Dumbledore replied evilly.
Voldemort sobbed brokenly. "My One True Love!!! But -- no, I can't let myself go to pieces! I have to stay in control if I'm to have any hope of saving my little snugglekins! AH HA, I have a Plan!" He stuck his disturbingly long tongue out at the laws of impossibility and Apparated to the side of his beloved.
"I WILL PROTECT YOU!!" Voldemort shouted as he whiped out a samurai sword.
The Advance Guard from OotP stared in shock at Voldemort.
Remus waved his wand and the a.g. were dressed like ninjas. "There is nothing you can do against us, Riddle. We've already made reservations at the funeral parlor."
"Huh?" Harry said.
Sirius then appeared out of no where as a ghost. "Do you think I'll still be able to gnaw on chicken bones like this?"
Voldemort said, "Well, sucks to be you, homies, 'cause your money's gonna be wasted D PREPARE TO DIE!!!!" Then beheaded a Random Member of the Advance Guard. "... Oh my. I... I... Oh. There's... a lot of blood... Harry, Harry honeypie, I don't like blood..." He clutches Harry.
"I doubt it, Sirius. Though here, give it a go!" Ron said, throwing him a chicken bone, which passed straight through him, hitting Remus on the head. "Ah, perhaps not... ... Hey... what am I doing here anyway... ?"
"Bleurrrgh!" Remus exclaimed with much waving of his wand.
"Holy crivens!" cried the Advance Guard. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO OUR CLOTHES?!?!" They are now dressed in tutus, coconut bikini-tops, and fluffy green slippers.
Harry asked, " ... May I call you Voldie?"
Voldemort answered, "Of course!! You may call me whatever your wonderful heart desires. Just, um, just-" he went into hystarics "-get rid of the blood Harry!"
"So-rry!" Remus said. He waved his wand, and his clothes went back to a normal ninja, everyone else was a pink ninja.
Ron asked hopefully, "Can I be an orange GI Joe?"
"Oh, nuts!" Sirius exclaimed. "What the heck am I gonna do if I can't gnaw on chicken bones?!?!"
Harry, going sparkle sparkle, said, "Remus! I've finally found true love! I knew that the fluttery, twinkly feeling in my stomach whenever I saw this gorgeous specimen of snake-like tastiness wasn't fear! But oh, yes, the blood." He got out mops and brushes. "YOU THERE! Yes, A. G., I mean YOU! Get scrubbin'!"
"... You know, one could get used to this attire..." Mundungus Fletcher said.
Kingsley Shacklebolt replied, "You're... you're right! And don't you feel... strangely... dancey?"
"Why... why, yes! Yes, I do! Oh my!" Severus Snape grabbed a mop and burst into song. "Workin' at the carwash!"
Remus said, "Uh, er, um, ah, eh... Y-yes..." Then waved his wand vaguely at Ron while staring slack-jawed at gyrating A.G. members.
"Hum, a very good quest--" Ron was interrupted by his transformation into a large cactus.
"Cor blimey," Sirius said, "what's a man gotta do to get a decent, normal, chicken-bone-filled life around here?!"
Harry turned to Sirius. "You know you're dead, right." To the a.g. he said, "I said 'scrub', not put on a show!"
"So you're just gonna stand there and point out the obvious while I turn into a nervous wreck 'cause I can't have any gosh dang chicken bones?!?!" Sirius burst into tears. "James would've cared."
Remus did a tribal-like dance around the cactus a.k.a. Ron.
Harry said, "Well I have my true love Voldie now, why would I care?"
Snape exclaimed, "But it's the Carwash Song!! How can you resist it's incredible charm?! See, see, look at the Incredible Charm!" He swayed to music only he and the rest of the A. G. could hear.
A. G., in eerily perfect time with one another, "Working at the car wash, oh oh, yeah yeah."
Kingsley sang, "OHH YEEAAAHHH!!!"
Other A. G. members swayed in the background. "Yeeahh..."
Voldemort whimpered. "Great heavens, is this death by Car Wash?! Harry, babykins,
let's skedaddle! I meant to tell you - the reason I came here was to save you - this is all clearly a Nefarious Plot!!"
"To save me?" Harry asked. "Oh, Voldie, you're so gallant!" He swooned, then paused in swooning. "Oh, wait a minute. Sirius - how about this tasty undead turnip instead??" Harry threw him an undead turnip and resumed swooning.
" ... Undead... turnip?!" Sirius asked.
"MAY THE RAIN GODS BLESS THIS LAND!!" Remus shouted.
Everyone stoped what he or she was doing to look at the sky at Remu's comment.
All the clouds dissappeared.
Remus said angrily, "I SAID, "MAY THE RAINS GODS BLESS THIS LAND"!!"
Rain God came into sky on a cloud. "Oh, my bad." And started the rain.
"We must continue with the ritual Carwash song!!... song's over. Whatever will we do?!" Snape threw himself to the ground in hystarics.
Sirius took a bite out of the turnip. "Hey, this isn't half bad!... Wait, come someone get me some undead salt?"
"I think I might have some!" Tonks tripped and fell on the cactus. "Ouch."
"Never mind," Sirius said.
"Yes! We will use this bountiful rain to grow undead turnips!! What a harvest we will have!!" Remus exclaimed.
Harry said, "Voldie-poo, let's get out of here, this rain is ruining your perfect complection."
Voldemort sparkled with joy. "But of course, my sweet chicken of happiness! I have the perfect idea: lets spend a romantic week in Paris! We can boat along the Seine at midnight, with candles floating in the water around us, the starlight reflecting from your green, emerald, eyes, orbs, and rose petals strewn everywhere."
Harry swooned. "Ohhh, honey-pie! Where have you been all my life?!?"
"What joy!" Sirius started digging rows for the turnips to be planted in, using a large inflatable carrot.
"HEY!! That's MY inflatable carrot you're abusing!!" Tonks yelled.
"But think of the harvest, I tell you!" Remus retorted.
... Tonks thinks ... "You're right!" Feverishly, she said, "Dig, dig, dig, dog-man!!"
"Now, now, Severus," Kingsley pointed out, "you're forgetting the wealth of our repertoire! I think it's quite clearly time for Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend!!" He waved his wand.
A. G. were suddenly sparkling with diamonds and sporting 8' long silver feather boas.
"Oh... hallo, chaps," Hermoine said. "What's going on? Oooh!! Look! The most rare species of cactus on the planet, the Flobberula Bumblewhubbin! I need its spines for my Seduce-Dumbledore Potion, but I'd given up hope of ever finding them!" She descended upon unwitting cactus bearing large and gleaming shears.
A muffled help escaped the cactus a.k.a. Ron as Hermione removed the spine which sounded suspiciusly like "Oooh, that tickles!"
Hermione paused in her deighted spine-gathering. "Eh? I could have sworn... Hey, Dobby, c'mere and tell me if you hear anything when I do this." She resumed her delighted gathering.
Dobby exclaimed, "HOLY HEDGE-CLIPPINGS! I could swear I heard a voice saying, "Ooh my! Hehehe!""
"Hey folks, anyone fancy a beer?" asked Rain God.
"Cheers!" said Voldemort. "Now let us all dance around the royal cactus of doom!"
"But Voldie-sweetling, I thought we were going to Paris? ... Ah, heck! Let's!" Harry dons silk pantaloons and danced madly around the cactus.
Voldemort told him, "We are still going to Paris, I would not miss a trip with you for the world! We will dance around the cactus of doom and pray for it to leave us be!"
"All right then, babydoll!" Harry clasped Voldemort's hand as they cavorted around the unfortunate cactus/Ron.
"Well hot d--n, how'd my innocent spine-gathering mission turn into this?!" Hermione wanted to know.
Snape sung out, "I'M A MATEEEERIAL GIRL!"
Cactus a.k.a. Ron keeled over.
"NOOO!!!" Remus shouted. "The cactus was to guard the undead turnips!! Is the world without justice?!?!"
"Well it must be!" Dumbledore pointed to Harry. "You're supposed to be DEAD!!"
"You've hurt me deeply, Professor. But why?" Harry asked.
"You mean that my favourite meal is in danger yet again?!?" Sirius brandished the inflatable carrot at Hermione. "You and your Seduce-Dumbledore Potion!! ... Wait a minute..."
"Harry. Well. Ah, blast it, I'll just out and say it. FAWKES WAS IN LOVE WITH YOU! And Fawkes was supposed to be MINE!" Dumbledore sobbed. "So, I'm going to get even once and for all!! By-- Eh? ... Seduce-Dumbledore Potion? What's going on?"
Voldemort whispered, "Harry, I suggest we slip away now, while he's distracted!"
Kingsley swooped past on a large, glittering swing taken directly from Moulin Rouge, the film. "OHHHH, Diamonds are a girl's best friend!"
Tonks did the can-can in the background.
Hermione boldly states, "Yes! Seduce-Dumbledore Potion! He shall be mine and mine alone!!" Muttering to herself, she says, "Mental note to self: DESTROY Dumbly's bird."
Remus looked up at sky. "Oh, look at that pretty full moon..."
Everyone Else went, "..."
Fawkes hollered, "Why you INSOLENT BOUNDER! As if YOU could off ME, great fire bird of unrivaled wit, charm, beauty, and guile. HA. I throw Alby's love in your face, hairball."
"Oh, BLAST," said Mundungus Fletcher.
"Oh, CRIPES," said Sirius.
"Oh, CRIVENS," said Voldemort.
"Oooh, a LARGE AND UNGAINLY OSTRICH!" exclaimed Harry.
Kingsley fell off the swing accompanied by loud clanking noise due to the mass of diamonds sparkling about his person. "MAN THE HATCHES, CHAPS!!! ... I mean, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, FELLOWS!!! ... Er, I mean, GRAB A HOLD OF THAT LUPIN BLOKE BEFORE HE HURTS ANY OF THESE INNOCENTS, LADS!!!"
"Innocents?" Dumbledore asked. "And, incidentally, had you noticed that Lupin's already transformed?"
Everyone said, "... Aw, shucks!"
Remus BIT THE CACTUS.
Cactus a.k.a. Ron sprung back to life and developed a mouth. "I LIVE!!! Who knew a werewolf bite brings the Flobberula Bumblewhubbin Cactus back to life?!?!"
Remus went, "Owwie!!" and started to cry from a cactus spine cut.
Sirius laughed in the werewolf's face.
"Now, who wants to seduce me?"Dumbledore asked.
Hermione cried out, "RON?!?! What the heck?! YOU were that cactus?! You mean... when I was collecting spines... I was collecting... you?!"
"RON wants to seduce me?!" Dumbledore gave Ron the once-over. "Hey... come here often?"
"Oh dearie me! Allow me to bandage that for you Remus!" Snape used his feather boa to clean the cut, and ripped a section of his already rather revealing diamon-sprinkled skirt to use as bandage.
Sirius waved the inflatable carrot in rather futile manner.
"Sirius, I don't care if you're f---ing dead, STOP PLAYING WITH MY INFLATABLE CARROT!!!" bellowed Tonks.
"C'mon cacty-pie! You've got such a smokin' bod!" Dumbledore told him.
Ron a.k.a. Cactus, rooted in place, yelled, "HELP!!!"
"Voldie-kins," Harry asked, "are we ever going to Paris?"
Sirius clutched the inflatable carrot. "MINE!!"
"Harry, sweet muffin of my heart, I think we should go this very second, before Lupin turns upon the rest of us!" Voldemort said.
"Voldie-baby, I agree!" Harry threw himself into Voldemort's waiting arms.
Voldemort began, "TO INFINITY AND BEY--- I mean, prepare to Apparate, honey-bunny!"
Mundungus Fletcher said, "Ya wee blighters!! I'm not letting you get away while we're
left to deal with this bunch!!" He clutched at thin air.
"It would appear, my dear Mundungus, that they are gone. What woe," Snape explained.
Kingsley said, "You don't say?? Oh my." He pinged diamonds at Remus.
"SMOKIN' BOD?!? Huh?! This... this is too much! Get those roots up and we'll get out of here Cacty-pi--- I mean Ron! Argh!" Dobby exploded.
"Oh, Hermione, it'll be... er... all right." Tonks consoled, "coughcough. I'm sure-- wait, YOURS?!! I'LL SEE ABOUT THAT, YOU MANGY CUR!!" She tripped over a bag of turnip seeds and fell at Remus' feet.
Remus slavered somewhat.
"We're finally here!!" Harry yelled.
"We made it!!" Voldemort announced.
Remus randomly started freak dancing.
"NO! Harry cannot leave here unless it's in a coffin!" Dumbledore apparated off to find Harry.
Ron a.k.a. Cactus asked, "Am I gonna be stuck like this forever?"
"Never mind you, what about the undead turnips?!?!" Sirius wanted to know.
Kreacher declared, "Give me socks!"
"Never mind socks, WHAT ABOUT MY TURNIPS?" Sirius shouted.
Ron a.k.a. Cactus hollered, "Who cares about turnips?!? I'm rooted to the ground!!"
The Sun rose.
Remus transformed back. To Snape, and delusional from biting the cactus, he said, "Mummy, where do babies come from?"
Harry and Voldemort were splinched when trying to apparate to Voldemort's country home to escape Dumbledore who showed up in Paris with a chain saw.
"Oh, blasts! My work is done for me. That's no fun at all!" Dumbledore moped.
"Well, dearheart, there’s this giant panda that comes from Norway, and he gets on a raft and boats himself to where the mummy and daddy are, and hands over the baby! Isn’t that incredible?! I was gobsmacked when I discovered it myself, anyway. By the way, how did you know that I was your mother? I was certain that the adoption agency kept these things confidential," Snape said.
Voldemort’s Head went, "Ah, we have a slight problem Harry-dearie. Can you hear
Harry’s Mouth answered, "Yes, don’t worry darling-poo, one of my ears is with you. And my left nostril, incidentally. You smell as fragrant as ever, sweetheart."
Voldemort’s Head responds, "Why thank you, kitten! And I must note that even your left nostril transports me with joyous love. But to the problem at hand: I believe we must attempt to Apparate back to Paris, in order to put ourselves back together. This, however, could prove tricky. I haven’t the foggiest where the Pritt Stik is."
Tonks proclaimed, "NEVER FEAR!! I’m a trained Healer! Allow me!"
Harry’s Mouth started, "WAIT A---"
Kreacher attempted to steal Dumbledore’s stocks, before discovering that they were, in fact, women’s stockings.
Hermione called, "GINNY! I HAVE DEEP FEMME SLASHY LOVE FOR YOU!"
Ginny yelled in answer, "FINALLY! Someone has remembered my existence!" She glared at Ron. "... Er. Brother dear. You're a cactus. Er. HUH?!"
Dobby questioned, "But... I thought you were planning to seduce Dumbledore, Hermione! Ah, the fickle youth of today..."
Cactus said, "I am offended at being subjected to being compared to that twit!"
"Well you are that twit!! I mean... agh!!" Ron attempted to retort.
Dumbledore eyes were alight. "Can you put him back together Tonks? I want to chop them into stew myself!!"
Harry' Mouth said, "On that note, I think I'll stay like this, thanks."
"But-but how will we ever be to together?!" Voldemort's Head cried.
Tonks pulled out a Muggle sewing kit. "No prob."
Remus stuttered, "You-you mean... I really have a mother?!?!"
"Of course! I wouldn't let a giant panda raise you!!" Snape told him.
Kingsley Shacklebolt asked, "... You mean to say that you are not, in actual fact, Ron Weasley? That you are not Ronald Weasley, but an innocent cactus? That rain dances have been danced most gracefully about the person of one who is not at all connected to RONALD BILIUS WEASLEY, WHERE IN THE HELL ARE YOU THEN, YOU MUPPET?!?!"
"Ooo-er." Mundungus Fletcher took over residence of Kingsley's swing, and watched the proceedings with great interest.
"Hmm. Hermione. You... are rather pretty, you know." Ginny coughed.
Ron emerged, yawning, from some bushes which were handily off to one side. "So, what'd I miss, folks?"
"Hold on, if I didn't turn Ron into the cactus then..." Remus turned to the cactus.
Everyone stared at the cactus.
"What, didn't know we could talk, did ya? Or appear out of nowhere due to random boredness cause we're cacti and have nothing bette to do, eh? Well I laugh at you now!! Hahaha!" Cactus laughed.
Kingsley threw diamonds down the cactus's throat.
Remus asked, "Oh. Oh my. I never thought... Um. Would you prefer that I call you Mummy now?"
Harry's Head, now reunited, yelled, "STEW?! But---but--- I'd be awfully gristly, I'm sure
Voldemort's Head, now joined to his neck and one arm, continued, "Oh indeed, and I would be fearfully fatty, most definitely!"
Tonks' needle whisked through the air at incredible speed. "Nearly done now, lads!"
Voldemort feebly asked, "Are... are you sure needles are meant to whisk?"
Sirius bellowed, "HAS EVERYONE FORGOTTEN ABOUT MY TURNIPS?!?!"
"Yo dudes! Look! I've had a make-over!" Kreacher was wearing Dumbledore's stockings, and felt like a new elf.
Fawkes prclaimed, "Isn't it obvious folks? This is the Cactus of Doom, come to END THE WORLD!"
Ron stated, "I'm really hungry. Could really go some steak and kidney right now."
Cactus was still choking.
Mundungus Fletcher yelled, "Don't let that cactus die! We'll all go with it!"
Everyone screamed, "AAHHHH!!"
Rain God muttered, "So glad I'm immortal."
Everyone screamed, "AAHHHH!!"
Tonkssaid, "That's it boys! Good as new!" She patted them on the head. "And now I----"
Sky cracked in two with a loud boom.
"Harry-baby!!" Voldemort seized him.
"Voldie-sweetling!!" Harry clutched him.
"WUZZGOINON?!?" Tonks yelled.
Rain God told her, "Ah, don't worry, it's just the end of the world."
Tonks said, "Oh, right. Thanks. So, guys, shall we head back?"
Harry answered, "Ah, sure. Heheh. All that fuss about nothing, eh?"
Voldemort responded, "Hoho, indeed! So glad that's all it is - for a moment I thought it was the end of the world or something!"
Everyone screamed, "... AHHHHH!!!"
Dumbledore announced, "... Aw, shucks, I have nothing to lose now! Apparates back to England RON, SAY YOU'LL BE MY BOYFRIEND FOR OUR LAST MOMENTS TOGETHER!"
"I can't." Ron turned his head in shame. "I love Dobby!"
Dobby went, "..."
Remus asked, "Mummy, hold me, I'm scared!!"
Snape told him, "First I need to tell you who your father was..."
Dumbledore announced, "I accpet my death, if Ron will not be mine!!... Hey wait, Kingsley, you still single?"
"Alby! I thought you'd never ask!" Kingsley swooned into Dumbeldore's arms.
"How romantic!!" Kreacher took photos. "... You know, this has put me in the Mood For Love! TONKS, SWEETHEART!!! I've always found you attractive! How about it?"
"... You know, I could be amenable to this. It's just... the height difference. I'm sure you'd get back pain," Dobby told him.
Hermione and Ginny have been silent for some time due to the fact that they have been instead discovering one another's tonsils.
Mundungus hollered, "SNAPE!! I thought you said you wouldn't tell anyone about that!!! ... I... I mean..."
Ron said in utter anguish, "You don't love me!!"
Dumbledore sighed contently. "Alas, I am loved!"
Harry yelled, "Hey, Rain God, why don't you get your butt down here and do something
before we all perish into the unknown?!"
Rain God answered, "Yeah, right."
Everyone shouted, "GOOD-BYE CRUEL WORLD!!!"
World blew up.
Kreacher stood alone on moon. "That was it?"
Rain God said, "Hey, why didn't you die, you bizarre, cross-dressing, perfume-wearing weirdo?"
Kreacher told him, "It's quite clearly destiny. We're meant to be together. It's the only explanation. And, come to think of it, I have always gravitated towards more humid climes."
"You're right. OMG. Honey, where've you been all my life?" Rain God asked.
Rain God and Kreacher kissed passionately as the ending credits roll.
Kreacher's Stockings fell down.
"I cannot believe I've gotta look at that," Man in the Moon said dryly.
A/N: That was one "possibilty", the other begins when the world blows up, and is still WIP. When it's completed, it will be chapter 2.
Reviews are welcome.
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