Love was the most confusing thing that ever happened in my life. It hit me like a ton of bricks at the beginning of my seventeenth year, and it never, ever left me alone. I can’t even believe who I fell in love with. Everything was so crazy—but it felt so right.
It started in Hogwarts. He was always asking me out but I continued rejecting him—but it never stopped him.
— Fifth Year
“LEAVE ME ALONE POTTER!” I yelled in the pouring rain. My hair was drenched, my clothes stuck to my body, and I could barely see anything.
“You know I can’t do that Lily,” James replied sincerely.
“How many times are you going to keep asking me?!” I yelled furiously walking closer to him. “What makes you think that I’ll change my mind in a day about you?”
After a while, he laughed bitterly.
“You know what Evans, that’s your problem,” James said. “You can’t see change in people. Do you know that people change? Evans, you really, really need to start to see the good in some people. You might actually be surprised!”
“I know people can change,” I retorted viciously. “I just don’t believe that you can.” Sadness took over his face immediately. He dropped the flowers he was holding, turned around and walked back into the castle, leaving me cold, alone and drenched from the rain. As his figure became smaller and smaller, I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of regret bubbling in my stomach. I knew I shouldn’t have been so hard on him, but I couldn’t help it. With Potter—it was like word vomit.
My mother started pulling my hair into a bun, as my best friend painted my face with various shades of make-up. I sat there in front of a mirror, staring into my reflection—completely emotionless—wondering what the hell I was doing. I was dressed in the most beautiful wedding gown I’ve ever seen in my life. My hair was intricately done—thanks to my mother—and my face was so perfectly done, that the blatant sadness that had come upon me that very morning was well hidden. One of the bride’s mates handed me my flowers, and left me alone in the room under my request.
I sat there, staring at myself in the mirror—just staring. After moments, and moments of silence, I came to the conclusion that I was getting married to someone my heart did not recognize—someone I forced myself to love.
There was a soft knock on the door, and my mother poked her head inside—most likely to check up on me. She leaned in slightly, and when she decided it was safe to come in, she stepped inside and made her to my side. “Mother,” I began softly, never taking my eyes from the mirror. “What am I doing?” I whispered.
She sighed, and gave me a small smile. “You’re marrying a good man, Lily.” She answered, picking up a small tube, and sprinkling its contents over my hair—shimmer. “You aren’t having second thoughts are you?” She asked me.
I let out a steady breath as my shoulders sagged. “I don’t know.” I replied truthfully. “Mum, all I do know—is that I don’t truly love him—not as much as—” I stopped in my tracks. Never have I said this out loud—never.
Unfortunately, my mother caught my hesitation. “Is this about James?” At the small mention of his name, I suddenly felt tears prickling in my eyes. Yes—I was in love with James Potter. I have been all my life, and it’s depressing that I finally realized this when James was no longer waiting for a ‘yes’. He had given up on me, and I was to be married in no less than twenty minutes.
— Sixth Year
It was about three in the morning, and I was curled up on one of the arm chairs, staring into the fire. My trance was broken when James emerged from the darkness, strutting down the stairs leading to the boy’s dormitories with a box in his hands. However, I didn’t turn to look at him.
“Here,” He said coldly, shoving the box into my hands.
I immediately looked up to meet his eyes. I saw something I’ve never seen before whenever he looked at me. Anger, sadness, and little bit of hope. “Don’t bother giving it back, I won’t need it.”
“What is it?” I asked curiously.
“Things that remind me of you,” He didn’t give me a chance to say anything else, because he just ran up the stairs and slammed the door of his dormitory shut.
I opened the box, finding several pieces of parchments, small objects and pictures. The only thing that caught my attention was the plain envelope with my name printed on it. It read:
I don’t want any of this. It’ll just remind me of you even more. Sorry for sounding so hostile, but I need it to get over you.
Most of them are doodles, and notes I planned on giving them to you. Some pictures of you and your friends, some of them with us—the Marauders with Jennifer and Kayla.
I’m just tired of running after something I can’t get. It’s stupid to give up, but I bet you’re happy I did. I’m sorry for everything.
I didn’t know I meant that much to him. I felt horrible now. I pushed aside the cover and the letter, looking into the contents. I picked up the first picture I saw. It was with all of us. Sirius was chasing after Jennifer, Remus and Kayla were sitting by the bank of the lake, and James was nagging me endlessly. I remember this day clearly. It was when he gave me a snitch with the engravings L.E. on it.
The next thing I picked up was his transfiguration notes. My name was everywhere. Lily Evans here, Lily Evans there. There were hearts around my names, a snitch that looked like the one he had given me except it said J.P loves L.E.
The rest were poems, and love notes he has written. I placed the box I was holding with the letter and the cover, pushing it off the couch, and breaking down crying. I didn’t know what I was crying for or why, but I needed to get it out of me.
The next day, I saw James with Vivian Lockhart. I felt jealousy raged inside of me, but I ignored it. I guess it was only because I was so used to James liking me. But I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the two couple that were holding hangs walking by the lake. Once in a while Vivian would punch James playfully on the arm, and he’d kiss her forehead. It could’ve been me.
Sirius seemed to have noticed my unusual behavior, as he plopped down beside me under the large oak tree. He followed my gaze, and I swear—there was a slight smirk playing on his lips. “He needs a break, Lils.” Sirius said, his voice tinted with remorse.
“He needs a break Lils,” Sirius said from beside me as he joined me staring at James and Vivian.
“From what?” I asked.
“From you.” He answered.
— Present Day
I guess that was the point where I realized I loved him. He’s still with Vivian right now. They’re going steady, and I think Sirius mentioned something about James asking her to marry him. “Lily? Sweetie?” My mother shook me slightly and I came back down to earth. “Is this about James?” She asked again, pulling a chair and sitting beside me.
“I don’t know what it’s about anymore mum,” I replied honestly. “I’m just confused.”
“It’s normal on everyone’s wedding day.” My mother told me soothingly. “You’re about to take a big step in life.”
“Something that I can’t change that easily.” I added. I’ve heard this line plenty of times before—I grew tired of it.
“You know Lily,” She said standing up and putting both her hands on my shoulder. “I always knew you loved that boy. I don’t know why you didn’t take your chance. But you know,” She lifted her wrist, checking her watch. “There are 20 more minutes till the wedding begins. You have time.”
I didn’t understand what she meant. I had time to run away from the biggest mistake of my life, or had time to sort my head and get on with marrying the guy that is waiting for me at the altar?
I sighed and dropped my flowers on the table. James filled my head, and I hated the effect he had on me. We still saw each other, and each time our eyes meet, I’d see the same thing every time. Sadness, hope, disappointment and love. It was obvious that he didn’t love Vivian—everyone else knew. I remember his face whenever we would have a civilized conversation. I remember how delighted he looked—how his entire face would light up after one simple conversation. The happiness on his face he had when he found out I made head girl, or when I smiled in his direction. I haven’t seen him happy in long time.
It’s my fault.
Four Years after Hogwarts
“I’d like to make an announcement,” My fiancé said into the microphone. His hands were in mine and I was standing up on the stage begging him to sit back down. Apparently he had too much to drink.
“Sean please!” I whispered, loudly enough for him to hear. “Let’s just sit back down.”
“Lily and I are engaged!” he shouted in a drunken voice before I could do anything. The music stopped playing, and the room suddenly became quiet. It was my 21st birthday and I had invited all my friends—including James. My mother and father suddenly stood up after a long silence and shook hands with my fiancé.
However, I stepped away, not wanting to be a part of it. I couldn’t escape. He didn’t give me a chance to answer him before he slipped a ring on my finger. A promise ring—without my approval. I heard a chair move and I lifted my eyes, scanning the crowd until I found James standing up, reassuring his girlfriend that he was fine. He whispered something to Sirius, who was standing in the back with Jennifer, his hands in his pockets. I caught a glimpse of James’ eyes. I thought I saw tears. Jennifer looked at me, shaking her head. She knew how I felt for him. Sirius even saw too. James was just too blind.
— Present Day
“Lily?” Sirius asked quietly, coming in.
“Hey,” I whispered hoarsely, turning my head to look at him. Over the years, I’ve grown a soft spot for Sirius Black. For some strange, unknown reason, he always knew when there was something wrong with me. Sirius was always there to comfort me as well.
“Don’t cry.” I didn’t realize I was crying. “You’ll ruin your wonderful make up.” He wiped the tears of my face and hugged me. “He’s here you know.”
“He is?” I was surprised.
“Yeah, I brought him.”
“W-w-why?” I asked.
“To give you a chance.” Sirius answered simply. “You do know you can walk away from this. All of this.”
“Is he with Vivian?” The name alone was enough to make my blood boil.
“Yeah, she wouldn’t let him come here alone.” Sirius replied. “I can’t believe you got this far.”
“What do you mean?”
“You got this far without James, and he got this far without you. You two surprise me.” Sirius said. “He’s never been happy a day in his life though. I worry about him a lot. Vivian thinks he’s always jumping for joy but I’m guessing she’s never seen him happy.”
“Why are you telling me all this now?” I asked Sirius. He shrugged. “You make it sound like you want me to leave Sean for him at the altar, run away with him, get married and have kids,” Sirius stood and kissed my forehead giving me a hug.
He sighed against my hair. “A little hint of hope doesn’t hurt.” Then he left.
“Lily are you ready? The wedding is about to start.” Jennifer asked coming inside. My eyes scanned my appearance in the mirror for the last time, while I slipped the white gloves on my hand and grabbed my flowers before I sent a fake smile to my best friend. There was no point though, she knew it wasn’t real.
Everyone else was in place and they were all waiting for me. My father met me outside the doors of the church and I linked my arm in his. We slowly strode down the aisle and I saw the smiling face of my soon to be husband. But I felt a strange feeling. Nothing felt right. I didn’t want to do this—but I couldn’t stop my legs from pushing forward. I looked to my left slightly, and I saw James staring right at me, while Vivian was trying to get his attention. I jerked my head forward, and focused on what was happening now.
The church was beautifully decorated. There were white lilies everywhere, and most of them were scattered on the floor before my by the 2 adorable flower girls. White sashes were hung from the windows and decorated the seats. Beautiful music was coming from the church organ from up top.
My father kissed my cheek as we parted and I walked up the stairs and faced the priest. I wasn’t paying attention to him though. The next thing I heard was “Lily Marie Evans, do you take Sean Caleb Carson to be your lawfully wedded husband?” The church was silent. My mouth was opening and closing trying to find the answer Sean was waiting for—yes. Murmurs went through the church as moments went by without an answer.
“Lily?” Sean whispered to me. I looked at the people that attended. My mother was looking at me and nodded as she saw me looking at her. My gaze went to the other side of the church and I saw Sirius smile. I looked at my right, at the line of brides’ mates and I saw the maid of honor, Jennifer was staring hopefully at me.
“I-” Then I saw James stand up, with Vivian trying to pull him down, but he yanked his hand away from her grasp. Sirius understood what he was doing and patted him on the shoulder. He left the church and I turned back to the man in front of me. “I’m sorry,” I apologized, attempting to sound as sincere as I possibly could. “I can’t marry you,” I heard Jennifer, who was by my side whisper “YES” loudly. My mother hand her hands together with a smile on her face. Sirius had an approving look. It looks like everyone didn’t want me to be with him.
I ran from the altar, carrying my dress to keep myself from tripping. I grabbed the veil that was on my head and threw it to the floor which was followed by the flowers. I ripped the gloves from my hand and discarded it as well. The necklace that was hanging from my neck was ripped off and thrown on the floor while I bolted for the exit. The doors of the church burst open as I head the church bells ring. I saw that it was pouring, but I didn’t care. I ran into the rain in my expensive dress and searched for James. “JAMES!” I shouted through the rain. “JAMES!” I ran to the back of the church. “JAMES!” I yelled again. I spotted him hovering over the lake. “POTTER!” I bellowed angrily, my voice mingling with anger.
I smiled, despite myself, when he turned around and saw me. I gripped my dress and lifted it up from the ground so I was able to run. I slowed down when I reached him and slapped him on the face. “God Evans!” he exclaimed angrily, lifting his had to touch his cheek. There was a red mark on it. “What the hell was that for?”
“That, James Potter,” I said. “Was for giving up on me, and dating Vivian!” He had a confused look on his face. I slapped him again making the mark redder. “That was for giving up on me in the first place.” I slapped him again. “For walking out on my birthday party,” There goes another slap. “And my wedding day!” His cheek was entirely red, but once he lifted his head again with anger in his eyes I brought my hands up to clutch both sides of his face, and pressed my lips tightly on his.
He was taken aback for a moment, but it took him time to realize what was happening. I pulled back, and wound my arms around his neck. “That was for helping me realize I was in love with you.” I didn’t let him say another word because I kissed him again. This time, he kissed me back and snaked his arms around my waist. I lifted my hand to touch his cheek, which was a mistake since he broke the kiss and winced in pain.
“Jeeze Evans, you have issues.” I untangled myself from him, giving him an angry look and walked away angrily. That was all he could say after I left my fiancé standing in the altar, ran from the church into the pouring rain ruining my dress, and admitting to him that I loved him?
“But that’s what I love about you,” He called from behind me. I stopped, and smiled—unable to fight the grin that formed on my face—before I turned around and ran into his arms. “It took you 3 years to realize that?” He asked me, breaking away from my lips.
“Actually, I realized it a day after you gave me that box.” I said. We both smiled at each other and shared another kiss.
I felt so perfect in his arms—like we belonged together. I couldn’t believe how I was so stupid not to have done this sooner.
After ten minute of kissing in the pouring rain, we heard several wolf-whistles and shouts. Ending the kiss, I turned my head, but not removing my arms from his neck. We saw Jennifer, Sirius, Kayla, Remus, my parents and Vivian standing there. Vivian had her arms crossed in front of her chest, with a livid expression distorting her beautiful face. She was furious. Mean-while, Sirius and Remus were whistling loudly, and Jennifer and Kayla were screaming out “FINALLY!” whilst they clapped their hands together.
We turned back to each other at the same time, and we smiled. There was that smile on his face that I loved so much. “I love you Lily,”
I laughed and said, “I can finally say this. I love you James Potter,”
And I kissed him.
He smiled against my lips.
Everything was right again.
Authors Note: hey guys! i edited this. it's not perfect. i didn't re-write the entire chapter, so it's rather choppyish. but i did fix most of the mistakes. i may have missed them though.