Chapter 12 : Losing Lily
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Forcefully he pushed Lily away from himself.
“That was a mistake.” James said, his voice soft yet harsh.
“Jam-“ Lily started but was however cut off.
“It was a mistake.” James said more effectively.
He couldn’t look her in the eye. The emotions were all too confusing, and then to add to that, the power surge was simply awe striking. But it caused fear for James. These weren’t the emotions he was meant to feel, being with Lily wasn’t meant to make him feel powerful. They were too close, like siblings. He couldn’t throw that away. He knew himself well; he’d only break her heart. Then he would lose her friendship, it wasn’t worth it.
What James feared the most was a single emotion he deciphered between the mass of emotions. The one that affected him the most was love. At sixteen James felt he was too young to know love, but he had felt it. And that scared him.
He looked at Lily; she had got up and moved to the far side of the common room. A shadowed corner. Engulfed in the darkness. The dim orange glow from the dying fire reflected off of a steady flow of tears falling from her emerald eyes. She would not look at him although he knew she was aware he was looking at her.
And in that moment a single thought ran through his mind.
‘What have I done?’
He got up and walked towards the stone steps leading to the boy’s dormitories, as he reached the steps he turned to the red head.
“I’m sorry.” His voice was barely a whisper but she had heard it.
As he lay down that night he felt empty, and knew that this was due to losing Lily.
Days went by and James had not the courage to look Lily in the eye. Sirius and Remus were getting increasingly worried.
Lily had totally withdrawn herself from the Marauders, and everyone else for that matter.
You see she too had felt all the emotions. She had felt the love. And was rejected, she felt broken. Unwanted.
She was sitting alone in the library writing up an essay for Slughorn during lunch when someone sat down next to her.
“Lily. Everyone’s really worried about you.” Lily turned to see Sirius sitting next to her.
“I’m fine.” Lily said coldly.
“I guess fine means you’re not fine.” Sirius tried to joke, it failed.
“Sirius, really I’m ok.” Lily said, this time her voice cracked however. A lone tear fell from her eyes, and in a single motion she had her head on Sirius’ shoulder sobbing her heart out. Madame Prince, the new Librarian, came over to see what the noise was about, but did not have the heart to throw the two teenagers out of the Library.
There was very little that Sirius could make out through the sobbing but he managed to hear some things.
“He-he s-said it-it was a-a-a mistake…Rejected…Hurts…James…Never again…Lost friendship…Potters.” At this point Sirius pulled Lily away at arms length so he could look at her.
“Lily calm down. “ He said and soon the redhead was only sniffling, her eyes red and puffy. “I can’t really understand what you’re saying.” Sirius said softly. Just as he did James had to come wandering into the Library. Sirius looked at him, silently begging for him to leave, but it was to no luck. James turned around and caught Lily’s eye, they stared at each other for a full minute before James made his way towards them swiftly, and before Sirius could really register what was happening Lily was in James lap her head on his shoulder and crying again, James was making soothing noises. Sirius got up and quietly made his way out of the library.
The rest of the day neither was seen in any of their classes. Sirius however covered for them.
“Where have they been?” Remus asked Sirius in Transfiguration.
“Well I don’t actually know. But I think they are with each other.” Sirius answered.
Alice who was sitting in front of the boys turned around as she had over heard them talking.
“Lily’s alright? Right?” She asked carefully.
“Yeah Lilykins is fine.” Sirius said with a wave of his hand.
Alice nodded and turned back to McGonagall.
Once classes had finished Remus, Sirius and Peter walked wordlessly up to the common room, Alice and Frank at their heels.
They walked through the portrait hole and looked to the sofa where Lily and James were sat talking and laughing and generally acting the way they had in the summer. Nearly anyone who didn’t know the pair would assume that they were siblings. Of course there was next to no one who didn’t know the two so most people assumed they had gotten over what was upsetting them.
“Hey guys!” Alice said in a sing-song voice.
“Hey Al.” Lily replied beaming. “You seen any of the other girls?”
“Erm yeah. I was just going up to see Marlene, you wanna come?” Alice said, though as she said Marlene’s name a sad smile graced her pale face. Marlene was still mourning the death of her little sister.
Lily nodded and jumped up and went with Alice up to the girl’s dorm.
There they found Marlene flicking through a photo album.
“Hey Marls.” Lily said smiling at the seventeen year old in front of her.
“Hey Lily, how have you been, we haven’t talked in ages.” Marlene said smiling brightly.
“Great, well I am now.” Lily replied grinning.
“I heard something happened between you and James.” Marlene stated. Lily laughed.
“Yeah Lily! There’s a rumour that he threw you down and did you in the teachers lounge.” Alice exclaimed. Lily went pink but shook her head no.
“Well that’s a shame you and James would make a great couple!” Marlene insisted.
Lily remained silent. Of course her and James wouldn’t make a great couple. They had sat down and talked and agreed that friends was best. He had admitted to not trusting himself with her heart and she had admitted herself that it would be awful for everyone if they broke up.
“How are you Marls?” Alice asked quietly.
“I’m better.” Marlene answered a small, sad smile gracing her pretty face.
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