Chapter 3 : Parody/Really Lame One-Shot Number Three
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Author's Note: Hey. I've come up with another inspiring parody. It really inspired me, changing my life completely with:
-James knowing way too much about girl's clothes
-Lily being ugly and fat and just completely changing overnight for the Christmas ball.
-Five paragraph descriptions of Lily in her new transformation at the Christmas ball!
-Lily bursting into tears every five minutes
-And dun, dun, dun... the evil, jealous, stalker girlfriend.
Oh, and also, I'm going to have to add something to the lists of precautions in the first parody.
-A gas mask to cover your nose from the deadly cheesy-moments gas that floats around. It is very, very deadly. Please take caution.
"You're so fat, Lily. And ugly. A pile of dung looks better than you." Hottie Hot James said. He even pointed and did that "ha-ha" laugh.
Lily promptly burst into tears and ran out of the Great Hall.
Of course, the Marauders didn't really have any human emotions and were really cruel. They tripped Lily. She ran out after getting up.
"Ha, ha, that was so funny." Tag-Along and Not Hottie Hot Peter laughed.
Hottie Hot Sirius rolled his eyes at Tag-Along and Not Hottie Hot Peter.
Hottie Hot James smirked and turned around in his seat, continuing lunch as usual. He smirked at a few girls and they just literally fainted. He was so dreamy... Their boyfriends glared at Hottie Hot James (but couldn't help but see how dreamy Hottie Hot James was too and became slightly weak at the knees) and carried their girlfriends to the Hospital Wing.
All of a sudden, Jess (Jealous Evil Stupid Stalker) popped up out of no where and sat herself down on Hottie Hot James' lap. "Hi, James." She said seductively.
Hottie Hot James gave a Hottie Hot smile. "Hey." He didn't know her name.
"You're early this morning. You usually come to breakfast at 8:23, not 8:30. I've been waiting for you for so long."
Wise, Yet Also Hot Remus rolled his eyes. He saw right past Jess. "Wow, you've been waiting for James for seven minutes. It's amazing." Oh, how he had such wonderful sarcastic remarks. He was still a cruel, emotion-lacking person though. Yeah. You know those Marauders...
"I know!" Jess exclaimed. "I wanted to wait until you had sat down at the table before coming over- that usually takes you two minutes and thirty-six seconds- but then that stupid Evans girl came about. I hate her. She's so hideous."
Hottie Hot James and Jess started their usual morning snogging session (they had a lunch snogging session, mid-afternoon snogging session, evening snogging session, and a midnight snogging session. They would have had a 3 AM snogging session, but that cut into Jess's ever so precious Watching Hottie Hot James Sleep In His Dormitory time).
Hottie Hot Sirius comment about throwing up his breakfast at the sight, Tag-Along and Not Hottie Hot Peter was too busy to notice since he was stuffing his face, and Wise, Yet Also Hot Remus, being Wise, Yet Also Hot Remus, was reading.
"Hi, Lily." said Roconi (Random Original Character Of No Importance)
Lily only sobbed harder. She hated those Marauders. She hated them, and everyone else! She hated herself too! She hated everything times infinity!
She used to be popular, but her parents were murdered by Voldemort He was out to kill Lily and everyone she loved because she was muggleborn and because she was also a seer, animagus (a doe (female deer)), had super powers (could turn invisible, shoot out fire and water, do wandless magic, go back in time without a time turner, fly without a broom, and heal wounds just with her touch), an element (fire), and part of a prophecy about having a very powerful love with a stag and how it could destroy Voldemort.
Lily had become very depressed after her parents died, thinking it was her fault they died. Her sister Petunia said she hated her and it was Lily's fault their parents had died, making Lily burst into tears (Lily bursts into tears a lot).
Anyways, she became very isolated and buried her head in schoolwork. She was promptly forgot about by her friends and everyone else in school after three days, even though she was one of the nicest, prettiest girls in school.
She ate a lot more to get rid of the pain in her heart and didn't care anymore about what she looked like, wearing baggy clothes (that were really ugly), and never combing her hair, leaving it down all the time. She became very fat and chubby.
Roconi smiled a small smile. She was pretty popular, but kind at heart, unlike the other popular girls who teased Lily constantly. "I know we never talk, but I was wondering if I could give you a makeover and turn you into someone beautiful for the Christmas ball tonight?"
Lily sniffled. She argued with Roconi for a while, saying she didn't want to be trifled with and leave her alone. But, she eventually gave in and Roconi gave her a makeover.
Lily burst into tears after seeing the results of her makeover in the mirror. She was beautiful, just like that! After all, it not like what's on the inside counts or anything. Yes, Hogwarts students are very shallow. In a good way, of course.
Hottie Hot James was chatting (snogging) with Jess at the Christmas ball when he opened his eyes for a second. He saw the most beautiful girl he had ever seen in his entire life. He was in love. Already. Yes, wow.
Hottie Hot James pulled away from Jess who pouted one of those annoying pouts. He waved bye to her and walked over to his dream girl.
"Hey." He said in his most Hottie Hot-ish way. He passed her a smile. Hottie James didn't even recognize the girl as Lily. Wow. He must really be oblivious. No... he was just utterly in love with her to realize who it was.
The girl didn't smile back. "Hi."
"What might your name be."
"LILY? OH MY FREAKING GOD! IT'S LILY EVANS!" James cooled down. He looked her over.
She was wearing a long, emerald green floor length dress. It wasn't puffy, but silky and showed every curve of Lily's body (of course). The dress did good for Lily's figure since Roconi did a charm that magically melted away all of Lily's extra fat and now she had the perfect hour glass figure.
Anyways, Hottie Hot James noticed that the dress had tiny, glittery sequins all over it, except for at certain areas where there were black sequins that made the shape of a lily (of course). The hem of the dress had little beads dangling off the edge. They tinkled with Lily's every movement.
The neckline of Lily's dress was V shaped, and showed a modest amount of cleavage, but not too much. The sleeves were long and went out past Lily's finger tips. The entire dress was flow-y and soft.
Lily's red hair was curled in medium size curls and left down. He noticed the green glitter in it and a small hair ornament, a lily (of course) on the side of her head. She had a green necklace with green jewels glittering.
Lily also had make-up on, which she hadn't put on since her parents deaths. Hottie Hot James noticed she had Witchly Witch mascara on, and Glamour Witch eyeshadow on (it was a light shade of green, he also noticed), and Glamour Witch lip gloss on as well (Glamour witch made a lot of different make-up products).
Hottie Hot James noticed Lily's fingernails had magical manicures too. They were dark green with little tiny lilies (of course) on them. There were little diamonds next to the lilies.
Hottie Hot James finally noticed Lily's shoes. They were green (of course) high heels, making Lily a bit taller than usual. Her toes were also green with little lilies (of course).
"Who's the hot girl?" Hottie Hot Sirius asked, magically popping up next to the two.
"Really? OH MY FREAKING GOD! IT'S LILY EVANS! SHE'S NOT UGLY ANYMORE! SHE'S HOT! I'M GETTING SO TURNED ON RIGHT NOW!"
"Yeah." Hottie Hot James said with love struck eyes.
Lily turned and walked off (looking about ready to burst into tears again). Hottie Hot James followed her like a lost puppy. "Want to dance?"
"Because I have a dark, dark secret and I don't want to get close to people because it hurts too much."
"Oh." Hottie Hot James paused for a second or two before dreamily sighing at Lily. He was so taken with her. Now that she beautiful and all. He didn't care about her when she was ugly though. Oh that Hottie Hot James Potter, so shallowing and wonderful...not to mention dreamy.
"Do you want to dance now?" Hottie Hot James asked.
Lily burst into tears. "NO! I HAVE A SECRET AND I DON'T LIKE GETTING CLOSE TO PEOPLE BECAUSE MY PARENTS WERE MURDERED!"
"I know. It's okay." He patted her on the back. Lily started feeling better.
"Do you want to dance now?" Hottie Hot James asked once more.
Lily sniffled before nodding. Maybe Hottie Hot James wasn't as bad as Lily thought. And it only took her thirty seconds to realize that too. Wow. Record time.
Hottie Hot James felt like he was floating on clouds with Lily. They were the only two people on the dancing floor as far as he was concerned.
Lily's feelings were similiar. She was utterly in love with Hottie Hot James. Hottie Hot James had opened her up. He had tore down her walls. He had opened her heart. She didn't care about Voldemort anymore.
All in ten minutes. Hottie Hot James worked fast, you know.
As they cherished the feeling of each others touch, Jess came up and grabbed Lily by the hair and tackling her to the floor.
"YOU LITTLE MORON! YOU STOLE MY BOYFRIEND/STALK-EE/OBSESSION/FUTURE HUSBAND! I HATE YOU AND I'M GOING TO KILL YOU NOW!" She kicked Lily, who had burst into tears long ago.
Hottie Hot James raced to pick Jess up off of Lily and held her back. Hottie Hot Sirius took her off his hands and dragged her away. She was sobbing and trying to run back to Hottie Hot James. "I LOVE YOU, JAMES! I WANT TO HAVE YOUR BABIES! I LLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEE YOU! I LOVE YOUR SEXY HAIR AND GLASSES! I LOVE YOUR WONDERFUL KNOWLEDGE OF MAKE UP AND BEAUTY PRODUCTS! I LOVE WATCHING YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT! I LOVE IT WHEN YOU BLIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNKKKK! I LOVE STALKING YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LET ME HAVE YOUR BABIES! PPPPPPLLLLLLLEEEEEAAAAASSSSEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Hottie Hot James ignored her and pulled Lily close to him, who was still bawling and crying.
"It's okay, Lily. She's gone and I won't let anything hurt you again." He said in a that deep, manly, husky voice of his.
Lily sniffled. "James, I have to tell you something."
Hottie Hot James nodded in an understanding way because Lily's love had given him human emotions.
"I'm a seer, animagus, have super powers, am an element, and I'm also part of a prophecy about having a very powerful love with a stag and how it could destroy Voldemort." She burst into fresh tears and buried her head into James' shoulder.
Hottie Hot James looked shocked, but rubbed her back in a soothing way. "It's okay, Lily. I understand. It's okay if you're a seer, animagus, have super powers, are an element, and are part of a prophecy about having a very powerful love with a stag and how it could destroy Voldemort. It's okay. I understand because I love you. I've loved you since I first saw you tonight, all beautiful and hot. I'll take care of you from now on, Lily. I won't let anyone hurt you."
Lily sniffled, "I love you too!"
...And so, the two had finally found their soul mates at the magical Christmas ball. They married, had a son named Harry, and lived happily ever after.
Until they died.
Author's Note: I think that one covered quite a few cliches in this parody, yeah? LoL.
Just Another Harry Potter Fan
P.S. To any Jess' out there, please don't take offense to the Jess (Jealous Evil Stupid Stalker) in this story. The Jess in this story is... er, unique and one of a kind... and wants to have James Potter's babies.