Voldemort turned slowly to see two identical redheaded men in bright green dragon hide jackets, being led into his private chambers. He stared hard at them but they did not react in any way towards his presence. They simply moved forward to where the Death Eaters placed them, in the center of the musty room.
“Thanks mate.” One of the twins said, turning towards the Death Eater who brought him in.
The Death Eater froze in place and gaped at Weasley, his mouth dropping open. On of the twins deftly moved to push something in to his servant’s mouth. Voldemort raised his wand to kill the culprit but the masked Death Eater threw back his hood and Draco Malfoy was revealed. His eyes were glazed over but a smile spread over his face while his mouth open and…
“Meet me in St. Louis, Louis, Meet me at the fair, Don't tell me the lights are shining any place but there;”
Voldemort felt his own jaw drop and instantly there was a strawberry flavored chew in his mouth. He attempted to spit it out but it was too late. He felt a prickling sensation on his normally bald head. Voldemort’s hand flew up and felt thick hair sprouting out of his skin.
“We will dance the Hoochee Koochee, I will be your tootsie wootsie;” Draco continued to croon.
Voldemort was seething as he faced the two young men in front of him. “What have you done to me?”
Both gave him an identical smirk. The one on the right answered him. “It’s called Piggly Wiggly.”
Voldemort saw red. These two idiots had cursed him and made him look like a fool.
“If you will meet in St. Louis, Louis, Meet me at the fair.”
“Silencio!” Voldemort shot the spell at Draco. He stumbled but otherwise went on.
“Meet me in St. Louis, Louis, Meet me at the fairDon’t tell me the lights are shining any place but there; we’ll kootchie, kootchie, kootchie, we’ll be a tootsie-wootsie…”
“MAKE HIM STOP!” Voldemort bellowed at the twins.
The twin on the left shook his head. “The best part is coming up.” His voice sounded comforting and reassuring and Voldemort seethed inwardly that they were making a mockery of him. He couldn’t kill them yet though, he needed information.
“If you will meet me in St. Louis, Louis, Meet me in the fair.” He finished in a long, high note, his arms thrown up into the air. Then Draco went on. “La La La La La La La La La, La La La La La La,” he began to prance around the room, flapping his arms about like a bird. “Louis; Ta Ta Ta Ta, Ta Ta Ta Ta, La La La, La La La La La, Any place but there, La La La La, La La La, I will be your tootsie-wootsie; If you will meet me in St. Louis, Louis; Meet me at the fair!” He finished the song and took a deep bow before the other Death Eater who had led the twins in, his him on the back of his blond head and Draco crumpled to the floor in a heap.
Voldemort nodded at the Death Eater. He turned to the twins. “I want to know about the prophecy.”
They shook their heads together, causing Voldemort to flinch and hope fervently that was all a horrendous dream. “I want to hear the prophecy.” He leveled his wand at the throat of the twin on the right, whose hands were casually stuffed in the pockets of his jacket. He met the eyes of the twin on the left. “I only need one of you. I can easily dispose of your brother.”
The brother he was looking at raised an eyebrow. “We don’t know anything about a prophecy.”
The Death Eater moved forward to grab the twin when he spun and shoved another chew into his mouth. Instantly the Death Eater began a complicated tap dance, while singing.
“The moment I saw him smile, I knew he was just my style, my only regret, is we’ve never met though I dream of him all the while.” He kept shuffling his feet to the slower ballad.
The twin’s head cocked to the side. “This one doesn’t sing nearly as well as Malferret over there.” He indicated the prostrate blond on the floor.
“But he doesn’t know I exist no matter how I may persist, so it’s clear to see there’s no hope for me though I live at 5135 Kensington Avenue and he lives at 5133.”
“This is ridiculous!” Voldemort yelled. “Stop him.” He lowered his voice and hissed at he spoke.
“Fine.” Twin A replied. “You have no sense of humor but as this bloke can’t sing, I don’t really want to listen to him any more.” He turned to the tap dancing man who was still singing. “Oy! The fat lady’s sung.”
Instantly the man fell silent and shook his head as if coming out of a fog. “My Lord,” his voice was hoarse. “You have something on your… your head.”
Voldemort’s hand flew up to the top of his head and felt the bushy hair that was still on top of his head. After attempting several spells to remove it he turned to glare at the twins, who were clearly amused by this. “How do I get it off?”
“You have to say the correct words and it will fall off.” Twin B informed him.
Twin A nodded. “Yeah, you say the right words and it will come straight off. If you don’t say the words correctly-”
“-and with feeling.” The other interjected.
“Yes, with feeling, thank you my dear twin. If you say it with feeling then the wig will come off.”
Voldemort raised his wand to them again. “Tell me the words now.”
“It’s quite simple.”
Twin A nodded. “Very simple. We got it from a Muggle nursery tale.”
“The story of the Three Little Pigs.” Twin B commented. “You say “I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow my cheap wig off” and it will come straight off.”
“Don’t forget to say ‘cheap’ though because otherwise it won’t work.” Twin A informed him seriously.”
Voldemort stared hard at these two. We’ve gotten off topic, he thought savagely. “I want to hear about the prophecy. You two are close to Potter, surely he’ll have told you about it.”
“I told you,” one of them replied. “We don’t know anything about no prophecy.”
The second twin nodded before scowling slightly. “Even if we did know we wouldn’t tell you.”
“Nope.” The first agreed. “We are working hard to ensure that you go down.” He finished this sentence with such malice in his voice that Voldemort felt as though the temperature in the room had dropped several degrees. Voldemort shivered almost imperceptibly.
“Then you are of no use to me.” He pointed his wand and one twin to deliver the killing curse, opened his mouth and instantly an orange flavored chew was thrown underhand into his mouth by the other twin.
Instantly Voldemort felt his mouth begin to foam with a taste that was undeniably… soap. He opened his mouth to shout but bubbles began to pour forth from his mouth, dribbling down his chin and onto his robes. He tried to speak again but ended up choking on the suds that were in his mouth. He looked over at his Death Eater for help but the man appeared to have been knocked unconscious like Malfoy.
Voldemort rounded on the twins and saw that they were observing him closely and taking notes with parchment and quill.
“We will have to work on the gag reflex. It won’t do to have the paying customers eating the soap suds.” One of the twins commented.
The other nodded sagely and scribbled more on his parchment. He pulled a knut from his pocket and flicked it at Voldemort’s feet. “There you are, payment for being our test subject on the Cleaning Chew.”
“That name needs some work as well.” His brother said. “Cleaning Chew is all right for the test subject but the customers will want some humor to go along with it.”
“I like Cleaning Chew for a name.” The first said, clearly perturbed with his twin.
Voldemort tuned them out and pointed his wand towards his mouth. He concentrated on the bubbles but before he could get the spell out, his wand had transformed in to a rubber chicken. Voldemort stared down in horror at what had once been his wand.
“Nice one George.” One of the twins slapped the other on the back. “I didn’t even see you slip it into his robes.”
George grinned. “Thank you Fred.” He moved forward and shoved another sweet into Voldemort’s foaming mouth. “U-Do-Poo… should kick in soon. Now, I think we have overstayed our welcome, let’s be off shall we?”
“Let’s.” His brother agreed jovially. They each stuck a hand into their pockets and disappeared.
Voldemort was beyond incensed. He had been made a fool of and worse still he had not learned anything about the prophecy. Today was not going any better than his previous interview with that psychotic blonde. He dug about in his robes until he located his real wand and halted the suds from spilling out of his mouth.
He ran a quivering hand over his face, wiping away the foam and attempted to calm himself from the ire that was threatening to engulf him.
“WORMTAIL!” He shouted so loudly that his own head reverberated along with the echoes off of the stonewalls and slowly a pounding began to build in his temple.
The rat like man scurried in to the room and fell to his knees. “Yes my Lord?”
“Crucio!” He unleashed all of his anger onto the man and Wormtail shrieked and squealed in agony as he writhed on the floor. The noise was enough to wake up Malfoy and Voldemort switched his attention to the young man.
“You failed me Draco and I do not tolerate failure!” He leveled his wand down towards the cowering twit and again used the unforgivable curse. “Crucio!” Draco squealed and hit his head hard upon the floor; blood began to gush from a cut along his brow.
The door, which had been repaired earlier that day, swung open to reveal Snape looking upon the scene with disgust. He bowed low and stood to smirk at Voldemort.
Voldemort lifted the curse from Draco. “What do you want Severus?”
“My Lord, I want simply to inform you that the capture of the Weasley twins was my idea.” His sneering voice could be heard and Voldemort nearly stepped back at the malevolence that he could feel. I am losing control of them, he thought grumpily.
“So you are to blame for this bungle Severus?” Voldemort asked, almost cautiously. It would not do to piss off the person who managed to kill Dumbledore.
“Yes my Lord, I am afraid that I am.” He took another step into the room. "I thought that the twins might be able to give us information on their security products, as well as the information that I could not provide on the prophecy. I am sorry to say that I did not search them myself when they were brought in. It is a mistake that shall not happen again, of course.”
Voldemort hesitated. Death Eater etiquette demanded that Snape be tortured for an indiscriminate length of time until he had realized fully the error of his ways but- Voldemort’s line of thinking ended abruptly as he felt a stirring low in his bowels. He needed the loo and fast.
Voldemort emerged from the loo shaking and cursing the twin devils that Malfoy had brought for him to interrogate. U-Do-Poo indeed. Voldemort halted in front of Snape who was waiting patiently for him when he felt another tell tale grumble in his belly. He turned and made a mad dash for the loo.
On his third attempt at emerging from the loo, he finally managed to speak. “I want the youngest Weasley, the girl, here within a week.” Voldemort paused and took a deep breath, hoping that his stomach would not protest too badly.
“Ginevra Weasley?” Snape asked with a slight raise of his brow. “Of course my Lord. I shall see to it personally.”
“Good.” Voldemort was not sure he could say much more.
Snape looked up at the top of his head. “Would you like me to rid you of the hair my Lord?”
Voldemort nearly blushed. He had completely forgotten about the curls that sat atop his head. “NO!” He barked and pointed towards the three fallen Death Eaters. “Take them from my sight and leave me be.”
Snape bowed low again. “Of course my Lord.” He flicked his wand at the fallen men and they rose to follow him out the door.
When the door had closed Voldemort shut his eyes tight and spoke the incantation aloud. “I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow my cheap wig off.” Instantly the hair fell in a clump the floor making a soft whish as it landed.
A/N: Thanks again for all the help and support through reviews!!
Thanks to AllyLovesHarry for the Cleaning Chew and fake wand!!!
Musical Lyrics from the “Musical Meet Me In St. Louis”
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