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103 Ways To Annoy Voldemort. by claireabella
Chapter 1 : test me, darling test me!
Rating: 12+Chapter Reviews: 22

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“Are you sure about this?” Avery asked Goyle before taking a long swig from the flask Avery was holding out to him.

Avery giggled and nodded before giving the flask to Crabbe who also took a long swig.

Rookwood frowned before taking the flask off Crabbe, “So are you sure this will make us stronger both mentally and physically?” Goyle nodded eagerly and did a little jig on the spot.


“Voldemort good chap, how is our most scariest dark…thingy today?” Avery asked as he walked up to a stony faced Voldemort and cuddled him tightly.

Voldemort looked slightly abashed and shook his head. This was weird. No one hugs Lord Voldemort, he should be feared.

Voldemort began to ramble on about ways to kill Harry Potter when Lucius so avidly mentioned that Voldemort was 'The-man-who-let-the-boy-live'.

Voldemort shook his head, he couldn’t understand why his followers, who normally worshipped the ground he tread on, were acting so strangely. Perhaps they were going a bit funny at the head or, perhaps it was that weird potion that made people act like morons for 48 hours?

“Why are my followers DARING to answer back to me?” Lord Voldemort spat out furiously.

“It was a potion,” Goyle answered happily.

Voldemort swallowed for a minute then began asking in a delicate and silky voice, “And who gave you this potion?”

“Lucius did it” Crabbe replied happily, almost psychotically. Lucius looked around suddenly and shook his head

“Lucius what have these idiots taken?”

Lucius giggled before replying

“It’s a potion that was meant to make your most avid followers stronger and more powerful. Goyle, being the moron he is, added powdered unicorn blood. So for some odd reason it made them go a bit funny in the…HEAD” Lucuis laughed and jumped out , then suddenly kissed Voldemort firmly on the lips before collapsing on the ground giggling.

Voldemort groaned, he knew he would have to put up with his followers until the potion wore off. As easy as it was to simply put them all in a sleep or to stupefy them, it simply makes the potion lengthen. For once in his life he would have to let the potion take its full course.

Goyle ran up to Voldemort chuckling and was clutching a box of what looked like plastic containers “Sir, SIR! The tupperwear lady is coming this morning AND we’re having a party IN your honor!”

Goyle laid the plastic boxes out on the table and Voldemort groaned, this indeed would be an extremely long day.

Voldemort sunk into his throne like, black velvet covered, chair and placed his head in his hands and sighed. When he looked up Lucuis was standing over him, a love struck expression on his face

“Mista Vol-DE-more, have you ever had a girlfriend?” Lucuis asked happily.

Voldemort raised an eyebrow and breathed out deeply.

“No” Voldemort answered finally his teeth gritted.

Lucuis smiled before adding as an afterthought.

“Have you always wanted to be evil, and are you planning on being evil for ever? Because if not, I know this great yoga and meditation class which might actually challenge your evil….ness…”

Voldemort stared straight ahead at the marble pillar and breathed in deeply, before turning and walking away. He decided skive off into the portrait room, hoping for some ‘alone time’

When he entered the room Mcnair was sitting cross-legged on the ground eating cookie dough ice cream,

“Mista Dark-ie lord, wanna play twister?”

Voldemort’s eye creased.


Mcnair smiled and nodded, and with an after thought added a girlish giggle.

“It’s a game, how about this, if you win, I’ll go back to silently eating my cookie dough ice cream and you won’t hear a peep out of me!”

Voldemort considered this and then sulkily nodded.


Mcnair giggled triumphantly, he had won the game as Voldemort slipped trying to put his right arm on blue!

“You know Tommy-boy 45, you looked better under the turban, the whole no hair and shiny scalp really puts me off….”

Voldemort turned and looked into the gold frame examining his scalp

Voldemort replied sulkily “It’s kind of difficult to wear a turbine under a hood, the hood makes it fall off.”

Mcnair giggled, just as Goyle lumbered into the room.

Voldemort moaned. Great, just great! Idiot number 4 had just entered the room.

“Mista Voldemort, How I love you sooooo, you make me feel so light, it makes me want to take flight, Mista Voldemort, you don’t resemble a wart”

Goyle sang dreamily from a thick bound book “Voldemort I love you, and to show my compassion for you, I wrote you this book full of sonnets displaying my love”

Voldemort cheeks flushed a pale crimson color, this was definitely getting a bit spooky now.


“Dark lord, Mary’s on line three!” Bellatrix yelled loudly from down the hall

“Mary, who’s Mary?” Voldemort yelled back, total bewilderment taking hold.

“Mary from little league, she’s calling to tell you what time your games at!” Bellatrix screamed.

“I don’t play little league” Voldemort cried angrily

“Well it says here you have been signed up under the name of Mista Voldemort. Aka Tommy Boy” Bellatrix screamed.

“THOSE IMBOCILES” Voldemort screamed angrily.


Voldemort entered the meeting hall and was astounded to find all the death eaters standing their. He was pleasantly surprised that they we’re acting ‘normal’.

“Faithful death eaters, I am going to generously ignore your lapse of self dignity, and I shall not punish you for your stupidity!”

Lucius and Crabbe laughed loudly, soon Mcnair joined in, giggling in a high pitched girlish voice.

Voldemort ignored this, he was furious though.

“Today I wish to talk to you about Dumbledore, he must die. He covers and protects Potter to much, we must kill him. We need to get access of Harry Potter”

Lucuis sighed sadly before replying, “ Why are you afraid of a frail old man with a beard the size of a beehive and can't fight babies?”

Voldemort’s eyes widened

“Shut up Lucius or else these words might be the last you ever hear” Voldemort hissed angrily.

Crabbe giggled before mimicking Voldemort “Shut up Lucius”

As he said this his arms went in wide circles and then faced his palm flat towards Lucius.

Lucius frowned before replying, “Oh my god, did you just tell me to shut up?”

Crabbe giggled and nodded.

Lucuis shook his head angrily “Talk to the hand because the face isn’t listening!”

Bellatrix took the moment of silence to speak up “ Tom, did you know Wormtail has a crush on you?”

Wormtail’s eyes widened and she blushed furious “I do not”

“Do to” Mcnair giggled.

Wormtail grumbled something before walking out of the room furiously.

Voldemort’s eyes widened at this information. Before he sank into his throne.

“Mcnair let me remind you that I will spit on your grave when you die” Voldemort hissed angrily.

Lucius frowned before giggling “Well technically you’re not even alive”

Mcnair giggled in an even higher pitch before adding “Yeah, ha-ha I outlived you…”

Voldemort had had enough of this stupid conversation and decided to go ahead with the meeting .

“I think Dumbledore should die” Voldemort shouted.

Goyle shouted happily “Why don’t we sacrifice Draco Malfoy to the cause”

Voldemort nodded sincerely.

Lucius screamed angrily “How can you possibly wish to harm a single hair on the head of 'that sweet, innocent, cute little boy?’

Voldemort shrugged before turning back to address the rest of the Death eaters.

“Tom, we found out from a close resource that today’s your birthday. So, as your first present, we pooled in some galleons and bought you this,” Bellatrix sighed happily, as she presented Voldemort with a pink gift bag decoration with pale, pink ribbons.

Lucius nodded happily “It’s a stress ball, but that’s not your first present! We are going to throw you a birthday party, and after we had a vote, we decided it will be a Care Bear Birthday Party”

Voldemort gulped and looked down at his feet.


Well that’s the first chapter of this short story J

This is written in accordance to Dansgrrl Voldy comedy.

Special thanks to Zoe for beta=ing

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