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If You Take Time to Look by QuidditchSeeker
Chapter 5 : Fears
Rating: 15+Chapter Reviews: 7

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An alarm rang in the small room where Draco lay awake on his bed with his arms beneath his head. Despite no longer having to sleep on the dirty mattress in the dungeon, Draco could never have a full night of sleep. It was as if the only place that could give him the comfort of a truly warm bed was Hogwarts; and if he went through with what he had to...he wouldn't get a chance to return.

But he wouldn't think about that – not now. This was Draco's newest secret, one that by the end of the year would be known to the whole Wizarding world. Maybe one day the mudbloods would hear of it too, when the Dark Lord took over.

He sighed and sat up on the bed, noticing that it was only five in the morning – he had six hours until he would be on the train to Hogwarts. Probably the last time he would ever ride it.

Once more Draco picked up his Hogwarts letter to check that he had all of his school items and had not forgot anything. He wondered to himself as to how he was going to get to the train station – but he would deal with that later. For the moment, all that mattered was getting a nice warm shower.

He grabbed a pair of plain black robes and made his way to the communal bathroom across the hall from his room. Stepping behind the shower curtain he completely stripped down and proceeded to turn on the water. Moments passed as Draco stood lifelessly, not bothering to wash his body or his hair...just thinking.

It seemed like forever until he heard someone banging on the wall outside the curtains, "Oi! Get your fat arse out of there!"

In a strangled voice he replied, "Just a moment," and quickly hurried to clean himself. Grabbing a towel he draped it over his hips and threw his robe on not bothering to close it as he stepped out, his wet hair in his face. "There you go."

There was silence for a moment until Draco heard the boy say, "Oi! Fred look at this – it's the Malfoy brat."

"Interesting place for him to be, don't you say George? I rather thought he'd be at his Manor with mummy...but maybe now that daddy's gone he doesn't want to be there?"

Draco stood there without saying anything, because for once in his life he didn't feel up for the fight. He felt no need to hold up his mask and sneer at the two boys while boasting about a life he didn't have. As he stood there listening the two continued on.

"So," Fred – or maybe it was George – said. "What should we do with him? We've got him in a towel, a few hours before he's off to Hogwarts, he's not allowed to use magic – we are, by the way Malfoy – and it's two against one. Simply smashing morning, isn't it?"

The other twin grinned, "Oh yes. I believe today has started off exactly the way any prankster could dream of."

With a sharp intake of breath, Draco stood straighter and faced them with a sort of Gryffindor bravery as he said, "Do what you wish, but make it quick."

He watched as both of the boys eyebrows shot up and they're jaws slightly fell until finally they stood aside, "Go on your way, Draco. We've got to save our merchandise for selling, not for using."

"Sad as it may make us," the other muttered.

Draco stared at the two boys with a blank expression, not allowing the shock to spread to any of his features. For a moment he wanted to question their reasoning, but he knew it already. There was a reason as to why they had been in Gryffindor and not Slytherin – despite how ambitious and cunning they are.

He nodded his head slowly and strode out of the bathroom, not bothering to look back. For a moment he wanted to turn and face them, to be different from his mother and father and every other Death Eater or Slytherin he had ever met. He wanted to actually look back before he left a room and find someone smiling back at him – but that would never happen. So he kept facing forward and left as though he didn't care what he was putting behind him.

He was never supposed to care.

Three hours later he was on a train that the muggle's had put under ground – it was quite a strange idea but it seemed to work well. He was sitting on the dirty seat watching the people get on and off the train, waiting to arrive at King's Cross station – which was in five stops.

A girl plopped down next to him and let out a big sigh. Draco, who was not used to muggle trains, was intrigued by how this girl would sit next to a perfect stranger. At the same time, however, he was completely disgusted.

"Would you move?" he rudely demanded.

The girl, who had blonde hair in pigtails and red eyes from crying turned towards him and sneered, "No I will not move. If you're so bothered, you move."

His glare hardened as his jaw dropped a little, "I was sitting here first!" Draco exclaimed.

"And that's important to me – why, exactly? I'm not moving."

With gritted teeth, Draco tried once more, "Move, or I'll make you move."

The girl laughed and turned towards him, "You have got to be kidding me. You think that a little priss like you could make me move? Sorry, but I'm a Yankee, here on vacation – we American's tend to have a bad temper."

"So I've noticed."

Once more she gave another bitter laugh, "Buddy, I just got dumped by my boyfriend of four years, I'm stuck in London with no place to go, and I'm incredibly hungover. I don't need any more problems – I have enough. Not everyone has a daddy who buys them everything."

At the mention of the word 'daddy' Draco stiffened. He turned towards the girl with a streak of white-hot terror running through him, though he showed none of it. Instead, he leaned forward and grabbed her shirt roughly, "Who sent you? Was it Him? Tell Him I'll be in contact, and He doesn't need to worry. I'll get the job done! I don't need some witch to watch over me and try to make sure I do it. I won't fail Him – you tell Him that."

She gave him an incredulous look and went, "What is wrong with you?"

"You tell Him," Draco rambled on, not listening to her. "That I'm only on this muggle device so that I can get to school. You tell Him that without riding this I wouldn't be able to do what I have to. And when did He start recruiting American's? I thought you were all useless."

"Hello?" The girl waved a hand in front of his face. "Are you from the insane asylum?"

Without stopping to breathe, Draco continued, "Don't tell my Father. Whatever you do, don't tell my Father you saw me on this muggle contraption. Don't tell him, you hear me? He'll kill me, they both will. Don't tell him!"

The train came to a stop and the girl jumped up with a look of fear on her plain face, "You're a freak, you know that? I guess I'm not the only one who's been drinking around here, but—but whatever you do, keep away from me. Don't you follow me off this train, you understand?"

The fear which resided inside Draco had yet to disappear, as he muttered continuously, "Don't tell my Father, please whatever you do, don't tell Lucius."

The doors opened and the girl gave him one last look of confusion as she stepped off the train. It was then that the fear began to slowly slip away, just in time to allow Draco to look out the window, only to see the blonde staring at him with a look of worry on her face.

His heart stopped pounding so fast as the train pulled away and soon the girl was just a blurb of color, until he could see her no more. He never would again, of course, and he wouldn't even remember her – for why would he want to? Silently he cursed himself; how was he supposed to make it through the year if one muggle could send him off into a frenzy of fear just by saying the word 'daddy'? The year was going to be hard enough, what with the beginning of NEWTS, a two yearlong program.

Draco had no time to worry about killing his Headmaster.

Oh life is so messed up.

The train finally came to his stop and he stood up leaving behind the panic he had felt only moments before. Dragging his trunk behind him he walked through King's Cross, until he finally reached Platforms Nine and Ten. Glancing around for a moment, Draco made sure no muggle's were watching, and then ran through the wall and appeared on the other side where children and parents were waving goodbye to each other lovingly.

With a sneer on his face Draco pulled out his wand and used it for the first time all summer to hover his trunk onto the train. Shoving first years out of his way and making the usual remarks he found an empty compartment where he placed his things. Now, all he had to do was wait for his friends.

As he sat down he raised his arm for a moment and muttered a glamour spell quietly so that all the scars were covered with a layer of magic. Draco's mind began to wander towards his father once more as he stared at the shadow of the scars on his skin. Most caused by magic – hardly any by hand. His father hardly ever lay a finger on him, but when he did it was not to love him or hug him. And even when he didn't touch Draco, there was always magic.

For a while Draco simply sat and remembered his dark past. Remembered the week when his father had taken away his sight when he had glared at his mother. Or the time he had been paralyzed for two weeks when his father had discovered Potter had bested him in Quidditch – that was during his summer holiday, of course. Or what of the time his father had stripped him of his magic for a week when he got word that the Hippogriff had attacked Draco? School had been abysmal for those few days, looking like a complete fool in front of all the Professor's.

The compartment door was pushed open as a voice spoke, "Honestly, darling, don't take it as an insult that you're mother's had several husbands. It just means she has a wonderful sex life— Draco!" Pansy dropped her trunk and enveloped him in a hug. "How are you?"

He answered nonchalantly, "Oh you know, had a wonderful summer. My mother and I went to France to escape the press about my father's imprisonment. Honestly, that Skeeter woman actually appeared at our summer house in France! How utterly desperate."

"But..." Blaise was quiet for a moment before he carried on. "I could have sworn I saw you in Diagon Alley a few weeks ago."

"Me? In Diagon Alley? Alone? Don't make me laugh! I only went once this summer and that was to get new dress robes and my school things. What were you doing down there, Blaise? Scrounging for loose women with empty pockets?" Draco gave a loud, bitter laugh though beneath it was his high-strung nerves, unsure of what to say next.

Blaise bowed his head, "Of course, you would never go there on your own. Sorry, Draco."

He waved his hand towards his friend and turned towards Crabbe and Goyle who were standing awkwardly in the doorway, "Vincent. Gregory. Are you two going to stand there like buffoon's or sit down?"

They moved towards the seats and sat together quietly with confused looks worn on their dark faces. Pansy, who had taken the spot besides Draco, had not seemed to stop talking, "...and then Millicent fell down and I just couldn't stop laughing! Oh it was just so funny, you had to be there."

With a forced smile Draco said, "Of course, Pansy. I'm sorry I missed it."

"So, anyways darling, did you enjoy France? I've always wanted to go there – sounds absolutely fabulous from what my parents have told me. But you know them, so bloody overprotective they'd never let their 'little girl' travel all the way to France. Because, of course, didn't you know that all French men are apparently horny little devils and want to take advantage of young, innocent girls?" With a dry laugh she pushed her hair behind her ear. "I swear, my parents are more worried about my sex life then they are about the upcoming war."

Blaise glanced up and said, "Yes about that; what do you all think about the war, anyways? My mother is saying we'll keep out of it, just like we did in the first war. She doesn't want there to be any possibility of me not growing up and giving her hundreds of beautiful grandchildren. Honestly, I think the woman wants me to be a Weasley."

"Well Blaise, it's not like your mother can expect much else from you," she replied with a quick nod. "My parents said I am to keep as far away from the war as possible. I believe their words were, 'Darling, we love you – we really do. But fighting in a war is a man's job. You know you're supposed to get married and take care of your husband.' I was ready to scream my bloody head off when they said that. As if I would ever make it as a house wife."

Blaise turned towards the two large Slytherin's who had not spoken, "What about your parents Vincent? And yours, Gregory? What did they say?"

Gregory made a noise and answered roughly, "'E say I wasn' smart enuff."

"My mum said I'd embarrass my da'. I you-know-'ho but I can't try and 'elp," Vincent explained angrily.

The four of them turned together and looked at Draco, "What about you?" Pansy asked.

Draco leaned back and placed his arms behind his head, "Think of who my father is, Pansy. You really think I wouldn't be fighting in this war? I support it one hundred percent – I can't wait to see the Boy Wonder fail. Plus He trusts me, you know? In fact, I was given a very important thing to do for Him this year. I'll be His right-hand man when this year is over – I can promise you that."

"Did you—" Blaise glanced outside the window to make sure no one was in the hall listening in. He continued on in a whisper, "Did you get the mark?"

For a moment Draco almost shuddered at the idea of another scar marking his skin, but instead he kept his face straight, "Of course not, you twit. You think that prat Dumbledore would let me into the castle if he saw the Dark Mark on my arm? Think for a moment, He needs someone in Hogwarts to help him. Who better then a student? Dumbledore's too trusting, he'd never suspect a student to do anything. Of course, He considered Snape...but, really, the man's been here for fifteen years and he hasn't been able to get Him inside. He stopped truly trusting Snape after our First year."

"But..." Pansy had a troubled expression on her face. "I mean, no offense darling, but you're only sixteen. How could He expect you to be able to do something Snape hasn't been able to do in fifteen years? I mean, you are smart, but don't you think He's expecting a little too much?"

He wanted nothing more to agree but instead he snapped at her, "The Dark Lord does not give out assignments that are only capable of failure. If He thinks I can do it, then I can. Don't question me, Pansy!"

Everyone in the compartment diverted their eyes and began to mutter incoherent sentences to each other. Draco let out a deep breath, realizing he had fallen to far into his facade – for a moment, it had felt as if he really believed in his father's cause. For a moment there, Draco sounded just like his father.

And it scared him.

Author's Note: I would just like to explain that the American girl is at the beginning simply to show the nerves Draco is feeling and the fear he's not hiding very well. Also, I'd like to point out that YES in Draco's thought's he's very OOC, but when speaking (as you might have already been able to tell) he keeps his facade up.
Hope you enjoyed the chapter!

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