Chapter 18 : What Hurts the Most
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What Hurts the Most
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do
--Rascal Flatts "What Hurts the Most"
Nothing can compare to this. There can’t anything more painful. More horrible. My insides felt like they had exploded, my heart suffering. I didn’t cry. For some reason I found that I couldn’t let any tears spill. I had lost my best friend. My neighbor. And now the boy I loved. It was like it would never get better. Nothing will help me now. I was just a body walking around, going from place to place. No more smiles, no more laughs, no more anything. It was just me and Lily now.
“I still can’t believe he’d break up with you,” Lily said shaking her head.
It was two days after our break-up. Sirius and I had become the center of gossip. Yeah, people whispered about Kirsten and James, but the couple everyone watched before break, were now done. It was a bit depressing to see everyone watching me in the halls, really. But I ignored all the looks. I didn’t answer the questions shot at me. And I suffered through each class having to sit next to Sirius. In potions we barely spoke and blew up out potion, but we still didn’t talk.
What hurts the most about this whole break-up, was that there were things I needed to say to Sirius. I would see something that I knew would make Sirius smile and I would want to run over to him and tell him. I wanted to tell him I loved him desperately whenever I saw him. I wanted to tell him that I would never stop loving him, that he is still my everything. I wanted him to know that I would give him longer then a month any time because no one can replace him.
“I can’t understand what happened,” I muttered.
“It was me and James, I know. I mean, James said it was temporary, but I bet Sirius felt that he had to choose between you and his best friend,” Lily said, for about the billionth time, “He choose James because, well you know the Marauders, they are so close that it’s insane. I bet that Sirius feels as lost as you right now.”
Almost as if on cue. Sirius, James, Remus, and Peter stepped out of a secret passage way laughing their heads off at something. As soon as Sirius spotted me, his face fell. I looked at Lily, both of us thinking that Sirius definitely wasn’t as lost as me. For a minute we all stood there looking at one another.
“Lily?” James asked, “Can I talk to you?”
“Yes,” Lily said and with a glance at me, they walked away. I looked back at the last three Marauders and then continued my way to the Great Hall.
I was half way through picking at my lunch when Lily came in, looking a lot happier since we heard the news about Kirsten. She sat down next to me and grinned before pulling food toward her and piling helpings onto her plate. I stared at her for a minute wondering how she could be so happy.
“You’ll never believe it,” she said pouring herself pumpkin juice.
“Believe what?” I asked, curious.
“James wants to get back together,” she said, “He said that since we got back to Hogwarts, he realizes that now is the time we need each other more then ever. We have to keep the ones we love close now!”
“Wow, Lily, that’s great,” I said forcing a smile. My heart ached a bit more.
“I told him I need to think about it,” Lily said, suddenly her smiles gone. I looked up at her, shocked.
“What?” I gasped.
“I wasn’t sure if it would be okay with you. Without Kirsten here and the break-up between you and Sirius. . .I wanted to make sure you’ll be okay,” Lily said a bit hesitant. I felt guilty for making Lily think like that. I wanted her to be happy as much as I wanted Sirius near me again.
“I’ll be fine, Lily. It’ll help me to see you smile more,” I said giving her a small smile, this time it wasn’t forced.
“Oh, Libby, thank you!” Lily pulled me into a hug, “Everything will work out between you and Sirius, too. I know it will!”
“Thanks,” I said. Lily then smiled at me and then went skipping off towards where the Marauders were seated. I watched her sit next to James. He looked reasonable happier, too.
Sirius was watching them. He looked depressed and a bit angry. His gaze shifted over to me and I looked away before getting up and leaving the Great Hall. I already missed Lily, but she needed James. James needed her. They were meant to be together. Just like how I thought Sirius and I were meant to be together. But I was wrong. Completely and totally wrong.
February came quicker then I had thought. Gryffindor had won the Quidditch re-match against Ravenclaw and if Hufflepuff lost to Slytherin in the next match, we would go to the championships for the Cup against Slytherin. Otherwise, we would play the Ravenclaws for a third time, this time for the Cup.
Sirius and I still hadn’t said anything to one another, though James stopped me more then once in the hall telling me that Sirius didn’t mean it. I felt like I was going mad and felt it, too. My grades were beginning to drop and I getting more and more careless. All I could really think about was Sirius. There was a very narrow line between sanity and insanity and it scared me. Kirsten was always the one that was good with break-ups. I wished she were here again just to help me out. Lily wasn’t being much help. She spent almost every moment possible with James. It was a bit hurtful, actually. I was the third wheel half the time and the other half I was alone.
On Valentine’s Day, there was a Hogsmeade weekend. I wasn’t looking forward to it at all. I was staying alone in the castle, without a date. It was very depressing really. I went to be that Friday night depressed as Lily talked about her first Valentine’s Day with James. With a serious boyfriend. I was happy for her, really I was, but couldn’t help but remember that it’s been a month since Sirius and I had broken up. It was really official now. Sirius wasn’t coming back. But I couldn’t bring myself to take off the locket he had given me for Christmas.
I woke up the next morning to Lily’s squeals. They startled me and I sat up straight thinking Lily had received some great present from James. But it she was standing at the end of my bed, smiling widely. Nothing in her hand or anything. That’s when I realized.
My bed was covered in blood red rose petals. The floor around my bed was, too, forming a soft, delicate carpet. Sitting on the end of my bed were dozens of roses, all the same blood red as the petals around me. I sat gaping at them. For a minute, I thought Ben might have sent them, but then I thought otherwise. My heart was beating in my chest loudly.
“Is there a card?” I asked.
“Yes! In the roses,” Lily said. I got out of bed and moved towards them. I realized that there were boxes of chocolate and a set of diamond ears with a matching bracelet and necklace around them. I bit my lip as I lifted them.
“Libby,” Lily was saying, “There’s five dozen roses there. Sixty roses. Plus all the petals must make up another dozen.”
“Wow,” I muttered as I put the jewelry down and pulled the card out of the roses. I opened the card up.
I want you to know that I really do still love you
And that the roses before you
The diamonds and chocolate
Can never describe how much you really do mean to me
Let them be a symbol of my love for you
Let them be a small token of my love
Just don’t ever forget that no girl but you is right for me
All my love,
Tears burst into my eyes. I bit my lip to keep them from spilling over. Lily red the card over my shoulder and gasped, putting a hand to her heart and then looking at the roses scattered on my floor and settles in the glass vase.
He still loved me to do this.
Not being able to take it anymore, I went into the bathroom. I set up a hot bath for myself, put a charm on it to keep it hot, and then got into it. I sat in the suds and tried tor relax. I heard the three girls in my dormitory leave for Hogsmeade. Probably with dates, and I still sat there, alone. It wasn’t till well afternoon that I got out and dried myself off. I dressed quickly and then decided to go for a walk around the castle.
It was pretty much empty being a Hogsmeade weekend and considering that it was Valentine’s Day. I sighed as I walked on. I felt so left out now. I felt like more of my sanity was inching away. Being in my lonely, almost depressing state, I knew I was wasting away. I needed someone. Anyone, really, to just talk to. To laugh with or something.
“Libby?” a voice asked. I stopped and squeezed my eyes shut. I guess he was better then nothing.
“Ben,” I said, turning around and looking at the Ravenclaw. He was smirking at me.
“Just think, if you didn’t break up with me, you’d have gotten a Valentine this morning,” he said, “Instead, you get nothing because Black broke your heart. Just like I had expected him to.”
“I did get a Valentine, Ben,” I sneered, very out of character.
“Did you?” Ben looked surprised.
“You said you loved me, so did Sirius. At least he still cared enough even if we are over,” I said, I started walking again, but Ben grabbed my arm and pulled me up to the Seventh Floor and into the Room of Requirement.
I was startled from this motion. So swift and easy. He almost lifted me off my feet and carried me up the many stairs to the room. Now, I stood uncomfortably in the center of the Room of Requirement. Ben was smirking at me.
“When I asked you out, I had a bet,” he said, “My friends and I always have this bet. I have to take your innocence away by the end of the year. I lost twenty galleons to them because you called things off. I thought maybe saying I’ve liked you since third year would work. Then I thought those three words girls long to hear will bring you back to me. But they didn’t because you were to caught up with Black. So, I let you go. But I want my twenty galleons back.”
My eyes grew wide as I listened to him. I couldn’t believe it. Ben. Sweet, kind Ben, really did just want to get in my pants. My heart pounded in my chest. Sirius was always looking out for me.
“Sirius was right about you.” I muttered.
“Yeah, stupid Marauders know so many secret passage ways. I didn’t think that he would walk up behind me from a mirror. It startled me, but I knew you weren’t going to believe him. I played you as well as my good friend Roger Hill. Remember him? He got his ten galleons back when I failed. I want it back. Now,” Ben advanced on me. The door was behind him, causing me to back further into the room. My mind was working fast. I had to keep him talking.
“So, what exactly was this bet? I mean, word for word,” I said, hoping he’d answer. Today, all my hopes were just coming true because Ben did answer.
“I have to take away your virginity by the last day of school. So, here we are. You’re still a virgin and I’m about to take that away and get my twenty galleons back,” Ben smirked. I wanted to throw up, but then an idea came to mind.
“Are you sure about that?” I asked.
“Oh yes, I hate losing bets and I need that money,” Ben replied, still walking closer.
“Now, are you sure I’m a virgin?” I asked allowing a triumph smirk to cross my face when Ben stopped walking, dumbstruck.
“You have to be,” Ben said, a bit desperately, “You’re you!”
“Thanks, Ben, that really boosts my ego,” I said sarcastically.
“No! When? When did this happen? With who—it was Black, wasn’t it?” Ben seemed to be getting angrier by the second. But I just stood there, smirking, though feeling guilty about lying. I would have to somehow tip Sirius off and he’d get pissed at me for saying something like that.
“Of course it was Sirius,” I shrugged, “And when is happened isn’t any of your business. So, if I’m not mistaken, I believe you lost this bet anyways. Can I go?”
Ben stood there for a minute and then smiled, “The guys don’t know that you’re a not a virgin. I can still win my bet.”
He started for me again. I whipped out my wand, remembering that I had it with me, and cast a full body-bind on him. I walked over to him. My triumph fading and turning back into my grief and sadness. Ben looked up at me angrily. I smirked again.
“Don’t mess with me,” I said, “I don’t like it.”
I hurried off down the hall, trying to put as much distance between me and Ben as possible. Having no place to go, though, I took a secret passage Sirius showed me back to the seventh floor where I re-entered the Gryffindor Common Room. Again, I froze. Sirius was sitting on the couch. He was hunched over a pile of parchment and glancing up at a book every once in a while. I was tempted to go up to him. Just watching me sitting there was making me want to run to him.
Tears burned behind my eyes and I gasped a sob back. Sirius looked up at me, startled that someone else was there. When he saw me standing there, he was on his feet in an instant and next to me, looking at me in concern.
“What’s wrong?” he asked softly, feeling my forehead. Even after we break up, he’s kind to me, “You feel feverish. And you’re incredibly paler. You aren’t well.”
“I’m fine,” I choked out. Sirius stared at me for a minute.
“No you’re not,” he said. I pulled away from him.
“Who are you to say that?” I snapped, and then I hurried up the girls dormitory the door bouncing back open as I slammed it shut, knowing Sirius couldn’t get up there.
I flopped on my bed before I remembered all the rose petals. I sat up on the opposite side and tried to get all the flower petals off. They stuck to me desperately. Why is it that Sirius always knows when I’m upset. Why did he have to touch me? Now my skin tingled and I felt more mad then ever. I needed help. I should owl my aunt and ask her if I could get my head checked in St. Mungo’s.
“Libby?” Sirius’s voice came from the door way. I jumped and fell sideways off my bed and down to the floor with a thud. I sat back up quickly, rose petals now in my hair and more were sticking to me.
“How did you get up here?” I gasped.
“The stairs?” Sirius said.
“Yeah–but they’re supposed to be a slide. . .and you fall. . .down,” I said somewhat lamely.
“I’m a Marauder,” Sirius rolled his eyes, “James and I figured out how to climb the stairs in third year.”
“But. . .how?” I asked.
“That’s a Marauder secret,” Sirius couldn’t help but grin. I frowned and stood up, brushing flower petals off my clothes and arms.
“Thanks for the Valentine,” I muttered. Sirius didn’t reply. I looked up and he was standing on the other side of my bed.
“You’re not okay, are you?” Sirius whispered.
“I watch you all day, Libby, you can’t seem to get a grasp on life anymore,” Sirius went on, “I’m worried about you.”
“You should be considering half of it is your fault,” I snapped.
“I didn’t know about Kirsten until after I broke up with you. We didn’t go to dinner the night before when the announcement was made and I was ignoring the gossip,” Sirius explained desperately, “I’m so sorry. When I broke things off, you weren’t supposed to take it like that. I lost my temper when you lost yours. It wasn’t supposed to be permanent. Just until James and Lily were back together. Until James realized that he needs Lily the most right now.”
“Sirius,” I said shaking my head, I walked towards the window and looked out, “Sirius, I think I’m going mad. No, I know I’m going mad. I can feel it. And it scares me,” my voice cracked.
“You’re not going mad,” Sirius said from behind me. I turned and saw how close he was standing.
“It’s like you said, Sirius, I can’t seem to get a grasp on life. And I can’t. Everything I do seems so much harder. Even waking up in the morning. I don’t see the point,” I let my tears fall.
“Oh, Libby,” Sirius murmured my name, he wrapped his arms around me and held me close to him, “I think you’re becoming depressed. And it is my fault. You need me as much as Lily needs James. I’m so, so sorry,” he whispered.
For a long time, we just stood there. I was staining Sirius’s shirt and he was holding me the way I had been wanting to be held since the news of Kirsten. I felt calmer then I had for weeks and relieved. This was what I needed. Sirius was what I needed. Were we over? Or can we pick up from where we left off?
“Sirius,” I said, pulling away, so I could look up at him.
“What?” Sirius asked quietly.
“Don’t leave me again,” I edict. Sirius was silent for a moment, his eyes widened.
“Never again,” he said and then, for the first time since the Holidays, Sirius kissed me. Having been apart for so long, we kissed one another hungrily, wanting more. Wanting to make up for the lost time.
Somehow, without parting, we maneuvered towards my bed and Sirius pushed me down. And I was going to keep going, too. I wanted to, really. But then I pushed Sirius off and shook my head.
“Not yet,” I gasped
“Sorry,” he sat up, quickly.
“It’s fine, I’m just not ready,” I shrugged. Then I let a little smile appear, “I told Ben we slept together.”
“What?” Sirius’s jaw dropped, eyes flashing suspiciously.
“He was going to rape me if I didn’t. You were right about him getting in my pants. I should have listened to you,” I explained. Sirius’s jaw tightened.
“Can I beat him up?” he asked.
“Go right on ahead,” I smiled.
Sirius jumped up was out the door in seconds. I laughed for the first time in weeks and went after him, not wanting to miss this.
A/N: I think this is my shortest chapter. it's also going to be my shortest author's note because my mom is yelling at me to get to bed. lol. so, here's a little something from chp. 19 Life of My Own (by 3 Doors Down)
“Um, excuse me, Libby?” the girl said. I turned and smiled, realizing she had been there for a while.
“Sorry, yes?” I asked.
“Professor Dumbledore has asked me to tell you that he would like to see you and Sirius in his office immediately,” the girl said.
“What for?” Sirius asked loudly. Madam Pince shushed him from her desk.
“I don’t know. He just told me that it was important you come as soon as possible,” the Hufflepuff blushed as Sirius looked at her, head tilted to the side.
“Okay, thanks,” he said, “Come on Libby.”
What's this all about? Can it be the whole fate thing again??
PLease review!! I love the feed back!!
HAPPY HALLOWEEN(for those of you that celebrate it of course, other wise, Happy Tuesday)!!!!!
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