Chapter 12 : I'm Not Okay(I Promise)
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I’m Not Okay(I Promise)
Forget about the dirty looks
The photographs your boyfriend took?
You said you read me like a book, but the pages are all torn and frayed
I'm okay, yeah
(I'm okay, yeah)
wish you were really hear listening to me
Because I'm telling you the truth
I realize I'm okay!
---My Chemical Romance "I'm Not Okay(I Promise)"
Sunday I kept as busy as possible. I did my homework as slowly and detailed I could go just to keep my mind from drifting off. Once I was done, which was much to soon, I got James to lend me one of his book on werewolves, which he has way to many of, and buried my nose in the pages for as long as possibly. Anything to keep myself from thinking about him.
Lily and Kirsten knew something was up Monday morning. Just seeing how I got dressed lazily and did my make-up as perfect as possible. I find doing make-up takes a lot of concentration(an art, Kirsten calls it) and a good way to take my mind off thing. And how I also did my hair in a cute little style as another distraction. My appearance then looked to good. But I didn’t have time to fix it because I was going to be late if I didn’t go to breakfast now.
In the Great Hall I saw him for the first time since I had finally admitted the cold, horrible truth to myself. He was sitting with James, Peter, and Remus as usual. He did seem a lot happier as he tried to catch the grapes James was tossing into his open mouth. As immature as the stunt was, he made it look like the latest thing. I sighed and followed Lily and Kirsten, who had been throwing me looks all morning, towards James. Oh no! That was going to land me a spot next to him!
“Lily, must we sit with them?” I asked. Lily and Kirsten looked at me.
“Oh, come on, Libby, just don’t talk to Sirius,” Kirsten rolled her eyes and pulled me over to them. She sat herself between me and Sirius, much to my relief. Lily sat across from us besides James, who stopped throwing the grapes as soon as he spotted her.
“Hey!” James said, kissing Lily softly. He looked at me, “Quidditch practice tonight, Libs. Right after dinner.”
“Yes, sir!” I said, saluting my long time friend.
“I have detention, James!” Sirius whined. God, he sounds sexy even then.
“With who?” James asked.
“Mcgonagall. She keeps telling me she’s not my mother,” Sirius pouted. I had just lifted my glass of pumpkin juice to my mouth and taken a big gulp of it when Sirius said this. For some reason, I found this funnier then I ever would have before and snorted, very unladylike, into my juice.
“Ew, Libby, that’s disgusting,” Kirsten said, but Sirius and James were laughing hysterically. Sirius’s bark like laugh echoing across the hall, causing many to turn towards us.
“Sorry,” I said, looking into my cup with a wrinkled nose, “I couldn’t help it.”
“Anyways, Sirius, why in the world are you calling Mcgonagall your mother?” Lily asked. It was a pointless question. The Marauders are always doing pointless things like this.
“I was in detention with her Friday, remember?” Sirius asked, we nodded, “Well, I was thinking about how much Mcgonagall acts like a mother. Always yelling at James and me, telling us to do good on tests and to study, you know, all the things that I’ve been deprived of since the day I was born. So, I told Mcgonagall I was going to call her Mum. I said it one to many times and she gave me another detention.”
“You’re a git, Sirius,” James said, shaking his head, but he was grinning.
“I’ve been told,” Sirius said, throwing a sideway look at me. I looked at my cereal with a guilty expression.
“I may be able to get you out of it though. We have our first match in almost three weeks,” James said, “I will asked Mcgonagall if she can hold your detention tomorrow instead of tonight so we can practice.”
“Yes! I know a new line we can use on her,” Sirius grinned, “I overheard her talking to Flitwick the other day. It’s perfect.”
“You guys are arrogant suck-ups,” Kirsten said rolling her eyes. James and Sirius grinned at one another knowing it was true. I had to smile, too.
As we walked out of the Great Hall, the boys having hung back for a while longer, Lily and Kirsten looked at me. They were trying to stare me down, I knew they were, but I was determined to ignore them.
“I think there was something happening back there,” Kirsten said finally.
“Huh?” I asked.
“Between you and Sirius. I could practically feel the vibes coming off you two and you weren’t even sitting or talking to one another,” Kirsten smirked.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said honestly.
“What’s up with you today, though, Libs,” Lily asked, “You are acting so off.”
“Nothing is wrong, I’m fine,” I forced a smile and Kirsten stared a bit longer before leading the way to Transfiguration.
We took our seats and I tried hard to pretend I didn’t care that Sirius was sitting right next to me. Then Mcgonagall came into the room, and I made the mistake of turning towards Sirius to get my black quill that I bought out of my bag. It had become my favorite and worked the best out of all my quills. However, turning towards Sirius forced me to look at him. Not good.
“Today,” Professor Mcgonagall said from the front of her classroom, “We are going over Animagi. We covered them briefly in third year, but now we are going to study them in depth. Who can tell me what an animagus is?”
I wasn’t paying attention. I was still being forced to sit next to Sirius and watching him play with his wand was enchanting. For some odd reason, I knew that James was watching me. He only sat two rows behind me and had the perfect view of me. Yet, I could not bring myself to pull my eyes off of Sirius to check. It was hard for him to be describe with such simple words like hot, sexy, gorgeous, and beautiful. Ever since my horrible confession, he has look ten times better then I had thought. He was.... breathtaking.
Sirius looked at me suddenly, looking straight into my eyes. A small voice in my head told me to look away and pay attention because I might just do something stupid. My heart, as corny as it sounds, seemed to have taken over my mind and forced me to look right back. And I knew the look in my eye was more of a affectionate look then of hatred and anger.
“Mr. Black, Miss Cullen,” Mcgonagall’s voice made our heads snap back to the front of the room, our minds back into reality, “I suggest you use my class to learn, not to host a staring contest.” she scolded. Yet, her voice was softer then it usually would have been and I swear she was smiling as she turned around.
I didn’t hear another word all through the lesson. My eye were on Mcgonagall. I saw her walking around, her mouth moving, and so on. My focus, however, was still on Sirius. I could see him from the corner of my eye, once again playing with his quill. Every so often he would jerk his head to the left to get his long bangs out of his eyes. It was the most frustrating class I had ever sat through. I was going to die in potions.
Once Mcgonagall released us, I left. I didn’t wait for Kirsten and Lily, I just left. I had to get away from Sirius. However, halfway down the corridor, James chased after me.
“Oi!” he called, “Libby! Wait up!”
I stopped and turned around, “Yeah?”
“You okay?” he asked.
“Everyone keeps asking me that,” I groaned, “I’m fine!”
“Okay,” James said raising up his hands in defeat, “Just making sure. You seem distracted.”
“Aren’t we all?” I asked as I began walking again.
“Yeah, but, Libby, I was watching you through Transfiguration. You seemed distracted by Sirius,” James smirked. I looked at him, angry that I had been so obvious.
“I said it in the first class and I’ll say it now. He’s very distracting,” I said.
“Even when he isn’t doing anything?” James asked, his smirk getting bigger. I sighed. I could trust James, but I wasn’t so sure if I could trust him while we’re dealing with his best friend.
“That’s when he’s most distracting,” I muttered. James laughed quietly.
“Well, I say it’s about time! Now, you just have to tell Sirius and he will actually laugh again!” he said. I stopped and looked at James seriously.
“If you tell him, I swear I will cut off your head!” I threatened.
“Aw, come on, Libby. He has the right to know! I mean he’s more in love with you then I am with Lily!” James urged.
“He’s in love with me?” I gasped, “Like seriously in love?”
“Yeah,” James said nodding as if it were obvious, “I remember when he told me, in our forth year. We had just played that game against the Ravenclaws, the one you almost screwed up because you were to busy looking at Carlson. Sirius and I were the last ones in the locker room and I was teasing him that he had some competition now. Sirius was smiling, but he was quiet and when we were about to leave the locker room, Sirius just sort of looked at me with this dazed look on his face and said, ‘James, I think I’m in love with her’ and I laughed because at fourteen I didn’t really believe love could exist until I realized I was in love with Lily. But Sirius was so, uh, serious about what he said that I knew he wasn’t just saying that. Yet, he couldn’t bring himself to talk to you like a normal person. You were to intimidating to him.”
“No way,” I whispered. I looked at James, sort of surprised, “And you never told me?!”
“Why would I tell you something as serious as that?” James asked, looking appalled, “Sirius would hate me if I told you. I did lay down some hints though and Sirius would always yell at me later, but you always looked right past them. I finally just you kiss him, hoping that something would happen. And it did! Sirius was wearing a goofy smile for weeks and now you are falling for him!”
“Oh, James, I’m confused,” I muttered. James frowned, looking at me as I went on, “It’s just, I’m with Ben. I can’t be dreaming of Sirius when I’m with Ben.”
“So break up with the Ravenclaw git and get with Sirius!” James said loudly. I shushed him and looked around. The corridor, oddly enough, was empty.
“I can’t just break up with him!” I gasped, “I promised him that I would dump him and go running to Sirius!”
“Libby, you and Sirius are destined to be together!” James said looking at me like I should have known that.
“Yeah, but I don’t break promises as easily,” I snapped.
“It’ll hurt him worse if you continue to go out with him when you really want someone else,” James argued. I glared at him for making a good point then looked away.
“I can’t break up with him. Not yet,” I muttered.
“Would it help if I told you why Sirius thinks Ben wants to get in your pants?” James asked, smiling.
“No.” I said simply. I looked at my watch as the bell rang singling that everyone should be in their classes, “But thanks for making us late.”
“You’re welcome, Libby,” James grinned.
Slughorn was directing the class to start the Memory potion we’ve been learning about for weeks. He glanced up when James and I walked in, but didn’t say anything. I took my seat next to Sirius silently. His potions book was open to the steps of making the Memory potion and he was pulling out ingredients. I pulled my own book out and took collected some ingredients from the storage cabinet. When I returned, James was talking to Sirius over the table. My stomach twisted, begging that he wasn’t telling Sirius anything about our most recent conversation.
As soon as the two saw me, they stopped talking and turned back to their potions. I eyed James suspiciously, but he was avoiding my gaze and smirking slightly. Taking a deep breath, I started to chop up Ginger roots. I noticed Sirius watching me and stopped to look up at him.
“What?” I snapped.
“Nothing,” Sirius said calmly, “You just look very nice today.”
“Uh,” I said, “Thanks.”
My heart swelled up with happiness.
Over the next two weeks, I found it hard to concentrate. James assured me that he didn’t tell Sirius anything. I slipped some truth potion, stolen from Slughorn, into his pumpkin juice one morning and luckily he really hadn’t. I knew I could trust him.
However, I still found talking to Sirius hard, sometimes. Like in classes I was fine. When talking with James and Remus, I was fine. But when it was just me and Sirius I began to withdraw with fear of slipping up or flirting with him or something worse. James seemed to be forcing us together a lot, too. I finally had to pull him aside and tell him to stop it. He didn’t.
The teachers seemed to want Sirius and me to get together, too. I don’t know what’s so special about us or our relationship with one another, but Flitwick would always beam at us when we talked in his class. Mcgonagall was nicer to us and I swear she always smiled when Sirius would start helping me transfigure whatever it is we were working on that day in class. Hagrid, who technically wasn’t a teacher, would pass by us, grinning, and say how good we look together. Worse, Dumbledore would look pleased whenever I sat next to Sirius at meal times. Stupid teachers know something that I really would like to know.
I can’t interfere with fate now, can I?
The worse thing in the past two week, however, was having to speak with Ben. I tried to break up with him more then once, but we were always interrupted or I would chicken out. He didn’t expect anything, I don’t think, even with me reluctance to kiss him and hug him. I felt bad because this wasn’t fair to Ben. Daydreaming while talking with him, pulling my hand from his to pretend I needed to scratch my nose or push hair out of my face, and giving weak smiles whenever Ben would mention how glad he was that I didn’t dump him for Sirius.
James would corner me frequently in the hall asking me if I dumped Ben yet. I would sadly say no and keep walking. He would be giving me these glaring looks for the rest of the day before asking me again.
Soon, three weeks had gone by. Ben and I were still together and Sirius and I were still awkward with one another. I was so glad when the first Quidditch match of the year came in the middle of November. Quidditch made me happy, especially at games. And it was nice conditions, too, on the Saturday morning of the game which just so happened to be Gryffindor vs. Ravenclaw. Is that a sign?
Anyways, I woke up early, happier and more relaxed then I had been all year long. I went down to the Great Hall where people were dressed in blue and reds to show their support for whichever team. I made my way to where the rest of the Gryffindor team was sitting with a confident bounce in my step.
“You look happy,” a voice said before I reached my team. I turned to see Ben. He was smiling and looked just as confident as me.
“I am!” I said, grinning widely.
“We’re playing against one another you know,” Ben said, frowning. I tried to make myself frown, but failed.
“Yeah, I guess we are,” I shrugged. Then I grinned, “Promise not to be mad when we kick your butt?”
“Oh yeah,” Ben said sarcastically, then smiled and added, “If you promise not to be a sore loser when we win!”
“I’m afraid that promise won’t be necessary,” I smirked. Then, for Ben’s sake, I kissed him on the cheek because kissing on his mouth was to hard, and went to my team where James was frowning at me.
I ate some toast and drank some pumpkin juice. Once I was done, James stood up, looking pleased and confident.
“Time to go!” he said, rubbing him hands together. I stood with the rest of the team and we started to leave. Until Kirsten ran up to us, smiling. I was glad to see her smile, she had just broken up with Michael Lambert and she was quite upset about it.
However, I frowned at she walked right up to Sirius, who looked ready to get out on the field. He looked at her and her smile turned to a smirk.
“Good luck, Sirius,” she said and then pulled the collar of his shirt and stood on her tiptoes, planting a kiss right on Sirius’s mouth. I felt my blood rush to my face as I glared at Kirsten and Sirius kiss passionately. Jealousy ran through my veins as Kirsten pulled away and walking away, smirking. Sirius looked confused at to what had happened and looked at me who was glaring at Kirsten, red faced, hands balled into fists at me side.
“Uh,” James said, confused, too, “Let’s go.”
I changed into my Quidditch robes angrily. Darcy was looking at me like I was some crazy person as I jammed on my Chaser gloves and strapped them on tightly. Then, as I slammed my locker shut so hard it bounced back open, Sirius appeared next to me, smirking slightly.
“You don’t have to be mad,” he said, “It’s not like I am in love with Kirsten now.”
“I’m not mad,” I snapped.
“Sure you’re not,” Sirius said, swinging his Beaters bat and leaning against the lockers.
“I’m not,” I repeated, “I’m just, er, nervous about playing against my boyfriend.”
“Whatever,” Sirius muttered.
“Okay, guys,” James said, grinning at us all, “Let’s get out there and show those gits what it’s like to lose!”
We all trooped out of the locker rooms to the loud cheering of the crowd. My anger, though still there, was forgotten as we climbed onto our brooms. This was one of the best things about Hogwarts. And I could even have more fun because I didn’t have to worry about those stupid goggles I had to wear in the past. Now I was able to see.
“Welcome to the first Quidditch match of the year, Gryffindor verses Ravenclaw!” came Alice’s magnified voice, “And here’s the Ravenclaws. Captain Montoya, Jones, Day, Carlson, Davies, and Allen! With new Beaters! And now the Gryffindors! Captain Potter, Cullen, Longbottom, Black, Smith, Murphy, and Jones! With a new Beater, Keeper, and Chaser!”
We did one lap around the field and then met the Ravenclaws on the ground. James and Ravenclaw’s new captain, Nick Montoya, shook hands. I looked at Ben, who winked at me, but there was a look in his eye I can’t explain. I had a bad feeling he saw my reaction to Kirsten kissing Sirius. I smiled at him as warmly as possible.
“And they’re off! Ravenclaw in possession! Ben Carlson passes to Derek Davies who passes it back to Carlson who—Ouch! Nice Bludger from Gryffindor Beater, Sirius Black—Carlson drops the Quaffle. Libby Cullen catches it and tosses to James Potter who tosses to the newest Chaser to the team, Frank Longbottom. Fran—I mean, Longbottom passes back to Potter and he tosses back to Cullen who dodges a Bludger from Jeremy Day and shoots for a goal. NO! Keeper Nick Montoya blocks it and tossed the game back in play. Yes! Potter intercepts the toss and tosses to Longbottom. Yes! He scores. 10-0 Gryffindor.”
The crowd screamed as James and I high-fived Frank, cheering. Then we went back to the game. It was pretty nasty, as most games were, but I had a feeling Sirius was going to try and break Ben’s neck with those Bludgers. James was determined to beat Ravenclaw and was playing hard and fast, as was I. Soon, the game was 60-40 to Gryffindor. Drew Murphy searched the pitch for the Snitch but had yet to see nothing. Gerri Jones, the Ravenclaw seeker, spotted the Snitch once, but it got away thanks to a well aimed Bludger from Darcy.
“Gryffindor in possession!” Alice was really into the game. I had no idea she liked Quidditch so much, “Frank—I mean, Longbottom passes to Cullen. Cullen passes it back and swerves from a Bludger. Longbottom passes once more to Cullen. She doges another Bludger and tosses to Potter who shoots! And he scores! 70-40 Gryffindor! Ravenclaw back in possession! Carlson swerves from Cullen and Potter. A Bludger just misses him. And yes! Another one hit from Smith meets its target. Cullen catches the Quaffle and heads back towards the goals. Oh no!”
The Quaffle was tucked by my hip. My eyes were on the goal and I didn’t see the bludger coming until it was to later. I threw my body back to keep it from hitting my face. However, my Nimbus jerked upwards where my face was. The Bludger hit the top half of the handle, breaking it off. I dropped the Quaffle and tried to keep my balance. I was more then 50 feet in the air, if I fell, I’d be dead. But I couldn’t keep my balance and fell forward, off my broom.
All I remember is the ground rushing towards me. At first I clawed the air as if looking for something to grab onto in panic. Then I just kept falling and shut my eyes tight, waiting for the blow.
And then, “Oof!” there was no pain and I could still sort of feel myself falling. I was suddenly awear that I had found something to grab onto and slowly opened my eyes. The second I saw Sirius’s familiar black hair and I realized I was clinging to him like a scared child would do their mother, I recognized Sirius’s familiar smell. I looked down, we were less then 10 feet from the ground. He must of caught me and the sudden weight made his Shooting Star sink a little.
“Sirius Black caught her!” I suddenly was awear of Alice’s voice again. She sounded frantic and I could picture her standing up, bouncing slightly, “He caught her! Oh Merlin, he caught her!”
I shut my eyes again as Sirius landed.
“Libby?” I heard his soft voice in my ear and it slowed my racing heart, “Libby, love, are you okay?”
“Oh, my God! Libby!” I heard James said.
“Are you okay?” I heard Darcy shriek.
“It’s okay, Libby, you can let go, we’re on the ground,” Sirius whispered. I slowly let go and he set me on the ground softly. I realized I was shaking and as soon as Sirius let go of me, my legs gave way. He caught me once more.
“Libby?” Ben was suddenly there, “Are you alright? You scared me! My whole mind completely froze up!”
“Libby? Come on, love, say something!” Sirius said, shaking me slightly. I just stared at him. He seemed more worried then anyone. My legs shook again, even though Sirius was holding me up. I felt sick and leaned over, barfing up my breakfast. Someone had pushed my hair out of my face, I realized. Then, everything starting getting black. I was briefly awear of someone calling my name once more and then nothing.
“Oh no!” Alice Stewart’s voice shrieked. I spun around on my broom in time to see a Bludger take off the front end of Libby’s broom. I gasped as I watched the fear on her face as she tried to stay in the air. The whole school had their eyes fixed on Libby as she fell forward.
“Someone catch her!” Alice was screaming, “Oh my, God! Someone!”
Before I knew it I was flying forward faster then I ever had before. I was in a sharp and dangerous dive and speeding towards Libby. I straightened as I grew level with her and then “Oof!” I said as she landed heavily in my arms. My broom sank a bit at the added weight, not that Libby was heavy she was really very light.
She was clinging to me tightly. It was almost as if she knew I was safe as her arms found their way around my neck and hung on tightly. I lowered my broom to the ground and let it drop.
“Libby?” I murmured in her ear, “Libby, love, are you okay?”
James and the others were landing as well, but my focus was on Libby and nothing else. She was still holding onto me. I could feel her shaking in my arms.
“It’s okay, Libby, you can let go, we’re on the ground,” I said. Slowly, Libby let go and I set her up right on her feet. For a minute she was okay, then her knees shook and she fell. I grabbed her around her waist.
“Libby!” Carlson was suddenly there, “Are you alright? You scared me! My whole mind completely froze up!”
I glared at Ben Carlson. He was close enough to Libby to have grabbed her when she had fallen only two feet. I wanted to punch him. He didn’t realize she had fallen till Alice was screaming it. But Libby wasn’t even responding to her boyfriend!
“Libby? Come on, love, say something,” I urged. I knew I shouldn’t had been calling Libby “love” with her boyfriend standing there, but I was to worried about Libby to remind myself that I can’t call her that.
She was standing there, shaking and pale when she leaned over and threw up. I pulled her curls back for her with my other hand. Then she straightened, looking even paler then before.
Libby suddenly went limp in my arms. I quickly lifted her legs so I was holding her bridal style. She looked pale from her fall and a bit sick, too. I looked at James, who seemed unsure of what to do. Both the Ravenclaw and Gryffindor team were on the ground along with the ref. In the stands, everyone was standing, trying to get a better look of what was going on.
“She should go to the hospital wing,” Mcgonagall said, suddenly next to us. She looked at Libby helplessly.
“I’ll take her,” I said. Obviously, as I am the one carrying her.
“What about the game, Professor?” Ben asked. Idiot. His girlfriend just fell 50 feet and passed out in another guy’s arms and he’s worried about a stupid game.
“We’ll forfeit,” James said, looking pained, “I refuse to finish the game without Libby and I know the rest of the team, along with me, want to make sure she’s okay.”
He glanced at me as he spoke. He knew very well that if I left now, I wasn’t going to come back. I looked down at the girl in my arms. She truly was gorgeous. She was so soft and delicate looking in my arms. Everyday I fell harder and harder for her. I felt as if it were my duty to protect her forever.
“No,” said Nick Montoya, “I won’t let you forfeit!”
“Why not?” James asked.
“Because I want a fair match. Professor, when Cullen is better can we have a rematch?” Montoya asked. Dumbledore appeared next to the troubled looking Mcgonagall.
“Sirius,” he said to me, “Take Miss Cullen to the hospital wing. She might be in a bit of a shock.”
“Yes, Professor,” I said, startled that Dumbledore called me by my first name. He had never done that before. It was always Mr. Black or something. I hurried away back to the school.
A/N: This chapter turned me against Ben. I'm not sure if it did the same for you, but. . .yeah, anyways, I just want to give you all a great big hug!! I love coming home everyday to find a little over two pages of reviews waiting for me to respond, becaus i do respond to all my reviews.
Anyways, now that i've bragged and thanks you all, here's a little something from chapter. . .uh, oh, 13: My Everything (Lifehouse!
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